Feeling like a conflicted teenager
Hello Everyone! I haven't posted anything in over 2 years. During this time I have gotten divorced after a 20 year marriage, and my daughter moved away and started her life. About a year ago, I started what I call dating... which mostly consists of a string of hook ups, alot of them one night stands... and a few fwb. I have come to realize that I do not want to be this way. The past few months I have been looking for someone steady, but even as I am looking, I seem to somehow push them all away. The one guy that was truly interested in pursuing a relationship with me, I did not feel any chemistry beyond friendship.
I have done alot of self work in the past couple of years. I know that I suffer from romance/sex addiction. I am working very hard to understand this and keep it in check. I have even prayed that the spirit take these self-harming desires away from me. And I am feeling the answers to those prayers now. I have really been trying to give everything over to the spirit to guide me.
About 3 months ago, I started talking to a guy online. He was a little different... didn't push to meet... didn't push for dirty talk (which I hate). He seemed like a genuinely good guy. So, I finally mentioned that we only lived a few miles away fro each other, and maybe we should meet. We decided to meet after work one evening. So, obviously I didn't look my best... lol! but it was dark, so I didn't worry about it. When I saw him... I got so excited... which was unusual, because I had been on so many "blind" online dates, that it usually didn't phase me. He looked amazing to me. I had gotten used to everyone to not really being physically attracted to anyone, and certainly not thinking they were good looking. This guy looks amazing! I could not believe how attractive he was. We had a great time. I was starving... so I was eating like a pig... but he didn't seem to mind.
Afterward, he walked me to my car, and talked for a bit, and when he felt it, he kissed me. His kisses were kind of crazy... lots of teeth... lol... so I wasn't sure about him. He wanted to get room, but I declined. A few days later, he text me... kind of hinted at getting together... I was having a rough day at work and was very stressed and wanted to blow off steam, so I suggested the room. The evening was a little awkward... but I still had a great time with him.. the chemistry was better than most. He kept looking at me in a way that made me wonder what he was thinking. But he made it pretty clear that this was a sexual thing...and I got the idea that I wasn't what he was looking for in a woman... so I agreed, and we talked about it being a regular thing. So, we have been fwb for a cpl months. I made it clear that I didn't want anything serious and would continue to date.
We've been seeing each other every week or so, keeping it casual. The last 3 times we've met, he has asked me if I have been with anyone, and I have been honest that I have. He said he hasn't. I have been sexual with 2 other men,(now wishing I hadn't) and just went out to dinner with one. The thing is, that I am no longer interested in seeing anyone else anymore, because I keep thinking about him, and wanting to be with him. (which is also different for me) The time before last, when he asked me, I just said that "I'm always talking to someone, but haven't seen anyone", the last time I told him that I really wasn't interested in dating anymore, and his response was "you'll change you mind"
So, what has happened on my end is that I am interested in getting to know him better and seeing if this great chemistry can be something deeper. Although I am really scared to go there... I feel like taking a chance with him. I feel like I can be completely honest with him, which is something I didn't have with my ex. I feel myself obsessing over him like I have done in the past, which usually leads to me pushing them away. Yet, this also feels different... I have a certain peace and "knowing" that he will be in my life for a while. Yet, I still have this "need" to know what he is thinking about me. He has said and done a few little things that makes me think he is interested in moving further... but they are so subtle, that I am unsure... and I don't want to blow this one. I really like him and feel a connection with him that I have not felt before. I want to keep him in my life... but I'm soo scared of being on the loosing end.
I know I am over-analyzing this, and I have written quite a lengthy post... so I understand if it's too much to read and don't get any responses. It has just helped to write it all down. If anyone was able to read to the bottom, I'd appreciate any insight you may have.
Thank you! Love and Blessings to all!
Hello Missy, I don't post much but I read your story so you aren't alone, smile.
I usually choose those that choose to pursue me - it just makes my life easier and is so much more fun! It sounds like you won't know for sure about this guy as things will be so messy with the sex thing going on and honestly, I think he's asking about other people as a kind of voyeur thing - not a I want an exclusive realtionship thing. If he wanted it, he'd would not be being "subtle" about it...honestly, really, I guarantee it. He may have pigeon holed you based on your honest responses, I hope not but...???
plus the not pressuring you to meet but then wanting to head to a hotel the first time? and being so good looking, hmmm, is he still online?Kind of sounds like a player to me - sorry!
it's your path and you can chose to go down it but yeah, it'll be reaaaaalllly hard to get a position of power back, esp. in a friends with benefits thing.
If it were me - and I online dated for two years before I met my boyfriend of 3 years now - next time I'd say ya know, I'm not doing friends with benefits with anyone, including you. I want to spend time developing an actual relationship with someone - and see if he ducks and runs, smile. I wouldn't even answer questions about what I did unless there was an "exclusive" talk anyway - it just gives him power over you, imo.
If you get addicted to him it's all gonna be soo much harder....sounds like it's going to be hard enough as it is.
Good luck, best wishes, and bright blessings to you! Love does come so never give up....
I read all this, then went away and thought about it. I thought about the criteria for sex/romance addiction, even went and did a quiz myself.
I am not a sex/romance addict apparently. Neither are you.
What I feel here is that you were in a 20year marriage, left it and suddenly, you went "YAY! I'M FREE!!!" and went out and had a bit of harmless fun. I'm getting that your marriage may have been a bit lack-lustre; no real chemistry there, no tender, intimate moments and probably no exciting sex anymore. A 20 year marriage would go through that sort of phase, more than once. But if the actual emotional intimacy is still there, then all other intimacy will be too, just not as importantly as it was in the first year or so.
You have over-analysed this! For heaven's sake, if a bloke leaves a 20+ year marriage and goes on a sexual bender for years, no-one thinks anything of it! A woman does it, and she questions whether or not she's a sexual deviate, suffering from co-dependency and all sorts of things. You were simply sowing your oats, so to speak. Enjoying freedom from what I think was a largely loveless marriage.
Of course you're going to be afraid of deep intimacy again, especially after only two years! I don't mean to make this sound like you're the silly person who didn't think of this and I'm so high adn mighty, but I've been there myself. I've been separated/divorced for three years. I went on dating sites in the first year, was I think, addicted in a way to being loved, but somewhere deep inside of me was a yearning to actually love MYSELF. This is where the problem always is. In a loveless marriage, both involved will suffer low self-esteem somewhere. One or both may also end up disliking, even hating, themselves because of it. It is not selfless to stay in a loveless marriage. It actually ends up being selfish. I know this, because I became a selfish woman in the last years of my marriage I feel.
I am learning to give more now. I have just ended an 18 month relationship, and even though I've been devastated in the last few weeks (he moved out three weeks ago), I am picking up them bits and getting on with it. He's distant and cold when I talk to him, doesn't want to show me any warmth or anything like he was when he was with me. It's almost like I did something to him somewhere and he's never forgiven me for it. Boo him.
I am seeing that this is his loss.
Now, after raving on about me (sorry), I would really like it if you would stop planting all these labels on yourself and give yourself a break! You will undergo quite a while of strange behaviour you didn't think you were capable of. I have a friend who, for the first year or so of leaving her abusive and loveless marriage, became addicted to prescription drugs, drank too much and became obsessed with a fellow who didn't really reciprocate. I also was obsessed with one I'd dreamed of for over 8 years. I have now learned that his role in my dreams was to get me out of an unhappy situation; that was all.
This man you're currently interested in: is he quite a bit older than you? If not, he seems older. I get an image of him sitting back, looking right INTO you and seeing someone who needs a bit of a gentle hand. He seems accepting of your need to be a bit distant and keep things casual. But I also think he may know that deep down, you crave that deep intimacy and to be part of coupledom again.
I feel that you will have a very good relationship with this man. He will be tolerant of your quirky behaviour, and understanding of it. He's been there too I think. You're saying you don't really want to see other men anymore, and maybe this is why this fellow has come along. You need someone who'll be there for you, rather than wham, bam, thankyou ma'am.
I honestly think this is a case of you've had your fun, and now you want to settle down a bit and be quiet.
So, let those fears go. Follow where this relationship takes you, rather than trying to force its direction.
I wish you luck and happiness!
PS: I could strangle my last partner as he keeps talking to me like I'm some sort of pathetic little kid, when he was the one who cried on my shoulder most of the time! UGHH
Hi jlinaangel! Thank you for responding. I know that the fwb thing does complicate things, which is why I am having a difficult time reading him. However, it really has been me dictating that all along. I usually let guys pursue me as well... then I get bored with them and move on, if I have not already pushed them away. This just feels different. You may be right about the voyeur thing... I guess everyone has their quirks as far as what excites them, and as long as it isn't hurting anyone, then it doesn't bother me. I'm not saying he was wanting to be exclusive really, but maybe just feeling it out. to see where I am at. I get the impression that he has actually not had alot of experience with women, and I think the reason he was eager to get a room was because it had been a while... so I don't think he's a player. I mean its obvious when you are with someone if they have had alot of experience, and as I said, things were a little awkward at first. I really don't feel like he has any position of power over me, because I have been pretty much calling the shots. I guess I am trying to figure out if he is waiting for me to come around, or just playing along. Interesting thought about changing the fwb status and seeing how he reacts. I will give that some thought. We did hang out tonight, and it did not involve anything sexual. We had a nice time, and I think it was a good step in the right direction. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate having another perspective to evaluate from.
Hi Moon50! Thank you for all your wonderful feedback. I will have to look for that quiz. According to the books I am reading, I have the tendencies for it, and I see alot of those dynamics from my marriage. The difference now is that I am aware of what is going on. You are right about the lack of intimacy and excitement in my marriage. After a few years, we were in a habit. We were best friends, there for each other, but no more fireworks for sure. We went over a year at one point without being intimate. And I think you are right about me enjoying my freedom and sowing my wild outs... as I got married at 19 and never really did that. Now I think I have a better idea of what I want and need in a partner, if/when I am ready for that. I agree with what you are about the fear of intimacy, loving myself, and the selfishness of staying in the marriage. I am glad I finally realized I needed to get out, for both our sakes. I am learning to love myself now and that I am worthy of being loved by others. I have really come a long way in the healing process.
Yes, I have definitely done alot of crazy things that I never thought I would do. Some good, some bad, but I try to have no regrets, as I have just been trying to experience life and figure out what I want. I can feel myself moving into a new place of forgiveness, peace, and serenity, and perhaps that is why I am actually open to this situation.
I am actually 8 years older than he is. I am 41, he is 33, but he doesn't act like other 33 year olds that I've met. He's just so different. I appreciate you insight in that he might see and understand where I am at and what I need. I really hope that is the case... it is really a nice thought. I know that I do feel safe and comfortable with him. I also believe that people come into your life for a reason, and I know that he will at the very least help me along my path in some way. And I think that he has crossed my path now because I am ready to calm down. I am really making an effort to take things as they come and not force anything. I am ready to let things happen... but I am not a patient woman! Lol!
I am sorry to hear about your recent break up. I wish you many blessings as you begin to heal and move on. You are right, it is his loss! I can relate to him treating you like a kid and being one himself. My ex acted like the big man, but in the end, everything fell on my shoulders. I was the caretaker.
Your words have meant alot to me. I needed the encouragement.
Love and Blessings!
I'm glad to be of help to you Missy. Let me know how things go
Missy, that's great. I also know what it's like to call the shots - I think that was why I was saying see what he does to pursue without you calling them? And nothing's wrong with whatever people like - that was just that there might be other reasons he'd be asking. I wouldn't want to discuss it, but this is your gig, smile!
But anyway, I've figured out that what I was hearing was missing and that you might be wanting is true intimacy, and that you have a hard time with that due to craving excitement and other stuff too. We all do, in a way, huh?
Sounds like you had a start at intimacy tonite and hope it goes really well. I've found that a man 6 years younger than me is sooo much easier to be with than one that was 10 years older than me, so that's good too.
I also found intimacy is much harder than sex in a way and requires me to be a lot more grown up, but it's pretty much worth it as far as having a relationship that actually enriches my life. Which is what I hope you find when you're ready.
Nothing has to be hard of course, but since you've found a spark (and I know how rare that is!) I hope it develops into something good for you - in all ways, in the moment, for your growth, joy, etc. etc.
All the best,
Thank you Jlina for the clarification. It will be difficult for me to give up that position of calling the shots, but I think you are right about that. I will have to think on how to do that... as I am just as scared of loosing this (whatever it is) as I am of pursuing it. You are right about craving the true intimacy, as that was missing from my marriage for a very long time. I've never really had the kind of excitement that I have had the desire for either. And I guess I am hoping for both.
Ya know, I have been hung up on the age difference.... thinking we are in two different places. Now I am thinking that maybe we are in the same place... I just took the longer, more complicated path to get there. Lol! That's the way I roll.
Interesting perspective that intimacy is more difficult than sex. It makes sense, as you have to open up on the inside to give as well as receive. It involves using the most delicate part of you heart and soul. Once it has been injured, the desire is to do whatever possible to protect it. It is alot easier to connect in a physical nature. Perhaps this is why many men seek out sex instead of an emotional attachment. Something to ponder. It might be the subject of a research paper at some point. Thanks for the idea!
You are right about the spark. It is hard to find. I did find a similiar spark about a year and a half ago. It was with a married man, which I know I shouldn't have been sexual with him... but at the time I didn't care. I was being very selfish at the time. I know that he crossed my path though to help me feel comfortable in my own skin, and show me what it was like to truly connect with someone on a physical level. I never had that in my marriage. I always felt ashamed to be interested in sex.
I was 19 when I met my ex. It was a whirl wind romance. Everyone thought we were the cutest couple. He asked me to marry him 2 months later, and we got married 4 months after that. I think in the back of my mind I knew I shouldn't marry him, but it seemed that it was fate. I know it was part of my path, and I have a wonderful daughter who is the greatest blessing I could receive. I guess right now, I am having a difficult time deciphering the difference. All I know is that underneath all the confusion, it feels good, and I guess I should go with that.
Thanks again for the insight. You have no idea how much you have helped! Blessings to you!
Captain? you have helped me so much in the past... do you have any perspective on this?
It's like we both say things to each other to indicate we want more... but then say something later to contradict ourselves... like we are spinning our wheels. I don't know if I should just come right out and talk about it, or just wait... or just forget it... Tonight I saw that he has me named as "Don't" in his phone. I am not sure what that means, and I am perplexed by it.