Captain...Help with forgiveness & direction
I'm feeling self-hate regarding a decision I made recently. I'm really struggling to let this mistake go, thoughts of punishing myself come and go constantly. Especially after I felt like I had achieved so much in the summer, I spent 3 months in Greece, it did me the world of good,my self-confidence rose amazingly, I met so many people and was constantly surrounded by good friends and sun & sea. In September, I had to return to reality, London. I'm half Greek half South African so I don't know if its the climate here and the crowds that are having this negative effect on me. But I feel like I'm in this darkness, its difficult for me to describe.
I don't know how to forgive myself especially after the progress I made in Greece and also knowing it might be something I'd regret. I had had this summer romance which made me completely forget about this guy I had been upset about a few months before I left. (http://product.tarot.com/forum/topic.php?id=17591&replies=7)
FORGIVENESS: After I had written to u, this guy was txting often and kept asking to take me out. He kept in contact throughout my holiday in Greece. I refused to see him for 6 months and was surprised he didnt go away, but a month ago I gave in and saw him after he tried to convince me that things had changed with him. I said yes because I felt like I could handle it after being on such a high after greece. Basically we ended up spending quite alot of time together that week before he flew home for a holiday to his family. However, he seemed to have had gone through something, because he had let himself go a little and indicated to me that he doesn't have many friends and is often alone. He wasn't as high up on his horse as he was before. He seemed much more aware of other guys looking at me and kept making comments about me talking to other guys. I think he saw things had changed for me and that he wasn't the only one anymore. He was telling me that he's ready to settle now, but I think he could tell that I couldn't really take him seriously.
He called and kept in touch while he was gone although the last message he sent on bbm while he was in a wifi zone I only saw much later and my reply still hasn't delivered and its been almost 2 weeks. He hasnt been on whatsapp since either and he is always online. I guess if this is the way it ends so be it, he would have left to his home country after his studies in june anyway. But I feel angry that I saw him again, and gave in after his pestering. How do I let go of the hate I have for both him and myself? How can I forgive myself for taking it so damn seriously, the constant thought of 'Ive lost and he's won'. I don't understand why I have let this person have this effect on me, I don't really have loving feelings for him after all this, just a weird cross between hate and sexual attraction.
DIRECTION: I feel trapped in this city, but an opportunity to go and work on the Canary Islands for the winter months has popped up, and if I were to go, I would be leave within the next 2 weeks. It sounds so tempting, the sun does me so much good. The thought of travel makes my heart sing But is this just running away and leaving a good friendship group behind? Do you think I should just stick London out for the winter? I'm also quite creative and find it difficult to engage in my interests here.I am only in London because my father is here, although I think he is finally ok with me leaving as I have finished my degree.
I would honestly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart if you could give me some words that may be of help to me at this time.
Kalli x (18/09/90)
Kalli, we all make mistakes in this life, some of the big ones. We can't avoid it. The bigger the mistake, the more we learn from it. It's how we evolve from ignorance to awareness and understanding. You cannot avoid making mistakes. The only bad thing about making mistakes is if we don't learn from them. Instead of focusing on what you did wrong, concentrate on seeing the lesson so that next time you will know better. When you understand the lesson in a mistake, you won't be so down on yourself and you will see the usefulness of the experience. And you cannot understand life unless you experience it for yourself. Some of those experiences will be good, others will be just plain embarrassing or hurtful. You are testing your attractiveness and lovability, to find out how others perceive you so that you can better understand yourself. This is a good thing. It will help you grow and evolve. So don;t be hard on yourself. Aceept that making mistakes is a part of your evolution. No matter how bad your mistakes, there is probably someone somewhere who has done far worse. So lighten up on yourself - you are not the worst person in the world. You are just like the rest of us, struggling to learn from our mistakes.
I think not going to the Canary Islands when you really want to would be punishing yourself for your mistakes. Punishment is not needed. Just do better next time. And go enjoy yourself in the sun!
Thankyou Captain, your words made me feel alot more at ease. I am being too hard on myself, I will take note of the lesson in the experience. I guess we all make mistakes, I hope to be able to start 'new' again without this hanging in my conscious. "You are testing your attractiveness and lovability, to find out how others perceive you so that you can better understand yourself." <--yes!! u are so right, I feel like I can finally verbally explain what this is. It is just as you said, a test . I am glad you said that its not such a bad thing and that it can help me learn and grow. That has brought so much clarity to me, I feel I can almost define the issue I had with this person now (and have had with others) who I knew all along were not ideal partners for me. Hopefully I will grow out of my fantasies/illusions and the 'testing' soon enough as I learn my true identity and confidence in myself without so much influence from others
Thank you for listening to me Captain & I very much enjoy reading your blog posts. I wish you a good coming week x