Captain ~ update about abusive mom



  • Hi Captain,

    I remained firm about not speaking to my mother because of her toxic behaviour, and after two months I received a couple phone calls that I did not answer, and then this afternoon I received an angry birthday card in the mail (I've had to throw them away the past few years). She told me that I am the abusive one and sees nothing wrong with her behaviour. My actual birthday is on the 26th, so I am glad I didn't get it on the actual day.

    I realise the only way to live my life now is to cut her out of it permanently. I don't feel guilty anymore, and I have accepted that she may not have the capacity to change. Her nastiness seems so deep-seated that I don't think she could change because she doesn't recognise that she has a problem. My heart goes out to her because of the mental and physical illnesses, but she's not doing anything to help herself and in the process is hurting those around her in an extreme way. So I've walked away.

    My only concern is god forbid she passes away without ever being able to understand how her actions have been seriously abusive and hurtful to her children. I have a younger sister who has also had to put up with this.

    What do you think of this, I have a feeling that I am doing the right thing.......just not sure about the spiritual implications of people passing on after an estrangement such as this. I want to do what's best for the greater good but I have to take care of myself too, and the only way is not to have her in my life.



  • Yes, some people are so toxic that everyone must avoid them to prevent being 'infected' themselves. There is not much anyone can do for people like your mother. She is determined not to see herself as at fault, even though she is. She will only learn from bitter experience, probably over several lifetimes. If she passes without any reconciliation with her family, that is on her for her bad behaviour and not on you.



  • Thanks, Captain...

    I have a feeling she may be working out some serious issues over lifetimes because of how she is with everyone. She is so stubborn and has no self-awareness at all it seems. I just hope one day either here or beyond that she will gain some kind of clarity.



  • Think of you cutting her off as the best way to help her understand she has issues to deal with. Sometimes it's the only way to help people to see what is wrong with them - of course she is in denial about herself but deep down she knows she is in the wrong - that's why she gets so angry.



  • Ah, yes, this is true. Denial is a big thing with her with regards to her conflicts with others. I don't want to hurt her, but I realise this is a matter of my own health and will soldier on 🙂


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