Five Subconscious Fears (that may be holding you back)
Thanks capitan! Good advice
Cancergirl, the problem you face is not actually failure itself, which can make us all stronger and more determined, but the fear itself that paralyzes us from action. We attach fear to things we do not need to have any intense feelings about - things like trying something new and not having it turn out exactly the way we expect, which some people would choose to call failure but is really just gaining experience of life.
Fear of failure is what restricts people to their comfort zone. It is what makes them avoid risks and play it safe as the years pass them by. We fear going for what we want in case we fail, but by giving in to our fears, we have already failed. Ask yourself: What one thing would you attempt to do if you knew you would be successful? This will help you recognize in what areas the unconscious fears of failure are holding you back. If you ask this over and over again, your entire view of what is possible will expand dramatically. You will see clearly what you really want to be, have and do, and simultaneously realize that it is only the fear and doubt in your own abilities that are holding you back.
The main reason for fear of failure is that most people do not understand the role of failure in achieving success. The correlation is simple: you cannot achieve success without failing. Failure is an essential part of becoming successful in anything. The key to solving fear of failure is to realize that there is no failure, only feedback. You always learn something and the lesson learned is always worth more than the price of getting it. See failure as temporary isolated incidents of life-instruction, and fail forward by quickly bouncing back from it with a new approach.
Also, realize that you are being very judgmental about yourself when you call yourself a failure. Other people are probably not being as harsh on you - they probably see you as successful (and themselves as failures, since we are often our own greatest critic). So it is just your own opinion and persepctive that you need to change.
It is not actually fear itself that is our problem, but how we react when faced with what we fear (or even just the thought of it). For some people the fear is motivating. For others it creates a state of complete paralysis. People who overcome fear view it from a position of power, and may use words such as “excited” and "a challenge" to describe the emotion rather than labeling it negatively.
A fascinating thing about fears is that if you face them courageously, they diminish. On the other hand, if you back away from them they grow until they have the power to hold you back from any progress. The key then to overcoming fears is to face them quickly and bravely, without giving yourself time to be afraid. When you discipline yourself to do the thing you fear, your fear of the situation gradually goes away. You just do what you fear again and again until it holds no more fear for you. You face the fear, confront the fear, and act despite the fear until you are no longer afraid.
So true! Thanks for posting these fears Captain, we all have them to some degree. I was just thinking of this thread and how I would never find it and here it is! Thank you for taking the time- for all of us in need of help.
Its a protective mask that I let down once I feel comfortable & begin the trust the other person. I want a relationship with a caring, compassionate & considerate man, each supporting the other when needed but neither of us needing to be rescued or taken care of.......sharing life together.
You're right...my experiences have shown me I can do it & I've learned I prefer to not go it alone. I also understand what you meant when you said no more baggage......My last BF hasn't dealt with his baggage which I didn't realize for a long time...in the end it it came between us. Next time I'll be more aware of the red flags & not get involved with a man who hasn't done his home work, or atleast begun to work on it. After all we all have a story
Yes, our history is what makes us who we are now; or at least what we've learned throughout that history.
I could judge my family as being the sort of people who quote "nothing to fear but fear itself" but don't do anything to validate their words. However, when I think about it, my mother went for her drivers' licence when she was in her forties and got it on the third attempt. She conquered a fear. When she became ill, she also became agrophobic. To cure herself, she drove around the block. Then drove a bit further. Until she could drive where she used to before she became ill. Even though things are very strained between my family and I, I still acknowledge the things they did to overcome fears in their world. Mum's story is one that sprang to mind.
I am afraid of long car trips if I'm the sole driver. But I do my worrying, pray to the Angels to keep me safe, get the in the car and go, though I haven't had to do one for a while! I think I may have to challenge myself soon and do exactly that coz conquered fears can return without using that "muscle" often enough, or so I believe.
So, I'm facing another fear yet again: Fear of being alone. I wonder if I brought this to myself, or am I simply meant to be so? A tough question that one day will have an answer.
I think the best relationship advice comes from another forum member, Astronelly. She said "I need to give (my partner) what I want from him."
So if you want to attract a loving, compassionate, sharing, and balanced partner, you have to be prepared to embody those qualities yourself first. Ask yourself if you feel that is what you project to others, instead of asking for what others can give to you.
This is a perspective that I hadn't thought of. I've been sitting thinking: Did I give enough to Rodney of what I wanted myself? I know I did in the early years of my marriage, until my heart began to close because of rough treatment by my husband and lack of sensitivity shown. I could feel myself opening up with Rodney and wanting to really care for someone else, but started to feel him pull away in recent months. He knew what I'd been through, as I understood his history. I always listened to and supported him, as he did me. And I smiled inside and out when he got home from work, or I walked in the door myself.
But the real question is: Did I show the amount of LOVE to him I wanted back? I asked Rodney if he felt I'd "dudded him" in any way. His answer was, no. Was he telling me the truth? I don't know now, and may never know. All I know is that I texted him earlier this week to say I was thinking of him and to have a good day. His response was lukewarm and I haven't heard from him since. He's moved on from me already I'd say.
Ah well ...
Argh!!! I accidentally clicked off before I was finished, silly fingers.
First of all, all of you have glimpses and insight to everything I am feeling or am going through and I can feel your urgency and the calmness of your ah-ha moments. Thank you all for sharing and coming in here this morning has been a comfort for me.
Captain- fear makes me freeze and makes me stop dead in my tracks and that is the most frusterating part of this whole ordeal. I am greatful I have a job and my health and my boys and mom are well. The freezing is what has gotten me into so many messes. In my marriage I had no say in anything, my opinions did not matter so it was easier for me to sit back and fester with resentment even though I knew the path he was leading us down was not good for us. Beating myself up was my way of coping sort of and always has been and I know it isn't healthy.
I think it was the combination of everything hitting at once and there seems to be alot of emotional turmoil for me coming from many places, alot of loss for and it is all I can do not to cry all day or have a panick attack, which has caused what little confidance I had or was starting to build up just kick out from underneath me.
I am saddled with all the financial things he walked away scott free!!! I just want to be out from the shadow he has cast on me, the doubt of my own strength and the fact that it's all on me. I want off the path he set for us that has made me so miserable for so long, just now is not the time to be uprooting and it is an internal struggle to let the house go or stay. I want something of my own that I can build for us as a family.
Sending warm thoughts to all!!! <<33 (it will get better, we all just need to hold on a little longer)
Believe me Moon, no one on this planet who has done or is doing wrong will get away scott-free in this time of Ascension. Old debts are going to be called in and long overdue payments will have to be made.
What exactly could you say my fears are Captain?
Fear of failure and being alone is a few of them.
That's a sobering thought Captain! Now I'm going back over my life and wondering what I did wrong ... and why it seems I'm getting "punishment" now. That karmic wheel never does stop turning I know I hurt my ex husband, and have felt that what I'm suffering with Rodney now is some sort of payback; like I'm experiencing what I inadvertently put him through. Gee, you sure cant' get away with anything can you? Even if you never intended to hurt anyone or do the wrong thing, and even if your intentions at the time were a search for your own truth ...
Asia, maybe fear of unworthiness or unlovability.
Oh yes Moon, even if we hurt others inadvertantly, we still have to pay for our ignorance. Unless we learn a hard lesson, we keep on repeating bad behaviour.
Hmm, then why is it that my ex husband seems to have gotten away with the pain and abuse he levelled at me? That doesn't seem fair ...
And I'm aware of how whingey the above sounds
The key word is 'seems' - after all, he has to live with himself, and you don't anymore. I'd say that makes you come out on top!
Yeah, true! Haha. My daughter and I were talking the other day and I said to her that our marriage was co-dependent and if she thought I was the dependent one, to think again. Her father was the dependent one, and I was the enabler. She nodded and said "hmm". She doesn't like to talk about our situation, so I don't push it. But it came up as we were talking about relationships, etc. She is worried that she won't ever want to be with someone. At 18, my response to her was that she has other things to do with her life, and that she needs to know that not every relationship is going to bring her pain (her first rel at 16 let her down greatly).
Ah dear ... we women have a tough job with these (largely) stupid men, don't we?
"Believe me Moon, no one on this planet who has done or is doing wrong will get away scott-free in this time of Ascension. Old debts are going to be called in and long overdue payments will have to be made."
Captain, lol I have to say I fear that! hahaha. I never do anything wrong intentionally to others and feel my karma is pretty much "instant karma", but the things that are done that you don't realize.......And debt from past lives? I am genually nervous about this.
Don't they say that we are often reincarnated and can carry things with us from other lifetimes. I too often wonder what in the world did I get myself into in my past lives to have gotten the stresses and some of the "whammy" brought back onto me. ( As I have often wished upon my ex,lol)
While there are truly malicious people in the world that we may have the unfortunate luck of crossing, I do not think we make an effort to hurt people on purpose. (Well most of us)
Am I wrong though to think we should think Karma is going to rage revenge if we are doing something to protect ourselves from harm emotionally especially, seems most of us here rely strongly on our intuition and mostly have the hardest time when we feel like we cannot express ourselves completely.
Moon50... I am 41 divorced 2 years after 20 years together, I used to think I wanted to be in a relationship but really, now I am sure I do not, someday maybe I would like to be a wife again as I have said before, I never felt like I got the chance to do it right, but if I do I am going to do it with the person who fills my heart and soul with unconditional love and acceptance.
I never thought I would be alone and got comfortable with the idea of my ex staying right where he was, good bad or indifferent while I struggled internally to understand why I always felt he never truly loved me but the monetary contribution to our lives. Just seems awful funny to me that after finally paying off the student loans ...poof ... he was gone.
As hard as this struggle is for me.... I need to do it. I am tired, I am scared to death and I am lonely and most days I do not want to get up. As I look back and keep reminding myself that I was always alone in the marriage, from the moment it dawned on me 8 years ago that I had to live for me and the kids or he was going to smother me. I hope for all of us we get the chance to be with the that person that can accept us as we are and can find a balance within ourselves to be able to accept that love when it finally comes to us.
I don't want to ask for help, but I am learning sometimes I have to. I do not trust easily which makes foraging new relationships difficult and can relate so very well to you.
Maybe for some of us the bad/negative karma is a wake up call to get us motivated to move forward?? I don't know.
Hope everyone has a wonderful safe and happy weekend.