AT A LOSS ...



  • Hi all,

    Some of you know about the recent ending of my relationship. It's been three weeks, and today was the first day I felt that I could move on from it, until my daughter told me she had to take her car to him, and he did the job for free. I rang him earlier tonight to thank him for the gesture, and he spoke to me like "I'm in a hurry, don't want to talk to you, thanks for that, etc ...". I feel like he's treating me like a pathetic snot-nosed little kid he doesn't have time for, and it's really annoying the crap out of me!

    My daughter, being the teenager she is, is not very sympathetic either, not that I expect sympathy/shoulder/understanding from an 18 year old, but ... I'm wondering how much I was to blame for what went on with Rodney, then previously my 23 year marriage collapse, and what on earth I can do about it? It's almost like I'm the pariah here, not these men who really did do wrong by me. This has me in doubt as to what my contribution really was (even though I know it always takes two to make or break) and no-one's telling me.

    I really am trying to work through whatever issues I've got that have been holding me back, but when this man who I had so much conversation, honesty and even counselling with for 18 months (me counselling him, not the other way around) just ups and leaves, then treats me like someone he'd rather not know, it makes me wonder ...

    Any insight would be welcome. I'm tired of being in doubt about this. I feel like fronting him and asking him what the problem really is. If he didn't want to be friends at all, why not say that in the first place, rather than this wall of silence he keeps giving me?

    It has me just a bit at a loss ...

    Thanks in advance!

    Cheers

    Moon50



  • Hi Moon50,

    I don't know too much about your situation, but I am sorry for all the things you are going through. And for the upsetting day you had.

    I can't comment much on your ex...except to say he sounds like he's shut down. That happens to me sometimes. When there's pain, people tend to act out or shut down. I guess we don't do the best things when we're hurting.

    It's been almost for year a me, and I'm still mourning the loss of a relationship. I'm doing good mostly, but I still miss him.. I'll be fine and then unexpectedly it starts hurting again. I never got the closure or the answers I needed from him as he just went silent. Plus he's still in my environment. And I feel invisible. So it's been particularly difficult.

    But I'm a lot better, so I can say, it does get better, really. I'm closer to my freedom. You just really have to give yourself permission to grieve, without timelines. For what it's worth, I think you're doing great 🙂 Just hang in there. Will try to check in on ya from time to time.

    Thinking of you. HUGS!



  • Thanks Danceur! Good to see you around 🙂

    I can feel that this happened for a reason, but I guess what still rankles with me is what is seemingly his complete ignorance of me, and that he's written me out of his life like I wasn't someone he'd spent 18 months with! That's what sticks in my craw the most.

    Ah well.

    Yesterday was a great day for me until I called him. I suppose there's a message in that as well. But I did want to thank him for looking after my daughter, but didn't want to do it face to face today. And the way it made me feel, almost went towards spoiling what had been a lovely "me" day.

    Yes everything happens for a reason. At this point, I'm very tired of feeling like I'm the one caught in the crossfire of other people's issues, and really want an end to that. An impossibility I guess, but gee, I'm trying to honestly deal with my own stuff, while all these others are running around avoiding them and hurting who they're with.

    So, I've asked the Universe not to send me any more broken men, unless they're honestly dealing with their issues. Otherwise, I'll be joining a nunnery or considering lesbianism!!

    Cheers!

    Moon50



  • ,



  • Moon, I felt Rodney was attracted to your nurturing motherly side more than he wanted or could cope with an equal partner. He needed his 'mummy', which indicates how inside he is very immature. Taking care of his sick partner must have made him yearn for some comfort and care of his own. I just wonder if she hadn't gotten sick, would Rodney would have stayed with her?

    Once he felt he had enough nurturing and sympathy and could stand on his own two feet, he left you without a word of thanks - which also indicates that he has not matured at all. I will venture a guess that he will once again go looking for a mother-substitute as the need overtakes him. You had a lucky escape - you could have ended up the eternal mother to his child, wiping his tears away and bandaging his booboos. You need to stop blaming Rodney for behaving exactly as deep down you knew he was - that 'child' you wanted to take care of and nurture, someone who needed you, and someone you chose to be with.

    You haven't ever experienced an equal relationship before (which you thought you had with Rodney but now must see you didn't) - your husband was too dominating and Rodney was too needy. Next time (just like Goldilocks had to try three times for the best porridge) the man you choose will be 'just right'.



  • You also have to make your daughter understand that she cannot expect to get help from Rodney anymore since he has chosen to leave your life. She needs to respect your hurt feelings and not be selfish.



  • Thanks Captain. The situation with Brooke was more Rodney offering to do the job for nothing, rather than her asking for that (so she tells me). But I wish she hadn't mentioned it, because it caused me to be stupid enough to call the pr*ck and thank him for it, then have him talking to me like I'm some sort of pathetic child!! I feel I'm now in a position where I'll probably have to find another mechanic, which really rankles because Rodney is probably one of the best mechanics in town, if not the best. I've also noticed that his little housemate has him now taking her car to work while he works on it and she drives his fiancee's car; something I totally refused to do unless I couldn't avoid it, considering all things.

    I'll have to ask Brooke not to tell me when she's been to see him and he's looked after her I think! That may be the best solution all round. She also trusts him with her car, which makes this situation a bit more difficult.

    Rodney's passed fiancee was already in a wheelchair when he met her. I think somehow, that was what attracted him to her in the first place. Yet something tells me that eventually, he would've left if she hadn't died when she did, because it would've got to much for him. And yes, I guess he was probably attracted to the fact that I was able bodied and able to look after him; something he hadn't had for quite a long time. But he didn't realise that sometimes I needed a shoulder. A person gets tired of constantly being there for others, and themselves after a lot of years ...

    The way I'm feeling at the moment my friend? I couldn't be bothered with another man unless he really is SUPERMAN 🙂 We'll see what life brings next. At the moment, I'm picking up my poetry again and will look into publishing, finally!

    I do appreciate you popping in again! Have missed you lately 🙂

    Cheers

    Moon50



  • I'm always around...like Louie the fly. 🙂



  • So am I ... like a can of Mortein! Hahahah, just joking!!



  • Please don't spray me - EEK! 😉



  • Oh well okay, I'll be a swat instead!! 🙂



  • Moon

    I can relate to being relationships with men that turned out to be growing a t a slower rate than me.I prefer to think of my past relationships in that way, after months of heart ache this prospective has helped me let go & focus on what lies ahead not behind. In retrospect, I realize I missed, down played, & at times ignored the infamous red flags that I now know really are important to observe. What I've chosen to take from the past is lessons learned & LOTS of self growth & love. Next time around I'll be much wiser regarding what I need & not just what he may need- a man who will be there when I need him, both emotionally & physically & who can share life w me not always be on the receiving end. I know there are men out there like this, just like w fishing I need to throw back those who are underdeveloped!!

    I wish for you peace of mind & a healing heart..... what you're experiencing is painful no doubt.

    Perhaps some distance will help you focus on yourself more easily & not experience more hurtful exchanges.

    Hugs

    Amused



  • Hi Moon50,

    Hope you're feeling better today.

    Haha, I can so relate to thoughts of the nunnery, or 'swinging the other side'. Alas I like men too much 🙂

    I guess we have to kiss some frogs before we find our prince, someday.. I'll be praying for the Universe to send you a wonderful man, and hopefully send one for me too 😛

    Hugs dear! Take care 🙂



  • amused,

    Definitely some distance is a good thing. I feel I've let it go and can get on with things now. Have been angry, sad, etc, but it's all good. I'm still worried about my financial future considering things at work, but can't afford to worry about that too much 🙂 I think we all need to ask for someon in our lives where the relationship provides an equal footing, rather than us putting ourselves second to their needs. I did this with Rodney, and looking back has given me the focus to see that. I don't blame him anymore, don't even blame myself. That relationship wa about self love for both of us, and I think we gave that to each other regardless of the imbalance in our pairing. He needs a mother figure really, and I'm too tired to be that for someone now! I know I need someone who - as you said - can be there for me physically and emotionally and be there with courage. These are things I've shown those I've been with and God knows, I deserve it back.

    Danceur,

    I am feeling a whole lot better! I can't look at Rodney as being a frog, not after where I've got with the wh ole thing. I called him a pr*ck, other WORSE words, screamed at him (without him in front of me of course) and ranted and raved about how he let me down, took off without a word, etc. However, I see now he was a little boy who was too afraid to treat his wounds and someone who'll carry them around with him until he realises they're his to fix, not someone else's.

    The Universe will send me a wonderful man because I've asked them to! I realise it's very early days, but weirdly, I know I want someone in my life who reflects what I've been through in life and appreciates it. A two way thing is what I'm after now; as said above, an equal footing.

    We will be sent what we need, which is more to the point of what I asked the Universe to send me: WHAT I NEED. If that's a man, well send him next week hahahaha. But, I need to be open to whatever I'm sent in whatever form it comes in.

    Thank you both for your lovely messages and encouragement. I really think these times are a test of our openness and willingness to receive whatever we actually need over and above what we THINK we need or want.

    Let's see what Santa Claus brings us for Christmas!! I'm sure we'll be trading much different stories in a few months and can't wait to tell all, and hear all 🙂

    Love and hugs to you all!

    Cheers

    Moon50



  • Moon

    Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. I find I have up & down days....sometimes out of the blue I miss him but it's much easier to get out of the blues & look forward. Financial concerns surely are at most of our back doors these days. I ask the Universe for enough to pay my bills & a bit left over & so far I make it each month. The killer is all the unexpected stuff like car troubles etc!

    I do hope to meet a keeper soon. Going with the holiday theme I'm not sure which is better....Halloween -( popular costumes here) could bring a ghost, a Screamer, a monster or flasher, Thanksgiving -a turkey or over stuffed one, Christmas - Scrouge, a cold one or a fancy looker with little inside!!! Lets hope we send out the vibes for a caring, compassionate, considerate guy...with a bit of silver in his pockets!!!! Yes, I do hope we have some good stories to exchange.

    Blessings

    Amused



  • Hi Moon50,

    I only read your first post on this thread so forgive me if this has been resolved already....

    First, in regards to the "micro" of the situation with your daughter accepting help from the recent ex, give yourself a break! When a break-up is still fresh, us women tend to hold on longer than men. For the most part, men like to be compartmentalized and to avoid messy post-relationship discussions and "feelings." And while you have been hurting and wanting to know why he has rejected you, this instance with your daughter and the car gave you an "excuse" (for lack of a better word) to call him. You are still in healing mode and reaching back to the past for a quick fix is indeed part of our healing sometimes. Forgive yourself for it.

    With regard to the "macro," I am reminded of my previous reading for you in which this relationship came through to me as you being the nurturer, but to an extreme. The focus was all on healing HIM and not having your needs truly met in return. I got that this relationship ending was part of you shedding this skin of being too much the giver so that you could meet someone who would be more your equal than someone looking to be mothered. I asked what the lesson was for you and received that your 23 year marriage and this recent relationship - although completely different on the surface - both involved you giving away your power in some way. You have been working your way through this life lesson with these men and learning as you go so try to find a way to forgive them as well as yourself. You have been at two different ends of the spectrum with men, but both have taught you about your power and balance. I truly feel that if you take some time to ponder how you gave your power away to both of these men that the next one who comes along will indeed be your TRUE match. Someone ready and willing to be an equal partner.

    Take Care,

    Watergirl



  • Thank you watergirl. Through your reading, and wise insights from others, I've learned a lot in the three weeks since my last partner left. I can now see that I was the nurturer, and extremely so. Even growing up in my family, I nurtured their needs and mine were left behind.

    I know now that I no longer want to be the one who panders to the needs of everyone in my life, and that I need a shoulder to lean on and someone to be my rock. I still want to "look after" whoever is in my life, but not so much that I feel drained and undervalued.

    I appreciate this very much indeed, so thank you so much for popping in! I am actually amazed at how much I have learned in a short space of time. I truly thought I'd be casting around for months, but ... I know what I'm after now. Apart from lots of money, a mansion, an overseas holiday, etc!? Nah, I simply want balance and comfort. I've actually found that in myself this past week, which has also amazed me.

    It is incredible what yelling, screaming and ranting can do! The dog, cat and resident possums have sure seen a great show 🙂

    Bless you!

    Cheers

    Moon50



  • Watergirl, there is one other thing I hadn't mentioned, and this is what I feel contributed very largely to the end of my last relationship. He had lost his fiancee to muscular dystrophy nearly two years ago, and although we got together quite quickly after her death (for him; I'd been alone for about 15 months by then), he seemed ready to move on. However, his grief process loomed large, though I was happy to support him through it. I guess this is evidence of where I gave my power away. However, a few months ago - I think it was around June/July, he said he wanted a break for a while. I ranted and raved and told him to rack off like everyone else had done in my life, etc. He was also talking and crying about his fiancee. I said that even though he would grieve her for a long time, he needed to let her go as such, because I couldn't compete with her ghost anymore. He told me I was a bad person. My response was to say he could think what he liked, but it had to be said.

    I don't think he ever got over that, and I really think that's where the rot set in. He wanted me to keep wet-nursing him, because I'd been happy to do so up until then, but I was slowly coming around to refusing because I was coming second in someone's life, again.

    I thought maybe you might find this interesting. I did when I recalled this conversation because I feel it was when I actually was startign to take back my power and gently demand what I deserved. He, however, was powerless and unprepared to give that to me.

    I wish him well, and I'm glad to be free of this.

    Cheers

    Moon50



  • More and more I am feeling that the fiancee was just an excuse for Rodney's leaving and indeed for his lack of really getting on with his life - that his desires for 'more' or 'different' were really at the heart of it..



  • I think you're right Captain. I reckon I gave him more confidence, built him up and eventually created a monster who decided to go sow his wild oats! He's 51, so he may find with all his adventures, etc, he'll end up alone and regret what he left behind. Not my problem now, and it won't be when that happens. His treatment of me in recent weeks has told me that it's over, and I'm moving on, end of story. As I've said before: his loss.

    Now, where's a real man???


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