Could use some advice, Captain.



  • I've been in a really great place since the beginning of the year, I'm seeing a wonderful man, and going in a good direction with my life. My son is happy and well-adjusted, and almost two years old now (how time flies!). I've been both busy and happy.

    But two nights ago, I really started to miss my ex. I don't know why, I've been so much better off without him and I am with someone who is absolutely wonderful to me. But, the friendship just isn't there inside the relationship like it was with my ex/son's father. It was really bad, I even watched a travelling show about New Zealand and this wave of emotion just came over me. I hadn't spoken to my ex in months, and told him basically to lose my number the last time we spoke. And I didn't want to open up a window of communication (and more importantly, KNOW better by now). So I fought off the urge and went to bed.

    Only to wake up to a text message from him the next morning!

    I am stupefied. Obviously I do not think this is anything like a soul-mate connection, too much has happened between us for it to ever be anything like that. But are there other kinds of links two people can have? Especially for me to be so content and then to just have so much emotion out of NOWHERE.

    Can you shed any light on what's going on here?

    Thanks so much!



  • You have not fully cut the cords that bind you to your ex. Over time, people tend to forget the bad times and only remember the good times. You need to focus on the fact that you broke up for a reason - your ex was just not ready to commit. That is the reality - don't let yourself drift over into fantasy or "maybe next time it will be better." If you want to improve your present relationship, give it a chance to deepen by sharing more of yourself with your partner. Talk more and really open yourself to him. You may be holding back because of your last unpleasant experience. And don't expect this relationship to be like the last one. Let it bloom with its own individuality which may be even better than previously.



  • Hi AiriesMama,

    I don't want to butt in on this thread, so please forgive me for doing so, but it caught my attention and when I read your post I thought: WOW. I have been through similar myself throughout this year. I also split from my ex nearly three years ago, and have been with a tremendous man for almost 18 months. But through this year, I started missing the ex as well. I swing between remembering why I left, then feeling sad and overwhelmed thinking of the good times (I was with him for 25 years). I have a daughter to him, who's now 18, and we took in a foster boy in 2004 who is now 21.

    My daughter lives with him at the moment as he's more conveniently located to things to do with her life than I am, and often I feel envious that he sees more of her than I do, so I don't know if that's part of it: missing the sense of family.

    Overall though, I just want to tell you that the Captain's advice is spot on, and that you are not alone in what you're feeling about your ex. It took me 10 years to leave, and I can't let myself forget why I chose to do it. We were not compatible, whereas myself and my current partner (who is a rather incompatible starsign to me - he's Airies and I'm Cancer) get on so well, it almost seems too good to be true.

    So maybe that's the challenge we're both being faced with: That we are finally with someone who we are compatible with and it is scaring us somewhat. I can't put it down to anything else myself, but to say I appreciate reading this post and the Captain's answer, is putting it mildly. I feel like it was meant for me as well.

    Good luck! And to repeat myself: You aren't alone in these feelings; there is someone over the other side of the globe who is feeling similar 🙂

    Cheers

    Moon50



  • Ohh trust me, I've learned my lesson with my ex. I made a fool out of myself in the process. I am fully aware that people change, and sometimes not for the better. I always keep your advice that I was special to him, and that it'll take years before he figures that out and is ready to commit in the back of my head, too. I miss his friendship, though. We always knew how to have a good laugh, even at the worst of times. He wants to be a part of his son's life, but with an ocean between us I do not see how. And I believe I have every right to doubt his sincerity.

    And I know the conversation is coming with my current partner, it's kind of time to. I just have to pluck up enough courage to do it. I am just scared of his reaction when I push for a future, or suggest anything close to it because he may not want to even discuss it this early on. He's all about letting things progress naturally, and I like knowing things are going somewhere and he gets irritated when I try to get him to talk about it. He says to just be happy in the present with the way things are.

    Thanks Moon! And that's so interesting about your Aries partner. I know all about how incompatible those two signs are. I was in a disastrous relationship with a Cancer man, and ALMOST married him.



  • AriesMama, your current partner's attitude is a good one. All we have is the present moment to live in. The past has gone and the future has not yet arrived. Your anxiety about the future and sentimentality about the past robs you of enjoying the present. You need to have more faith in yourself to be able to cope, even on your own if that's how things turn out. Once you know you will be OK no matter if you have a partner or not, you can relax and just enjoy your current partner's company and not always be worrying that it won't work out. The quality of time spent together is always more important than the quantity.



  • It's amazing what a person can go through and come out on the other side of, isn't it?

    It's not that I do not think I won't be okay without him in my life. I've just grown really fond of him and would hate to push him out of my life by pulling him so close to me, if that makes any sense. I do hope it works out, but am unsure of exactly how to open myself up to him and how to go about initiating such a conversation. I do want to have a good heart-to-heart and I know he's absolutely crazy about me too, but it would just be nice to hear he'd like me in his future...that we're building something special.

    The ex misses me. I know he does. But now, I am in such a different place and while I wouldn't mind having my old friend back, this new person he's become isn't really my cup of tea. He has SO much growing up to do and maturing. I'm not even sure what it is about me he misses since I'm not sure he even likes me half the time. (but then again, he wouldn't contact me if he didn't, right?) I've resolved to remain civil and see where it goes, but not put him in any position to let me or our son down.

    I've also told the current guy my son's father contacted me, just to be honest and open. And his response was very reassuring. I do not wish to hide anything from him, and this only made me more positive about the situation!



  • Before you go about finding out if your current beau wants you in his future, make very certain that you believe in your own strength to cope alone if he does not. In other words, don't ask any questions of which you are not prepared for the answer. Your ability to cope and your future happiness should not depend on anyone else. Otherwise you will surely push people away if you put too much responsibility for your life on their shoulders.



  • Thank you, Captain.

    I think I may know the answers, which is why I am pushing for them. We've been seeing each other long enough now that I need to know where he stands. I think after the last disaster I am more than capable of being on my own again, if it's not headed in that direction. I do not want to give myself any false hope.

    Was the whole thing with my ex getting in contact with me a coincidence? We used to joke about our "link" when we were together, and even before for the nine months that we were friends before we started to date. It seems it's resurfaced...but I'm just trying to get some perspective on what it actually is.



  • Just because you were on the same wavelength with your ex for some things doesn't mean you suit each other in all ways (as you found out). You made good friends but poor lovers.



  • Wavelength!! That's the word I was looking for! Thank you. Friendship is all I am open to at this point with him, so that is good. But even that is going to take work and trust, something I do not think either of us are really ready for just yet. But it's nice to know he misses it, too.

    Can I ask what my current partners deal with moving forward is? It seems like he always roadblocks me. His birthday is August 5, 1985.



  • He fears being abandoned, left alone, or emotionally abused, since that was how he was made to feel as a child. So he doesn't like to get too close to people in case they desert him. Trust is his issue.



  • Is there anything I can do or say to him to help, because I am not out to do any of those things (obviously). He's SUCH a nice/sweet person, but so private and closed off - it's like pulling hair getting him to open up, and I hate pushing him. Even if it backfires, at least perhaps it may help him to be more open in the future with other partners.



  • His trust will only be earned over time - by showing him that you will stay with him. Though he seems to outwardly be in it for the short term, that's his fears causing him to have one foot out the door in case his partner shows signs of leaving him. Yet he deeply wants a relationship and a normal family life with someone who will be there for the long haul. But he is afraid he will never find it.



  • I know every woman wants to be "that" woman who changes "that" man, but at this point I feel like why can't I find a man who is already at that point? I like him so much, and I definitely am not going anywhere...but at the same time, I have so much going on in my own life, and do not want to have to hold someone's hand and coddle them. How heartless do I sound? Jeeze.

    I've also been pulling away lately, from everyone. Not really sure why. And I am tired allll the time. I think that's why I have this sudden lack of enthusiasm. I just need some R&R, I think.



  • The only person you can change is yourself. You have to ask yourself why you keep attracting men who don't want to commit - it means that you yourself have a fear of getting stuck with the wrong person.



  • Very true. I've been thinking that I do not enter these relationships for the right reasons, either. And I just lucked out this time around and happened to find an exceptionally nice person. I think he is surprised at how much he likes me, too. I think he WANTS to overcome his fears too, as you said. I just have my doubts as to whether or not he can wait it out until I can have the time and effort to give to him. And he deserves it, too.

    I will continue to try and get him to open up, be honest with him, and get him to open up and just play it by ear and see how it goes. We obviously came into each others lives for a reason, and I'd hate to throw that away.



  • I haven't been able to shake this, I guess I will call it "slimy" feeling since leaving the lawyer's office last week after signing the affidavit. While everything on there was TRUE, it was just hard having it all there in my face. And I HATED the way it was worded. I can that they are trying to make him look like scum, but I felt it was a bit much. And I feel sneaky. I hate it. Because I KNOW I'm doing the right thing going for custody. I hate the hoops I have to jump through to do it, though. I've been struggling with telling my ex or not that I am going for custody. His interest has waned since last week when I told him I have a boyfriend (shocking, right?) and have not heard from him since. I do not want to spark a fight between us when things have FINALLY calmed down.

    I am really torn.



  • Let the lawyers handle it from now on.


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