Signs That Your New (or old) Partner is Abusive
Very true Captain but many women i know in this day and age are actually the provider and all work and has a very well pay job.
What we do naturally as a Woman is to make endless excuses for our partner when he abuse us, this can be verbally abusive behavior or physical abuse.
We find reason for his behavior an bad treatment, we Woman cannot believe that the man that tells us so much how much he love us can just decide to abuse us with no reason or no bad doing from our part.
There must be a reason.
We listen to this, there is no reason that the reason he made in his mind,
This man that abuse you, put you down and mistreat you and make you feel bad and ugly his like this toward you because he SIMPLY decide to be that way with you
If you notice hi not behaving this way toward anyone else, his mother, his friends or boss because he knows he will loss out if act badly
his doing this to you because he feel IT'S his right to do so, you are his possession, his thing, he doesnt see you as someone separate from him or sometimes he doesnt even think you are a person
Some man mistreat you because our society give man the right to do so, to control woman but also woman found it normal for a man to start controlling them as a sign of love.
in this day and age, man still think woman are object mean to serve them and obei them.
some woman will do anything for a man love and attention too
At first sign of abuse ' Alarm bell" should be listen an see for what it is.
There is no love in man that abuse you, verbally or physically, No love at all even he say he love you, his action doesn't show this , words are easy to say but his action doesn't match what he say to you
This kind person man or woman are dangerous
you need to evaluate the situation in relationship and ask yourself
1.What does this man get from treat me this way?
2.Why he changed me from tell me when we first met i was wonderful and this and that to now destroying everything quality he liked about me. What did you changed or he simply reduce you to nothing so he can feel in control of you?
Make a list of everything is wrong and for all of you woman out there that defend the bad behavior of your man so strongly and find excuse for his every move, Ask yourself, is your excuse really make sense? did you manage to find the magical formula yet to use each time he abuse you, did you find the perfect excuse to excuse and dismiss all his abuse
as i can tell you, when you are in love it hurt like hell to see , that's it's not you, it's him
HE ABUSE YOU BECAUSE HE CHOOSE TO DO SO
he is not this way with anyone else
That truth never mind how you see it HURT.
Amazingly the rule doesn't work the same or man and woman, when a man has many lovers and cheat on his wife " we call him a champion' but if a woman do the same she get label to be a bitch.
The same if a man abuse a woman, especially verbally, people will say she cant take a joke but if woman get violent because she has enough of him provocate her and the way he disrespect her, she get label by other women and men an society as crazy, insane, need help, a bitch etc...
but if a man does it it's kind difficult before police, close friends, your girlfriends, his parents believe you and take you seriously.
Everyone seem to doubt you and pass you for someone too sensitive, over reacting and simply insane
the more you talk to this kind people the more you blame yourself for his doing and mistreatment toward you
the more you find it difficult to run
even the church and social and psychologist will tell you, it's you, you are not working hard enough to make things work
society find normal for woman to do the nurturing and take responsibility for the kid, house, the happiness of her husband when man are encourage to run down and find someone else, cheat, lie and be dishonest and beat their wife and children.
i kick back to my partner after 3 weeks of verbally abusive and bad treatment, and this went against me so open to more abuse from his friends, family and him, now i am the crazy one
never mind what a woman does it will go against her
if you don't have supportive people around that understand you my advice is make new friends and do not doubt yourself it's your feeling stand for them
it really seem men are allow and protected by society to abuse woman easily then a woman could, she will get label an control straight away
a strong woman usually will get put down not by man only but by other women too and first by other women before anyone else.
Number one priority is to realize that abuse is in NO WAY love. No one who really loves you would treat you with abuse.
Leaving a Relationship - The Direction of Happiness
by Madisyn Taylor
Leaving a relationship is hard but a necessary step to receiving what you want in your life. One of the hardest decisions we ever make in life is leaving a long-term relationship that just isn't working. When attempts at repairing and resolving issues aren't working, it may be time to examine moving on. We are emotional creatures, and when our heartstrings are tied to those of another, separating from that person can feel like an act of courage. It is not something most of us will take lightly, and many of us will struggle with our desire to stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling simply in order to avoid that pain. We may question whether the happiness we seek even exists, and we may wonder if we might be wiser to simply settle where we are, making the best of what we have.
On the one hand, we almost relish the idea that true happiness is not out there so that we can avoid the pain of change. On the other hand, we feel within ourselves a yearning to fulfill our desire for relationships that are vital and healing. Ultimately, most of us will follow this call, because deep within ourselves we know that we deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy, no matter where we find ourselves in this moment, and we are all justified in moving, like plants toward the light, in the direction that leads to our greatest fulfillment. First, though, we may need to summon the courage to move on from the relationship that is holding us back.
Taking the first steps will be hard, but the happiness we find when we have freed ourselves from a situation that is draining our energy will outshine any hardship we undergo to get there. Keeping our eyes trained on the horizon, we begin the work of disentangling ourselves from the relationship that no longer fits. Every step brings us closer to a relationship that will work, and the freedom we need to find the happiness we deserve.
Leaving a relationship is hard, is hard especially when your partner doesnt accept that you leave the relationship and refuse to face that his doing something bad to you, he will blame you for the things that goes wrong when you stay and blame you more and punish you when you leave.
What is hard is when you get confuse, when you start to believe a bite that maybe you are doing something wrong or you are not doing enough for the relationship to work
You may feel bad to leave
When you leave you start to remember when he was good and when thing was good and most the time when you leave your partner become nice and attentive again, you then start to wonder if you did not over react and just wondering if maybe there is something wonderful worth saving here and maybe you can try again.
Whatever you do your partner will balme you to leave him especially when he doesnt admit the abuse he CHOOSE to put you through his bad behaviour.
If you have issue my advice is pull away, take some time alone, go meet your friends and speak to them or [ Better go to speak to conseillor about it, even you and the guy havent been long together it doesnt matter]
Take time away from him to reflect, give yourself maybe 1 month away if you feel been abused but not sure what is really happening or you cant really give it a name.
In my situation what i found difficult when this kind issue happen is to be sure , between your feeling and what you think is happening
What i do is to not take a final decision about the issue or the blaming the person and i simply pull away and take time to think, feel and connect with myself
Whatever he say, he want to see me or his sorry, i need to look at thing from far , free from him and free from my romantic expectation with a man and this man
This will save your life as, first 2 weeks you will feel the pain to not be around him but then you look back and it's been 4 weeks and 4 weeks is very good as you start to really connect with what you want
during this time or any time away i advice you to do reach about what you feel about your relationship, dont just think and talk to friends, look around the net, bookshelf
open a dairy put there how you feel
do not think you are wrong or crazy
the guy i was with was master to try to make me weak so i will be under his control and the way some men will do this is by criticing you, saying you are crazy or not good on everything you use to feel good about or about things you did not even worry about
if you connect with yourself you feel your body getting intense when his around, you feel not easy with yoruself, you feel worry to be pretty or not be good enough in constant basic
some men will start flirting with other women in front of you to make you feel down and weak, it's not he is interested by those women he do it to hurt you, to show you his in control, to make you feel like you are not good enough etc..
if you live this wake away
if any of you still want to give a try to your relationship after all the abuse, then i really advice you to give yourself 1 month for short abuse and 3 to 6 months for long abuse or abuse that became phycial or very bad verbally abuse
the time you need doesnt matter, what matter is for you to remember who you are, sometimes we think we are connect and strong but sometimes we are lost and we have been damaged in daily basic and didnt know it
for the ladies that call themself strong and think they are strong, be careful as some of those women will not accept to give up on the relationship as they do not like to fail
and those ladies may attract partner/ man that will drop their whole life and problem on their shoulders are the man think., she is so strong, she work, she got the house so i can seat, make excuse to not have a job, take her money and beat her up if she complaint about anything or just tell her i will kill myself if she leave me.
so be smart, dont be a mother for your man, his a man not your kid,
If he out a hand on you never mind the excuse, his just not good for you, if you decide to stay ask yourself, What do you get to stay ?
You stay because you love HIM? well it's clear he doesnt love you?
You stay because you think you can change him, well i can tell you anyone else can change him but not you as he doesnt have any respect for you, if he did he will not call you names , kit you or do anything direspectful or dangerous to you.
Think about how much you have to pay and loss for that crazy need of love, this is not love
There is absolutley no love in man that CHOOSE to behave this way with you
The same for men that cheat, he doesnt love you, i dont care what excuse you got for his behaviour you just lying to yourself
Woman we get pressurise to have a man, we get pressurise to be this and that but the hell with all those people
Come on Live a bite for you.
Captain, I came across this thread and want to tell you this:
Firstly, this is a very valuable article for people to read. I left my ex husband three years ago, and though I batted away any possibility that he was abusive towards me, the truth slowly came to me that I had lived twenty-three years of my life being verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abused.
I am now with someone who is nothing like this at all, yet I feel tempted to level the same sort of treatment towards him sometimes, but bite my tongue! It's like I tamped down every piece of retaliation towards my ex, and now I want to vent it, but can't because my current man does not deserve one scrap of it. If I jokingly call him a name, like "dork", I immediately apologise because a dork he isn't.
He is very patient and tolerant, this man I have now. He knows how I feel about all this, and also knows the struggles I go through trying to control that buried "bad side" coming out, or at least, having it vent towards him.
Even looking back on my childhood, I was abused by my older sister (verbally) who undermined most things I did as a child, and made me want to hide. She seemed to want to play on every weakness I had. My mother - of course - was unaware of this until I told her some years ago.
My mother was the eternal peacemaker who abhored conflict of any sort. Suffice to say, when my sister levelled her acid tongue towards myself and my foster son, who was the bad guy? Not her, that's for sure!
My father also could be very insulting and degrading when I was a teenager. I was not perfect, and got a bit chubby around that age. He loved to make digs at things like, if I was lying on the floor, he'd say "oh, my legs aren't long enough to climb over that bottom", etc.
There is abuse and there is plain old mucking around and taking the p*ss out of one another. Jokes are fine. Sarcasm and criticism veiled by jokes are not. I grew up with the latter unfortunately.
Sometimes I have wished for physical abuse as a youngun, because bruises heal. Emotions take longer; much longer.
Still and all, any abuse is not okay.
I am now - at the tender age of 50 - seeing how all this has affected me, and how it could negatively affect the current relationship I have, if I let it. After all these years, I can't help but wonder: How long do these things have to keep affecting a person? The answer? Until that person lets it go.
Letting go is the hard part. I no longer have a relationship with my family, and I only talk to my ex when it relates to my daughter or son. Even then, I still feel myself feeling tense, and really dislike the effect he still has on me.
Soon, this will all be a memory that no longer has the ability to make me cry or feel bad about myself. One day soon.
Until then, I thank people l ike yourself for unselfishly helping people like me. I thank my current partner for just being who he is. I thank myself too, for having the courage to get out of situations that hurt or hindered me.
And one day too, I'll shake my own hand and genuinely pat myself on the back.
Thank you Captain!
Moon50, you cannot keep carrying your anger and sadness around with you, suppressing it instead of healing it. You need to vent it all, even if it means sitting down and writing a letter expressing your hurt to everyone whom you feel abused you. Otherwise, as you say, it will come out at people who don't deserve it. It will only become a bad memory and in the past if you release all the bad feelings at those who created it in you. If you still feel the hurt, it is not in the past but still with you in the present. They may never apologize to you for what they did but at least you can hand back the bad feelings that your abusers must have had for themselves (and thought they could pass on to someone else).
This I must do; very much agreed. I feel that I - and others like me/us - somehow carry the anger around like a trophy. I seriously dislike that thought, but why on earth else would we persist in not letting it go? Sadly though, my family (and my ex) don't think they did anything wrong at all; it was all me being "silly" and "over-reactive". Ah well ... the time is coming where all these issues must be gone.
I hope I'm strong enough to do it properly.
Thank you, yet again, Captain.
So, just out of curiosity: On the topic of yourself, who counsels the counsellor? Just wondering ...
Moon, I think you don't see the anger as a trophy so much, just that you don't recognize the bad feelings as belonging to other people rather than yourself - the ultimate "hand-me-downs' from your family and ex. This sort of thing unfortunately can be passed down for generations unless it is recognized and nipped in the bud.
And there are other wise friends here who I can turn to when I need help, thank goodness.
Thanks again Captain.
I'm glad you have others to turn to. It's a lonely existence offering help to others, without "soul-food" for yourself.
I was asked a similar question a couple of years ago, and you know, I had to think hard about who counselled me!! There was no-one really then, but things have improved in that respect over time.
Reaching out is hard for the healer/helper sometimes isn't it?
I'd like to add something here, running on from the Captain's post of "leaving a relationship".
It is hard, very hard indeed. Especially when there are 20+ years to consider and children, regardless of how old they are.
When I left my ex in 2009, it had taken me nearly ten years to do it. We had a biological daughter, and had taken in a foster boy of 13 in 2004. The first year of separation was a high old time for me. I had a new house and new job to settle into, and that took my mind off a lot of what I'd left behind.
this year, after nearly 18 months of being with my new partner, I've found myself going back - l ike star2u said - and remembering the good times and missing my ex and THE COMFORT OF BEING CONTROLLED. Yes, I missed him taking control of everything! Strange, but true.
It is tiring taking the steering wheel of your life at times. You wish someone else could steer for you, but you know it isn't possible if you want to maintain your own personal power. My current partner is always there for me when I feel doubtful and I am lucky for that. He never exerts his opinion over mine, merely suggests what he thinks may work, and then follows it up by saying: "you'll be okay". And I believe him. If I want or need his help, it is offered.
So yes, leaving is hard to do. But those of us who have taken that step, need to remind ourselves constantly WHY we left rather than focus on missing old times.
As the Captain said in her last post to me, carrying around old anger until it almost feels like it's yours can be the killer. I hadn't thought it was actually the anger of my family and ex that had become my "trophy".
Can we put those "trophies" on a shelf to gather dust where they should be? Of course we can!
In remembering that the way another person acts is their choice and no result of what we have done or said ourselves is sobering and comforting in its own way.
So our trophy needs to be one that has engraved on it: "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE DONE IT!"
We need to stop berating ourselves for leaving situation/s that kept us back; for worrying about how we hurt such and such. they will survive without us and are, truth be told. Probably better than we are.
Guilt needs to be thrown out with the garbage, piece by piece, every day. Guilt kills.
That's how abusive partners work - they make you feel you are so useless and helpless without them. And they abuse you until you believe it too. In truth, they are the weak insecure ones who need to control others to boost their fragile egos.
Agreed Captain. Often I wonder how my ex's new partner is faring. I haven't had much to do with her, but liked her straight off when I met her. My daughter tells me she doesn't take much of his crap and tells him "there's no need for that" if he goes too far. I just keep hoping that she is strong enough; that maybe, for her sake, my relationship with him was toxic and brought out the worst in both of us and that now he may be in a place where things are right for him, if you know what I mean. It's funny, but I worry more about how SHE is than him, because one thing I learned about my ex, is that he'll ALWAYS end up the winner, as such. We'll see ...
Good post. Partnership and relationships, even co-workers. I can relate to remarks that are thrown out (verbally.) I know the warning signs, need help in deflecting, I guess. Any thoughts. Thanks.
When I first let go it was tough but the trade off is the FREEDOM and I have to say it's so worth it. In the letting go or prior to it it's hard to imagine the space and alone time to feel good there is a loss there... but it's like watching a nature program and recognizing the beauty vs actually being on a mountain and feeling the BEAUTY and SPACE and just awesomeness. It's hard to describe and it's just something you can't know till you let go.
Daliolite, nasty remarks only hurt us if we take them personally. If these remarks didn't somehow resonate with you, there would be no problem. But deep down inside you, you take them to heart and wonder if they could be true. It speaks to a lack of confidence in yourself. If you truly loved and believed in yourself, nothing bad anyone said could shake your faith that you are a good and worthy person. Nastiness bounces off a truly balanced and secure person.
Don't agree. nastiness can cause a lot of problems. It's ok to ignore but not if it causes problems. Talking about lies and slander. Sometimes just better to leave a bad situation.
But you can't keep on running away - that means the offending party wins and you lose a bit more self-respect.
I'm basing on my experiences that the offending party can win. Does that mean I'm insecure. Often times when people act-out they are the insecure ones. I actually see having the strength to move-on as a strength, not a weakness. I've done it a few times in life. Am I worried that maybe someone else won a fight that they started--no. Have I lost anything along the way--no. Things have a way of working out. Faith is believing in ones self. I've never doubted. Sometimes wish that BS would end. Think that comes w/age though.
But Daliolite, running away rom one situation only results in spirit sending you the same type of experience over and over again until you learn to stay and handle it.