Looking for hope - warning, grim topic



  • I am happily married to the love of my life; we met seven years ago this month and started dating on Thanksgiving 2002. It took 2 days to know we were deeply in love and on New Year's Day at a few seconds after midnight, he got down on bended knee in front of our dearest friends and asked me to become his wife. We have been tested by fire: we have had times where we were extremely poor, with him choosing to work as a day laborer when neither of us could find work in our technical career fields but forbidding me from joining him, as he said he wanted to protect me from that environment (since many of his fellow day laborers were prisoners).

    I knew going into this that I have type 2 diabetes, and high blood pressure, and found out in 2000 that I had only one functioning kidney. He was very aware of all of this. We found out in 2005 that he has type 2 diabetes, but he put me on his employee health care plan instead of himself when we couldn't afford the premiums for two people. By the time I found out he had done this and asked him not to do it, but to take care of his own health needs, it was too late and he had already made the switch. As of 2006 we both have had continuous health care coverage, but I share this just to share with you the type of man he is.

    But then in early 2007 we found out that I have kidney disease and I would wind up on dialysis; dialysis started less than a year later and I'm still on it. I do it every night. I'm a lot healthier now than when I was feeling so bad from the kidney disease. I am on the transplant list and hope to get one if one of my two volunteer donors is a match; they're being tested. One is a friend and one is a close relative. Otherwise I probably have a long wait ahead of me.

    I'm concerned about how long my husband and I have together, and whether he will be OK if I predecease him. I am 8 years younger than he is but he doesn't have kidney failure and I do. I have a terrible feeling that I have to get as much as possible of my life goals done now, or as soon as possible, because I feel I don't have a lot of time. I am OK with that but I'm concerned for my beloved; he is the single best thing that's ever happened to me, and if someone has some insight into whether he would be OK after I am gone from this plane and what, if anything, I need to do to ensure that he is, I would appreciate this very much.

    My DOB is 12/10/1959, 12:53 am. I am middling tall (about 5'6.5"), curvy and in need of some weight loss (the type of dialysis I do is full of sugar and some gets into my bloodstream; no matter how little I eat or how much I exercise, I gain weight). I have ash brown hair that is often dyed auburn and is a tiny bit more than shoulder length, very fair redhead skin but no facial freckles, gray-blue eyes, and a very erect carriage. I have a catheter implanted in my abdomen; it is a slender flexible tube about a foot long. I was born in the San Francisco Bay Area.

    His DOB is 08/20/1951, and I think he was also born in the middle of the night but am not sure. He was born in Ohio. He's a couple of inches taller at 5'9", with narrow rather than muscular or stocky arms and shoulders, a rounded stomach (less so these days than a couple of months ago but still very much in need of losing some weight), a completely gray mustache, gray hair with a bit of very dark brown still in some of the strands, somewhat bald in front but with plenty of hair left on top towards the back, hazel eyes that sometimes change color to green, and when he wants to be , he's funny (truly witty) and charismatic. In 2007 when I was so ill, he added "caregiver" to being a loving husband and the sole breadwinner for our little family of two, without complaint or resentment; he is a miracle in my life.

    Any intuition or reading into our future together, my future in medicine or health care, and particularly whether he would be OK if I crossed over first would be truly appreciated.



  • Dear one, you are to be commended for your long term efforts. I feel that you both have something very few people get to share in this life. Please know this...it is my belief that when a soul is born, it is torn into two pieces. Those two halves spend all their lives in search of the other to make them whole. You truly, in my eyes, have found each other. What you have between the two of you is something no other can ever take away, not even death. Love continues even after we are no longer allowed to use the mobile body unit. The body is merely a vessel in which we drive through this life. Yes, we have to give it up someday, but life does not end there. Nor does love. It is my belief hat when we depart this earth, we are merely going on to a new existence. One of miraculous wonders and adventure. Regardless of who goes first, you must realize that the love you have now goes with you. Two halves who found each other in this life, will find each other again in the next. I feel you already realized that in the beginning. Things will be fine, whatever may happen. Simply trust in what you do not fully understand. Not everything in this life makes sense, it's not suppose to. Trust in the love you have for each other, and know that it is enough. You have already weathered so much. Spend your time focusing on now, and each other. Do not let worries of what might or will happen take away from what you currently have. Love is everlasting. Trust in it. It has been there since time began, and will continue on for all eternity. I wish the two of you all the best for now and the next life. Blessed be both of you.



  • cancerianqueen....That was really nice!


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