My heart is broken into a billion tiny pieces.

  • 😞

    I am absolutely heart broken, it all started last year in september when the teacher changed my seating plan, and I ended up sitting next to an aquarius that ended up falling for me. He liked me for months and i never acknowledged it, because he would never drop any "hints" and even though everyone told me he liked me i didn't care at all. we became best friends, and i enjoyed his company a lot. Eventually, on april 20th 2012, he asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes. I had no feelings whatsoever for him. But i only said yes because he was such a good friend of mine and I wanted to give him a chance, and everyone i knew kept forcing me to date him.

    then, my other friend started doing things like playing with my hair, and tickling me and patting me on the shoulder a lot everytime i wore off the shoulder tops, and my boyfriend was really angry. Eventually they got into a physical fight, and i stopped talking to my friend completely. I only talked to him once on the last day of school and once during a school assembly. of course my boyfriend found out and was extremely pissed.

    Over the summer things were really peaceful, and we spent every night staying up until 8 in the morning talking to each other. and I realized i finally fell in love with him. then at the beginning of the school year in september (first week of highschool) we had no classes together and not even the same lunch period for the whole year. I cried a lot and i was so sad. So we met up at the park and for the first time in public we ended up kissing. and then when i stopped i saw my mom standing there and staring at me from a distance. In my religion I'm not supposed to be getting into relationships until I'm much older. She was so angry, but she decided not to tell my dad.

    I lied to her and told her I'd never speak to him again, and i kept misusing her trust. things between me and him were actually going great, and we started getting "physical" well not sex and stuff. But he would touch my chest and my butt, ugh.. and I let him thinking of all the promises we made to each other about how we'll always be in love, how we'll get married and have kids and NEVER leave each other. it took a lot for me to let him do that.. honestly.. a lot. I put my values and my religion and even my parents after him.. But eventually, well ever since the end of october/beginning of november, we started arguing a lot, and he broke up with me but we got back together a week later..

    until i broke up with him again.. because he said some stuff that really crossed the line 😞 and i even gave him a warning saying i was having a bad day and everything. he swore at me and said some really hurtful things.. then after that we just decided to be friends.. and he said things like "babe i promise we'll get back together.. just after we solve all our problems" eventually like 3 days later we got into another argument and he was so angry at me he started ignoring me and telling me to f off,and he started swearing at me again..

    then since we have different lunch periods, on monday (november 12th) he told me to skip second period so i can give him all the presents and stuff back.. and i agreed.. i was there waiting for him for so long, then i finally texted him "where are you?" and he replied "at the park just leave it there" i got angry and replied " i think i deserve so much more respect.. I skipped a test for you.." and he said "k w/e go back to class Im at the park bye" after that i was so sad.. there was no point in going back to class now, so i was walking in the hallway and i saw my friend.. he asked me what was wrong immediately and i told him what happened.. so he skipped with me too because he didn't want me to be alone.. then we went to the park to check if he was there and we didn't see him. after we walked back to school i went to get a late slip, but the stupid person didn't give me one...

    then later that night i was feeling so horrible i decided to text him for so long apologizing to him and telling him how much i love him. and he said "kk i'll take a blw job" and i was like "please stop talking to me like this.. i love you.. :(" and he was like "yeah and i love my right hand" and he said the blw job thing a lot of times..then he said "i was only with you for the physical, see ya." i replied to him saying "please just stop it" after a lot of times.. he finally stopped..

    then the next day,i showed my friend the text messages and she was so angry. she ended up showing them to all of my guy friends and they were ready to beat him. Obviously i was terrified and i told them not to and stuff, and they were just like "shut up you're not gandhi" and they grabbed me and took my phone and started swearing at him.. of course he thought it was me..

    He replied 20 minutes later.. "baby 😞 there's a hot asian in my class, hook me up with her?"

    I didn't reply.. then I skipped period 4 and went to hang out with my friends.. then i found out that while i was getting a late slip, my friend that skipped with me saw him holding another girls hand. obviously i broke down and started crying my eyes out. If I wanted him to leave me i'd want him to leave me because of something i did.. not for someone else..

    Later that day all my friends went to him and they were about to beat him up.. I came and i confronted him "were you cheating on me with anyone.." and he denied it.. and i was like "whos hand were you holding yesterday?" And he was so angry he yelled at me 'what the hell thats not even true. who told you that?" and so i pointed to my friend and my friend immediately said "don't lie i saw you holding her hand you were wearing your black leather jacket and everything" and then he still kept denying.. my voice was starting to break down and i yelled at him "the whole time you made me feel like it was my fault that you didn't wanna be with me anymore but you were just looking for excuses to break up with me for someone else.. how could you do this to me after everything we've been through.." he still kept denying it and i said "so you're a cheater AND a liar.. you just need to go kill yourself" and i walked away. Later on my friends told me they tried to grab him and stuff but he just walked away and stuff.

    I promised my friends i wouldn't talk to him, but i was so heartbroken. I needed answers.. so I kept calling him after school and he picked up "what the fck? 40 missed calls? what the hell do you want?" and i said i wanted answers.. then i asked him if he really did hold anyones hand and he swore he didn't.. I asked him why he said the blw job thing.. and he said "because i wanted you to leave me alone" then i asked him "did you really mean it when you said you didn't love me anymore?" and he said "yep what's wrong with that?" after that i didn't say anything and he was just like "k i don't love you actually i'm really starting to HAtE you and i'm hungry so just leave me alone."

    In the evening I tried texting him about how we should still at least be friends and i understand he doesn't love me anymore. he agreed to being friends but he said "k but only on one condition.. nothing happened between us in the past. And you're not my priority and you have to earn my friendship and interest in you." and i agreed.. then at night i texted him good night and then in the morning i texted him good morning he said "i'll text you later im walking to school right now" i said ok and for the whole day he didn't text me back. In period 2 i came out of class early and i went to the cafeteria to my friend and i asked her where he was, and she pointed to him. He was sitting with his guy friend and there were 3 asian girls sitting beside him. He would always get mad at me if i hung out with my guy friends and he'd call it "cheating" so i was angry when i saw that but i didn't say anything. but my friend told me he wasn't paying ANY attention to any of them.. he was just busy talking to his guy friend.. and i think thats true.. because when i walked in and started watching him he wasn't even looking at those girls. then my friend told me he was looking at me so i turned back and i looked at him.. then i just left awkwardly..

    then at the end of the day i texted him asking him if I can wait for him after school and he said yes.. we talked for 5 minutes and everything was normal. then afterwards he texted me in the evening asking me if i can log on msn, and i said okay. we talked for an hour then he started asking questions about my friends and how they were gonna beat him up and all, and i kept avoiding it not wanting to start another argument.. so he logged off..

    then i texted him afterwards "hey im really sorry i was avoiding the subject.. i just don't want to ruin our friendship and i was trying to prevent an argument." and he texted me back saying "ok bye now"

    then i asked him if he hated me.. and he replied an hour later saying he doesn't. and he asked me if it's okay if he calls me by my nickname and i said yes.. and now he is starting to be all nice..

    I love him but i am heart broken, and i wish i knew the truth about everything. i still love him but I know I shouldn't. He's done more harm than good and i want to move on but i honestly can't. And I can't tell any of my friends i've started talking to him again or else they'll just get really mad at me..

    I'm a gemini.. (may 27th) and honestly im one of the most unemotional people ever..

    these kinds of feelings that im getting are just so new to me i don't know how to handle myself and i just keep falling apart.. Ive never loved anyone this much (im only 15.. i know i'm really young..) but i know i'll never find a guy like him.. he's an aquarius (jan 23rd) and i just want to make things work desperately..Ive been acting so desperate around him and everything begging for his forgiveness and everything and Ive NEVER begged anyone for anything before in my entire life..

    I just don't know what's going on anymore..

    I know that was a lot to read but please it would mean so much to me if someone replied 😞

    please.. i just don't know who to talk to.. since i can't talk to any of my friends anymore 😞

    thank you so much..

  • You are both air signs so emotions are never easy for either of you to handle. You're both more mentally oriented.

    Of course, you are going to meet someone as good as or even better than this guy. Don't take life so seriously when you are young - leave that for when you are older - responsibilities will come fast enough then. Just enjoy yourself - you don't need anyone to make you happy, you can do that for yourself.

  • thank you so much.

    I want to move forward, but you know it's really hard after thinking of all the sacrifices i've made for him. And when he told me he was only in it for the physical, honestly. my heart just sank into my stomach.

    i've never been an emotional person.. EVER.. and all this is so overwhelming for me and i don't know how to handle my emotions right now.. and i always end up texting him back looking like a desperate stalker 😞

    i've tried so hard but i just can't seem to ignore him and forget about him and start focusing on myself even though i know it's the right thing to do

  • The reason you are finding it hard to move on is because you cannot let go of the dreams you had for the relationship. You miss the dream guy you imagined, not the actual guy. The reality was quite different, wasn't it? Let the dream go because it wasn't real, only a fantasy. But keep the lessons you learnt about emotions and love vs fantasy - they will help you with your next relationship.

  • thank you. 😕

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