For Astra - your thoughts please?
Nice to see you visiting the forums again. I don't know where my old thread is so I decided to start a new one. And maybe just as well as the old one is filled with memories of you know who.
Have you been busy? What have you been up to? Have missed you.
I can't believe it but I'm still grieiving. For awhile after I confessed some of my feelings to DG in May, I felt free...I felt freedom. And then the Universe decided recently that I'm not over this. That I haven't dealt with all I feel. So now there is anger and sadness..and, dare i say it, depression.
I wish I could leave all of this behind. He treats me like I don't exist. And I am starting to ignore him as well. I told him in May I was ok with him. Cos I thought I was. But I am not. And now I don't know how to act around him. I want to completely forgive him but I don't know how. There wouldn't be any of this anger or hurt - if I didn't still care for him and love him. Sigh, why can't I just forget all of this already? If he can do it, why can't I?
There's been no 'action' in terms of new prospects. People looking my way maybe, but that's about it. Just wondering where do I go from here. It's almost as if I need to find a new great guy in order to get over DG for good. Work woes abound too. While I know I must acknowledge whatever I feel, I'm scared these bad feelings will change me into someone I don't want to be. I'm squishy and I love fun even though I'm quiet. These days I feel sad and I cry a lot, or I am just numb or angry inside. And I'm becoming a recluse, it's painful being around people knowing that I'm holding in so much pain. Just need your insight Astra - where do I go from here?
Nice to hear from you! I have thought about you and wondered how things were going and all... was going to try to find the old thread, so I am glad u started a new one. I am headed out the door right now, I will circle back with you a little later today and we'll see what is going on... Just wanted to reply to you to keep the thread up there for now.
Okay, I have some quiet moments here, reading over your words... as for me, I seem to be in a similar boat as you, where do I go from here could be my theme song too lately...
Well, let's see about you... I selected the Queen of Swords for you, and just wanted to lay out some cards (5) to sort of see if that will spark some insight.
Center card, that is the Wheel so right in the middle of your life, your heart right now is turning energies, life may feel a little topsy turvy... disoriented is the word I get. I feel that often... like you just want to know, why... did "that" have to go that way?... the Wheel also means (to me) that much of what you are working through right now are experiences, events, people, situations that you really can't change a whole lot about. Major arcana energies are sort of like determined, destined events that must happen in our lives is my understanding. Best to simply try to relax and sink into it, without struggling too much. The GOOD NEWS is that something very positive is being developed for you, in your path, work, and love (the wheel covers all of that).
In your recent past, there is the 3 of pentacles, and that is work related. So work has been a top of mind concern for you... I was at the dentist's earlier today and was looking at the cards about you while waiting, and I saw a Knight Pentacles and I thought, "she has work concerns she is really dealing with right now". There were a couple of other cards I may circle back on those...
Near future - more good news - 6 of WANDS - so there is some definite path adjustments, developments, changes, dialogue, doors, something fun and nice for you is what I get - SUCCESS! Something out of the blue... out of left field. SO you have some very positive PATH - STORY OF YOUR LIFE - timeline developments taking you to a much smoother and softer place in your life, probably very much helping you in that material - physical area.
Below you, the Two of Swords, and that reflects that reclusive, sort of closed off feeling you are having... I saw the 8 of swords at the dentists, and thought you might be feeling shut in, swords stuck around you. Our mind, we do battle with. THe mind wants to reach conclusions as soon as possible! THe only thing is the only thing the mind can work with is what it sees... so circumstances weigh heavily on us in the swords. The swords don't really see the higher perspective, they are helpless really. So a lot of time in the swords you see the sense of pain, and alone, tears. The REALITY is that ALL IS WELL... at the time it sure doesn't seem that way. If we could peer into the higher Wand realm and see the story of our life and loves, we would see how needed the experiences all are... so you are working with some swords energy right now. That will work good things even though sometime those blades feel sharp! They are cutting away the parts of us we no longer need. Where you are going, there won't be swords any more Danceur... only love, butterflies, deep, true, gentle love... I know that is coming your way soon.
Above you, the 8 of Cups, that is kinda where your thoughts drift off too a lot perhaps, Love and moving away/moving towards questions... very deep, probing, sifting emotional rigor... you are not afraid of the truth and willing to take whatever road is needed to take you higher.
Another card I saw earlier was the ACE of WANDS and that I believe ties back to the 6 of Wands. Something is developing for you, I can tell... a new YOU. some new direction in your work coupled with a breakthrough in your love life, emotional stability and courage like a lion.
I'll draw some more cards to sorta see about the future, and lets see what turns up. I would place most of the emphasis on the cards that we just looked at as those are the energies closest to you, what is really going on right now.
Four cards up the side... I guess this is a celtic cross... good news already, only 1 sword card out of all of them that we already talked about. The 2 under you. Not one sword anywhere in your future. So you ARE WORKING out of the sword tears and all that... you are CLEARING that stuff, something is getting ready to break for you and it will be nice!
Future environment is the 9 of pentacles, so that is a very solid place, very secure, happy and very prosperous, abundantly satisfied. So that must be a work arrangement changing for the better and financially.. and other nice physical things...
10 of Cups, this is how others see your life...
"wow.... did you hear about Danceur?"
"No, what happened?"
"Cupid paid her a visit - AND some job thing really sweet..."
"No way... what?
"Yeah man... I heard it from Betty sue... Danceur must have done something right... looks really nice, like they are... you know..."
"What? Really? I thought she was still pining over that dancer guy dude."
"Not any more man... she's on top of the world... something happened...just last week... it was like all of a sudden!"
"No way.... really?"
"Yeah really man, she was like minding her own business, and you know how she is kinda off in her own world... well all of a sudden this guy calls on her and turns out he is someone she used to, you know..."
"What? Dancuer? Really? WHat else man?"
"Her job dude. She got some kind of super sweet deal from this place that she had been checking out... she wrote it off cuz they hadn't contacted her... well right after she gets this thing going with this dude, she gets a call... you know... from this work gig and is super sweet man!"
"You serious? You're serious... Danceur... man.... she sure deserves it man..."
"Oh yeah dude, she dances her heart out... this has been coming around for a while I'll bet... while she was waiting. ANd you know... sort of cut off... from others..."
"Oh man... I bet she's happy... I know I'd be..."
"Oh dude you should see her, she is flyin' high baby... I think the pieces fell in place or something, all of a sudden or something... hey I gotta go man... "
"Hey man... who is the dude... you know... the guy she hooked up with? Anybody we know?"
"Oh you know him... that cool cat..."
Yeah, you got something nice coming your way Danceur. Let's see... hopes above that ten of cups niceness... 5 of wands. Should I or should I? You should.
Above that... Final outcome, Temperance. Mixing, blending, pouring back and forth. This is the "theme" of what you are stepping into. A lovely, flowing, blended, nice life where things are working without you having to figure it out... or wonder "why? Or what? Or how come I... and then he?... and why did this... " None of that
ALL of the pieces falling into place... something very very very very very very very very very nice with your name on it ... to Danceur... with Love, the Universe
I hope I didn't get too crazy there with your reading :)... all I can tell you is that your tears are going to change... that rain, going away.. I see much nicer weather coming your way....
I know that is hard being around DG with that past, you are doing well I can tell... keep your head held high, I can't speak for DG... heaven sees you as a QUEEN.
Love and light
I’m sorry this reply is so late. I hope you are still here.
Thank you so much for your reply. It made me smile. You always do – thank you
“only love, butterflies, deep, true, gentle love” – yes I truly want that. Don’t we all!
It’s just been difficult wandering, waiting and then waiting some more. Disoriented is definitely the word. I feel better than the time I last wrote to you. But my moods have just been up and down. I think I’ve been reclusive for quite a long time, it’s just that I sink in deeper when I feel down…
I just feel tired and very restless, when it seems like everything is in limbo. And I feel very unappreciated – at work, by DG. Although my feelings are not intense anymore, it’s just hard to be in the same environment as him. I really don’t know how to talk to him anymore. Cos on the one hand I don’t want to hold on to negative energy or cause a greater rift between us. On the other hand, he’s really hurt me by being this way and I’m only now trying to come to terms with that (that is, he’s been a jerk to me). If I were to continue to behave like nothing is wrong, am I being unjust to myself? Then again, I just want to let go of all of this and just move on. No more silent tears over an injustice, a perceived injustice.
What does he think of me? Probably not a whole lot. It doesn’t seem to bother him – the way he’s treated me. I’m partially to blame for that – because in my quest to not hold onto negative energy or cause trouble – I didn’t confront him or hold him accountable for how our friendship has disintegrated. So I guess there is a sense of indignation. I had hoped he would do the right thing – but he hasn’t.
No matter what I felt or feel for him, it’s futile, Astra. I don’t fall in love easily. But sadly, I loved him in vain. Even in terms of friendship, he’s really let me down. I just want to take my blue-white diamond of love and go away.
Today is a blue moon, a wonderful magical day *they don't happen that often. I went to a wishing well pond near where I live and made wishes for you and many others here on the forum to experience the real love and lovely life you deserve. Your every dream... come true. I am expecting nice developments for you.
I read over your letter and will take a little time before responding to anything. I can relate to what you are experiencing. I just wanted to let you know I was wishing for you.
I am pretty sure you'll be hearing from DG soon.
I was just poking around with a spread and thinking about your situation.
The short of it is, I think now every time he sees you, you are the Queen of Swords to him, like some judgment with that sword she has. And that could be bringing some sense of conviction or guilt, like he knows he should reach out to you and talk it all out. He may have had a religious upbringing and has something in his past that says it was sinful to do what he did.
Your instructor/ex guy may be dealing with guilt. And so he is not wanting to talk about 'it' because that could be triggering the guilt, and that puts him back in prison immobilizing him (Hanged Man over King Wands). His struggle could be with God in a way.
So, after you became the Queen of Swords there was a renewed focus on the material aspects of life (Judgment over 4 pentacles). So back to dance class we go... over... And yet there was/is still a hope in you that something could change (Sun over 2 of wands).
Then... that finally opens out to a 5 of Pentacles so something changes materilly.. not sure what... something in the material has to give... that then opens communication between you and him. And that could ultimately wind back around to the beginning for you two. (Knight of Swords and 8 of cups). The Hierophant is over that Knight Swords, so you can feel the religious background (some of this is 'right this is wrong' mentality).
Should he become aware of the fact that you are okay with se x outside of marriage, you might see a new man emerge from this situation.
So that is what is at the heart of the matter. As long as your heart and thoughts are clear on that, that should then communicate out somehow, and begin to make little adjustments in your experience.
Then he starts to respond.
It's all good consciousness raising exercises anyway, no matter who the guy is. You'll still want to have that same conversation with yourself so there is clarity and focused intent for relationship. Once you're very clear and focused in yourself, then you are established and he then has a solid reference point to work with.
Blessings to you... hope that provides something...
This is a very interesting reading - this is a really different angle you're looking at.
I just want to say upfront thank you for doing the reading. I hope you don't take any offence to my reply. There are parts that may sound terse, and that is not my intention - I'm just frustrated.
Can I clarify – do you mean that you think he has a problem with sex outside of marriage and he needs assurance that he is not doing anything wrong?
Or do you mean that he’s ok with it, but thinks I have a problem with it?
It’s strange. Because he is the one who led us there. He is all for physical intimacy and everything. So I can't imagine that he thinks it is wrong in a religious sense. Still, he did say he hadn't been with anyone in years (same with me). And I am not sure if he was honest about that.
I do agree that it is important to be clear on what I accept in a relationship - in terms of physical intimacy. I did have a freak out with DG when 'that' happened last year. But it's not because I don't approve of sex outside marriage. It's because I wasn't expecting/ready to go there with him yet, and I did feel pressured by the circumstances. I knew it would change everything. And it has. But once I said yes, I was there with him 100%. He would have had no reason to think otherwise.
I did have a crisis of faith in my last relationship a few years ago, about sex before marriage, but I came out of that realizing that I am ok with it. And that physical intimacy is important to me in a committed relationship. It’s just that my partner didn't treat me right and sex was emotionally hurtful for me. DG will probably never know this, but it was a huge leap for me to be intimate with him. I had to trust - that I could be safe with him, physically, emotionally. That he wouldn't hurt me.
Of course DG has gone and done just the opposite and really hurt me. Physical intimacy is still important to me in a relationship. It's just that I also need to know my partner is reliable and he's going to be there. I don't sleep around, that's not what I want. I want to find someone who is open to the idea of a committed friendship/relationship/companionship - and take my time to get there with him....start as friends, take it slow.
I don't think that is what DG wants at all. I'm being led to the conclusion that committed is not what he wants with me, maybe only 'friends with benefits'. And I don't want that. Actually Astra, why should things hinge on him knowing where I stand? Because this whole thing... it's about so much more. We had a good thing, and he threw it away - without an explanation, hiding behind silence. If he felt we weren't on the same page, he never said anything. We never even talked about what we wanted out of this 'relationship'. So this circles back to me feeling that I wasn't ready to sleep with him. So my mistake was giving in. Although I don't really regret it.
And my other mistakes - suffering in silence, not speaking up for myself, acting like I was still ok with him (when I wasn't) and then trying to reach out to him way too late – sigh
I just don't know why he played it like he wanted something serious with me if he didn't. Why would he do it - knowing that we would have to face each other constantly now?
You know, I wouldn't know how to talk to him - if he wanted to talk. I guess everyone deserves their opportunity to speak - and i've been giving him that for almost a year. Until, I almost don't want to hear from him anymore. God help me – that if he were to approach, I would never say anything to hurt him the way he’s hurt me.
In a way, it's more comforting to accept that the friendship is over (letting go). I don't think I would appreciate him dredging up everything one day - when his conscience kicks in. Because there would be tears all over again, when I don't want to cry anymore. He never saw my pain, my tears - why start now?
Astra I just don’t understand. A year ago, it is all I wanted – to be with him. You know this. I’ve turned to you so much and you have kindly comforted me. And I still do love him, although the feelings have faded. Now, especially as you’re suggesting I might hear from him, I feel a bit alarmed – it's a feeling of wanting to shut him out. Maybe it’s self-preservation.
I’m afraid to have hope anymore. Hope is killing me. After so much disappointment and so many telling me he was going to reach out and at least talk things out with me – and he didn’t – I don’t think I can take anymore. Slowly trying to let go has been painful but it is setting me free too. It is the only way I’ve been able to still go on.
I just want to be free. I want to love and be loved. By someone who is ready to be with me. This is DG’s gift to me – somehow my heart opened when I was with him… the happiness and the pain have strengthened my desire to find love, to be happy. I want to believe in fairytales, in happy endings, same as you.. but I haven't had any luck I guess.
When you say back at the beginning – isn’t that where we’re at now? Back at the beginning, when we were strangers… and could this Knight of Swords just be someone else in my life who is returning?
Wow that came out as a waterfall Please do let me know what you think. And Astra, thanks again
Hahaha... so many ****. I didn't realise it was going to get bleeped out
You still around?
I think maybe you picked up on a colleague of mine who has returned after a more than a month. B is still AWOL, hasn't tried to contact me or anything. And I doubt he will. Oh, and I figured out an alternative interpretation to the Hierophant - I think it is the organization/the club (his employer) weighing down on him. It is the reason why we had to keep our relationship so discreet in the first place.
I've actually developed a little crush on 2 guys. And I'm wondering what they think of me - both are acquaintances, one is an instructor (again) who has been rather attentive and helpful. The other... reminds me of B but is more friendly. Both... are probably spoken for. So even though I'm happy I can fantasize about other people, I still think of B too.
Reading my post again, I realise that though I've come along in letting things be and I feel ok mostly, deep down I'm just sad. That someone I cared so deeply about is now the most distant stranger. And that it's easier for me, for him, to just pretend as if nothing happened.
I wish I had a wishing well pond near where I lived too. Wish I could be whisked away to where the fairies are. Where there is laughter and happiness, love and kindness, dance and music. Not sure if I shared this picture with you before. Just love looking at it.
Wow that is the coolest photo! You are so right it is beautiful, I love all of that misty forest stuff (I did a little painting of the woods very similar to this sort of setting earlier today). I think I try to live in 2 different dimensions too much, between the cool logical world and the faiery land. Like having one foot in each, can get tense a little at times. I am like you, wish me away to some never never land and I would be ready to sign up... that place of dreams and misty places, so vague at times... and yet harboring some deep love that is beyond compare.
So often I think that we sorta dream each other up in a way. LIke, you meet someone and you cast them into a role of love that you cherish deep down. Then time tells whether the other person likes that role. So many mysterious things go on in love. We are all like little children playing at love.
I will draw some cards for you, I just wanted to reply to say thanks for the lovely picture. Have to run out and pick my son up from school.
You painted something similar? Do share I really do love these mystical pictures - magic, fairies, mist, forest... it seems so perfect, there is no time, and you're just in the moment.
Maybe that's why we like this stuff. Because it's so different from reality.
Hope I didn't confuse you. I use DG and B interchangeably. He's still as distant. Yesterday I had to talk to him in class. He forgot some steps while teaching a routine, and I pointed it out so he asked me to show. It was really brief but so very awkward. Cos I'm not ok - I'd rather say nothing at all to him - but you gotta set aside this stuff in class.
Maybe I dreamed them up - these 2 guys - because at this point, I'm just desperate to escape that I still love DG. It kills me that though the feelings have faded, they're still there. These guys are just providing a distraction... N in particular.. the instructor... kind and really helpful, takes care of me in class... it's really nice cos it's been so long since anyone noticed me, as pathetic as that sounds. And he's probably just being nice because I'm a regular in the class, and he knows I've a problem with injuries... It's funny that when you feel self-sufficient and that you don't need anyone - in the quieter moments, you realize how alone you really feel. And there is deep longing for love and companionship.
Well, its only similar in that it shows some trees sort of :)... sort of dark though, shadowy like yours... I like that about yours, that mysterious quality is nice... forests are wonderful places.
You say ", I'm just desperate to escape that I still love DG" ... I don't think you need to escape love do you? Why can't you keep loving him? In secret you know? I think that is kinda the path. I know it is awkward with the class and all that (the physical part)... probably a lot of inner growth in those kinds of situations.
If you still have feelings for him then there is something. I would fan them and not wish it to fade. THats just me though, everyone has to figure that out for themselves I guess. You can be okay with him AND stay open to something new too? Then you are building on a good foundation I think. Love that doesn't end just because no one is talking. I could be off my rocker though, so you follow your own heart and guidance. I think it is actually very mystical in a Christ kind of way I think...(not to get religious on you). Or I could just be out in outer space somewhere hahaha.....
Wow I feel privileged to see your paintings How long does it take you to paint something like this? I wish I could paint too... and paint the places that I long to be whisked away to.
Yes you are right – love doesn’t stop just because there is no talking. That’s why I still do love him.
I just don’t know how to love him and yet keep the door open for someone new. If I were holding onto a love that has transcended into something more universal – maybe then yes I could keep that and still look towards a new love. But the problem is it’s romantic love I feel and it’s the way things ended. There was no closure, no apology, no explanation. Just silence.
I was the only one who tried to reconnect…several times. The response was either lukewarm or just more silence. When I finally texted him in May, and alluded to my feelings for him, his replies sounded somewhat like regret…for falling for me, and that friendship was all he could offer. He has done nothing in almost a year that sounds like friendship. He turned his back on everything we had, including our friendship.
And yes, it is terribly difficult. The physical part is difficult to get past. I remember it, and I remember him.
I realize that to act as if I’m ok with him (even though it honestly feels that way sometimes) isn’t entirely accurate. Because thus far, I’ve only been compartmentalizing. I got a rude shock when I thought I was finally ready to start moving on in May, and then these new negative feelings started. I never dealt with the underlying feelings of betrayal and disappointment – and I am doing that now, in dribs and drabs...
I surmised that the only way I can survive this is to learn to slowly let go – even of his friendship, the love, of what he has meant to me. Maybe to the point of us really being strangers again. Though that’s kinda what we are now, anyway.
I do not interact with him. Not even a hi or bye. Where once I would smile if I saw him, now I struggle to say even one word if we happen to be alone in the same space. I was almost tongue-tied when I had to explain the missing steps to him in front of the class yesterday.
I just do a lot of staring at the floor too..and looking right through him in class. I hate what is happening, but I don’t know how else to cope. It’s like a self-imposed exile – since I have no way to escape seeing him.
Maybe it’s self-protection. I care about him, but I almost don’t want him to know that anymore. I don’t want to be THAT GIRL, you know? The one who can’t let go. And more than that, it sure seems that this whole episode is about learning to let go. To fan the feelings would run opposite to the lesson and just keep me in this place of hoping and wishing. And that would only hurt me. Cos when I even allow myself to care about him, it starts to hurt again. Because then I remember that the love…it’s still there. I’m tearing up as I write this.
And right now, maybe I’m projecting what I feel onto others, like N… just to cope with feelings that have no place to go. He seems like a nice and decent guy and I'm definitely indulging in thoughts that have no basis,but... in the end, I know I'm still alone. Maybe more than ever.
You are a real romantic, and more evolved than I am. I’m just a dreamer and I'm only human. I do not have the strength to love him this way and look forward to someone else.
I just realized that one of the things that's maybe preventing me from taking the next step towards forgiveness is that I still feel hurt that he doesn't know how much he's hurt me... even though I really try not to ruminate on such things nowadays. Is it really so difficult for him to see that he's hurt me and to apologize for it, even though I admit I've hidden the hurt feelings from him? No angry or tearful confrontations, nothing of the sort from me.
What do you think? What do I do?
One day, it will not matter to me - whether he has apologized, whether he realizes what he did... at that point, I'll know that I've truly moved on.
Hey there Danceur
Some random thoughts here...
"I just realized that one of the things that's maybe preventing me from taking the next step towards forgiveness is that I still feel hurt that he doesn't know how much he's hurt me... Is it really so difficult for him to see that he's hurt me and to apologize for it... No angry or tearful confrontations, nothing of the sort from me."
I agree, that would be the right thing for him to do, reach out to you, apologize and COMMUNICATE so that you two can at least be comfortable around each other. Like I touched on before he could be dealing with some guilt and can't get past that to reach out to you.. so it stays stuck. He may be out of his element, and not possess the skills to trust you and talk to you.
I still think all is working out on some level with you and him... I am not trying to give you "hope" here that he is going to come knocking on your door tomorrow... all I am saying is that I think life works situations out at a certain pace and purpose and we just kinda have to dig in and wait it out in love. So I keep coming back to trying to encourage you to always see him in positive light... even though I don't think what he did is exactly right, running away from you like that... I still think your path is one of forgiveness and embracing a "higher" view of him. I will admit, if I were DG's friend I would be beating him over the head to reach out to you, Sheesh I don't know what it is with people these days... mostly the guys I guess. I can look back on my life and I can see situations where I behaved the exact same was as DG though, because I simply wasn't prepared to communicate, I wouldn't know what to say... tongue tied, nervous... you name it.
I don't want to lump all creative people in the same box, however being in the arts as you two are, and I am, tends to put us on a creative personal path while also trying to negotiate relationships... can be tricky... because sometimes our creative work feeds off of drama and emotions and we may be self-engineering these awkward situations sub-consciously... who knows..... I am curious, in your dancing, do you think you have improved in your craft since you and DG were close? And then the rift? What has been going on with your personal dance development over this period of time? That would be of interest to me.
How about your other areas of life? Your career? How is that going? I am looking for passion with you... with a passionate interest in your life you could be greatly inspired and your self-confidence will overshadow all of the DG weird stuff there. I know a nice relationship is a passionate interest for you, right now I am talking more about creative path dreams...
Think about it, lets say you have some personal project or something, could be fun, artistic or include dance, something that really captures your heart and imagination... then your head is more full of that fun stuff when you see him... and you are stronger than the "past" in that situation. I am just talking out loud... I am looking for the same thing, trying everything under the sun to find my PASSION again! I am still working on that...
I did a reading for you last night, I was thinking about your situation... I hope that is okay? For me to do a reading for you without you asking? I was just pondering your path and drew a series of cards that all seemed to point to you still working through a lot of this situation intellectually... like you are really wanting to understand WHY it went that way, why did he run away, etc.. that is swords...
So I got that real strong, however abruptly! LIke out of nowhere, something races off in your life, or takes off (8 wands) and that seems to set in motion
Oh, I know what I wanted to say... you are really embracing a high love ideal I think is also what is happening with you too... did we talk about this before? Where you harbor a love concept or belief or sense of how love should be... then, we may overlay people that we meet with that ideal, or role. So it can happen that because people like you are very, very insightful about love, and have a kind of sixth sense about how it should be... that when you meet someone who is nice, the transaction may also involve us "overlaying" our higher love ideal on that person. So then, we no longer really see the person on the reality of how they act, but we are also seeing them as a "dream" love too! So then, fantasy can get involved, and then... when they DON'T respond like we thought they should (after all they are dreamy!) then that puts us in a tailspin as our "construct" of love that we attached to that person is challenged.
Does that make some sense to you? Do you see how that can happen? I know I have done that in the past with my relationships. Because somehow... when I was really young, like in the first/second grade I fell in love with a girl and I knew what love was like immediately. So she kinda "taught" me even as a kid about love. Then... I go through my life with this "inner vision" of higher love, like angel love or something.. and then I could be attaching that "high love concept" to women I meet, and then they can never match my ideal... that could be what has been happening to me and could explain why my own relationships with women have been so rocky...
You and me could be a lot alike in that way. Did you have like, some childhood sweetheart that you always remembered? Curious about any love-relationship experiences from your past when you were young, puppy love, that sort of thing?
So, DG could be a clueless, emotionally immature, sort of aimless guy who reacted the way a lot of guys do... its very physical and then after that, well who knows... commitment? Trust? what do those words mean? Then you bring your aspirational love knowledge to him, attach it to him, and then HE becomes YOUR DIVINE LOVER... that is the idea... well, he may also sense that and say to himself, "holy cow, there is no freakin way I can ever match her divine love concept, so I won't bother getting into a steady relationship with her". That could be taking place under the surface with him.
When you show me pictures like you did... of that beautiful mystery forest and there are angels and fairies and divine love sprinkled everywhere like pixie dust... then I say to myself, "Danceur is a hopeless romantic... bless her heart!".. so it could be that you really do live in that realm, and love for you is this wonderful and amazing experience of knowing another, and getting close, and closer... and it is all shrouded in these lovely mists that make everything nice! OF course, the reality of life though, is that things are seldom perfect and nice like that... that is really a higher dimension that is perfect like that. Earth is filled with just normal people trying to figure it out as we go... making plenty of mistakes, klutzes... scared at times... unsure of ourselves... saying dumb things... crying and laughing too... " Its a real mixed bag.
So in your case (probably me too) understanding how mystical we see love could be important. And to then find companionship who shares that ideal also. Then you really have something!
So my thoughts are... open out how you really see love and relationship working.
Here is a little exercise for you to do!
Write out a dialogue between you and DG the way you would have LIKED for it to have gone "afterwards".
(You met up the day after things were intimate. He txts you and invites you to meet for coffee or something, so you two are in Starbucks let's say... and it is the next day."
DG: So, how are you today?
Me: I feel good... last night was really wonderful!
DG: Wow... yeah... hey Danceur can I be straight with you?
Me: Sure... what?
DG: Well, I think we may have gone a little overboard last night, you know?
Me: Yeah...I've been thinking the same.
DG: Well, it was nice though!
Me: OMG... yes... wow... I agree though. Maybe we were a little early in going there?
DG: Yes. I think so. I am so sorry, you looked so beautiful... what can I say... I got swept up and -
Me: Yep. Me too.
DG: So.. what should we do? I don't want to let this interfere with our friendship or cause things to be awkward at the school. You know?
Me: Well, let's just table that experience okay? Not go there and we can let things develop as they need to.
DG: Yeah.... why don't we go back to what we were... okay? for now anyway... and take it slower from now on?
Me: That sounds good... I think to much of you to risk losing you as a friend...
DG: Me too... okay...
(Then maybe a nice hug or something)
You get the idea... I would write your own version. Then, you are sorta "changing the past" by magic. Write it out and re-read it several times every day... then when you see DG remember the nice meeting you had the next day and how nice he was... and how you both agreed to stay friends and let nature work it out.
Can you see where I am going with this? It is sorta like "re-programming" your sub-conscious... if you could do this and take it to heart, then your reactions to him at class will be much better. You will be yourself, smiling and happy you won't feel awkward. Then... that will put HIM at ease... and you may even see a miracle who knows...
I like writing dialogue, it is therapeutic I think.... I would try that Danceur! What do you think?
Your vision of love is too beautiful to ever let anything hurt that.... you hang in there and know that everything will work out amazingly well for you in your love life and work and everything.... !:)
Hope I didn't overwhelm with all of that... sheesh I can write a lot haha..... bottom line is the DIVINE IS WORKING LIFE OUT for you and as long as your heart is in the right place, which yours is, you can trust that all is being taken care of.
love and blessings,
P.S. Here is a little painting I did a few months ago of water fairies by a tree! Since we are talking about heavenly love...
You asked how long they take they are quick studies, the little landscape from yesterday was maybe 20 or 30 minutes.
Oh I got off track and didn't finish this one paragraph...
"So I got that real strong, however abruptly! LIke out of nowhere, something races off in your life, or takes off (8 wands) and that seems to set in motion a series of really nice sharing (6 pentacles) and new love (Ace Cups) and then more nice cups and a possible movement physically (Page pent/2 pent)... and it all ends on the 4 of wands, so I got really great vibes on your path, its just that right now you are working through a lot of Cup-Sword energy... that is all changing soon.
That is a lovely painting! Thanks for sharing. Honestly if I had money, I’d want to buy a few of your paintings. Can’t believe you can create something so beautiful in that time. I love this kind of imagery. It’s a good feeling I get when I look at them.
Thank you for doing a reading – it is ok with me that you did. And if you do so at random. For I have a lot of questions than answers.
I completely get what you mean about angst and creativity. I am still dancing – it is the one thing that still makes me happy, though I’ve been struggling a lot this year, with emotional upheavals. There’s been times when I’ve been unhappy being in class and hated being there. But for the most part, it is saving my soul I think.
You asked me if I had had an encounter when I was young – maybe puppy love – that led to me having this ideal of love. I can’t recall. I think it’s actually the hurts of the last relationship (before DG) that humbled me, and made me kinder and gentler. For some reason, it made me see love from a place of innocence. Or maybe naivety or delusion? Maybe I need to feel that there is some beauty in life – else I’d feel utterly worthless. I have to believe that if I feel such feelings, then such love must exist and that I can’t be the only one who feels this way. I think you could be right. Maybe I just projected this ideal onto DG when he might not be the best match for me, or the kind of man that I thought him to be. Maybe deep down, he wants this same innocent playful sweet love and that’s why he felt a connection to me too. Maybe it's what we all want....
To a certain extent, you and I are on the same wavelength about the way we view love. That’s why I feel greatly comforted talking to you. Although I am a lot more jaded I guess.
In answer to your question, I’ve improved a lot in dance – since DG and I were close and much more since the rift. Initially it was because it was the only source of joy I had left. Then I felt frustrated at being stuck in DG’s class and it’s almost like I felt I had to prove something to him. When I lost him, I also lost a friend with whom I could talk about dance. I saw him as a mentor and he was the one who encouraged me to teach.
Now I’ve begun to see dance as something I have to do for myself – even if it stays only as a hobby. And that’s giving me motivation to want to improve. Some creative fire beneath my feet. This year is all about nurturing my creative impulses. There’s also the hope that I’ll be able to leave the ‘nest’ (DG’s class) one day – although I do still enjoy it as he’s a great teacher.
So I joined an additional class outside of our gym. I’m learning a lot more and improving and have also met new people who have a shared passion for dance.. So I’m really not moping about everyday thinking about DG – in case that’s how it came across...lol.. My work keeps me busy (and very frustrated), I’m keeping to my workout schedule and I’m doing the best I can with dance (but not overdoing it). I reckon that it’s because of the negative emotions (work and DG frustrations, lack of sleep and an improper diet) that my body is also reverting into becoming very injury prone – even though I’ve become a lot stronger from taking pilates (strength conditioning).
I do a lot of self-dialogue, but I’ve never written it down. I see what you mean, but I’m wary of the idea of re-programming because I think I’m at a juncture where I need to be honest with myself about what happened and how I feel about it. I need to be able to accept what he did and how he hurt me, in order to let it go eventually and to forgive him. I do agree that if I reprogram and am able to put on a happy face again, it may work to put him at ease. For about 7 months since last November, I depersonalized DG’s actions and tried to act from a place of love. I was normal and friendly towards him, as if nothing had happened. And I do remember that he reacted positively at times.
But then, I was only compartmentalizing. It kept me in a place of denial. It’s as if I blocked out all the hurt. But it was also preparing me for the stage I am at now, where for the last few months, I’ve been working through all the negative feelings that I wasn’t strong enough to face earlier. I think I’m in some sort of depression because of it. But I think it has to be this way, Astra. I am not ready to be this new person who has moved past the hurt feelings and is ok with DG. And I cannot ‘fake’ or reprogram my way there either. I have to become that person for real by feeling the feelings as they are right now. Even if that means I have a harder time in class and in life, for an indefinite period of time.
Even if it means complete detachment - letting go of everything associated with the hurt (and love), including DG. Not be friends, not trying to maintain some link, no hope of becoming friends again, just nothing at all, aside from going to class. Cold turkey, just about. Not only not reaching out (where I’ve been for most of this year) but maybe going off in a different direction emotionally.
Before, with that previous ex, I was constantly reprogramming. Our relationship was so difficult and abusive. He had a mental illness and I read the books, depersonalized his actions, saw a therapist, focused on the love and on loving him, in spite of the hurtful things. It almost killed me, because I was trying to love unconditionally (attempting to be Christ-like while being utterly human) while fighting a losing battle - he was not trying to help himself (refused to take meds etc). It took the better part of a year to let go and heal, but then I moved completely past him and outgrew wanting him in my life. I recognized the negativity in that alliance, and I’m now unable to let him re-enter my life as a friend. And I’m completely at peace with this.
Given that it was a very traumatic relationship, I do hold some apprehension about whether I will be able to flourish in a new committed relationship. But this same experience is really why I have such an idealized view of love – a caring, sweet, kind, tender love. And I'm hopeful that I might just do ok the next time around.
I would like to think that if DG and I still have something worth cherishing – that even if I manage to detach and walk the other way - we will still find our way back together in the future, whatever the nature of the relationship. But i have to take the chance that it all ends here permanently too. Like it happened with the ex.
Even though I believe with all my heart that my love for DG is a beautiful thing, it may be that right now, this love and my association to him is not helping me, because they are intertwined with the hurt I feel, the betrayal from someone whom I love and trusted. And I need to allow myself to heal from this and trust that it will work out the way it’s supposed to.
This is the clearest thing I can offer as at this point Astra - knowing that tomorrow I could sing a different tune and start clinging onto memories of him again. This cycling back and forth is so very tiring and emotional draining. I think if I don’t do this for myself, I may block the real love and forgiveness that I’m trying to find. Forgiveness towards him, and forgiveness for me – for having to stop fighting for the friendship, even though I greatly cherish it and DG. And above all, it is my hope that this sacrifice will help me retain this higher ideal of love – no matter how unrealistic and in the stars it may seem at times.
Gee I can write a lot too! Sorry for that. Do hope you can share your thoughts.
Hey thanks for the feedback on the paintings, they are fun when I am doing them... I am just putting everything on ebay now and getting whatever, fine with me, better than nothing.
You are right about not being able to easily or short cut the healing process, re-programming, or adopting a different attitude toward someone as way of coping with some pain. Yes, that is not just a snap your fingers and anything changes quickly. Whatever this road is, into something nice in love... and then, unceremoniously deposited right back out of it... is a road that each of us have to figure out on our own. I try to share my views...
I do think this is a higher love experience of some sort. Something happens in the midst of the pain. And it grows there... in secret.
You ever seen the movie "Alien" Danceur? Where that alien thing deposits some sort of hideous alien "thing" inside Kane, (John Hurt)? And then one day his chest explodes and this god-awful alien creature ejects out of him, and escapes.
I think love is a lot like that.
You meet a guy, a girl... and you fall in love, or think you do anyway. And they, do something to you. Implants a higher love energy or something. Something secret you share. Then the relationship, goes kaput and you are left wondering... wtf... just happened? I felt this... and then I end up here? Don't get it...
Meanwhile. Something... like the alien chest-buster from the 1969 hit movie "Alien" (directed by Ridley Scott my all time favorite director) pops out and you discover a new love potential in you, that you never knew existed. So it is like.. beauty and the beast... I know that is probably not the best analogy... alien and love but it was the best I could come up with ha ha...
Hey Danceurt, BTW... Asia117x and I have been bouncing around dialogue ideas for movies... we both have scripts we are shopping around. Can you see yourself involved in the movie business? Is that something that you might be interested in? I'll bet you would like to be in it! Sounds a lot more interesting than where I am at the moment... anyway I am thinking of you and your dancing, and teaching... choreo director for a flick... how does that sound? I know that is all kinda off the wall.. I like to dream... for others too...
So, you sound to me like you are finding a path in this DG transition that allows you to honor your TRUE feelings toward him... betrayal... hey I get that... nothing wrong with that. I took a lot of that out on God. I mean I screamed and cursed like a sailor.. or coast guardsman haha...
Danceur, you are the lady in the Star card... a lovely angel, who has her feet on the sea... and on the land... Revelations... and I saw and angel stand... and dance...
I still have hopes for you and DG though... Capricorns do not like to give up the fight...
Oh yes! I have seen Alien - and I like Ridley Scott too! I've only seen his earlier work mostly, though, like Alien (thought this was from the early 80s or late 70s), Blade Runner and Black Rain. I like Gladiator tool. The first Alien is one of the classics. It's a bit slow at first but you get rewarded with a great movie if you stick with it.
You're right - it's a strange analogy...lol! But I see what you mean.
I love that you and Asia have a little project going on In case I misled you... I don't teach.. DG encouraged me but I think I'm not there yet. I really need to become better at dance, learn how to choreograph and to find a way to manage my injury prone body (hence the strength conditioning classes) before I can even consider teaching. I mess around in my head with choreo ideas as I listen to music but it's a giant leap to choreograph a routine for a class, let alone a movie. Wow! You will need a qualified choreographer...hee, but I'm honored you thought to ask me
And Bless your heart, dear Cappy, for not giving up on me and DG
Scorpios do not like to give up as well, esp on someone they love. So if I'm deciding to do this, it's because deep down I know that it's the right thing for me, at this time. Sometimes there is a higher purpose at work.
My true feelings of DG are a mixture of love and feelings of hurt/betrayal. It's a horrible combination to be sure. Actually after I last wrote you, I felt so much lighter. I have released something. It makes me feel that I am making the right decision to stop... everything.... with DG.
Maybe one day, we will get our clean slate.
Just sitting here thinking about you, I walked outside a moment ago and it is a beautiful full moon. A nice evening to read about love!
So, I drew some cards...
Temperance, 10 of cups, 9 of swords, king of swords, 2 of swords, and the king of cups.
My first thought is you have a new man entering your life. The swords are all surrounding this King swords who I am guessing is/was DG... and then a king cups. Someone new?
The temperance and 10 cups seem to be you keeping your balance while emotions at times may be a little intense (it can happen around full moon time).
After the king of cups, a 3 of Cups - yee haw! That is celebration and happiness that you deserve.
I hope this finds you doing well... and hopeful!
blessings to you on this Harvest Moon....
(I posted a previous post to this one however it didn't show up so now maybe they will both now appear)
have a great week!
Aw... guess we lost your earlier post. It happens sometimes
I've very rarely had a King of Cups in a reading. I think this might only be the second time. Can it mean something else, other than a guy/love interest? You're probably right about DG being the King of Swords. The picture in my mind when you mentioned that it was surrounded by the Sword cards.. is that it's almost like a funeral scene. Like I'm figuratively putting him to rest, so to speak...which IS what I'm doing.
Well I'm not sure if the King of Cups refers to this new colleague whom I keep bumping into though we're from a different department, or an old neighbour whom I met today. I don't remember him, but he remembers a lot about my family. And that was almost 30 years ago, so it was a little creepy haha.
Either way, I don't feel anything about either of them and I usually feel something right off the bat when I meet someone I'd be into.
Like N - whom I've got a wee crush on. I think I did mention him before. Felt something the first time I saw him. Cute, possibly younger than me, but he's an instructor and I'm wary now. Gotta be, after DG. This guy is helpful, and it's almost like he's watching out for me in class (it's a pilates class). I kinda feel him staring at times.
And there's P from dance class. Seems to want to be friends but doesn't do anything about it. So...
There's just me again (lol)... but trying to remain hopeful Hee.
You are right about emotions getting intense around a full moon. I really do go up and down. People say it's an urban myth. But I'm not so sure. Right now, it's a sense of irritability, frustration and boredom, plus I'm really tired.
Actually, just to add to your other post, I'm not surprised you're putting a script (or scripts) together. You write really well and you're really good at dialogue too. Gee you're really talented - paintings, writing, what else Perhaps you could incorporate your drawings into your film idea.
I think it's great you're selling your pieces. I hope this could turn lucrative for you, in time because they really are good. Keep the faith, Astra. You're a resourceful person who is multi-talented and intelligent. The Universe has just to give you your break soon... they just gotta.