Tarot Nick - may I have a reading?

  • Step back and breath... deep and slow. You needed money and to buy time. You know this is not your dream job, but don't go in with the wrong attitude and squash an opportunity.

    One gossip is people made so the decision to do it and also to listen is up to you. If it is too people orientated and you don't feel you’re a people person that is good too. You will stretch yourself and force you to do something that is not in your comfort zone...and it's only for a short time...so learn from it...it may not feel comfortable but if it can help you grow, it is a bonus. It comes down to perspective…you can choice to make this a positive experience or not.

    Big picture…it’s money, it’s short term…it can be a good learning lesson until you get something else… remember life is throwing Lemons at you, make the best Lemonade you can…. Turn a negative into a positive… Just like in an interview they always ask well tell me something that you think is a negative…I am a quiet person and I don’t like a lot of distractions and gossip, but in my last Temp job I put myself in that situation to help me overcome that feeling…it helped me grow…and feel more comfortable in that setting...

  • Hi Nick,

    You always say the right things 🙂

    It's not so much that I'm not a people person, but that there is an environment where you need to be careful of how and what you say or do. Am dealing with top brass (didn't expect that) - albeit in a not so high level way - but there are so many rules. I think I have a problem with authority - I accord the proper respect but I tend to treat people as equals. I do my job best when I have the autonomy to do that. I feel very uncomfortable in a role where I need to tiptoe around people or directly 'serve' someone else etc.

    I realised that when put in such a job, I start to retreat inwards. In my last job, I came out of my shell. I loved being around my colleagues. In this one, I'm becoming very quiet and insular. I know how that makes me look, but I almost can't help it. Like some kind of self-protection thing.

    And as for the gossip - I can't ignore it since they talk in my presence. They don't even wait till lunch... they talk all the time as they work. So I can only imagine when I'm not there, they talk about me.

    I know this is a stepping stone and I hadn't expected it to be a dream job. But I did not think there would be such hurdles, least of which appear to be mental/psychological ones, on my part. Based on the job description, I thought this would be wholly achievable and I wouldn't have to struggle. Everything you are saying makes sense and I'm trying not to freak out and make lemonade. But I am almost...frightened sometimes... feelings of not being good enough and I don't know why.... or if there is something else triggering it.

  • What you dear talk before spoken too....

    hahahha, Even bigger challenge...wooo wooo.

    They are just people too...with more money and clot, remember they put their pants on one leg at a time too. Yes it can be intimidating, don't go into your shell. Be who you are maybe just toned down, so you don't step on toes. This will be a good experience, truly. The longer you are there the more comfortable you will become around them. Just trust what you know, speak when you need too. if you can read Sun Tzu art of war, I laugh with a friend of mine how we can implement it to the board room. I did some time with the mucky mucks, they want good input when needed, but also they will look thru you. It can be discerning but key is to being happy is just be you. During lunches and stuff show who you are, it’s acceptable to be louder there and join in on conversations.

  • But then again...I'm not a ladder climber...just a clog...

  • Hey Nick,

    Am taking all the deep breaths I can, cos it sure ain't easy.

    There is 1 in particular who is rather poisonous. Although her loud brash style is often humorous, there is a definite negative energy to her. She's like an instigator and she talks about everyone behind their back.

    Collectively, they are disilllusioned - not unlike how my team felt at my previous job - and their energy is noxious and depressing me. I have completely shut down into myself to keep them out.

    Is joy still coming for me? 😞 I have another interview next week - another contract role. Hoping it pans out... or that something else does.

  • Danceur,

    I know you wanted to know about work, but

    your thinking about a nice guy

    It seems light there is temptation there...like a feeling of want....

    it feels like a door opened a little....i want to say open it a little further

    I feel the worry...not quite but a little of the poor me's...your beating yourself up

    Things are starting to turn on the money front

    there are some obstacles to overcome, you gain but feel beat up

    a friendship is coming

    I get the feeling you are worried about yourself...questioning yourself (cut it out) you know who you are, believe in yourself...

    a little help from a friend...turn of luck

    if you didn't meet someone....then you will

    to come, I'd say one of your job leads takes a bump in the road...its either you get the job... but not happy or something like that or it won’t be long term

    Keep me posted on the guy… I can almost hear you say I haven’t met anyone…hahaha, keep me posted…hahahaha

    The poor me’s and the worrying is not going to help you…you are only beating yourself up. I know you’re not happy at work, use it as a learning lesson. Learn how to beat it and make it work for you. You know it is temporary, so role play. You are not a threat to anyone and this won’t be a long term thing, so figure out what can make it better…how can you learn a lesson and use it to benefit your tool belt for later usage. Think on that….


  • Very wise words, Nick.

    And I will take them to heart.

    I know I'm feeling sorry for myself here - it's just been so long since I've been in a place/space where I feel trapped. Just the other day, I took the initiative to try and solve a problem that would affect my ability to do my work. I didn't bother anyone about it. But then I think I overheard the colleague tell another that I took matters in my own hands. And I just wondered how she could twist something positive (initiative) into something horrible (me not knowing my place).

    Even though I do realise it's temporary, and will pay the bills, I think I'm screaming in my head. Cos perhaps there will be a chance of exte

  • ...extending the contract. And I'm worried I may not have found a better one by then - and will be 'forced' to stay here.. I'm also scared any other lead I find will be worse. Perhaps it's a moot point, but is it possible for me to find a happy work environment where people are glad to be there?

    I gained a lot of confidence from my previous job and it feels totally gone. I feel like I'm losing my sense of self in this place and I feel like running away. Argh. Gotta start thinking positive - not good to wallow.

    Haha, I didn't meet 'a guy' - I met an old friend today who's visiting, and it's probably him you picked up on. I think. Very fond memories of him. I like him a lot, though not in that way. I used to, but he's spoken for. No opening of doors there...lol But he seems like the type of guy (nice, fun, interesting, gentle, makes me laugh) I would love to find. I do know of someone else who fits that description and I'm kinda interested (but one-sided as always), and I realise I'm out of his league, and it'd be too complicated anyway.

    Today - meeting my friend - I felt like me again. Smiling, laughing, having fun. It's the happiest and most alive I've felt in a long while. Total contrast to this hermit creature I am in my workplace. I might even have overhead the colleague referring to me as being 'dumb' because I'm so quiet.

  • Funny I hear you say because you’re quiet and took initiative that they are talking behind your back... Turn that around and look at if from the other persons eyes....She is insecure and to hide it she attacks... She wants to be seen as top dog...I'm betting she is a ladder climber or trying to be, they are a pain to be around. She will stab and make anyone she feels a threat and try to knock them down. I don't think you see it that way, I think your internalizing and then have a tendency to be tough on yourself. So your fears come out... Step outside your own eyes, try to look at it from a different perspective. Most people don't take ownership and just wan to get by, or at work I joke around and say the deflector shields are up... CYA with email and force people to make decisions....they throw it back and say...it didn't work, but this is why I went in the direction, so and so told me too... They have so much brown on there face they can't wipe it off... Ok you can tell I have a problem with that...uggggghhhh... but that person is next in line for the jump... I don't see how no one sees it... Ok side track- I read a book, there was this family, seven kids very close growing up...Mother dies and years later Step Mother comes in...Yes the evil kind...First thing she does is break down the group...single people out and then builds on there fears...She feeds off this...each character shells up and tries to deal with it on there own...it makes things worse because she feeds on there fears...alone it makes it worse... the reason I bring this up is one it works...isolate people and things look worse then they are... its ok to be quiet...observe... your not dumb your smart... she is trying to separate and conquer.. and she is under your skin... I'm betting that is on purpose... I will also assume she has a strong personality so it works for her...I bet I'm close... You can make it beter by believing in who you are, she can't touch your dignity...out think her... That may bring you more pain because she will attack if she thinks she in trouble...I bet she works it so she shines...so out think her and her shine will dim... again it is a challenge...take something uncomfortable and make it better...

  • Thanks Nick for the advice.

    If you're speaking from experience, wow - you've been around some very nasty people and situations. And you still manage to be You. That's pretty awesome 🙂

    I'm not sure if she's necessarily a brown-noser, as much as someone who fears disapproval, perhaps? I hope that doesn't sound judgmental, as to a certain extent, I too am bothered by what others think of me (although it doesn't stop me from doing the eccentric things that make me Me...lol).

    But I do agree that she is displacing her anger onto others. Others are always stupid, not good enough or doing something bad - in her eyes. Everyone is fair game. So I took initiative, but she managed to twist things and make me sound like someone who doesn't know her place in the pecking order. She's right though - I don't believe in that stuff. I'm not a rat and I don't like to races or climbing ladders. Perhaps as a temp, I'm supposed to be seen and not heard.

    I feel she doesn't stand up for herself, and then directs all that rage outwards at others who are lower in the pecking order, or behind the backs of those she blames for causing her misery. It might be a self-protection thing... I dunno.

    When I look at it this way, and intellectualize.... I know that it's not about me. But I feel better for all of 2 seconds (ok maybe more than that) and it's because I feel trapped. I'm around them and their gossip all day long. I'm not this quiet doormat they perceive me to be. It's just that I pick my battles. It takes A LOT to get me to a place of confrontation. Generally, I find it easier and I choose to walk away from toxic people. In this scenario, I cannot get away from them and their lack of boundaries. And it's making me angry - I'm making a choice all the time to let go.

    I mean I'm a very private person to begin with. I take a long time to warm up to people. But it's not going to happen with these colleagues. And I feel a little bad that in trying to stay away from the 'bad ones', I'm keeping the nicer ones out as well (because I'm not sure I can trust them either).

    Yes this is a challenge. But I don't know that it is worth the grief I feel. Keeping my fingers crossed for the interview tomorrow. There was a prospective job last week - sort of anyway. But I felt it wouldn't be a good fit, so I said no. So it's not just about running away from this black hole - it's about (hopefully) finding something that fits better. I hope that's on the cards for me in the very near future.

    Sorry for this rant....

  • Hi Nick,

    Just wondering if I could lose this temp job - because I don't fit in? Being in this environment is bringing out paranoia, so i don't know if I can trust this vibe I feel - that they could be trying to find a replacement for my role?

    I went for an interview this week and I thought it went ok - it appears I have the right skill-set and that this would be a better environment. It is not my dream job but if it will mean a better environment with some job stability, Shortlisted candidates will be called for a second interview.

  • Argh... hit the button a mite early.

    Meant that if I can get the job I would take it. I just don't know if I will get shortlisted. Do you see anything as far as my chances with this prospective job?

    Being in this current place is not healthy for me. I'm just trying to do my work and ignoring all that's around me, but I also look very insular. It's funny I get along with the managers (who are sitting in a different area in the office, and some others I'm not working directly with seem to also like me... it's just the bunch I'm in the same office with that seem to hate my guts although they treat me cordially for the most part.

    Also, I am thinking of a guy - not sure if its the same one you picked earlier - because I really thought you meant my out of town friend. But yeah I'm curious about this one other. An acquaintance. He's nice to me - almost like a soft spot - but he's, shall we say, always around women. Popular, maybe not a player but a ladies man nonetheless.

  • Hi Danceur

    Go back to the reading on the 22nd, I think both of your questions are there. You know I don't like to say what it is I feel... you will pick the right choice for you... I'm here if you want to throw ideas at me...

    There were two guys in your last reading...one was the older friend...then another

    Just remember with the job, trust yourself...you know what you need... Don't take crap from people... Just be you...if they don't like it...oh well... either way it's a learning lesson for your tool belt.... If anything I am consistent…hahahah…I know not what you wanted to hear…hahahahah

  • Haha, now Nick, bouncing ideas is where it becomes interesting.

    Not just because we have different personalities, but also because of the differences in the way men and women perceive thing and behave.

    Ok this is gonna be long... I'm so tired from work nowadays and I don't have time to write and I'm alive only on weekends...lol.

    I'm almost never wrong in terms of feeling 'vibes' from people. The only snag is that I never know whether it's just an attraction, or something that has room to grow. In this case, this acquaintance - we'll call him P - is a ladies man, but he also has some nice sincere vibes to him. I met him in dance class a year ago, and he's a bit younger than me.

    Initially it looked like clear cut mutual attraction - body language etc. So I was more friendly to him. But I quickly saw that he's nice and friendly to ALL the girls, not just me. So I'm a lot cooler now, and I don't go up to him as much, although I'm still friendly if we happen to talk. I guess I don't want to encourage the way I think or feel, because there's possibly already red flags.

    I really don't know if he's spoken for. It's very hard to tell when he's always got girls around him! He's also got a young daughter who's not living with him, but I can see he loves being her dad 🙂 Darn that social media, no privacy!

    Without jumping too far ahead of myself, him being a father doesn't exclude him from being a person i would date. It's just that I haven't done anything like that. It's something that I'm starting to think about because given my age, many of the eligible guys might already have been married before or have children. I don't know if I'm mature enough, when I'm still growing as a person myself. I'm wondering if P has entered my horizon to make me think about these issues - the changing landscape of my relationship possibilities.

    I'm not into casual dating - I'm also not in a hurry to be in a relationship. It could very well be that I'm suited for a less conventional relationship, where I have lots of personal space and time. It's just that it's not often that I'm curious about someone and I wonder if I need to keep P as a nice idea or if this could have the beginnings of something that could be worth pursuing later on. Or perhaps he's yet another lesson in me learning not to construct something that has no basis 😛 After all - in spite of the vibes, he hasn't tried to contact me privately. So that's a case of someone who isn't interested.

    Your turn to throw a spanner in the works!

    WIth regards to work, I do know who I am but always wanting to be myself puts me at the forefront of not fitting in. I was quite well-liked among colleagues at my previous job but I didn't fit in with management. It's not the first time... my very first job ever had the same dynamics as this current one - where the colleagues are all in a clique and they gossip about me and everyone else.

    Even down to the fact that there's a language difference between them and me. I understand some of it but not all and definitely not always in context. It is not my native tongue. But that they use it around me magnifies the exclusion and paranoia I feel. I don't think they realise it's rude to speak in a language I purportedly do not understand, all day long, when I'm confined to the same four walls.

    Miss Top Dog has a self-righteous streak and has taken it upon herself to be the moral high ground and mouthpiece insofar as company interests are concerned. But she will gossip about the same people she's 'representing'. Add to that the inherent hierarchical politics. I just want nothing to do with it all.

    I'm introverted and I tend to withdraw and emotionally disconnect, especially if I sense that people are not sincere or not interested to get to know me. So I know that part of the problem IS me and the way I relate to people. But they are not making any attempts to know me either. I don't think I change myself or the situation and I don't know how to make things more pleasant.

    When I'm around the right people, it brings out my collaborative and warm nature. However, in the wrong setting - like now - it makes me combative (even if I may not show it openly) and unapproachable.

    I stay away from them and just try to do my work. But even that is a challenge, as the giving of instructions is not as detailed as it should be. In other words, they're unwittingly setting me up to make mistakes and then they blame me (behind my back).

    I'm worried that I'll lose this job before I have secured another one. But there's a certain urgency I feel about wanting to leave this place. That the financial relief I'm getting is not worth the emotional and psychological damage it is causing me to stay here - and that I should not count on biding my time here to slowly look for something better.

  • You do like to write...hahahahaha (you will learn not to give me free jabs... hahhahaha I stick the knife right in) a bad thing i picked up from work... It has become my job to do...everyone is always so serious. Can't live like that,

    Ok from the bulk of the reading

    "there are some obstacles to overcome, you gain but feel beat up

    a friendship is coming

    I get the feeling you are worried about yourself...questioning yourself (cut it out) you know who you are, believe in yourself...

    to come, I'd say one of your job leads takes a bump in the road...its either you get the job... but not happy or something like that or it won’t be long term"

    The first line is why I'm being a little tough and say suck it up... (I use that one at home and my daughters eyes just rolled in her head) she hates that line.... You grow when you go thru hard times...it makes you stronger...any good action story has the character go thru impossible odds then they get thru it and it prepares them for the next struggle... I know your not a character but l know from my life mentioned before not always easy, so the analogy works...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It’s how you deal with it that’s makes the difference.

    Line two was friendship… does friendship have to lead to anything but friendship… ok I am old school… and that is the dad part of my personality… it the opportunity is there just have fun without leading to anything…let the rest come later. If he is just chasing a skirt…let him find a different skirt…maybe just looking for friendship… I can be naive…so take that with a grain of salt…

    Line three was important and I think we have stemmed that one a little… Trust who you are, don’t let people get to you. Sticks and Stones type of thing. You hold your head up, if you see something coming document it in email. It’s a CYA (cover your butt)

    The last one wasn’t clear as which one it was, I couldn’t tell whether it was the job you are in now or another temp job. Have to wait to see what choices you make. Either way this job is not your dream job…and it is temporary which you know. It serves a purpose of money, and building up who you are. I know you are not happy and I am not saying stay there, just make the best out of it. It is more important how you deal with the pressure because you can slow things down so that you have more reaction time or speed things up and feel like every little thing is worst then what it is… The trick is to slow things down. You focus on the problem so you see all the slide remarks and see where they are going. When the problem gets there you had them the solution and watch the shock reaction in their faces… I am going to guess and say not only a language difference but a cultural difference. That is big because they don’t think like you do. If I am correct in my assumption I have a person at work whom I have to take deep breaths to work with. If you are surrounded by them I can understand why you are feeling like that…its draining… Trick is get them to talk…find out who they are and you will see that the choices they make are because of the background. Funny thing is his kids are born here and are already changing breaking away from how he did things… which has changed him just a little… not fun to go thru but never dull…

    time to take a nap after all that writing...hahahaha... My writing has gotten better...you just have to unscatter some of the thoughts...hahahaha

  • Today was bad.

    They decided to all go out for lunch. I usually go alone. They were all speaking in the other language. Manager thought of including me. Others said no, because they felt it might be too pricey for me (it is). Top Dog told him to exclude me unless he was willing to pay for my share, and she made clear she wasn't going to chip in. Not for me, she wouldn't. At some point in the day, I thought I heard her jokingly mock him for hiring such a lousy choice.

    After lunch, I made a big mistake, left confidential info at the xerox cos it was taking too long and I didn't want to watch it print. But I guess the big boss or some other influential person saw it lying around later and got upset and she got a manager to speak to me. Manager was tactful and just told me to be more careful. But when I came back to the office, the others were wondering aloud if I got a big yelling at. Felt like they were gloating.

    And hours later, they started gossiping about me again. And I couldn't see clearly from where I was, but it looked and sounded like one of them showed Top Dog my CV. She commented on how bad it was and wondered aloud how their manager could have hired me. Lady who shared my CV turned around repeatedly to see if I was looking. That's why i put two and two together...

    It's very hurtful. I don't know how they don't realize it.

    I can certainly understand why your daughter would roll her eyes haha. Nick, you're not old enough to be my Dad but I appreciate anything from a father's perspective. You're right - if there's friendship to be had with P, why not. I could use friends right about now... I'm too upset to think about more.

    This is like workplace bullying, only on a more emotional and psychological level. they're not saying things to my face. They'd just rather gossip in front of me. And just ignore and exclude me.

    I felt very capable at my previous job and here I just feel stupid. I don't know how that is possible when I handled more responsibility previously. I do make silly mistakes, I am careless, but for the most part, I take pride in my work, even the most menial things. I don't know why no one is seeing my effort. No one sees that I am working independently - things are getting done - even though they're not guiding me much. Not everything can be documented in email. Much of their instructions are only verbal. Maybe this retrograde is also affecting them - everyone is slipping up in communications.

    Right now, I'm sitting where they can't see me much - I'm shielded by a divider. But I'll have to move right into the lions den this week because a new colleague is coming in next week. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse right? What kills me is that I know I'm stronger than this nonsense - I've reached that stage in my life where I don't tolerate bad behavior from others, and yet here, I have to really swallow it. What is draining me is not being able to tell it like I want to. And I naturally look at things from others' perspective - I intellectualize and try to de-personalize - but I'm starting to feel like I'm allowing myself to be abused.... there's just such a fine line, and I'm mad at myself too. I had a look at my contract again and saw how unfavorable it was. Nearly no benefits and they can terminate me without notice/compensation if my performance is unsatisfactory - whereas I have to serve 1 month's notice if I want to leave.

    At least, some news from the job interview. They will need a little more time to get back to me about whether I've been shortlisted. And my former colleague emailed me with a job contact. That's probably the friendship you mentioned. So I sent my CV to the job contact. Fingers crossed. At least some good today, in the ocean of misery. I think that if I get another opportunity, I'm gonna have to try and beg my way out of a 1 month notice period. I'm really dying here - today.

    You have probably given me the advice I need 20 times over. I do get it and I am so grateful. Just maybe need a friend today...

  • i have been there where I had to say no to going to lunch. I my case it was friends but I felt bad and ate at my desk by myself. So don't get down, you are not alone... anyway why would you want to be around them. Going with them is not going to change your relationship with them. Be a incuse, if you can put your earphones on and just work. Do all the little things and focus on just you. The pressure you are feeling is the pressure you are putting on yourself...that is slowing you down and making you question yourself. Let them talk who cares? next time politely say no thank you to lunch...let them think what they want... Will it be lonely...yah... but it will piss them off. Remember this is not long term.... and don't start looking for other things to add to your misery...you made a choice...it was a good move you needed the money. Something is better than nothing... but it is up to you to make the best out of it...don't pile up stones that aren't needed to the pile.

    For the Dad hat, It is one of my many hats...it was meant in a caring way (no implications)...and a joke because I do use suck it up a lot....hahahaha

    Take the pits out of the lemons add a little sugar and drink up. you are there for money to pay bills and a tough life lesson that you will use in your tool belt. It will not be the last time you run into these type of people in the work place....is it fun? no, but you can handle it. Now just tell yourself that and remind yourself you are better then letting them get the best of you.

    HA....how’s that for encouragement....

  • Hi Nick,

    I didn't mean anything negative by the 'Dad hat'. It's cool. I appreciate that you come from that perspective sometimes, because perspective is what I'm really lacking these days.

    We have a new temp on board, doing the same role I do. And instead of getting my 'mentor' to teach her - I was asked to show her the ropes (even though I'm new too). Yes again, doing the work that no one wants to do. my guess is that she'll fit in much better - so my guess is she'll be replacing me (either before or after my contract is up) after she's up to speed. She's nice and I actually now have something to talk to, but it won't be long before she's one of them.

    From before, I wasn't upset about not being asked to lunch. It's that they deliberately wanted to exclude me. I like having my space and would rather be alone under these circumstances - yet that is disconcerting for them. And someone tried to suggest I should join them from time to time, saying 'it would be good for me'. And naturally I said we'll see 😛

    My job lead from before has been put on hold. But I had an unexpected phone interview this week from a different job. Looks like a more down to earth work culture, customer first concept, but a demanding environment nonetheless. The role is a support one but it would involve managing a process and being a gatekeeper. I don't think I am the right fit (not enough of a strong/outgoing personality) but I might be able to do the role in my own way The salary is way off base, so the guy on the phone said he'd only invite me for a proper interview if he were able to get more leverage with the numbers.

    Then something upsetting happened with my 'ex' - the one I was dating in 2011 who distanced himself from me. He's a manager in my gym so he's in my environment. We haven't conversed in almost a year, yet he got tasked with or decided to become a middleman in a situation with the gym that really upset me. I'm not upset at him - but I'm really upset at people's intolerance of me. I feel like everyone's target nowadays - and no one is wiling to accommodate a common living space, they'd just rather be selfish.

    Anyway, I think he thought he was trying to help me, but I'm upset that I had to 'reconnect' with him under these circumstances. We have nary spoken 1 word in a year, he's been ignoring me and doesn't appear to care about me and I've gotten used to it - and then yesterday we had to have a whole conversation about the gym situation. I didn't do it in front of him, but I was in tears for some part of the day and it's really pulled me down into a mood. I guess after enduring so much grief at work, this one incident tripped me over the edge.

    Just really wish there was some good news ahead.

  • Being a mentor is a good thing, brings out different skills, adds a line to the resume and it will break up the routine at work. Remember this is only a temp job, so it will only be for so long. I know that doesn't take into account that you put everything behind it...but going in it was to help money wise and continuing to learn new skills.

    The other thing I think is, you are still beating yourself up, you feel the pressure of very thing bearing down on you so sometimes things feel worse then what they are. I am not saying that they are not problems, but when the things pile up it is harder to deal with just because of perspective. Trick is to slow things down, you need to find a way. Otherwise you will keep guessing and not trusting yourself. You know who you are...and yes it is easy to say from the other side of the fence. Everyone goes thru this so put on the boots and walk thru the muck. I like that you held it in until you were alone. It's ok to let your emotions go... That helps sometimes to get the strength to put the boots on... not sure why i picked this metaphor today. But it works..hahahaha...that's right I just saw a smirk, not quite a smile but a start. Ok my mind wandered... maybe he was just being nice to be nice with nothing behind it. Sometimes from a guy perspective you tend to forget all the crap... time slip away and so does your mind. I know I don't remember all the details, I know the big picture but the little stuff leaks by... so it is not as traumatic, it might just be a coping mechanism...a guy thing or just a me thing... So that part could just be a man/woman thing... I know my wife will slam me with all the little details of what was said and done... I don't let it affect me...I have moved on to other things, maybe that is why I don't get as upset, because it's already out of my mind. Example not the same as what you are going thru but a similarly... we have a neighbor who our daughters grew up together, the other girl changed and made friends with a troubled girl. She was more exciting but did drugs and other stuff. Middle school this was more popular so my daughter let her go, she knew she didn't like the girl or what she did. This made her a target and the parents of the other girl never saw it coming. This created a big mess, words fights and the parents took not my child syndrome...not looking at the daughter lies. we told the truth and they didn't want to see it. Ok blah blah blah nasty thing were said, my wife still burns with anger and cant talk to the girl or the parents. Where I will be nice to both, I let it go, she made a mistake got nasty but it will never eat me up. It's been four years but its still like yesterday for my wife. I think I am better off because I am still me, I wont let things get to me and build up anger or ill feelings. So is forgetting the details and letting them leak a guy thing? I remember my daughter came home crying...getting bullied but it made her stronger, she got thru it...learning lesson. or do you remember every detail and let it still burn in you. If your lost let me know It was all to say your ex may have just been nice to be nice with no strings...because he let the details go... or maybe i'm protracting what I would have done…for you to decide...

  • Hi Nick,

    I'd say that perhaps guys have a more evolved way of 'letting go'/compartmentalizing. Probably for self-preservation, as you say a coping mechanism. Because all of us can only take so much trauma. But I think it's also down to individual personality traits, whether a person is the kind who lets go or holds on.

    For me, I let go when it's my time to do so - for big afflictions. For less grievous ones, I stew then I let go. With this ex, what went down was very hurtful - and I don't think he ever understood that.. And I'd just recently got to a point where I felt it was time to let bygones be bygones. Not to start to reconnect with him or anything like that, but rather to accept that we will be ok sharing this common environment.

    You're probably right that he may have been trying to be nice, and he didn't think about the implications of either approaching me after so long, or that his message would upset me. But this event left me very upset, and I ended up associating him with the emotion - which is the last thing I want, because I've come so far. I wouldn't have been as upset had it been someone else. All the feelings of wanting to avoid him came back. And he knows that I'm upset because I told him - and I wonder if that will make him avoid me again too.

    I'm a lot calmer today. I feel the emotions had to come out though. Just so much pent up.

    And I hope I've not made a mess of the progress both of us have made.

    The example with your daughter - wow that's terrible. You're just really more evolved than most of us I think - to be able to move past something like that. I think this thing of letting go depends on the degree to which it encroaches on your sense of self or threatens you or someone you care about. I reckon that if one is sufficiently self-assured, one can more quickly make the distinction between real and perceived harm. And that helps one to let go faster.

    The reason I'm having such a hard time at work is because I do perceive their assault as a real threat to my well-being and sanity. Anyway, I'm moving towards indifference. Today, top dog asked to see me for a while. And proceeded to tell me - albeit in a politically correct and 'nice way' - that I didn't compare to their previous temps - I don't have initiative, I'm a slow learner, I keep asking the same questions, I don't stay late and am therefore not committed - basically I do nothing right and that if I don't feel comfortable working with them, I should inform them asap so that they can find a replacement. I believe they want the kind of temp that picks up after them. But I'm an experienced hire (although not in this field) - I'm there to fill a specific role. I do my work for the day and I go off. I will not hang around after hours (when I'm not getting paid to, and have nearly no benefits) just because their other temps did it without compensation. I do take initiative but at the moment, only within my job scope. I just do not have the juice to do more. And well they gossiped about me taking matters into my own hands previously too.

    I've never rejected them if they ask me for help. But I don't offer to do things either because I'm learning the ropes too (and because I don't feel welcome and am just trying to keep my head down). And I feel viewed with suspicion all the time, like I cannot do anything right.

    Somehow I didn't feel particularly affected by what she said, even though it was an assault on my character. I think I've just had enough and I'm too tired to care. Perhaps my perspective of real vs actual harm is shifting too.

    The writing is on the wall. They don't want me to be there, I don't want to be there. I need to get out. I hope an opportunity emerges real quick.

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