Uncertain



  • Hello captain..

    im your new follower. can u check for me 15/12/1981(F) compatibility with 18/01/1983 (M).we have been in relationship since 2000 but mostly its on an off on and off relationship.

    .we have decided to engage this year and to get married nexyear..but his moody plus and un predictable and controlling mode..sets me off.. should i go thru this?i have problem as well..it seems i cant decide and once decide on anything i tend to f second thoughts on it..i juz cant stand firm on my decisions n that brings problem as weel

    ?is there any future???i feel like stucked..and sometime i feel like he feels the same too.. e accepts me the way i am but i tend to compare sumtime.



  • While I am not the Captain, I saw this and had to answer:

    NO. Don't go through with this marriage. The controlling aspects of your potential marriage partner will become more definite and more difficult to deal with. You have doubts already. Please take notice of those doubts.

    I remember advice my mother gave me years ago: when in doubt, DON'T.

    So please, for your own sake, don't get married, or engaged, just yet.

    You can't make a decision and stick to it? Well then you can't decide to marry someone who is controlling. It's not a fault if you can't decide; that is normal and human. But if you marry someone controlling, your indecision will make your life hell for years to come.

    I hope I haven't preached here, but your post reached out to me and I gave my answer, which I hope helps.

    Cheers

    Moon50



  • hi Moon5o,

    thank you for ur piece of thoughts..well i m thinking hard on moving off as well..but still there's sumting else that holds me down..

    thank ...

    xoxo



  • This part is common sense: You haven't found your own way yet. You need to know Who You Are or doubts and comparison will keep coming up. No one should even contemplate marriage under those circumstances.

    This part is a message: Indecision prevails often in your life, not just with this engagement. This "sumting else that holds me down.." is nothing new to you either. It is a clear feeling that what you are experiencing isn't the right direction for you. He may have seemed like a strong shoulder to lean on and give you direction at first but, he can't really 'fix' things for you. Nor should he or anyone else be expected too. The dreams that you hold in your heart should be your first priority. I can't see what those dreams are right now; there are many and make you smile inside. Narrow down your dreams/desires ---That should be your focus and will lead to a future. Your future is about U First, someone else Second.

    Blessings and Best Wishes,

    Laie4



  • Thank you laie4

    im nervous and im scared to make any decisions



  • BBB, many of your problems in this relationship stem from the fact that you both may try to act so conventionally and 'normally' because of your need to be accepted by the people whose respect you crave. You both need to accept that you have your little idiosyncracies and dramatic sides and that it's fine to be a little different. You don't need to make excuses for or hold back your behaviour or check your thinking. When you relax and stop caring about what other people think, the two of you can begin helping each other, especially career-wise and financially. Your lively and imaginative partner is good at helping you relax more because you can be a bit over-serious, especially at the end of the working day. You in turn can help him realize some of his fantastic schemes and ideas. Nonetheless, this is not an easy road for you both personally - although you can be a joy to each other in many respects, you can also get on each other's nerves, with dire results. Your partner may need to vent his anger in a single, explosive reaction followed by a series of smaller 'aftershocks', whereas your anger simmers away and inevitably turns to depression if not released.

    In a love affair or marriage here, you two may feel torn between a desire for a quiet, conventional life and a real need to be outrageous and flamboyant. Such conflicts between wants and needs can make the relationship look like a round peg being forced into a square hole. Usually at the root of problems here are certain old childhood issues or parental expectations that continue to hold one or both of you in a tight grip. Learning to be firm and bidding a fond farewell to parental guilt trips (over old childhood mischiefs and shenanigans) will be hard, but is necessary if self-development is to continue and maturity to be achieved. Don't allow anyone else (family or friends or society in general) to come between you and your partner. And if there are any pranks being played or buttons being deliberately pushed in the relationship, it's a sign that someone is being immature and needs to grow up. You do both need to freely express your unusual personalities in this relationship but there's no need for silly games.

    Trouble occurs because you both want the same thing in life - to be in absolute control of every area of your lives all the time. This need for control will not work to help you feel safer to just be yourselves. You will never be able to control other people or situations enough to feel secure, to feel safe to be vulnerable. So you must take a chance and not be afraid to let others see who you really are and how you feel - even your insecurities, your fears of rejection and abandonment, and feelings of inadequacy. When you both can let it all 'hang out' without fear of others' judgments or criticisms (it is your life, after all! live it as you want), you will finally gain a feeling of absolute safety, because in revealing your feelings you take charge of yourselves on a deeper level.

    While hard-work and high standards should bring your partner much success in his career endeavors, he can have much more difficulty maintaining personal relationships. This is perhaps due to his need for independence and self-reliance, his need to be considered successful, and a tendency to seem aloof and critical -- sometimes even selfish. However, if he can put forth the loyal, funny and friendly side of himself, he will find it much easier to make friends and be nicer to you, his partner. You yourself BBB understand the need to be independent and free so you can work together to help each other maintain this relationship - but on your own set of rules that you create together, not on someone else's.



  • HI captain...

    well..tq so much...wat u say juz makes lots of sense ..

    its like half of my questions answered..thank you..

    as u say i hope he will be funny and relaxed..as he tends to be like timebomb sumtimes..

    i hope to tell him all tat u f said..but i dont now how to bring out his soft spot captain



  • He'll show his soft spot when he realizes it's not weak or dangerous to show his vulnerability to someone close. He's afraid of being hurt like most of us. Maybe if you read him this answer, he might think a bit more on the subject. When he is uptight, he is not showing his fun and happy natural state. That's what you both have to get into, not caring what other people think if you act mad or eccentric. Just enjoy being yourself!


Log in to reply