How to Get Over It and Move On!
Bad breakup? Long time relationship finished? Painful or embarrassing situation? Career meltdown? Family craziness?
Are memories of the past dragging you down and interfering with your ability to move on? Is there an old lover that you heart can’t move away from, or a recent job loss that is weighing heavily in your thoughts?
Everyone tells you to move on with your life, but that's a lot easier to talk about than it is to do. First you may have to cry, kick or scream the bad feelings out of you. Or worse you may all too easily internalize these feelings and carry them within you, weighing you down, eating away at you, and blocking your proper forward movement, your natural growth.
After the storm of emotion has passed, when you are left numb or exhausted or just plain broken like Humpty Dumpty, it's time to glue yourself back together and get on with the rest of your life.
It may not be the easiest thing to do, but letting go of the past may well be one of the wisest things we can ever do. One thing is certain - each and every single one of us has a past. And just as certain is the fact that in that past, each one of us will have undergone experiences that were in some way unfair or hurtful.
Here are some ways to accelerate your own healing and begin to get over the hurt and pain you've had to face:
1. Give Yourself Time and Space to Grieve
You won't be able to move on until you've had time to grieve. However, that's not easy to do in front of others (especially your kids), and especially if they're already tuned in to your emotions. While it may seem unnatural to carve out specific times to grieve and process your thoughts, dealing with your losses little by little along the way will help you deal with all that has happened. Try journaling your thoughts each evening, talking long walks (around the block or on a treadmill), and listening to music that makes you feel stronger.
2. Spend Time With People Who Love You
Especially if you're just getting out of an unhealthy situation, it's important to remind yourself that there are people in your life who love you and also believe in you and support you. Spending time with people who make you stronger does take time and requires intentional effort, but it's also a key component in being able to move on.
3. Decide What's Really Important to You Now
It's likely that the events you've already gone through have redefined your values and helped you identify what's most important in your life, even if you haven't realized it yet. Take the time to make a list of what is really, truly important to you. This is all that matters right now. After you've begun to move on, you'll find that you have time and energy for other goals and priorities, but for now, focus on what matters most.
4. Write Down What You've Learned
Finish this sentence: "I will never again..." Writing down what you've learned through this experience isn't just a cathartic step - it can also help you to move on more quickly.
5. Get it Off Your Chest
Sometimes when we've been hurt by another person, it helps to tell them that. Even if we know that they will never "get" what they've done to us, articulating the impact their choices have had on us can help us to move on. If the person is not around anymore, try writing your feelings down on paper and then burning it. You need to get the pain expressed and off your chest.
6. Focus on the Future
What's past is past, and it's important to recognize now that your future is full of hope and promise. You may not know just yet what you'll be doing in six months, or where you'll be living. But, certainly, the strength and wisdom you possess today is a strength and wisdom you didn't have six months ago, and you can trust that you will be able to do all that it takes to get your life back on track and meet your goals.
7. Accept That You Won't Always Get All the Answers You Want
Feeling like you're owed an apology or explanation is a double-edged sword, because the frustration over not getting one only hurts you. Free yourself from this disappointment by allowing yourself to move on whether you receive the explanation or acknowledgment you deserve or not. This idea of needing closure can hold you back. It's really just a cover for wanting to know whether you were to blame or not, if some weakness or lack in you caused the situation. Be objective - you may have been partly to blame, even if it was only from ignorance of what was going on. Accept responsibility - not blame. Recognise the valuable lesson learnt, which will help improve your future prospects. Find the positive in the seemingly negative.
8. Make a List of the Things You Can Control
When other people hurt us, it feels like there's very little we can do about it. We can't control their thoughts, actions, or words. However, we can control ourselves: how we choose to respond, our own attitudes, and our outlook moving forward. Take back the power and self-esteem you may feel you have lost.
9. Be Kind to Yourself
Learning to move on after loss and disappointment is hard work. Make sure that you're getting as much rest as you can, and that you're eating well and drinking enough water. In addition, avoid self-destructive behaviors, like drinking too much alcohol, taking up smoking, or engaging in high-risk sexual activities. Only self-healing will help.
10. Redefine Forgiveness
We often think that forgiving someone else for what they've done to us is a gift to them, but it's really about us. It really does not matter whether the person who has offended us deserves or merits our forgiveness. That is not the point. Indeed, the person or people who have hurt us quite often may simply go about their business unaffected by our hurt feelings. It is we ourselves who really suffer. By hanging onto our anger, pain, and guilt, we simply harm ourselves. Forgiveness is about freeing ourselves from the energy-draining quest for retribution and focusing instead on creating a new life for ourselves and our loved ones. Forgive yourself for getting into the difficult situation in the first place. Then let it go, chalking it up to valuable experience. On some level, you needed this lesson. You will know better next time.
You were not born to live in yesterday.
Isn't now the time you began letting go of the past and got on with your life?
(Some passages here are from articles by Jennifer Wolf and Peter Field).
"A past left unresolved will continue to haunt you if you don't address the underlying sorrow, pain and anger. You may not want to revisit aspects of what happened in the past but if you don't, you allow the part of your mind that conceals and glosses over hurts to dominate. And instead of fully comprehending what happened and learning from it, you live in the grip of the past subconsciously and let it eat away at you."
This is fine information Captain, and something that a lot of people will benefit from, including me. All of what you've said here, has been an important part of the process I've gone through after merely three weeks.
My "won't do again" thing? I won't put my needs second to another man again.
Thanks for this! Excellent, wise words.
You're very welcome, Moon - I hope it serves to ease your pain and suffering a little.
It has, but my pain and suffering seems to be at a halt for now. I've accepted a lot of things about my marriage, my contribution to its breakdown, etc, and also accepted where I'm at where the relationship with Rodney was concerned. I don't know if my emotional "storm" is at an end or not, but have felt pretty good about myself and everything for the last few days.
We'll see what happens! Thanks again
This has nothing to do with the subject.
Moon50 you replied to my request for a reading and I THANK YOU.
I posted a reply back to you in that thread. I don't really know how this forum thing works if you get notified or not. So I am letting you know.
Blessings to you Moon50!