Man I caused some trouble

  • I (Sept 😎 started seeing an amazing man (Sept 23) a few months ago. Things were so blissful for both of us and we were both the happiest we have been in a long time. This is the first man that wanted my happiness first and let me relax and be myself. Unfortunately I was keeping a pretty big secret from him and tried to have it come out in a was that would cause the least resistance. My instinct told me that he would sniff me out, know that I wasn't being truthful, but I felt I had no choice and I had to continue with my "plan". I hate lying and I never do it unless i feel i have no other options.

    So it all came out in a huge blow. He called me out. I cried, he cried, I told him I was so in love with him (this hadn't been said between us yet) we embraced and sobbed together, both for our own reasons and our shared reason that our perfect relationship just shattered in minutes. A week went by, he was finally open to talking to me and said there could be no him and I anymore. As I expected he was monotone and calm about the whole thing. I told him I totally understood and let him know that if ever he wants to try to repair this, even just by email, text, (from a distance) that I will always be open to that. I guess I am writing this because I just don't know what to do with myself. My doctor put me on meds for panic attacks so I don't walk around crying all day due to guilt, shame, pain and heartache. I know I need to give him extra time and if we are meant to be, as I feel we are, it will work itself out. I feel like because i f-ed it up, I need to be the one reaching out and fighting for us but I don't want to push him and make him angrier. I feel like I need to explain more to him about the whole lie, More for his peace of mind than to get him back. I am dying inside thinking of how he must be feeling and how much this has damaged him. I side with love no matter how much someone has hurt me and I would hope that our love would stand for something given enough breathing room to process it all. I just need any advise/similar situations anyone might have. Virgo/ Libra men would be especially helpful as he's bounces back and forth on his cusp...Thank you

  • Well, can the big secret you kept from him be resolved? You are not already married, are you?

  • No I wouldn't consider the secret to be something that can be resolved and it's not something that I can share here. We are not married, we met earlier this year. You commented on our compatibility around the beginning of the relationship but I don't think I understood it completely.

  • Spookykat,

    I can't help but feel that this secret is really not as bad as you think it is. Your avoidance in telling this "amazing man" tells me that somewhere inside, you didn't trust him to take it well and out of fear of losing him, neglected to share it. But you lost him anyway. So what does this tell you?

    From where I'm sitting, it tells me a number of things:

    1. You have shared this secret with someone else before who threw it back in your face, hence affecting your trust in others.

    2. Your lack of trust caused you to lie by omission which resulted in losing this "amazing" man.

    3. I am saying "amazing" in inverted commas because really, if he was that amazing, he would not be saying there can't be a you and he; nor would he hold you to ransom and not respect your need to keep this secret under wraps.

    Whatever happened to you, happened and can't be undone. Please stop carrying this around like something you deserved! I know you don't want to reveal it here, and won't ask you to, but honestly the sense I get is that it isn't as bad as you think it is; you did nothing to deserve it and it has laid inside you for so long that it has begun to fester. You need to talk to someone about it and quickly if you are to have any hope of trusting, honest relationships with anyone - men and friends and most importantly yourself.

    And sometimes, things that happen to us can't be resolved, but rather, need to be let go.

    As an aside, I can say to you that I kept a secret from my ex husband for years, then finally shared it when I was leaving him the first time. We patched things up and kept the marriage going for another ten years, but sadly, he kept throwing my honesty back in my face amongst other things, and the marriage finally ended in 2009.

    This isn't to say that being honest is going to result in loss of a relationship, but rather reveal that relationship for being on weak ground already.

    Please stop beating yourself up and internalising this secret. Seek counselling if you haven't already in order to reveal it and send it where it belongs: out of you.

    I don't know if any of this helps you, and I'm sorry if what I've said comes across a bit harsh; it is not meant that way.

    Take care, good luck and be kind to yourself for once.



  • I don't feel it's your secret itself that has hurt this man but the fact you concealed it from him. Big secrets are best expressed at the outset. Now he may feel manipulated into the relationship. I think he felt the same way as you about your relationship - that it was all that he could want - then he finds out that the honesty was not there. I feel he is a rather traditional sort of man deep down (is this your 'type'?) and this incident has shaken his confidence in the relationship and in the sort of person he thought you were. He may wonder if you have any more secrets that you are not telling him. Only time will tell if he can work his head and heart around it.

  • Thank you both! Moon50, you are spot on and everything you have said I have considered, and I wonder if he really would ever to feel or look at me the same. And Captain, yes while the secret is bad it is like salt on the wound that I am not who he thinks he knew. The unfortunate thing is there is nothing else I could or would hide, everyone that knows me can't understand what I could have done that was so bad... and I can't share it with most of them either. I have good support with my problem but yes it has festered and bothered me for a long long time. Again thank you both. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't accept the good and the bad and where it is still fresh to him, that remains to be seen because my instinct is that he will contact me to try to get more information and understand me better. I will not allow him to hold it over my head and I appreciate you pointing that out Moon cause it is not at all healthy and I think I've had enough of the unhealthy. I am doing my best to manifest a man with amazing qualities who accepts and loves me. It may or may not be him...

  • Libra's value truth above all else, I am a pisces and tried to have a relationship with a libra. I was honest and truthful about everything, but she had been lied to before and found it hard to trust. She believed I was lying about everything. Honesty something a libra must have, and if you are ever dishonest, it taints the way they view you. It may not have been what you hid, but the very fact that you did. Libra's are do not view love as romantically as some other signs, and are very slow to forgive. I am not trying to depress you, just being honest.

  • No LastCrusader, that is the feeling I get about him too. It sucks, and there is nothing else I would ever possibly have to lie about...I didn't feel I had a choice, but I get how he would feel that way. I am very "love conquers all" and I have forgiven people for terrible things in my life, but I realize not everyone feels that way or can do that. Thank you for your input.

  • Interestingly Spooky, my foster son is a Libran and does he value honesty above all else? DEFINITELY. He can sniff out a lie like a dog sniffs out food, and should you accuse a Libran of something they didn't do ... watch out! YET, when they tell a porky, it's okay by their book. So a little bit of double standard seems to exist in the Libran psyche!

    They're a funny sign, and I've found the odyssey of spending the last 8 years with my boy to be something worth writing a book about, trust me 🙂 Plus my Gemini daughter, my Virgoan ex-husband (I'm a Cancer) and my life has been nothing short of interesting for want of a more accurate term!!

    No wonder I'm tired ... 🙂

  • Yes Moon, I knew all along he would sniff it out (that's a perfect way to put it), but I didn't feel like I could really do anything but stick with my plan and hope for the best. The longer time passes I think he would have reacted the same way no matter when he was told which makes me reconsider if he is really what I want or if I was just hooked on the first man who treated me like the goddess I am... It's a potent and addictive feeling and it made me selfishly want to keep him as long as I could. But I need someone that will accept the good and the bad, not just want to find out everything about me and be fascinated by me until something bad comes out.... Everyone has skeletons. Still, I don't want to make assumptions about him and how he may really be feeling and I have no relationship experience with Libra so your information is helpful 🙂 I'm going to extend my last olive branch this weekend then let it go. Thank you

  • Good luck! One more thing I'll mention about the two Libran's I've known (foster boy and my best friend's husband who sadly died three years ago) is they're VERY charming; know how to treat a lady, but sometimes when the chips are down, they run. I've seen this with my boy and his current gf, but lucky she loves him enough to stick it out. They really are a very unusual sign, and one you can't help but love. Yes, all you can do is offer that olive branch and see where it goes. I guess it may come down to how much you're willing to extend yourself for this man, while at the same time, he needs to meet you halfway.

    Best wishes 🙂

  • You bring up a good point. I have been in a pattern of sticking it out with so many of the wrong men that I feel like I shouldn't anymore. But then I have never been treated so good and if any of my boyfriends deserve me to it would be him...I'm sending a letter to tell him that I love him, appreciate the time I had with him and to let him know I am here if he needs me. It doesn't have any tone of demand, pressure or blame...Always the best approach with any man I have found lol. You are awesome. Thank you for your advise.

  • Hey, no worries! My foster-boy's girlfriend secretly messaged me on Facebook with her concerns about him, and we had a "chat" about it. Of course, I couldn't broach the subject with my son because he would've known she'd been talking to me. However, I am heartened to see he has re-acknowledged his relationship with her on FB and I sighed with relief. Not only does he need to meet her halfway, but she also needs to accept that he had a very rough childhood and it has left some scars, even though he can't let those scars rule his current life. Very tall order, but it can be done. I am relieved because I know he genuinely loves her and this has been a case of him not judging himself to "suck" at relationships.

    Do you think, then, that your Libran friend has the same issues of failing at relationships, rather than you? Be interesting to know ...

  • All I really know about his relationships is that he was in a 6 year relationship with a very jealous woman with a teenager that he helped raise, then some short 3-4 month relationships before that... so same as me 3-4 months in my younger days, a terrible 4 year relationship and a boring go no where 2 year relationship. I know he always feel like the outsider, in his family, when he was in school, and I have always felt that way too. I personally think he is far better at healthy relationships than I am because I only know them with lies and rejection and mind games. My therapist says it sound like a case of victim becoming the "abuser". What I did was pretty bad, it was a big secret and it's one that will effect him in many ways for a long time. It kills me to think I am the cause of so much pain. I think he has pushed all the good things out and is just hating me and feeling like I have ruined his live and disrespected the relationship and him in the worse way. 😞 I'm still on the fence if I should contact him this last time, and so soon... I just miss him terribly and am trying to be positive that he does still love me deeply somewhere in there. I never want to be around anyone all the time and he was the only one I couldn't get enough of. This relationship was the first time I felt like I had a true best friend and partner. I was just trying to hold on to him knowing it was wrong. It was totally selfish and I feel like he feels it is unforgivable.

  • If he does not try to contact you first, I wouldn't hope for much. Libra's are very good at turning off the emotion switch. They can take all sorts of abuse, but dishonesty seems to be the universal deal breaker.

  • I appreciate the male perspective. Bummer tho.

  • Spooky, he is licking his wounds; again another Libran trait. They can't stand to be lied to, hurt or accused and will sulk if any of those things happen.

    Don't take this is a personal failure, please! This man and his reaction are not indicators that you "suck" more at relationships than he does. It simply is telling you that you have not forgiven yourself for what you did (the secret that is) and cannot rationalise it either, hence him reacting the way he did. HE can't rationalise it himself (that you withheld something from him) and HE can't believe he was falling for someone who'd "do such a thing" (he must be perfect himself haha). His nose is out of joint, put simply.

    You are not responsible for his pain or hurt in any way here. You tried to be as honest as you were prepared to be and he threw it back in your face and has succeeded in making you feel like the guilty party all over again.

    You are human. Remember that. Whatever you might've done in the past is done now, and remains in the past. You are trying to repair the damage you feel you did. You need encouragement and support, not someone who sulks and disappears.

    You know what? I have no idea what you did exactly, but even if you were to tell me - and without knowing you more than five minutes over the 'net - I'd forgive you entirely because you are suffering enough remorse and self-flagellation over it which tells me you have a conscience. YOU NEED FORGIVENESS from yourself. And to regain faith in your own self, your ability to live well and love well.

    My HUGE message to you this time, then, is FORGIVE YOURSELF. You have already more than served out your "sentence".

    Hope this helps!



  • Moon, It helps a ton. You are right and are telling me all the same things my wonderful Cancer friend is telling me lol. This is something I have carried around and felt shame for for a long time. So I do need to forgive myself and not feel like that means that I don't care about what I did to him. The email is sent and I am happy it is out of my draft box :)... it felt freeing. I know this is not the end of the world, I am just feeling it is a terrible loss, as you have been able to tell. In the letter I reminded him that he DOES know me, that I have a good heart and that I am not someone who goes around messing with people I care about unless i feel I have no choice. Now, as you said it's up to him if he chooses to accept it for what it is or go further into his cave. Time will heal and time will tell. Thank you so much, you have helped a lot... I will let you know the outcome!

  • Please do, and I am very glad I've been of some help to you. By the way, I'm a Cancerian too 🙂

  • Just an update Moon, This relationship is a no go. On to the next chapter with a big lesson learned. Thank you for all your help 🙂

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