Any one can help :)
I wonder if someone could give me some good advice to see this situation in a different way as I am going through some hard times for a while now. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but what is happening to me, I am a little confused yet.
The place where I am living in, it has been a place of so many big changes in my life. Here I became a mother, the biggest happiness of my life. I also later fully realized that my husband is not the one to have the rest of my life with, and it is still an issue remaining to be resolved.
Also here, for about 5 years now, I am mentally roller-costing in depression because of this unfulfilled romantic love interest, which has no possible ways of solutions. I know I have to forget about it, but it is impossible since i feel and see him waiting from/for me. it is not having a closure, because we can't communicate anymore, it has became stale and sad. he doesn't even say hi, and turns his head away, while waits for me outside just to see me when I go out. its nerve wracking mostly. he can't give me what I want. he knows I don't have a life with my husband, but he has a good girlfriend, so nothing much is expected any way. but I wonder how could this get so depressing because I am unable to get over it and solve it. I was spiritually awakened from this issue, the only good thing I got from it, which I am thankful for.
at this time I am waiting to go to court any day soon, because the management of the building, raised the rent 50% on top of the one we had and we didn't agree to pay. I meet some layers that told me how wrong they have done to us for so long, and for that we will win some money in court, but we most likely will loose the apartment. There is a very tiny winy slight chance that we might keep it though.
I am devastated to the idea to loose this place, for the all above reasons, and mostly because the guy I am in love with, is my neighbor, and I will miss him tremendously. we can't talk now, how would we later, when I am gone.
I was thinking maybe loosing the apartment is because of him. I am pushed to do something so I get over him. I understand this. But also I love my apartment and the place in the city I live in. I will miss it forever. the only time in my life i felt home, which I created.
On the other side I am very isolated in here, without family close-by, and this is one reason why I fear divorce, even though I so much want it. I kind of feel trapped in all this. I fear that depression my kick in any time from isolation and all the rest. I am not easy in socializing too. I have close good friends but feel lonely still. I have been contemplating a lot, and I see how many of my characteristics are from birth, because I remember myself this way since I was a child. I stayed isolated from the rest. I am an artist in profession. even though I know I am pretty, and talented, and very skilled, still i fear a lot. but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this though !
Any thought anyone ??
any clairvoyant ?
thank you for reading it ! U
You need to get away from that apartment as it is more a source of misery to you than happiness. You can make anywhere a home just as you made this one. But there are too many bad memories in your present living space. You need to start over. You are far too isolated where you are which leaves you too much time to brood. Can you move closer to your family or friends, or can they help you find a new place?
thank You Captain ! your spirit is unconditional !
I will eventually live this place, if the court decides so !
But you see, I didn't want to go yet ! am not ready ! it feels like this place is still mine, and I am forced to go. you say misery, because management people happen to be so, but this kind of people can be every where else. How do I know that where I am going next is not going to happen the same or something worse. Why should I give up, and not fight for it, since I know it was unjust what has been going on to us ?
so I believe I should fight for the best to keep this place, because there is a law I found out that if the tenant is deceived for too long on rent control, and other mistreatment that has been going on, than the court can give only this apartment (of a coop building) to this specific tenant.
in the end, I think the court's decision is going to give me a hint if I should stay or go, but the truth is I would like to fight this misery people around here, that thinks that living with roaches and mice and dog poop is fine, just to save some money for recovering in hospitals.
Also you are right, it is a misery here but why not to fight it ? they are soooo very wrong !
well, every day is passing it is like yes maybe I should go. But I fear what comes next.
As hard as it is (what you are going through) you are thinking with a scarcity mentality and this way of thinking will keep you stuck. Change your thinking and find a better place, some fights are not worth fighting for. Like the Captain said, leave this place. It is about what is actually possible, so within what's possible find a way to leave and start over if you can do it. Much good will come from taking charge with that.
I think you really want to stay just to be close to your neighbour, but this is a very bad idea. You should get right away - don't even wait for the court decision. You are living in emotional toxicity. You need to make a decision regarding ending or improving your marriage and must stop putting things off out of fear. Your situation won't get better if you ignore it - it will only become worse the more you avoid taking a stand.
And the misery I was talking about comes not from your landlords but from your loneliness and lack of feeling any love in your life.
I see, and you are right ! the other me thinks so too. And most likely this is happening.
The problem though is that if I go, would I feel better ? I had toxic relationship in the past too, and for some reason they follow me. So now i have lost trust in myself in ever being able to build a healthy family which I always dreamed. I have lost trust in my husband too, long time ago.
moving somewhere else is just to save me from the current circumstances (like from the guy here and management) but the misery you are talking about it can follow because of what I already said.
I am putting hopes on the things changing for better when I find a permanent job, and of course I have to go from here.
Thank you Captain for hearing me and helping to clarify my mind. Best, U
Toxic relationships follow you because you choose them everywhere you go. You have to deal with and heal your issues about being attracted to people who will not give you what you need, who don't love you as deeply as you need to be loved, or who are unattainable in some way. For some reason, you feel you are not worthy of being loved so you pick partners who are incapable of loving you well and giving you the attention and adoration you need. You may feel some self-loathing or embarrassment about yourself, how you look or act, that makes you feel unworthy of being loved. I wonder if you have ever felt loved in your whole life, if you know what love really is. Are you perhaps repeating the type of relationship you had with your parents?
Once you heal your poor self-image and give yourself the love you crave, you can make a fresh start without fear of the past repeating itself.
My parents were never in love. they showed very much hatreds toward each other. When I grew up i isolated myself and felt not important to others. I felt like a sexual object only. because of this i used to never feel like I could 'hold' someone just because they loved me, even I could feel they did. I played the free spirit, some time in victim mode, so they left always.
at my mid 20s my current husband, fell in love with me, and he always did. but he treated me badly, very badly, because of the ignorance and the way he was raised up. he was very controlling, hit me, underestimate me, and I didn't know then how to protect myself and to have the power to change him as I have now, but i felt safer as compare to going back to my unloving family -- I was not in love with him however and he never could get into my heart. today I know he values me more than any one could, and his trying his best to keep me or win me (as he says) but I am shut already.
Now, after so much of me gong through, I am the one that plays the boss around, because I have told him to leave me alone and he doesn't want to. He is manipulative, even though he doesn't know himself that he is so. All he is doing now is because I am not his as I have told him repeatedly to separate. and I know something for sure, If I set my mind to make it with him again and open the door to him back again, he gets back to what he really always was. I don't trust him anymore. Also he does lots of sexual chats and can't give those up either. he has insecurity issues too and tries to feed himself with sexual chats. I just feel better without him around but I am waiting for the right moment, because i have a son with him, and don't want to loose him.
My aunty called just now, and she gave me a brilliant idea. to go and live near her, in Canada.
I am thinking of that now, I live in NYC by the way. I love NY but I feel lonely here.
Something else I have discovered about myself, VERY important indeed, as it is so weird and I wonder why it is , is that if others show much interest on me, I loose interest on them and run away. I feel like I need a challenge and also space. I need lots of space sometime. I feel like I go always for the unreachable because I find space there. only that could satisfy me. but on the process quite often I sabotage myself, because of the insecurities which I am trying and working on. I totally believe that the guy I am in love with, my neighbor, is feeling the same about me, and I have made him nuts, and I believe that this is because of me sabotaging myself. My insecurities kick in when I am at the point that I can reach a goal , and scares me away from reaching it, and than I screw it. this is what did with him. Now he hates me and is showing himself up with an other girlfriend, beside the one he has just to revenge against me. and I feel bad about all this because this is not want I want even for him.
so Captain, thank you for listening and wonder what could you say about the me looking for the unreachable +love +space lol hard equation
Your sad loveless childhood and your remote parents have determined your miserable past but the present and future are yours to do with as you want, once you realize that your parents' attitudes about love don't have to be yours too. Don't let a miserable past contaminate your present and future. A child cannot help what happens to them but as an adult, you can choose to live however you want.
You must have become open to moving on, because a way to do that has presented itself for you - "My aunty called just now, and she gave me a brilliant idea. to go and live near her, in Canada." You can move on from your location and also from old, outworn and incorrect beliefs about yourself that you acquired from your parents. You can find love with a good man. And you will if you allow yourself to be open to the idea that you are worthy and deserve love. Don't let other people control your feelings about yourself. Make a fresh start with a new love and regard and care for yourself. If you love yourself, other people will love you too.
So the biggest challenge for now is divorcing my husband. he expresses himself very poorly and makes me uncomfortable. he is manipulative with words but I do believe he loves me, and I don't want to hurt him. I hope things will turn this way that gradually comes to an end without any one to suffer big. I am thinking Canada now
thank you Captain ! U
I hope all goes well for you.
Thank You Captain !
since I started this thread til now, so many things for better happen ! I feel so connected to my spirit hose days. you helped in all this !
all the best to you too !
Good for you!