Signs That Your New (or old) Partner is Abusive
A lot of people quite naturally live in fear of the past repeating itself after having been through one or more abusive relationships. (You may even be in one now.) But rather than hiding yourself away and never having another relationship, you can learn to tell right from the start if your new potential partner is a good man (or woman) or an abuser. The safest person in the world is the one who is aware of the people and situations around them, refusing to romanticize life and love until they have proved themselves worthy of trust and hope. That is not to say you should become jaded and cynical, just more cautious and realistic. Those who hide away in fear only attract that which they fear. Being alert can help to alleviate the fears you may have of someone new turning on you. Being proactive about your choices in relationships will reassure you and strengthen your belief in your ability to protect yourself from harm.
Are you aware of the signs of violence to look for in a potential new partner? A sign of an abusive person can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions, and do some investigating into their past. These signs all involve some level of control mentally, emotionally, and physically/sexually.
If your date has a quick temper, is overly controlling, wants your attention to be exclusive, these are red flags. Know also that abuse comes in many forms, and even mild abuse almost always escalates as time goes on. A skilled abuser can easily make you think you aren’t good enough or that everything is your fault. Verbal abuse in the form of cursing and name-calling, making statements and labels that corrode your self-esteem - all these should be off limits. No matter what you do, an abuser throws doubt your way. "You're not a good enough lover. Your hair isn't quite right. You can't speak intelligently." On a regular basis, he chips away at your ego, making you feel inferior. If it happens once, it will happen again. If someone is telling what to wear, how to act, where you can or cannot go and who you can or cannot see, this is emotional abuse. So is withholding affection. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won’t leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy and will usually not seek help because he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. Empty promises become the norm for him. His mood will usually switch from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving, or blaming you for making him behave badly, after the abuse has occurred.
Another sign your new boyfriend is a domestic abuser is that he hates your family. He tries to turn you against them and keep you away from family functions. Your guy also conveniently forgets to pass on messages he takes over your phone. He may also think other women are stupid and worthless, showing no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any female in his life. Jealousy and possessiveness over your family, friends, or co-workers are big warning signs he is an abuser. He may try to isolate you or view 'his' woman and children as his property, instead of as unique individuals. He may accuse you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause or will always ask where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner. He will be overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention.
Financial abuse can be described as someone else demanding to be in charge of all the money, including yours. No one should tell you how you can or cannot spend your money and time, especially if you are not yet in a committed relationship, such as those who are in the earlier stages of getting to know one another.
When a person grabs you in anger, squeezes, hits, rapes or otherwise physically harms you deliberately, you know that is abuse. There are more subtle signs, though, usually before things like that happen that act as warning signs. Someone who is cruel to others, say children or animals, someone who kicks over a chair or punches a wall in anger is likely someday to turn on you with the same kind of behaviour. He may have a past history of abuse. A leopard rarely changes his spots without extra help (and a court summons). Males who physically hurt women often struggle with this major flaw until death. For this reason, if your sweetheart tells you stories about how he went to jail for attacking another woman, you'll probably be next. Of course, the clearest danger sign is if he has already hurt you. Don't accept a bunch of excuses after your boyfriend's hit you. He didn't just have a bad day. You didn't do anything to provoke him. No, it wasn't the alcohol or job stress. A man who can physically attack you won't stop unless he gets help. Then, even afterward, he still might slip back into old, bad habits.
Conversely, the new man or woman may seem too perfect. A person who seems too good to be true probably is hiding a secret. One sign that your new friend is a domestic abuser is that he or she falls into this category. Their home is spotless, hair always in place, and personality - straight out of a romantic soap opera. The only problem is that, when they snap, they go berserk. If you're afraid of your new friend, heed the inner warning, even if it seems irrational. Fear is a sure sign that your new friend is a domestic abuser. Although they may not have laid a hand on you, their mannerisms - speech and movement - somehow make you feel afraid. Without them saying a word, you can feel they want to hit you.
So listen to your gut instincts early in any relationship - put aside your emotional needs and become objective, at least until you are sure the new friend is a trustworthy person. If something just plain feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Make sure you pay attention to your new friend's actions and not merely their words. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.”
Yet abusive relationships may not be obviously abusive in the beginning. If they were, people would dump the abusers immediately in search of a good partner. So stay alert, even if you think it's love. If you experience any of these warning bells, leave. Most people choose to see the best side of someone they like, and explain away the unsavory behaviors, because they crave love and attention. But we all need to listen to our intuitions when it comes to relationships. If we don't or won't do that, then we must at least be aware of the danger signs of an abusive person and learn how to choose the best life partner. Because that is how we love ourselves.
Excellent post Capt thank you!!! this will help many people. Hopefullly they will heed the warning signs
Is overly "protective" and tries to make you paranoid about the least little things. Tells you stories, made-up or not, about places you go or people you've just met to make you wonder if it is safe.
Seeks out and befriends family and acquaintances that they know you have a problem with. When the subject is discussed, tries to make you feel you are trying to control them.
Tells you to calm down when you are already calm.
Tells you to stop yelling when you haven't raised your voice.
Always agrees to shared responsibilities but never follows through on theirs and picks apart the way you do yours.
As a ploy to make you doubt yourself, they will tell you things and then deny saying them. Yeah, it's a lie but it's more than that. You're having problems remembering things. You're losing it. You need to pay attention. They always tell the 'lie' in private but the denial comes when someone else is around, who of course, back them up. Helping them unawares.
You see them lie, cheat and treat everyone else like they are dumb as a box of rocks, and they try to make you believe that they would never do YOU like that because you're special.
Will do things that you enjoy but generally sucks the life out of it so it's not something that you want them to do again. Then acts like it hurts their feelings that you want to go alone or with someone else.
Physical abuse is easy to spot. Emotional and psychological abuse is all about subtlety. Not only is it harder to spot, it is also very hard to explain. There is rarely a single event, just lots of little things that add up over time. Once the picture comes together and everything 'clicks', it is still hard to believe because the seeds are planted and the doubt is within.
It IS all about you. Believe in yourself. Believe in your strength. Anyone who tries to take that, in any way, shape, or form, is not someone you want to have around.
speaking from too much experience on this subject,its a hard pill to swallow as a strong sagittarius woman that you are being abused. speaking only for me i thought that i could fix this man,that all he needed was someone to stand by him and show him that there was such a thing as a good ,healthy supportive relationship.so,i withstood and ignored all the warning signs,startin with subtle things and progressively turning extremely violent and potentially life threatening situations. it was very hard to admit defeat ,so to speak, I FELT LIKE A FAILURE!!!!! how quickly one of my most positive traits,nuturing, turned out to be one of my biggest downfalls regarding him. i actually wrote to this forum 2 years ago and it helped a great deal to be supported by seemingly strangers. anyway found the strength to leave him and slowly getting back to me,we must not punish the whole male species for the unforgivable actions of a few . but by no means ever put your self worth and dignity to the side for the sake of anothers feelings. believe me if they put their hands or harsh words upon you they will gain power and systematically destroy your self esteem. kudos captain you are very wise, i only wish there had been preventive measures out there when i was hurting..listen well ladies
People automatically think men are the abusers , unfortunately that is not always true . No matter which case it should be someone has to make a move and leave or get help . People do not realise how quickly someone can get hurt intentional or otherwise ,once it's done it's done you can't take it back . Pray for abused and the abuser ,pray that they don't hurt anyone else .In Gods name.
sorry to all the good men out there, and to vagabondmystic you are very right, i was merely caught up in my own story which involved man on woman abuse ,but absolutely woman are also very capable of the same kinds of behaviors
Great topic and a serious one, especially in relationship where some will not think that abuse will happen.
I met a guy few months ago and in never really lived an abusive relationship , i thought abusive relationship was someone hitting you or something but what i lived was more damaging but i just could not put a name on it, on what i was living
It was hard as i felt my whole body in pain and burning me when that guy was speaking to me, i felt so angry and i tried to explain it to other people mainly his friends but they did not see anything wrong with him, especially because he was only doing this when i was alone with him, in his house
looking on the internet i found a name to what he was doing to me
it was called " Verbally Abusive relationship"
The name calling, the put down, the labeling, the blaming,
what was the most hurtful was the dismissal of my own feeling when i tried to explain to him the way he was behaving with me was hurtful to me
he will deny it and say it's all in my mind but i realize its not for him to tell me how i feel inside my own body and it's not to him to design and define my sense and perception for me
Abuser first put you out balance with yourself by doing something or put you in situation of doubt of yourself
in one hand they tell you, they love you so much and this is why they are this way with you and in other way they are breaking you inside in daily basic , slowly and gradually
when they feel they are losing out, they come back to their good side
when you try to resolved the issue with them and try to sort thing out,
they will tell you an convince you that "Yes, they want to make think better and want to hear you" then you start speaking and then they keep cutting you off or finishing your sentence for you, making it very difficult for you to explain yourself or hearing your own voice.
[ some abuser to not see you as someone separate of them, especially if they think they are in love with you, they think they know you well as you are just like them, they can read your mind as you just think like them. they do not think you are someone else, your own self. usually the abuse will happen with them not because they want to abuse you but it's when they realize you are actually someone else, another individual. the abuser do not like that as he believe you are and extension of him and how dare you be someone else. Its kind funny really but some of them see it this way. Some of them ever get jealous of your children, the time and attention you give to them.]
They will try to convince you that you did not understand what they meant and you are taking it too seriously and you are stupid, idiot, crazy [ you just open up more abuse from this person]
The abuser is convince that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them and what you are saying about them or the situation
it's you really that got a problem and his kind enough to ever listen to you talking about something that is not happening
they can be good to make you doubt yourself
the abuser will slowly tell you what to wear, how to think and what to eat, it's all for your own good [ they know better and they know you better, they are absolutely right]
I left my abuser on first day we met and he start doing this to me
after he invited me to a engagement party of his friend, he brought his ex with him to pick me up [ this brought so much pain to me i felt used ]
he took me to his town and met all his friends and family, abuser are good to show you a clear and perfect image of themselves
[ Another sign you are involved with an Abuser, he will be very quick to get you in IT, what i mean he will be quick to rush think, talking about marriage, moving together, getting common things together, very quickly]
i was far from home, i never been to this town, all was ok until we got to his parents house where he lived
what save me from this situation is when he was speaking to me, he always use to call me stupid or cut me off or changing what i was saying
It was not clear really what was happening
but i manage to feel my body hurting, i was hurt and on top every time i try to sort out that hurt i could not find support i find [ abuse and name calling]
i had to remember who i was and what i done in my life and what i have, i have 5 houses i got on my own, i have a well paid job and 3 business [ so who is this guy to call me stupid????] i told myself this not right an it's not true i am not stupid, this guy just met me and he doesnt respect me already.
he put me in situation of pain and now calling me names because i am trying to explain myself
i then looked at him and [who are you?] [ his 30 years old / still living at his parents house, he drive a old car and never left home, his parents pay everything for him , he doesn't ever do his own laundry and there this guy calling me stupid.]
i said to myself no, this guy is just abusing me and he is putting his own insecurity into me, i need to get out of here and i left
[ To all of you out there, there is absolutely no love in woman or man that treat you this way, no love at all. We stay for love and doubt for love but this is no love. How can someone love you verbally abuse you or hit you, there is no love here]
He still pursuing me until this day, very hard/ telling me all kind things, when he see nothing he say works he then start names calling and saying all kind things
Abusive relationship do not start with Violence and sometimes there is no kick or punch at all for years but Verbal Abuse stay in your mind, kill your spirit and destroy who you are and your life in general, it make you feel drain, ugly and live in pain with the person you think you love.
this events lasted 2 weeks and after it i got sick for 3 weeks as i felt weak
Woman do it too
I feel people that do this are very insecure people that need to feel in control and powerful in order to feel they got you
They need to be needed, that need is very strong in them and they need to feel in control of you and your life to feel that you are going to need them and not leave them
whatever you do, if you dont build up a boundary with the person from the start when you notice him or her stepping too much on your life then they wont change later
saying no, this is my space here, i like you but this is my life, my decision to make
if he doesn't get that and get abusive in anyway, don't go back whatever he can sign or dance for you later as worst will be waiting for you if you return.
One thing about Abusive relationship is , Yes we need to look at the person and what he does and leave if it's very bad but we also need to look at ourself , especially if you stayed for a very long time with the person like that and came back many time
Remember the law of attraction " attract like but dont think i am saying you are deserving of this kind person, its not what i am saying
i am saying sometimes be too desperate to find Love can be dangerous and not good
you need to know who you are and what you want in your life and from a man and a woman
dont just accept what is happening or accept who want you or who you think you are in love with and accept all that this person are doing to you
Most abuse are not physical at all so be aware
When you love someone, it can be so easy to excuse and justify bad behavior and believe the criticism
it can be easy stay because the relationship look challenging/ attractive for some and to try harder because you remember when his good his very good
and you forgot and erase when his bad with you
this goes also for partner to keep "Cheating on you" , Cheating can be counted as "Abusive" in many ways
but some excuse all that
i say try to remember who you are when it's tough and the dream you had before meeting this person in your life
What was the dream, i am sure you did not dream to be abused or cheated on. so remember who you are and trust yourself.
Yes, many people cover up the fact that they are an abuser. My own father was loved and admired by his friends and mother, yet he beat and verbally abused his wife and bullied his children in private. He never showed this side to the world and everyone thought he was a wonderful fellow. He would make a public show of handing his paypacket every week over to his wife while his workmates looked on in awe and admiration, little realizing the paypacket was empty and that he gambled, saw other women, and drank his money away while my mother had to go out to work to pay the bills and feed his children. When he died, not one of his friends at his funeral would believe us that he had been cruel and unstable, with several mistresses on the side. Thus my mother could get no help because no one believed her husband was abusive. Everyone ignored the subtle signs that he was an abuser, because it would have been too uncomfortable for them to really look at what he was, in case they felt they should do something.
Please don't put up with abuse - whether it is you or someone else.
I agree, dont put up with it, amazingly many people put up with it because they first was sold an image of someone very caring, sweet and charming then this change but they will make excuse when the person is abusive that this is just a short time and it's not the real person
it take people years to come out with such relationship, year or never
i was very touch by this video on Youtube
Excellent post Captain.Sorry to hear abt yr father.My father n husband are similar in this way and I learnt the hard way that the only way to stop abuse is to fight back real hard.
I have also noticed that not only is the root of the problem in low self esteem, but also that this pattern repeats itself unless one puts an end to it consciously. I only ever have attracted abusive and controlling men. I guess the lesson here is to learn to love oneself enough.
Thanks fr posting this
Low self esteem is the big issue for both, one need to remember that you cannot change the other person, never mind much how much you love them
the person need to want to change themselves, the same goes for people you are friend with and see they are in abusive relationship and you keep advising them and they dont seem to listen to you.
One need reliased that maybe by you standing your ground and walk away, you may have brought a waken to the other person, sometimes they really dont see their behaviour as an issue and dont full understand your pain.
Moving on and changing doesnt take time but it take awakening
once you see the real face of your monster you cannot deny it anymore
sometimes you realised that you got a monster too that like the other monster of your partner. If this makes sense
when its wise to look who is your friend, it's also fair to that a good look at your life and the pattern that you are doing too
but whatever the issue there is no fair reason for someone to abuse you, it's not your fault
get out of it and then work on you to be better and work on your happiness
don't stay because you feel not good with yourself
don't stay because you feel guilty or feel responsible for someone else behavior.
save yourself and the universe will help you.
Abusers can only be successful if you believe the bad things they tell you about yourself. Recognize that these are just lies designed to keep you as their victim. Love yourself enough to get out of a bad relationship. Better to be alone than with someone who abuses you because that is not love, no matter how much you may tell yourself it is.
Yes, tottally agree. Sadly some people only act on what they want to see and believe. If the guy or girl say i love you blah blah and then kick you or put you down because he say or she say i love you few time it most be ok, NO it's not
Seriously now, when you dont know what you worth , you fall for anything that show you attention and those people out there called ABUSER they kind know this and recongnise this because hey they somehow like you
the only difference is for a while they make you believe they are your savior, your maker , your prince but then when you try to fly on your own, they panic you may leave them and find someone better so they then start to beat you down and tell you they hte everything they first love about you
i wanted to ask through as come on, we still dealing with human being here and i believe no one are born evil
How can we help this kind people, i know the solution is to run but what if you dont want to run and HELP, does anyone got some advice about that?
Not for me but surely it's not all to run, those people that are abuser they were not born this way, ever they are from a abusive home or they met someone that got them this way or they just full of insecurity in life
so how can anyone help if it's possible to do so?
Yes often an abuser comes from an abusive home but still this is no reason to continue the pattern of abuse. An abuser has to acknowledge that they need professional help and seek it. But often they convince themselves they are in the right, that it is their victim's fault for angering them. If help is not sought, the situation always ends badly.
This is a good topic Captain. I'm glad you posted it. I have a variety of abusive family and relationship experiences myself and I'd like to add that sometimes it's more than a case of childhood abuse experience being perpetuated. The dynamic of an abusive family can go on well after the children are in adulthood with their own relationships and children. This makes it difficult to resolve because the roots of the problem are still very much at play. Abusers, even as adults, may still be the abused. A complicated double-whammy made even harder to come to grips with as the fuel continues to be put on the emotional fire.
My tip for anyone who is starting to feel that there is abuse at play in their relationship is to seriously evaluate your partner's family relationships. If there was or is abusive behavior among his/her family, then you probably really are seeing a continuing pattern of this with your partner. You might also judge how bad it can get by the level of abuse going on within your partners family, on in it's history. As the saying goes, "the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree". We learn to be who we are from our upbringing.
I absolutely agree with you Captain, the patterns can be broken, but as you say, only by an individual's awareness of the problem and a genuine desire to change. Same goes for those who stay involved with the abusers. Star2u is a great example of recognizing the simple fact that no matter what the reason, no one has to subject themselves to abuse. Thanks for sharing your story Star, it's very inspiring. Based on my experience Star, you can only help these people by supporting their desire to change. Until they make that decision for themselves, you really can't help them and you risk damaging yourself emotionally by trying. Counterintuitive to think that if you want to help that it wouldn't bring some good to the person, but the reality is, they will simply take advantage of that help because, as the Captain points out, they don't see that they even have a problem. I've learned in my own experiences that your energies to help are lost on them. I agree, I don't think abusers mean to be evil, I simply think it's a biproduct of conditioning. A chain of behavior patterns that get passed along. Only thing you can do is steer clear of it in the first place, which is why I think this is a very helpful topic Captain. Good reminders here for everyone.
It can take a lot of people having the courage to speak up against the abuser for the abuser to realize they are in the wrong, that they are perpetuating something evil that was done to them. If noone speaks out, the abuse and the pattern goes on. Families often support the abuser, unfortunately, because deep down they know it was them who created 'the monster'.
Yes, i understand. I noticed through my life that actually people that behaved Abusively did not see they behavior abusive at all . it's like this is the only behavior that they know and lived in their life. especially the young one
they imitate what they learn with parents. thy parents may have been behaving this way at home between them and the child learn this as a normal environment to be.
If you always have been eating salad all your life how can you know it's maybe bad for you if you use to it?
YOU LEARN WHAT YOU LIVE.
In the bible its say: Forgive them for what they dont know what they are doing.
i was in great pain with someone that abused me once and i was about to walk away and drop it and those words came to me from the deep.
I managed to leave my own need for a minute and to help with my heart, help with unconditional love
i helped this person by getting him help , i am not sure how it happen really but i managed to help about putting me there in middle to be hurt if that makes sense
this person know is changing
i dont know how t explain but this happen to me a lot
I meant many healer that told me oi was a soul rescuer and each experience i lived, felt like i was pulling someone from hell
i know you guys maybe think she crazy but it is that way
i left my parents at age 10, my mum was drinking and i was in danger, i left , i decided to take my own life in my hand in that age
since i went trough many things but i keep meeting people that are not awake, you think they are but they are not
Gd exist but so evil and evil take your soul when you are not here, not awaken, not aware
when you live your life in anger, resentment, pain, fear you are not yourself
i am not trying to make excuse for the people we call Abuser i know the difference but we need to see no one is born evil , we are children of God
Of course when we meet someone there is a reason for it but something we cannot help this person directly.
and sometimes by walking away from this person is the best way maybe to help
In my situation this not the case, i can help its here with me, a waken light, my name mean light and wen i speak to people they say they see things in another light
I dont see i did anything special really but they feel good so that's OK for me but each time i gave up someone that was bad without looking at the CHILD inside of them, i must say i fail them greatly
The Child inside this is the one people need to heal, if that child still scared, broken, angry or hurt , your adult will be an abuser and he will bring his hell with him.
You know your own strength , if you can face this person and it's killing you, walk away straight up. his problem is not you, his problem started long before you came to his life.
I always ask people to look at themselves when they have issue because we all bring our issues with us when we enter a relationship, some blame their issue on us but its never us the source of their issue but them.
they need to be awaken and leaving them especially if you have children maybe the kick they need and maybe living separately is the solution is the abuser cannot awaken.
You can live great pain all your life but from the moment you awaken , you find light, then you find forgiveness and then you find peace the great gift of all
peace inside is something amazing to experience, especially when you been suffering for so many years.
Your pain is your teacher and the lesson is to let go and forgive and find peace.
Thank you for starting this posting. The information is invaluable. My husband was physically & emotionally abusive. It was very subtle at first so hard to understand what was happening.
Getting supportive help & trusting others to help you is important.......its not you ...keep saying that in your head to drown out the voices of self doubt
you know its amazing really when you deal with someone that abuse you they have this thing they doing to you that automatically attack "Who you are" and make you" doubt yourself"
in one hand they smile at you with full of charm and care and with the other they stable you and it's like dealing with magician that put a brilliant show in front of you
They are robbing you of yourself in front of you and you cant see it
When you deal with them, you feel that deep and painful Guilty like you have not done enough or you are bad but you are not bad its them, they got a problem and they pushing their inner issues on you
When thing are confusing and hard to figure out, stepping out and taking time on your own to think is essential, whatever you are facing, that you have someone to speak with or not
you need to figure this out and your best friend is your sense, feel in you the situation and the person and you will know
if it doesnt feel right, dont find excuse for it
if he tells you it's all in your mind then be it, it's your mind , you need to honor it
if something doesnt feel right it usually is not right.
you dont know when you going to meet an abuser or if you are already with one or you can become one yourself
one thing i want to say is you have the power to change your life
yes, there is abuser but if you are an adult woman or man that can leave then your life is in your hand
abuser or no abuser in your life, we can blame thing on other and sometimes they are justify but we also need to remember that when we know things are not right we , and only can change our life and only can hurt our self
when an abuser can take control of our life is because we have somehow allow this person to do so
when an abuser physically or verbally abuse us is because we somehow have allow it to happen, i am not saying its always this way but somehow when we feel fear in the deep of our skin, we feel powerless and anything can happen to us
we are never powerless, we can get what we need in our life if we know what we want from it
When you have a controlling spouse or partner, one that withholds all the money, it can be hard for you to escape since you are financially dependent on your abuser. (Like my mother was). Whatever you can do to put aside a little of the grocery or bills money or whatever small 'allowance' you are given, do so, so that eventually you will be able to get away. Seek some sort of help. You must make a plan - don't just resign yourself to your fate, hoping your abuser will change. And in this day and age, women should have their own bank accounts where they can put aside a little money for 'emergencies'.