Captain help please

  • Hello,

    My stepdaughters (6-30-77) husband (3-18-? he says he is 42 yrs old) left and decided to live on his own. He takes care of their expenses but said he doesnot know what he wants and dont know what to do yet. As of now he is undecided. He visits their 2 daughters and returns them and thats about it. He doesnot talk to her unless its something important.

    They have been married 4 years and separated 6 months.

    My stepdaughter doesnot want a divorce. So we are all waiting for him to make up his mind on what to do. Is he coming back to her? We are all at a lost.

    Thank you and many blessings.

  • The themes of learning and teaching are a feature of this relationship, and indeed marriage can do very well here. Unfortunately it also encourages individual growth which is why the husband is flexing his new 'wings', but this pair can also grow together if they choose. So your stepdaughter has to grow and mature and change too if she wants to keep up with hubby and wants him to return. He won't come back unless the relationship changes. He has grown beyond the old partnership they had and a new contract must be written. Neither romance nor pleasure was ever seen between them as the be-all and end-all of love. So now they must discover what else it holds for them. If the marriage is to be enduring and fulfilling, challenges must be met, barriers overcome, and development visible. Your stepdaughter must decide if she has allowed herself to stagnate in the marriage or for the relationship itself to become stale and old. She must be willing to allow her partner to change the way they approach or look at their marriage and their shared goals (if they do indeed have the same goals). A certain amount of pain, suffering, and difficulty here doesn't mean the relationship is a failure - in fact, a shakeup may be necessary if change and growth are not welcomed. If one or the other of them needs more space, for example, it must be given ungrudgingly. If one has been too demanding, the other must say so and they must agree to compromise. If there has been jealousy or competition, it must be dealt with. Etc.

    This separation is a challenge but, if both people concerned work to improve the marriage and serve each other's needs better, it can still work out. If they don't sit down and talk honestly about what each person wants and how to make it happen, then it is over. The challenge must be met.


  • You're very welcome! 🙂

  • Hi Captain, Sorry to bother you again.

    This is in regards to my stepdaughter(6-30-77) and her husband (3-18-?) he says he is 42 years.

    I'm just a bystander and not saying anything. I'm just a listener to all of these dramas.

    My stepdaughter keeps telling things about her husband to my husband. Nothing but bad things. My husband believes everything she says and he is mad at his son-in-law.

    He called his son-in-law twiced but he who wouldnot return his call. So he is even madder now. Why is he not returning my husbands call? I told my husband to just leave him be he is troubled and wants his space.

    After all he is not a dead beat father or husband cause he is still providing financially for his

    family. Some guys just takes off and leaves with no money.So dont worry about it.

    My husband says doesnt he knows

    he has two kids who needs him? I left that question unanswered.

    In my mind I dont see anything wrong with his son-in-law just not happy with his marriage and wants his space but my husband and his daughter dont understand this. Do you see him coming back? With all the complains I hear from my stepdaughter I dont think she has changed at all.

    People just dont realized that relationship is difficult and we have to work at it to be successful.

    And still there will be ups and down even so.

    Well thats life I guess we live and learn.

    Thanks again & many blessings

  • Your husband needs to butt out of someone else's marriage and let this couple work out their own solution. He is only seeing the one side of the situation so he cannot be impartial and will just make things worse.

    If your stepdaughter doesn't change and grow, then the marriage will be finished.


  • Captain

    I would like to say though that sometimes we must be hurt and fail inorder to grow.


  • That's very true. Only through struggle do we learn and evolve. During the good times, we rarely look too deeply into our own psyches - only when we hit a bump in the road, do we stop to ask ourselves if there is something we are doing or thinking wrongly to bring about such trouble. (Or we should.)

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