HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Am wondering how does a person know when they're over someone? It's been nearly a month since my last relationship ended, and I'm feeling like I might be over it, but not sure what the signs are, believe it or not! I'm looking back over other relationships that ended, including my marriage, and honestly, I grieved more deeply after this last relationship ended than I did after I left my marriage. It's possible I'd grieved for that some years before I left, or I've been one hard-hearted biatch who simply got on with it, but I'm a bit perplexed about the question I've asked here.
So, how do you know when you're ready for the next chapter in your life? I don't think I could answer this question for someone else who asked it of me, which is why I'm posting this!
Thanks in advance!
I think its Oprah who once said that you know you are over someone when you give up the hope that it could have been different.
Grieving is a process and one passes through many stages: anger,resentment,forgiving oneself, developing or regaining self-esteem,indifference to the other and finally forgiveness of the other, wishing them well without wanting to be a part of their lives and appreciating,much much later how the experience enriched our lives. Being able to see if there was a soul lesson and hopefully learning it so one doesnt have to repeat it. falling into the guilt-anger-battles trap is just an invitation for another unsuitable candidate to bump into us:) Though this is hardly ever a linear journey, with usually a two step forwards one step back pattern, it is I guess necessary to help us fill and heal our spirit, so we can be happy alone, before we venture into relating to another.
Sorry babe Ive no shortcuts top offer,just a warm hug to tell you that you have friends here
You do have friends here
I can really relate to this. I think you will know you're over it, when it no longer hurts. When you're able to remember what happened, but it's really like a distant memory, without the attachments of negative feelings. And you're able to be objective about the lessons you learnt. And you don't feel a need to be involved anymore with the person, in any capacity, but you bear them no ill will. You're at peace within.
This is how it's been for me. Perhaps it's different for each of us.
Hang in there
Then I am over Rodney. Having read what you've said here, that is what I came to with him last week. I don't wish it could've been different, don't want to be part of his life anymore (except if my car mucks up haha) and have wished him well. As I said though, I feel this relationship had more significance for my soul lesson than my marriage did. I see my ex husband as someone who's in the periphery of my life and can look at him as being the emotionally immature dolt he was.
My part in both of these relationships, I feel, was the mother and nurturer with my ex husband being the dominant one, who was a hard man to be with. Rodney on the other hand was easy to be with, but not emotionally supportive to me when I needed it. I accepted the good and bad with both of these men.
One lesson I've learned - with the help of very wise people on here - is that I have always been the nurturer and not received that back enough, or at all. This even stems back to my family.
The other lesson which has come to light, and which is equally as important, is that I have convinced myself over many years of abandonment that those who I love, leave or are/become emotionally distant. This is something I have to work on which is a hard one really.
The loss of Rodney doesn't hurt anymore, it is the lessons I've learned that do. The absence of love that hurts. The absence of love that I really did accept as okay with both of these men, and my family.
How I fix it is the problem. The pattern that has always repeated in my life is loving those who leave or who are not emotionally available to me. My mother was very distant. My father was judgemental. My sister was also narrow and pretty cruel to grow up with.
So now I'm in that space of wondering how I can re-think this mindset and allow myself to find that love and keep it.
I'm not at peace within yet, however. At least I don't think I am!! That's because I'm so disappointed with how things have turned out over the course of my whole life. I can see where the pattern repeated itself over and over, and I never "got" it. Until now.
When out with my workmates the other night, I looked around at those who are happy in the bosom of family, love their significant other, and when I got home I realised that I have not really had that in my life at all. It struck me that as soon as I love someone, they suddenly leave.
So now I have the work of trying to correct this, because I'm damned if I want to be the eternal pilgrim - which is something hanswolfgang called me - being the one left behind once I open my heart up to someone.
I don't want to draw someone to me who I open my heart to, like I did Rodney, and they take it and then withdraw and eventually go. This is what he did. I can't blame him for this! I believed that would happen and it did.
So how on earth do I change this way of thinking/believing? It's the thing that has caused me so much pain for way too long. Finding out what the problem is, is one thing. Fixing it is a whole other.
Thanks very much both of you for your thoughts. I needed to hear something which validated where I'd got to with this, because I was unsure. I'm also hoping I'm not burying the true hurt and pain way down deep either. That's another thing I've been very good at doing in order to get on with life.
I simply want to be able to go out in this world without worrying that I'm going to receive another emotional blow, or that I have to keep my heart to myself because some other person will tread all over it.
This is my problem now.
Cheers and blessings to you both!
All I can say is that Ive been there and it does hurt
Our growth lessons sure can be painful!
You seem so self aware that I think this whole process is speeded up and more intense for you. But you have come far and as the captain said in time the right one will be manifested by you into yr life:)The one who shall nurture you and be your equal.
Thank you xoxoxoxox