Tarot Nick - may I have a reading?
Yeah I know. There was this transformative energy in May that has since dissipated. I don't quite know how to bring it out again.
Been grappling with feelings about the job. I think my boss 'enjoys' lighting a fire under my tail - with multiple tasks, quick deadlines... because in her mind, it stimulates productivity. She likes to give me last minute tasks (that she's known about for awhile and have become due, so the burden falls on me to 'produce' by the deadline); or I'll submit something that she has deemed urgent, and a week later, she still hasn't taken action on it (because she is so busy she never would have had time to). And then in certain aspects, we're in an unfavourable position to deliver what is required because of a lack of resources and gaps in ability. It translates into minuscle progress for the effort or expenditure. Now she gets pressure from management because they're tired of seeing no returns, and instead of speaking up, she turns that pressure onto me.
I'm burnt out by her methods - and just trying to keep my head above water emotionally. That's why I've completely stalled in my personal life and projects.
I want to do something else with my life - but the inspiration for this alternative has not manifested. Not surprised - too much negativity. I'm in a position to take my time to find another job. But odds are that if I do - it would likely be the same type of job which I don't want to do anymore.
This job provides financial stability (as long as I'm renewed). I am learning - which is good. But the job and her way of managing me is completely at odds with who I am. Someone did a reading previously and said that I would remain at this job for the next 2-3 years. Frankly that horrifies me.
Kinda stuck. Any advice here?
just reread what I wrote, it comes down to what you want.
If you plan for it and want it, you will make it happen. I think the key was the planing part and then taking the steps to make it happen.
for your job is there anyway to open up communication with her? Some type of gantt chart of what is coming, when the deadlines are being pushed and what is in the pipe line.... extra time to do but it would quantify what you are doing and when. You can make simple ones in word or excel...
I don't know how you go thru the renewed part all the time...
this stinks!!!! very hard not to get sucked into the poor meeees
So having something stable can be good...it will free you to look in other directions if you want for growth. I know how you like change, but then the trick is what steps do you want to put in your tool belt to make a total switch to something new....time would give you that opportunity. The question becomes how much do you want it and what are you willing to make it change. What type of energy do you want to put into it....those are the type of questions to ask yourself.
Haha the tricky bit is that she is busy and scattered so she's used to the 'fighting fire' method of working under the stress of deadlines and doing whatever comes up as urgent in the moment. And by time she is able to delegate the portion she needs help on, the due date is already looming. Also, because she is afraid she'll forget stuff, she often gives me a much shorter timeline than is necessary. Then she sits on the stuff I've submitted while she fights other fires...
I'm trying to help myself by anticipating tasks and doing them earlier if possible. But it seems to be the general theme here of doing things in a haphazard manner - even planned tasks. They aren't leveraging on technology enough too. So a lot of extra time is spent on doing things manually. There is also a trust issue... she likes to outsource bits and pieces to me - so that she can still have the 'final stamp' on the task.
Honestly, I never set out to be working on contracts. It's very stressful. Part of the reason I want to get out of my current work, is that they hire mainly on contracts, at my level, in my country. Also, I know I am supposed to be doing something else with my life. I do want a stable job - but one in which I love what i do, am passionate about learning and look forward to progression. I feel none of that in my current line of work - hence the perpetual restlessness. I want a reset button - a do-over.
But then I don't know what that something else is. It becomes hard to 'really want' something you can't define, or plan for it or breakdown the steps to get there - when you don't know what IT is. That's my predicament really. I don't know if you can relate? What if what I want has nothing to do with my existing set of skills? If I don't know what I'm 'looking' for, how do I make a plan to acquire skills?
We've tried exploring options in the past. But I haven't identified something that really 'clicks'.
The answers aren't coming soon enough. I've tried to release pressure on this process by going with the flow and just be grateful that I'm employed. And allowing things to happen. But obviously I want so much more - I want to have purpose and direction.
Universal Time vs Human Time. I know the pieces are moving into place - I do trust this to a certain extent, but I also have no visibility on the process. I don't know where I'm at, so it just feels that I'm wasting time.... It also grates at me that I have to stay here because I do not know enough about the path ahead to move towards it.
Argh... any further advice?
It's ok to hit the reset button...scary as can be....but doable. It is never too late. The start over is the hard part. The good part is the growth. The "IT" is a moving target...at least in my case and it's never too late to chase "IT".... I did it at 36 and now 15 years later...looks like I get to do it again.
Trick seems to be look at yourself and be honest... contradictions are ok... I am good with customers and I like to solve problems but I'm a hermit and love quite time. So I need to find something...knock down a door that will let me solve problems with customers... and then find alone time after I spend time with my family.... nothing like wanting it all....Problem is I am so specialize...or (special..not in a good way) that I am going to have to break the mold again.... Do you feel the stress....hahahaha; but it needs to be done, now I just have to will it to be done. enough whining on my end....
So what are you good at....what do you like that you are doing now... and what can you shoot for to combine different goals... it doesn't have to be drastic at first, but it does need a plan. To have a plan you have to have thoughts... that in itself is growth... and if it ends up so different, there is school or certificates and hard work....first step is to brain storm...so what do you have?
(re-reading, I shared to show you by example, your not alone) thank god I am not a technical writer...how do you follow my thoughts some times....hahahahaha ... they do sound good before it hits the paper.... be honest and if you want to share....
Sorry I took so long to reply.
My brain has been kinda scrambled in the last month - thinking and probably overthinking.
I guess i do like quite a bit of what i do now - routine administrative/transactional work/data processing & collation. I get to interact with and help other employees - but within a limited scope - and that suits my introverted nature. Because i like to write/edit, I've also been involved in such activities as well.
What i don't like is how disorganized things are, and how I have to run almost everything by her. The expectations and priorities are unfocused and unrealistic at times. In some of my previous jobs, I had clear ownership of my work and defined responsibilities. I asked for help/clarifications when I needed to - else I was left alone to do my work. Here, Boss is overloaded and yet she wants to micro-manage.
Thing is I'm also growing and changing - some part of me is bored of doing administrative type work - even though I'm comfortable doing it. It's very meaningless. When I go for dance class, I'm enthused, my senses are engaged, I feel alive ... and stressed out at times when I cannot seem to get the moves or timing, or remember the choreography. Just love it when the heart, mind and soul work together. How wonderful it would be to find a job that makes me feel that way. Where i'm excited to go to work, not dragging myself to it. I turn into a different person when I dance.
So there definitely are contradictions with me.
I want predictability but I also want growth - a job that is aligned with the person I'm becoming, and honors/enhances who I am now. Not a job that is keeping me at who I used to be.
I could definitely use your advice
And oh, I'll be 36 this year so maybe it is a right of passage thing. It's not easy to start over in my country. A lot of age discrimination, and resistance to looking at cross-functional skills. It's always paper qualifications/relevant work experience that gets you in the door. I cannot afford to go back to school either. For a while, I considered going into physiotherapy - I think such work may actually suit me - but then the back injury came along that squashed that idea altogether.
May I have a reading? The stagnation energy is still there - and I haven't advanced, so that is probably going to turn up again though.
Your not feeling productive
And you are restricting yourself
A little luck is coming
You are ready for something new
Use your imagination and your thoughts to make it happen
A friendship is ready too
But emotional ones too
You have to break out of the poor meees
There is a seperation, it goes with the emotions
someone is going to be found out lying or playing games
something up with a family member...its by itself and cloudy...not sure
Hope that helps,
Actually I don't understand some lines - can you explain further:
A friendship is ready too - you mean one is available around me?
But emotional ones too - not sure what this means
You have to break out of the poor meees
There is a seperation, it goes with the emotions
- do these two lines go together? Or it's 2 separate observations?
something up with a family member...its by itself and cloudy...not sure
- can you tell me more about this? What does it feel like? What is the person doing/feeling?
i've lost interest at work although I'm keeping up with most things. I'm trying to push myself to be productive. In a way, I've been mad at myself for not being able to figure out what I want. I can't identify the job I want to do. I know i rambled quite a bit in my previous post - are you able to offer any advice/observations?
A lot of times i feel I'm fighting against myself. And I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to find solutions.
Yes a new friendship, the emotions part felt like tears, sad.
The seperation went with the sadness,
The poor mees you are doing to yourself, which is counter productive to you, which explains why you feel constricted. You need your normal positve self, you have been in a funk too long (that is me telling you to snap out of it...the movie moon struck sceen comes to mind)
The family member felt like someone sick that will need loving, a hug, love type of thing
Don't worry so much, you want things to change, but you are working too hard at it, so you don't see it. Breath be you, and try to enjoy, its slow so you don't see the progress and that is bugging you. Trust in you...
Thanks Nick for the clarifications.
I think I'm really having a hard time staying where I am (in life and at the job) and trusting in progress happening behind the scenes. I'm ok for a day or two, and then I'm kicking at the proverbial cage and round and round we go.
I don't consciously feel that I'm doing the 'poor meees'' to myself ,,, but clearly I am.
You're right - none of this feels ok, because it isn't me. Being Happy is where I belong.
Thanks - this helps a lot
Hello Tarot Nick,
I am sorry to crash in but I am a little too embarassed to make my own post. I believe I am in a relationship with my soulmate (DOB Feb 6th 1988) we have been through alot together and seem to love each other very much. I am just through with dealing with his anger issues and am not sure if I am being emotionally abused. I feel something is very wrong with the way he makes me feel-I know I can be sensitive but I just want to be sure that my soulmate isn't a heartless creep. I love him to pieces and have sacrificed alot and have been there through his worst. I just don't know if this relationship is in need of salvaging. Could you please give me some insight-can we work this out? My DOB is May 6th 1992 and his is Feb 6th 1988
You were spot on about the separation and tears - it was an argument with my sis, she did not fight fair and really hurt me.
Now I'm back to somewhat equilibrium - but i have stopped talking to her, and am wondering what the way forward should be. There's a part of me that feels it involves not only working through my own dysfunction, but also letting go of family, since that's where a lot of the dysfunction originates and is being perpetuated. I didn't think family would include my sis, since she's been my best friend - but maybe things change.
The family member - I think that's my cat. Weather is smoggy and he's not been feeling well so I've been taking extra care of him. He's a bit annoyed but I know he knows I care
I didn't encounter the 'luck' you mentioned or maybe I didn't recognize it. Also not too sure of the person who was lying/playing games. Not a great September but considering how it went down, I think I did ok.
Glad to see you're back.
There is finally some forward momentum - albeit in a '1 step forward, 2 steps back' kind of way.
It's concerning treatment for a health issue, so it's overshadowing work woes and everything else at the moment. Progress is very slow, but I think I'm on the right track. Just kinda stressed because of the $$$ aspect of it - because this looks set to be a long term commitment. There's also someone new I'm interested in (finally!) - but isn't this just an inopportune time? LOL And knowing my track record, it's probably one-sided or he's taken or something.
When you have a moment, may I have a reading?
I'm around just sulking, blah, blah, blah, poor mees still looking to land something.
I did a reading and got yelled at to stop whinning and get back on track. So I am trying to be myself by giving.
Here you go,
Good things sre there for you
But you are still not pushing...feel dull, not yourself
Feels like things are slipping through your fingers...not accomplishing what you want
Loss of control, mentally hurt too
Which made you lack luster.... (what are you doing in my boat...bail, bail!)
You are holding onto old ideas...grow and open to new ones
Ahh a nice guy...got a smile...he seems patient
But I think you are still thinking of someone else...his was more of can be nice than a pain...
There a different guy around... more energy too him, not a bad one, but it seems like there is some what about me to him...
Some peace coming but more like a small smile than full out laughter....
A message to remember...don't forget who you are, you have the ability to make what you want...get out of my bad boat and go make it happen...I am trying myself to listen to that...not easy...easier to crawl in a ball.....waàaaaaa....hahaha
Thank you so much for doing a reading, when you're not feeling so great.
You still made me laugh
Yeah I don't want to be in the boat - shoo go away!
Nick, come with me, you don't belong in the boat either
You are actually quite right about what you're picking up.
Ever since I decided to start treatment - it feels like it's blown up some of the blockages that were there for years. There's suddenly an undercurrent of wanting things again, and momentum... and feeling like hey maybe I can get there one day. But I also feel helpless because I cannot rush this process. I have to let it evolve at its own pace because my body needs time to adapt. We also need to see what works, what doesn't. It's exciting but also frustrating - 1 step forward, 2 steps back. And it's a big lesson in trust too. For the first time, I'm letting someone else (my practitioner) take the lead. I've felt largely betrayed by the way my body broke down over the years, and how much I've lost - and find it hard to see the body as this strong and resilient thing. And he's trying to reshape that perspective. I want to believe - I do, ..but it'll take time.
I was really hoping the first guy you picked up on was the one I like, but methinks that's the intern who just left. We got on really well towards the end of his assignment.
The new guy has a grounding influence on me. I can get quite scattered and excitable at times, but he seems to be able to make sense of it without losing his composure. He can also get through to me in spite of myself. Haha, that part reminds me of you actually So I do wonder if he is an Earth sign. Oh well, I'm not in a position to do anything, and so yeah... just admiring.
You're also right - I'm still thinking of my ex (the one who is nice, then a pain). But I'm happy to report that this is one of the blockages I'm starting to move past. There's a lot of momentum towards letting go, and I'm going with the flow.
I think one of the things which I'm struggling with at the moment (which might be the loss of control and feeling mentally hurt, that you mentioned), is a feeling of unworthiness because I'm not financially stable or have a viable career. I've also not been able to travel at all because of lack of finances, so I feel really 'deficient' where worldliness/independence is concerned.
I do think that if I can heal up sufficiently, it will open up opportunities. This is the step that was missing. I was trying to think up alternative careers but health was always a block. So i think I'm walking in the right direction. It's just that I will still be light years from achieving the financial stability, and the worldliness I want and should have. That's completely ok - if I'm alone. I'm not in a rush. I believe in learning and growing, not really the goalposts or prestige. But what if I meet someone I really like way before I've found my footing? What do I do then?
I guess when I met new guy - it triggered these insecurities that I'm not good enough for him or anyone like him. I was happy...for a minute... and now I'm worried. Not because of who I am, but because of what I don't have. Ordinarily I don't feel that way. I don't really care about society's perception of success or its expectations. I like who I'm becoming as person - I like that I'm learning to appreciate myself. I like taking time to grow.
I really don't like feeling unworthy for what feels like a bogus reason. But I do feel it.
Do you have any advice?
The real trick is.....Just be you!
You know your good enough, you know you can do what ever you set your mind too.... until you start questioning yourself....hahahahaha
Be True to you and there is nothing to hide... Let the truth set you free....
Everyone has things...the question is what can be ignored and put up with...and if you have to be different then its not worth it. But you know i don't fit the norm in my thinking of just be me...what you see is what you get...if you don't like me then oh well because I am comfortable being me...I don't need crowds or people...(just showing a personal example to help, it's not about me) I know you have that streak in you as well, but then the other side that goes....I want to be loved and cared for...just not too close.... I mean that in a good way. hahahaha
Don't worry about perceptions what others think they should be, others are not you. You will offer you and not just pieces of what you think they want, you are a full package so don't worry.
The one guy that gave me a smile in the reading I hope works out... just be you and you will be fine...no worrys
Thanks Nick- I needed that
I think I need to print that and stick it on my wall.
"I don't need crowds or people, and I do want to be loved and cared for, just not too close" - this is a really succinct observation. It does sound like me.
One thing I try to keep in mind is imagining what would I want, what would I like to do - if there were no restrictions (eg age, time, health, others' expectations, my perception of others' expectations). I have never used the external trappings to assess people...it's always about character and their energy/vibes. So in terms of a partner, I would want to be around someone who can see the value in me as a person - the same way I've been learning to see that in myself.
I think that's why I got along with the intern. We connected as people, with similar views on life. I don't fancy him in a romantic sense, but he's someone I would love to have as a friend. I didn't feel the need to have more money in the bank or do xyz in order to feel worthy. We need more of such people in our lives.
At the end of the day, it's about loving who we are, and who we have yet to become. I do want progress for myself - but I want it to happen on its own timeline. But I also want to feel like it's possible to have a partner concurrently - and not have to put that on hold anymore. Because in all likelihood, a relationship will come when I'm not prepared for it.
Will keep ya posted.
Hope you are feeling better, Nick. If there's ever anything I can do, or if you need to rant/sulk out loud, I'll be around on the boards.
Happy New Year! Hope the holidays were good for you.
May I have a reading when you're free?
A lot of turbulence...exhausted, sad and stressed...kinda drowning.
get to you soon,
May I please have a love reading when your free. Thank you
Sorry I misspelled your name. 'I' is too close the the 'o'.