Got my final divorce papers...
Yesterday, I received my final divorce papers, signed by the judge. I have been looking forward to getting them so that I can tie up all the loose ends. What I did not expect is the overwhelming amount of emotion that surfaced when I saw the envelop. I spent the whole afternoon crying.
After two years of grieving and working through the process, I thought I had reached the point to where I was going to be okay. I realize that this is the last stage in the process, and I need to allow myself to just feel it. I am in a position to do so without any interruptions such as work or any other intrusions. I have decided that for the next few days that I would just allow myself to exist with the pain, instead of running from it. I am having a really hard time. I don't really know what else to do besides sit in front of the tv with my laptop and google "how to mend a broken heart". I am reading all that I can on the subject looking for some relief. One article even suggested taking Tylenol... Lol! I refuse to do the things I have done in the past to relieve the pain because those things are not good for me... only temporary fixes.
Any insight on what I can do to get through this process? It feels like my heart is going to burst from my chest.
I know it was in my best interest to end the marriage, as he was controlling, manipulative, needy, critical and mentally abusive. All I did was take care of him for 20 years, and my daughter for 18. I have not taken very good care of myself over the years. I am trying to figure out how to do that now. I want to be healthy again and ready to embrace a new relationship without taking any baggage into it. It has taken a while to even consider the concept of entering a loving relationship... but I believe that Spirit intends for me to experience real love in this lifetime.
I'm not even sure what I am getting at... or what I am asking... just thought maybe someone might have some insight...
Blessings to all...
aw <3<3 it sounded like you gaved him all that you had you and now youre in pain because he didn't notice and you brought yourself to low levels around him making you the more sensitive one - i dont know if im right but thats how it sounds like but if i was in a situation like this the only way that would make me feel better is to let him know the pain hes cause but this situation is to high for that- he didnt know what he had and how gud he had it - its not you that should be feeling the pain- him having those traits will bring him downhill while youre the one uphill but um if that wasn't the case i would just take the day-- day by day putting my self in silence that usually work for me- i dont think if this will help but i wanted to be your first comment to show some love in hurry so dont know if this post will come out as i want it to
Missy, I got my divorce papers in March this year, ironically on the date of our wedding anniversary. I can't remember how I felt about it! It had also been two years since we separated. I felt some sadness, but ... can't recall feeling gutted.
However, since my last relationship ended nearly a month ago, I've been an emotional mess really. Have gone over things from the past, with the ex husband, my most recent ex, my family and I keep coming back to the fact that there was a common denominator in all of it: me. So now I'm wondering if I'm the one with the problem?
I don't know, but that piece of paper can bring a whole host of emotions to the surface. In my case, I guess I'm suffering a delayed reaction because I was still in a rel then (I'd been on my own for about 15 months after separating before I began anything with another). I am gutted now, I can tell you! It's a roller coaster. I'm trying to go out and socialise, but it's exhausting as half the time, you're with couples and it really does ram home how alone you are.
I'm trying to work through feelings of being alone, but really questioning if I'm actually "lonely". I'm disappointed in how life has gone these last (almost) three years, and wonder if I expected too much or something. My ex husband was also controlling, manipulative, mentally abusive and could at times be physically abusive. He loved to reduce me in front of people, which is why I left. It took me nearly 10 years to do it too. We also have a daughter and she's 18 now.
Sometimes, when we live in an atmosphere like that, we put ourselves last because it appears no-one else values us enough.
It's time to change that.
Spirit does intend for you to experience real love in this life, otherwise you would not have left your marriage. Possibly you need to find self love first, but irrespective, you will find the real stuff you're after so long as you're willing to do the work you need to do to release all that baggage.
As for me, well, I'm feeling pretty low today and don't know exactly why. I'm so tired and wonder why it seems like I'm the one left by themselves while everyone else goes off and has a lovely life. it's almost like I didn't matter to any of them and I'm simply the one they can leave because I don't ask much of people.
That nees to change.
Your now ex-husband needs to work on his issues if he has the courage. You chose the path of courage under fire, and now you need to rest in arms. Let yourself cry! This is an ending, and endings always bring out any emotiions lurking deep inside that we haven't acknowledged, largely because we've been trying to get on with our lives with completely new dynamics. It's hard work, very tiring, but worth it.
As tired and gutted as I feel today, I know I've chosen the path of truth, authenticity and courage.
We both need to pat ourselves on the back, get rid of that stuff which keeps us chained to sorrow, and move forward to what we left for in the first place: Happiness and Peace. It's our God-given right.
You will find all of that, plus love.
I am doubting today if I will though, more's the pity.
Good luck! And don't worry about feeling so sad; it's normal Normal, but scary, and a process you need to go through.
Chers, hugs and blessings
(((Hugs MissyMil JayJunior and Moon50))))
May I say I understand exactly what you all are saying as many of us have gone through it. It will be 2years this coming January for me that I received my final divorce papers. The day I got them was a Friday and ended up going out with a friend for drinks to celebrate and I felt good all that day, however the next couple of days after I was a blubbering mess. We had been seperated for almost 7 months by that point and while I was feeling pretty good going through everything, that was like watching everything officially disolve.
Everything I wanted and worked for gone with the signature of a judge, but it doesn"t make the many years of ache go away. Give yourself time to grieve and be aware that sometimes it will hit you out of know where.
To help I did burn one of his favorite shirts and I wrote him a letter telling him all of the mean things he said and did to me and our kids and how it made me feel because I never got to actually ever express how much of an unattached, uncaring, manipulative, mentally draining.... any way you get the idea. There was no point in sending it as I know he just didn't get it, so I burned that too. I cried and still do when something triggers a nerve.
Then, I sat down took a deep breath and imagined the most perfect adoring relationship I could ever imagine filling me completely with love that I was so wanting to give to someone else for so long and just stowed it upon myself. Yep, I dated myself and still am. I did date someone briefly but quickly realized I was just something to fill his time because he was bored and he started showing some of the traits of my ex which made me sick to my stomache, so I ended it. We never discussed a future and everything he did discuss omitted my kids.
May I suggest you focus on you now before you think about a relationship, make sure you are comfortable on your own two feet and who you are and what you want. Like Moon said its scary and lonely sometimes, but remember you(both of you) are worth more than being in a relationship just to have a warm body near you. I know good bad or indifferent the roller coaster will not be so bumpy ( I am still waiting for mine to smooth out). Take time to shed the layers of the person you were with your ex, find YOUR center and the best revenge they say is living better than your ex,..... I can't financially, but I lost alot of weight, wear makeup and do the little things I never did because he wouldnt let me or I would feel guilty doing.(and thanks to the thread about male energy vs female energy for affirming that it is ok to feel pretty inside and out, thank you jlilangel )
MOON50... "So now I'm wondering if I'm the one with the problem?" ..... I believe it ended for a reason, something in you maybe realized it just wasn't filling all that you needed?? I know you are disappointed, but really didn't he have alot of baggage, if I remember from a previous post. We need to use our intuition more and you may not know why it ended at the moment, but I am certain the answer will show up. Our shells are our home, but we pull back for a reason its called safety.
Often we go into these marriages with naivity or young views and are suddenly thrust into a completely different realm. We are not the same woman we were when we married these men and it will take us time and our own paces to find the woman we lost and reinvent and rebuild the dynamic woman we are burried under all the years of neglect and pain.
Sorry, I am babbling, I have had very little sleep.
Sending love and happy thoughts to all. <<<333
PS. I forgot who said this, but " The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." ..... ((one more thought, if you keep pulling on a door that says push, you are not going to get very far. Push forward ... move on ..))
ok one more and I will be done ..... this is mine as well,
Loving someone that doesn't love you back completely,
Is like sucking a drink through a broken straw,
You get enough to tickle your taste buds,
But not enough to quench your thirst.
Hugs to you Moon50! Seems like we need each other to lean on right now. Thank you for posting. I know everything you say is right. I can see how maybe you were not completely done healing before you started this last relationship. That is why it is hitting you so hard. It's time for you to deal with what was left behind.
I understand that feeling of realizing that maybe it was somehow you causing some of the problems. I know that with my ex, I gave my all. I know sometimes I wasn't the easiest person to be with. I had issues with men from my childhood that I had not resolved before getting married. I didn't even really understand that back then. At the end of my marriage, all those issues came to the surface. I have hated men for the last couple years, and while I was out sowing my outs, I became a user and attracted the same, which in turn made me feel more used up that ever. I figured men didn't mind being used for physical purposes.
Then this guy came along that I mentioned in another post that you responded to. I was joking with him about using him, saying that knew he liked it. His response was, "only by you". That really made me stop and think, that maybe all men weren't the same, that maybe it was me and my attitude bringing all this bad energy into my life. And there actually are decent men out there that I have mistreated. I want to change that. I want t change my attitude, my behavior, and any way that treats anyone, including myself, with disrespect.
My point is that apparently you do recognize that there is something you can change to make your life better. You have the ability to look deep within yourself and find what that is, and to make the necessary changes just as I am doing.
I have been fighting the loneliness as well. At first I fought it by going out and doing things all the time. That was only a temporary fix for me. I am making the effort now to stay in and just be with myself... and feel the pain. It's not easy.
So, it seems we are of a similar mind today. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, even as I deal with my own stuff today.
Love and light to you.
Yes, he did have a lot of baggage, that sadly he wasn't prepared to really look at or deal with. Looking back, I also saw a potential there for nastiness with a couple of things he said to me, so I am relieved this is over. I would've ended up a blubbering mess without any hope of recovery if I'd stayed in this relationship for too m uch longer I think. He used my shoulder too much without giving much emotional support back to me. He was a better housemate than a partner, truth be told! I'm glad he's gone because the space in my house is so much better now, and I feel like I can breathe. His happy facade covered a lot of damage, and as said, I think I would've ended up being buried underneath all of that. I have learned now that I need someone in my life where there is an equal footing; who gives as much as he gets, rather than me drying up constantly wet-nursing and nurturing. It's my turn to have a shoulder, so that's what I'm looking for now: Someone strong enough to be a true support for me, as I will be for him. Just gotta find him, although I know that when one is looking, one doesn't actually "see" what's in front of them. I'm trying to be alone without feeling lonely, and that is hard. However, I'm getting there. Nights are hard, but they'll get easier. Thank you for your kind words and support. And I loved the "babble"!! I do that too when I'm overtired :))
Maybe we do need to support each other, considering our stories are quite similar. I spent 20+ years being buried beneath the shadow of my ex husband, bowing to his needs, putting myself last and generally missing out on a whole lot of inner joy and peace. I had wanted to leave for years, but never found the courage until three years ago. He is with someone else and is engaged. I feel he has done this because he wants to keep up appearances and needs to be married. I hope he doesn't end up screwing around the lady he's engaged to, because from what I've seen of her, I like her and know she's had a rough time in the past. Weirdly, I am more concerned for her than him, because I know what he can be like. HOpefully though, what I h ad with him was toxic because of incompatibility and immaturity, and what he has with her will be much, much better. I wish this for her sake more than anything.
As for my last relationship, well I've described how I'm feeling about that to cancergirl. Like you, even in these few short weeks since it ended, I've been out and about doing this, that, socialising and all that stuff and coming home totally gutted and exhausted every time. I've ranted and raved around the house (thank God I live in the middle of nowhere), screamed and yelled until I'm hoarse and simply let the emotions roll over me. I realised in the last few days that I had had this belief that once I love someone, they leave. Looking back, that pattern has repeated itself over and over. I have drawn people to me who were transient in their physical presence in my life. My husband was in the navy, so always away. My mother was emotionally distant, my father very judgemental and my sister narrow and cruel towards me when I was a kid. This all served to send me out into the world never knowing what it was like to be truly loved.
No wonder my life has been the way it has. Now I have the work in front of me to change that mindset, and attract people to me who don't leave. I feel this is why I was dragged up here to live in this rather small town. I'm surrounded by people who have strong family connections, who have grown up here, or been here for years. It amazes me; the strong sense of family that exists here. Something I've never really known. My friends are true friends, and I am very lucky to have that. None of them are pilgrims like me; they have love and family in their lives and believe that's their right. Or more to the point, they don't question it; it is simply theirs.
So I need to get to a place where I believe that's my right too. To have that sense of permanency in family and love rather than believing it's only there for a season, then you're back on your own again.
I have proved I can live alone and quite successfully. But that's not what has been meant for me, and isn't what my future is meant to be either. It's simply that I've BELIEVED that was, and is, so.
Years of believing this will be a bit hard to undo, especially because I thought Rodney and I would be in it for keeps. But I never actually TRUSTED what I had with him. What I've now realised, is that I had drawn someone to me who had the same lack of trust.
This must change for my own sake, otherwise I will be the eternal pilgrim. I want the happiness, love and stability I see in my friends here. I want that for myself. I deserve it. I now have to convince myself of that.
Thank you both! It's amazing how we kindred souls are being drawn together. There is a purpose for everything, and I'm glad I picked up the threads of my membership here; I have found a bounty of support from yourselves and others here which has shown me so much that I wasn't aware of.
But no-one can save me but me. This is my purpose now: to fix what has been wrong in me, so I draw the right person to me. If I don't do this, I think I will close my heart completely and never chance it again, which will serve to turn me into that pilgrim I described above, and possibly infuse me with cynicism, which I don't want.
God help me
Thanks again! Have a blessed day filled with light, love and laughter!
I meant to respond to your post earlier, but got distracted. You summed things up very well. I'd love to let him know everything he did, but he is not open to hearing it. Any time I have tried to tell him he turns it around on me, so I know that is an unproductive thing to do. I finally stopped talking to him and ignoring his texts. I am going to email him copies of the divorce decree so that he knows the outcome as he was not present. When I do this, I plan to write him a letter of forgiveness, as this is what I have really been working on recently. I think this will be the final action to help me let go. I am not going to state specifics, as i know he will take offense. I will also thank him fr the good memories and list a few. I also will ask his forgiveness for anything I might have done to cause him pain. Even though I feel like the victim, I am not perfect.
I sense from what I do know about him that he has not done all the personal work that I have. He is in his second relationship since our separation. He says she is the love of his life (he even sent me a pic of her... I now... how endearing!). For both their sakes I hope it is a mature love. But just as Moon50 is concerned for the woman her ex is with, I am concerned for this one. She is young, and beautiful, and I would hate to see him do to her what he did to me.
I am as you said, taking it day by day. This is the third day, and the pain isn't as strong. My mother even said I seem to be in better spirits. I was invited out by a friend of mine tonight, so I think I will go. Thanks for your post, it was helpful. Thanks for the love! ((hug))
Blessings to you
Thank you for your response, the hug, and the empathy. I can see that we are all dealing with the same things, no matter how we spell it out. That is comforting knowing that we are not alone. I have considered burning some of his things. I still have everything he left behind in storage, waiting for him to come get it. The judge gave it all to me to do as I wish, as he has made no attempt to get anything, and I have absorbed the storage fees. So, I will sell what I can, donate some of it, and possibly burn or shatter or somehow destroy a few things. I also like the idea of writing the letter and burning it, or releasing it in some way.
I have found myself lately fantasizing about the perfect mate, and what I want in a partnership. (Not ready to say marriage. lol) At first i thought this was crazy, but now I see it is part of my process. I like the idea of dating myself. That makes so much sense, actually. I have been doing some things for myself, and it does feel good... no more guilt with that. And yes, I will have my ultimate revenge. I will have my BA in a year. I am also loosing weight and getting back in shape. But I am doing that mostly for me than for him... but perhaps I will flaunt it when I get there.
I appreciated your babbling (lol) and your inspiring quotes. Thank you for posting
Blessings to you!
I understand what you are saying about his fiance. I feel the same about the woman my ex is now with. I wish them all the happiness he says he has found, but I am concerned for her. It will take a strong woman who has boundaries to not fall into the pit falls that I did. I guess time will tell.
I also have had the feeling that they always leave. I grew up without a father. He was in and out of my life a few times, but the last time he left when I was 11, was devastating. My Mom was married to 5 more men before I actually grew up and got married. So, I saw them come and go... although I know my Mom had a part in it as well. When I got married, I think I was marrying the fantasy rather than the man.
I am glad you have the support around you. I have found that I have the same. I thank the Spirit for the people that have been sent to comfort me. It seems you have been figuring out the same things that I have about changing myself to attract the right people in my life. I just now realized that I have attracted many good people into my life, so I need to just focus on that. I don't want to look for the right partner anymore. Just as I have not looked for all these wonderful people in my life, they have found me. So I realize that the saying has some merit that when you stop looking... he finds you.
I hope you had a good day. Thank you for all the insight into yourself that you have shared, it has been helpful in seeing things within myself.
blessings and love
It's no problem! Have been glad to share my thoughts and feelings with you today. I am feeling very gutted for whatever reason; it's a beautiful day, I'm not working and yet I have a lump in my throat that won't go away and I need to vent it. I tell you, it's enough to dig out a bottle of wine and start before lunch to numb the pain I dearly wish I had someone to talk to to be honest. It's a day where I feel I need a shoulder, and a willing ear, but don't have one.
Ah well. This too shall pass. I keep reminding myself of that.
Love to you!
Moon50, If you need someone to talk to, I am a good listener. You can email me at pa_epp at ya hoo dot com and we can go from there. I know it's always good to have a friend to talk to.
Thank you Missy. Feel better today after going out with my kids and their friends. It's overwhelming sometimes, when emotion comes from nowhere and engulfs you. I will send you a test email and we'll go from there! Again, thanks so much