Well Blmoon, pretty big Friday
It isn't about you--only him giving you the opportunity to decide that. I am proud of you for resisting blowing up as you are the one who suffers after such outbursts--for him it falls on deaf ears. It takes energy to blowup and argue with deaf ears. Just let it be--is a very loving choice! Your sons do not need to see him hurt you any more and you deserve to be free of betrayal issues and his choices. I did see that holding him accountable would always be an issue and keeping him in compliance would be work. To dwell on all he is missing is to shortchange all you hold dear. Be grateful he is not dominating his sons--though neglect is sad at least you know they are safe with you. They are young men still--what if he tried sucking them into his chaotic inhealthy life? Some woman face THAT nightmare--not a missing dad but a BAD father who won't let go. Sons are most affected by their relationship with mother. A father can scar but a mother can truelly destroy a son. You are a safe haven for your sons and by being strong during the worst you are gifting them with a healthy respect for the right kind of woman. Stay strong Nancy! You are doing great. BLESSINGS!
I just got home from work and it said you had replied to my last post, but there is nothing there.
okay never mind after I posted that it appeared
Well its friday again and I thought I would write and tell you about my week. It started out great, I did what you said and looked in the mirror to see the stronger better me, I can't say beautiful yet, but getting there.
I felt great, strong, even happy and looking forward to the court date to get this all over so I can be free of him for good.
Then my sister called and said she was on vacation would I like to drive to Monteray, take Ej and go to the aqarium with them. That is one of my favorite places so of course I agreed and we took off in the morning.
I was having bad alleries and we stopped to get some medicine for my runny nose and itchy eyes. I don't usually take things like that, but asked the guy working in that department and he said take the alcaselzer plus fast acting, so I did. Felt great within 10 minutes and then fell asleep 3 times at the aqarium, once while in the bathroom.
I slept all the way home and went to bed when I got here, and woke up crying so hard I thought I would die.
I didn't realize at the time that I haven't been near the ocean since he left.
That was our place, where we fell in love, where we planned to retire, and now where he lives and works with her.
WE drove past the place we had our first date, the beach we always took the boys, the place he first told me he loved me, a bunch of hotels we stayed in, the town he lives in and the town he works in. I could even see his store from the freeway.
I held it all in and them just fell apart.
Now it seems all my strenght is gone and I am in a black hole. I feel ugly and alone and so sad.
I really want to be okay, but oucdh ouch ouch.
You have a right to grieve and you have a right to have these emotions. You can not hide from them only decide to pick your self up once you let it out. It does not mean you have failed or lost ground. I lost a child. I would will myself to be ok to be strong and it backfires. I have a doctor who I see every four months. In the beginning his advice? You have to find a balance between being strong and honoring loss. It is healthier to have your grieving days--get it out--stay in your pjs and cry cry cry. It passes and unclutters your body as sometimes holding in is not healthy. It's only a bad thing if it persisTs and isolates you and you withdraw and wallow for weeks. As for the alkaselter! OH MY! I took that once and same thing happened to me--it was like getting drunk and left me with a hangover. Stick to clartin or the generic--no sleepyness. I also keep a nose spray for extra back up. If it is a bad attack take a benedryl but with a strong cup of coffee or a sudafed or its generic. as it counteracts the sleepy thing. Life is up and down. You are very normal Nancy and you have many more good days then bad. Also, allergy attacks cause depression and irritability. I'm having one today! ARGHH!!! I changed a broken vaccuum bag at work yesterday---someone slap me!!!
WEll this week all the credit card statements came back to my lawyer and she sent them to me, I am even more amazed that before at the way he spends his money.
It seems they go to concerts and trips all the time. They seem to be living a very good life, and I find it hard to believe they aren't happy, I think they are.
I handles it all well and wrote notes to share with my lawyer, but 2 things hurt, yes only 2.
He crossed the line and took her to our place, Mt blu in lake tahoe where he and I went all the time and he took her to see cris issak whaich again was something he and I did all the time.
Those 2 things say to me he has no feelings left for me at all, it is all about her now.
I don't think he is just with her during all those get aways and you are using that imagined crystal ball that says he was happy. As if again YOU were not good enough. I don't have the energy to go there but his outings are nothing like the family image he had with you. She will always have you in her shadow--how do you think she felt about your favourite place? She hated that you had that and surely she just had to have it too but then like you all she did was imagine all those times she was just the other woman while you had him and he was not leaving you. Maybe they got drunk and fought all night. Choose the reality that favours you. She has bigger problems than loving a married man now. She does a lot to hang on and please--things you would never do. Thank God!!! Would you swing to keep him--have s ex with others? Do drugs and over the top kinky anything. Stop yourself, you know better already and do not need me to tell you that. OK yes you are entitled to be hurt as the special was real for you and you were happy--that was real--you felt it it was enjoyed. The rest of your guessing though is just plain self abusive. Those two are not enjoying at ALL what you want.