Thank you again Captain. Yes, Rodney does need to lay his fiancee's ghost to rest, although as I said to him, there is a difference between grieving for someone and hanging on to them. He's gone back to the house he shared with her because that'll be where he heals. A part of me wishes I could be there going through it with him, but ... I don't think I'd fare all that well doing that at the moment and he needs his space.
Blmoon, I am overwhelmed by your information to say the least! I have tried to read it all, but can't focus (am emotionally and physically drained today). When I regain my focus, I'll read all this again. What I have read has left me reeling, and it's obvious I'm not in a fit state to take in the bit I've read! YOu have gone to so much trouble ... and I thank you for that.
It's hard to know if the house itself has contributed/caused the break between Rodney and I, because he said it wasnt' the house when I asked him. Then again, sometimes a person can be unaware of the cause of ill-feeling, can't they?
Anyway, am going to nip off to bed and try to fall into a restful sleep, and try not to miss Rodney too much. God knows I've done that through the daylight hours. I'll try and reason with the spirits who are here too and see what happens. Though maybe they're the reason why I don't feel all that alone here by myself
Thank you both; you are truly awesome ladies and I'm privileged to "know" you
Moon, I think the presence of the spirits may have contributed somewhat to Rodney's unease, but I think mainly he is still working through the stages of grief - shock/denial, pain/guilt, anger/bargaining, depression/reflection/loneliness, and then onto working through/reconstruction, and finally acceptance/hope. It sounds like he is still in the depression stage but at least that is the last stage before the upward turn towards acceptance and wholeness. He just has to realize that he needs to be with living people, and not with those who have passed on.
Agreed. He did say that he has sensed/seen a presence out of the corner of his eye, which I have also sensed/seen. So I wonder if his poor, exhausted mind has reacted to being with a "living" woman who still has the spirit/s of the dead in her house. I had to pick some items up from him today and I asked him if he felt better being back in his fiancee's house, and he said he did. I'm not even sure if he misses me really. I told him I missed him. I can't lie and won't. I have told myself and him that pride/ego has no place in what we're going through. However, I won't be buggered around either.
Its always hard to let someone you love go, even though you know it's for the best. That has been the story of my life and I'm sitting here trying not to get angry about being 50 and alone yet again. I truly am alone; which may sound like whingeing, but I have no real relationship with my parents (I won't be picking up the phone and telling them about this because I'd get the usual, "oh well, that's a pity" then on to what's going on their lives) my daughter lives with her father, and my only company is my ageing dog and lunatic cat Still, I can scream and cry as loud as I want and no-one can hear me, which is a plus. I am lucky to have some great friends here, and most of them I work with. Their support has been huge these last few days, as well as yours, Blmoon's and some other kind people on here.
I guess I understand this is a test of patience and faith for me, while at the same time - as I said above - I'm getting angry at always being the one who is left behind. I suppose once I get through the anger stage, I'll come out the other side.
While I don't want to bore you, I did have the weirdest dream last night (last night being the first night alone). Rodney had to arrange to have our younger dog put down yesterday as he was out chasign the sheep. We knew this would eventually happen, and had plans in place to have him impounded, even though we also knew he'd be put down. He was devastated about that, as I was, but we were the wrong owners for him and it was a mistake taking him in the first place. You live and you learn. So, I am dreaming I could hear a couple of cars coming over the grid into my place. They were driving wrecklessly and yelling out to each other. I heard one say "I'll take the car" and another say "I'll go round the back". Next thing, I get up and see my car being driven away with the tailgate up. I began to get scared, and crept towards the back of the house. Through the screen door I could see the shadow of a man holding a rifle. I woke up then. But I was as calm as eggs. I had a restless night for the rest of it, but ... how weird!? I feel it was a dream on the tail end of all that has gone on, which is why I told you about the dog. Rodney got a mate of his out to shoot him, and he's buried up the back. I can't bring myself to go up to his grave yet, but will no doubt.
So there's my sorry story. If I have bored you, I'm sorry. I am attempting to go inwards for most of this, but am at that awful, raw stage of being so lost and sad. I have cried on any willing shoulder which is not like me; usually I keep it in and battle on, not even giving vent when I'm home on my own.
That is it for now, truly
Cheers and thanks
I'm saving my energy as I have some things to get done for myself so won't go deep but just want you to know that your grieving man needs space to heal and this process would have been a nessassary event house or no house. When my son passed I was reclusive in a way that took several years to ease out of . AND I was physicaly weak--no stamina and caught everything. You are at a crossroads of the usual times a slipping--I want to do things--finish goals--find dreams--the usual lord am I realy this old wake up call. But in deep loss and grief there is a earth shattering stillness. One's whjole existence shatters into pieces and then one must put back together themselves and to make sense of loss one must also examine the pieces that do not serve them and it is a great going inward. Like a wounded animal that must curl up and lick the wounds and mend--you can not control this. You two are in a different place and this seperation is no ones fault it is about timing and personal needs. The spirit he grieves is with him and he needs to work through the part of letting goo of the body presence --being held in the grave and adjusting to the spirits new reality of still being there for him but only if he can feel that presence and he is doing that now. Her spirit was crowded there in your house as you do have many restless spirits both happy and those attached by life energy still haunting with the past imprint of intense emotions. Also, it is not about loving you or not--he just does not have the energy emotionaly--it is too soon. During my own grief I found so much other's take for granted exhausting and it puts you in a position of sad awareness to try and keep up and it makes it worse to try as you are constantly rfearful of how long it will last. My son has been passed 4 years and I just got my full physical stamina back this year! The thing with grief is it is so out of control you can not predict no matter how strong you are grief has it's own agenda so one is fearful of losing it in public or around others. Even to be with good friends can be exhausting so it is too soon for him as grief is a lonely trip only he can take--other's can be there for him but no one can walk through it and as captain said it really does have several layers. If one fights it and puts on a happy front it only manifests in nightmares or a sudden breakdown because--and this is my own doctor talking---the pain must be walked through and there is no easy fix or magic formula to avoid that so that is why a person needs room to be a little crazy on the bad days--to be able to be alone and cry on cry days. Grief is a process and unless he is seriousely not taking care of himself he just needs time to honor this process fully and I get that like most grievers they go through an avoidance time of I am going to be strong--be busy I am in control and I'm moving on BUT it usually has a rebound effect and a great humbling effect of --no I am not in control of this and I must grieve and let go. Letting go is scary.! Let his grief lead the way and do not take it personal--it really is not about you at all and you can not fix it. BLESSINGS1
Thank you Blmoon. A part of me wants to wait for him to heal and come back, while the other is grieving itself and is aware that I am not getting any younger and don't want to still be alone in five years. He did say it wasn't to do with me, but that he no longer felt the "deep love" he felt for me to start with. I realised I was also travelling the same path, for different reasons, and that I was emotionally exhausted too. today I am so tired, but have to face a long day at work, and hope that the energy comes to get me through it. I am dealing with physical pain as well as emotional ... or maybe it's all emotional
Time heals, or so I'm told. But this will really test my patience as I'm not a patient woman. We also have been a bit "toxic" for each other; we were putting away too much alcohol too often, although not enough to render us incapable of doing our jobs. But enough to cast a rather depressive pall over eveything. We talked and talked though, and that's what I miss: our conversations and laughs. Ah well ...
Thank you again. I hope your spiritual energy returns soon, though I think most of us are battling with that at the moment.
Cheers and blessings to you too!
The times we are physically alone can be the best times for feeling our connection to spirit and to the whole collective of mankind. We are never truly alone - our angels and guides are always with us, loving and supporting us. Mother Nature is all around us, nurturing and enriching. Even those who have passed are around us - as you have experienced. Loneliness is truly an illusion. It's just that we ignore the spiritual connections because our physical and emotional pain gets in the way. Let go Moon and releasel all your pain that you have dammed up for years - it's time to let it out and let it drain away. Holding onto emotion only hurts.
When two people who love each other are apart, they can use the time to work on their personal development. Sometimes couples tend to submerge their individual growth in the wonder and joy of being together, but it is just as important to remember who 'you' are as well as 'we'. Instead of feeling lost, use this interval as a time for YOU, for doing the things that you might have put on hold while Rodney occupied your life. As long as you can be your own best supporter, you will never be without a friend.
Moon, what is it you fear will happen if you are alone in five years?
Having no-one to share things with I suppose! And the fact that I'll be five years closer to 60 ...
And you're right too: In the last few months I could feel a sense of putting things off while Rodney was here. Whereby I love being with him, I was becoming overwhelmed with a sense of urgency about doing things that I was not doing.
Am exhausted today, but hve visited the grave of our younger dog and apologised for what we had to do. I've asked his soul - when it is healed - to come back as a pet I can look after properly, so he can finally find his happy place on earth. I am sad about this, even though it, too, was inevitable.
And you know, I've always thought that humans are social creatures and need to be with people rather than be hermits. This is the "fear" I have of being Madam Hermit in five years, although I've known many women who have chosen this sort of life and are very happy in it. I can't see myself being one of them, but ... ?
Thanks again for this!
Perhaps it is not so much a partner that you need to have by 60, but some sort of personal achievement, success, or recognition - to feel that you have done something with your life?
I think people often mistake being alone with being unloved, but it just ain't so.
Well, yes, I can see the sense in what you're saying. I do dearly want to feel I've achieved something on my own in this life; something that helps make the world a better place. I no longer want to ride on another's band wagon, which is largely why I left my marriage.
And I know that I don't want to "NEED" a partner, but rather I want to WANT one. I have believed for a long time that you should never need anyone more than you want them, which is what happened in my rather co-dependent marriage. I wanted Rodney with me and he, me. But I guess we have served our purpose together for now, and we now need to get on with our lives.
I have taken some steps today to begin living alone; simple, small ones, but feel better for it.
I will always wish Rodney well, even though I went through some anger about it last night, AND these recalcitrant spirits I have here!! I yelled at them to PLEASE STOP INTERFERING IN MY LIFE and to allow me to find happiness, whether with someone or without. However, I also told them that if they could butt out, I would be happy to live in harmony with them, so long as they welcomed whoever walks through my door
It is a very confusing time for me and others, and we all need to try and remain calm in the midst of the storms we are each experiencing. Rodney said yesterday, when I went to pick some things up from him, "we'll get there". And we will.
Katherine said she did not welcome Rodney because he upset you and let you down (like all men do, she added with a 'humph!').
Hmm, a typical attitude from a hurt, hopeless woman. I can't count the times I've been hurt by men, whether lovers or not, but I get up and try again after a spell of emotional recovery. I truly HATE going from one relationship to another; nor do I want to be in an on again, off again situation. It's either on or it's not, end of story. I don't believe all men will let me - or any other woman - down. This time with Rodney has served one major purpose for me, and that is to trust again and love openly. However, with it going a bit "sour" for some months, we'd pulled away from each other. Maybe that's why my back has been giving me curry lately ...
I love the "humph!". You know, if she sees that a mere female mortal can make a success of being with a man, she just might find a release for her own soul. I feel she needs to find the one who was her true love, and he is there on the other side of the veil.
I am letting any anger I feel have its vent. I feel dumped, let down, etc. But, I refuse to let it stop me from trying again, given the right opportunity. Katherine needs to see that methinks
You're right, Katherine needs to re-find love and put away her negativity.
Moon, I am getting the feeling both you and Rodney may have jumped the gun with your relationship and that once you have both worked through your unresolved issues from former relationships, you can meet again as newer less damaged people. I do feel there is still a lot of negative emotion over your marriage still there inside you.
You know, when Rodney said he wanted to "call it a day" I realised that he wasn't the only "broken" one. I also realised that I had suffered so much disappointment, abandonment and abuse in my marriage that I had internalised a lot of it. I also was hurting about losing my daughter, even though I haven't actually "lost" her; she simply chose to live with her father as he was more conveniently located for her out of school stuff (tafe, etc) and I wasn't, plus my working hours didn't fit with being able to get her anywhere. But the hurt came because in her younger years, with her father constantly away, it was always the two of us.
I do feel we jumped the gun; was worried about it a bit when we first got together, but I see now that we were both hurting and needed to be with someone. What we had was the best relationship I've had with anyone, although in the last few months - as I said to him - we had become a bit toxic with each other. We were both trying to work through our own pain, with me knowing his fiancee's ghost was in the way and the ghost of my marriage, so we drank and talked a lot. Which can be good, but it was getting too much I feel. I haven't taken a drink for four days because I don't want to and don't feel like it. I also told him that I loved him more for what he was choosing to do. Living a lie never works and brings those involved down every time. My marriage was proof of that.
But, as said above, with my back pain and sciatic still giving me curry, there's obviously something stuck in there that needs to come out. I am seeking the help of a Health and Wellness lady who, luckily, lives here in town; I'm going to see her a day next week. There is also another lady here who does Reiki if memory serves, and I'm going to get in touch with her mother to see if she still practises it.
When it comes to love, I've always said, never say never. Yet, as you've said (and I realise the truth of it) one needs to be able to be with themselves without being "abusive", or toxic, towards the self, because that paves the way for receiving the same in relationships.
I know one thing, and that is that when the time is right, I will want Rodney back in my life, as he's more man than anyone I've been with including my ex-military husband, who was a hero. But not of my heart; Rodney was, and still is, that.
I can feel a shift coming for me, and am taking this physical pain as evidence of that. I sure bloody hope so, coz I can't stand dragging myself around like an old lady for much longer!! Still, I've kept my end up at work and got on with the job, so I'm proud of that
And the saga continues ... sigh ...
Thank you again; many blessings go your way from this hurting little girl
The fifties are a time for healing. By then one is able to see patterns and is ready hopefuly to be done with it. If you have been on path it should come together by your fifties. It usualy starts from a very very solitary place as if suddenly your eyes are wide open and you realize all there is is YOU. And all the things you blamed in your life for holding you back suddenly do not cut it. This is the time for no more lies--no more excuses and the clock is indeed ticking so there must be a loving attitude towards yourself to be ENOUGH. To just be your own happiness regardless of where your at and to outsmart that shadow side of yourself that attracts reruns of pain gathering. You are not going to attract a mate until you understand the dynamics of your marriage and take responsability for your part. NOT in a judgemental way--that is the key. You are abusive to yourself. Own that and work on that. Your daughter needs that so much and you can heal her by healing yourself. You are caught in a world of victims. Not that you are not a tough cookie but that you allow pain to be your lover. I am not sure about the reki but do see a psychic woman coming your way but part of you will resist so you must allow trust and love--true love to open the door to healing. We can know a truth in our heads but knowing how to live it is not easy--it is like leaping blindfolded off a cliff trusting we can fly. Honestly, you do not know what love feels like or acts like. By doing the millions of little things that love does for one'sself is how we learn what love is from others. Little things are so important as they send out energy into the world. Do you deprive your body of loving gestures? Are your shoes worn sad dogs? Do you pretty up for no one but you? Be good to yourself--you deserve it! You are loved! Choose love! BLESSINGS!
Ii think Rodney and me were both "self-abusers". This week, I've been on a little/no alcohol diet and tried to eat better. Plus do some exercise on my treadmill. I am feeling a bit better today physically.
I have not blamed myself for my relationship breakdown, but miss him a great deal.
The marriage, however, is another thing that I'm searching for residual muck I haven't dealt with. In talking to my daughter the other day, I told her that the marriage between her father and me was co-dependent, with me as the enabler.
Growing up in my family was a difficult ride. I had a sister who suffered epilepsy, and all attention was on her. If I asked for any, I was reprimanded and told to go away and not be so self-centred. My sister also was very difficult to grow up with (there is 7 years between us). She used to quietly tell me through gritted teeth how much she hated me and how much she wished I'd died at birth. How I was fat, ugly and stupid. My parents didn't know about any of this, and even though it could've been taken as the usual sibling spat-rivalry thing, I grew up feeling like both my mother and sister really did despise me.
Marriage to my husband was like living at home again. He told me he hated me more than once, and was physically rough/abusive towards me too. So many times I went to leave, and yet, he'd plead and promise to change and I gave in to it. I was blamed for his behaviour and wore that like a badge.
So, yes, pain did become my lover; something I was familiar with. What I had with Rodney was good until it became toxic, and I worry that we both thought it was too good to be true and attempted - subconsciously - to sabotage it. Well, my worries have been confirmed and we succeeded in ending something that was, until a few months ago, good.
I bought new shoes the other day! And a nice outfit for my daughter's end of school formal - or prom as I think you call it in the US. Apart from still puffing away on the fags, I am trying to be kinder to myself than I have been. And as said, I have not blamed myself for the breakdown of my recent relationship. I also don't blame myself for the breakdown of my marriage, although I did for quite some time and the guilt was enormous. I'm happy my ex husband has found happiness iwth someone else now; that's something I achieved by leaving.
So I suppose now you're going to tell me that it was my own self-abusive nature that caused the breakdown of my marriage? Did I imagine the rough and sometimes abusive treatment I got from my ex husband? Was that all in my head; or more to the point, what I expected to get? Ah dear ... the thought of that causes me great sorrow and doubt.
I am going to see a lady next week who conducts a Health and Wellness centre. I did attend part of a meditation course with her a couple of years ago, but had to drop it as my work hours clashed with it far too much. Still, I've had enough messages to get in touch with her, so that's where I'm headed next Thursday.
I'm tired of accepting second best. I'm tired of not seeing myself as important enough to ask for the best for myself. So I decided the other day that I will accept any and all gifts the universe has to give me and will not question it, or feel that I've got to pay it forward until I choose to. I've never been good at being given things unless I feel I can even the score somehow.
Times, they are a-changin' ...
Thanks! You've left me with a great deal to mull over.
One other thing: The night before Rodney left, he drank a lot and I didn't. However, the emotional storm that overtook me was huge and I found myself openly sobbing in front of him; not in an effort to get him to stay, but more because I knew how important it was for him to go, and how I loved him more for doing what he knew was necessary. And me for letting him go without being angry and accusing. Though in the last day or so I've tried to find something, ANYTHING crappy about him so I can break those ties, I can't and don't really want to. But I do want to heal and allow my own self to be free of these chains of self-hatred.
I have gone over the relationship with Rodney and come to the conclusion that I was actually good at loving him. Now I need to be good at loving myself; which is a bit of an irony because I'd said to Rodney often enough that I felt like he was me ...