If you want to find love, you must be ready for it
Would you offer someone a cake that is only half-baked, semi-raw? Or a piece of fruit that is immature or not fully ripe? In the same way, we cannot sit at home wishing for love or go out searching for our soulmate unless we have fully prepared ourselves for the meeting. We look for love and understanding outside of ourselves when we do not fully love or understand our own selves or what we really want. We are weighed down with insecurities and fears, with personal issues that prevent us recognizing the right partner, yet we forge on regardless, often settling for someone that society or our families and friends tell us we want. We are too confused or scared to make our own choices.
Taking some time to fully understand ourselves and what we want, to explore the
unfinished' parts or fill in the hole-ridden gaps in our hearts, will allow us to leave our old emotional 'baggage' behind and not thrust it on some poor unsuspecting love mate. You respect yourself and other people when you complete yourself rather than searching for someone else to do it for you. No one can make you happy and whole if you are not already that way first. A soulmate can make you HAPPIER, but not happy.
Healing begins and ends with the self. You have to want a lover for their own sake, not a parent-substitute or someone who will make you feel less insecure about yourself or who will make you less lonely, or whatever. Nobody else can solve your problems for you. Therefore any unresolved past issues must be rooted out and dealt with before you ever begin to seek outer companionship. Your future partner deserves to have a mate who is uncomplicated and strong and free of issues that they would get caught up in by being with you. It is the right and unselfish thing to do. If you are wounded and confused inside, you will only attract a similar mate. But if you are clear and wise and feel beautiful inside, then you will attract someone who thinks you are beautiful and lovable too.
So instead of rushing about blindly hoping to bump into the perfect partner by chance, draw them to you by giving off loving, secure vibes. Don't NEED a partner, simply enjoy having one whenever they arrive. Desperation never brings about a good outcome. If you love and like yourself and have worked through your issues, you will not then have to work hard to attract your best partner to you. that person will be automatically drawn to your amazing vibes and self-confidence.
Remember this - you attract to you what you give off. So make sure it is positive undamaged vibes you send out. Any negativity you project will only draw to you a negative person. A litttle bit of time spent on yourself now will pay off for you when you find that perfect lifemate.
No doubt people who read this post may ask "But how do I know what I need to resolve before I can find love? What are the possible subconscious fears that may be holding me back? How can I find out what my issues (if any) are?"
Therapy is no doubt a helpful tool when you have problems to overcome, and one of the primary strategies therapists use to uncover and solve your issues involves identifying common behavioral patterns. But you don't always need a therapist to recognize and correct an unhealthy pattern in your life. Here's are ways you can solve the problems that don't require professional help.
Look for repeated patterns of behaviour or circumstances in your life that you're not necessarily seeing consciously. You might have had a series of failed relationships or have been attracting only unstable or cheating partners. You may get restless in jobs once you know all there is to know about them. You may seek help to solve your (for example) anxiety issues or other phobias, but being anxious or fearful is just a symptom. While generic methods can be used to help, you need to actually get to the root of the problem to solve it. That's where patterns can be of great assistance. Ask yourself -
*What makes you feel anxious/guilty/afraid/insecure?
*Where do you feel this emotion (is there a specific location or circumstance)?
*When do you feel it?
*Who makes you feel it?
*Is this emotion connected to or reminiscent of anything that happened in your past?
Answering these questions can help you reveal the pattern. Continuing with the example, if large groups make you anxious, parties make you feel uncomfortable, you feel awkward when you're out to dinner with a large group, and loud personalities make you feel especially uncomfortable, you have an obvious pattern of having anxiety around outgoing people.
Perhaps your unresolved issues manifest as obvious physical symptoms or illness. Say for example you bite your nails and want to stop. Ask yourself the same questions. What makes you want to bite your nails? Where are you when you want to bite your nails? Are there any specific times when you want to bite your nails, when the urge is at its worst? Do you remember at what age you began biting your nails - and the circumstances? Does anyone or any particular situation want to make you bite your nails? Is there any other feeling associated with biting your nails, like say hunger?
Maybe your problems are all to do with emotions and relationships. Again find the pattern or trigger. Ask yourself how you behave and feel around someone you are attracted to. Do you think your behaviour is normal, or is it unnatural? Do you wear a mask for instance and not reveal your true feelings? Is there a relationship from the past which all your other prior relationships resemble? Is there a certain type of person you keep being attracted to - and do they remind you of anyone in your past? How do you feel when you are in a relationship? Do you feel you self-sabotage the relationship in any way? What mistakes do you feel you have made in past relationships?
Some common mistakes you may make when you go into a relationship -
You do not have a clear picture of what you are looking for in a mate. You should not settle, but look for what is really important to you instead of the material such as looks, education and financial status. Visualize the feeling of having a healthy relationship and get in alignment with true love.
Emotional availability. Some people do not open up immediately to a potential partner either because they are taking it slow or they just don’t know how to be open-hearted with others. Many times this is the way the child learned how to relate. You cannot attract a romantic amazing partner and have a wall up at the same time. If you have a wall, you will most likely attract those who have walls as well.
Unresolved resentment and anger. You can be the most confident person, but if you hold resentment about something that happened to you in the past, you may project that on to potential mates without knowing it. People can hear anger and bitterness in your voice. Maybe this is the reason that you don’t get asked out on a second date.
Impatience. Some singles want the right person to show up immediately and get impatient if they don't. Sometimes the ideal partner surfaces for them right away, but the person that would fit with them the best is not ready for them yet or they don't recognize each other. The antidote to impatience is trust and faith.
Staying inside your comfort zone. Try new ways to meet people and be open to different type of partner. "Shake things up” because what you are doing right now has not been working. Romantic relationships can be complicated and will definitely challenge you. If you find that you are staying inside a comfort zone, you may have a hidden fear of finding that special someone - which is the biggest block of all.
Interrogate yourself like you're a journalist. Ask the who, what, where, when, and why questions about your problem or issue.
Cross-reference your answer to each question to look for similarities. If you're having trouble seeing them, start comparing the seemingly different answers and ask yourself how they might relate to each other.
When you find relationships and patterns in your answers, consider ways to replace your unwanted behavior with a better one or work your way up to becoming more content with the things that make you uncomfortable.
Be patient. Figuring out the problem or issue is a lot easier than implementing a solution. Changing behavior takes time and perserverance. Figuring out the problem and deciding to fix it are both important steps, but they're only useful if you put them to good use.
Some more great advice! I think sometimes though, two can be brought together who have some issues, but are aware of them and working through them. Overall though, it is important to have a look at past patterns, etc. I know when I left my ex husband I was not aware of looking for someone completely the opposite to him, but that is what Rodney was. My criteria is pretty flexible really: compatibility and chemistry. I'd also like to add courage and hard-working, but apart from courage, can't think of a word starting with C so I could make my criteria the four C's!!
So, I'm looking at what I've learned in my last relationship because I really feel that this one has been very significant for me, if not more significant than my 23 year marriage. I've come to the conclusion that my time with Rodney was about self-love, and also - as you wisely pointed out in another thread - balance. I don't need to completely mother my partner, but couldn't see that's what I was doing with Rodney. I don't m ind mothering a bit, so long as I get mothered back!! Or fathered ... haha
Anyway, I do appreciate you putting this up, as it's such valuable advice and something a lot of people would want to know.
good on you!
(aka Mortein/Swat hahaha)
Lots to think about Captain, thanks
Perhaps compassion or common sense, Moon Swatter?
Caring, comforting, considerate, carefree...there really are some lovely 'C' words, aren't there?
Calm, cute, cuddly...I must stop now as I feel faint from contemplating (Hmm, Contemplative) this perfect male specimen.
Well done Captain .......now to find him !
Well, the astrologers do say that October is supposed to be a highly romantic month...
Well Captain, I like your C choices, and I'm swooning at the thought of such a perfect package coming in male form. It is already there in myself of course!!!!????? I kill myself sometimes!! Ah dear ... but, yeah, compassion, common sense, caring, cuddly ... oh lordy, if only
October is to be a hot month ay? Well ... let's see what comes round the corner!!
LOVED the post Captain! Thank you You are absolutely right...
I'm looking forward to seeing what the rest of october holds. I'm happy as a clam on my own but I certainly wouldn't mind a bit of romance... We'll see
By the way Captain, I forgot to acknowledge your nick-name "Moon Swatter"! I like it, I like it ALOT :))
PS: Does that make you Swatted??
It makes me see you as a mighty being if you can swat the moon.
KILLJOY!!!!! Only Vector and Gru can do that (don't know if you've seen Despicable Me, but highly recommend it. It is a kids movie, but I love it, surpassed only by Alice in Wonderland).
Having said that, nothing's impossible. So mefinks I must finda a way to swat the moon ... hmmm ... could be done :))