So confused! Not sure where I'm going right now :-/
After all of the failed relationships I've experienced, I've finally met a man that treats me the way I should be treated. He's sweet, he's caring but.... as of the 31st of this month it will be a year, we live together and everything and I still can't bring myself to say "I love you" and I keep coming across sad memories of bad relationships from the past. I can't even say whether I'm in love with him or not! I have love for him but I don't believe I'm in love with him. I honestly can't put my finger on exactly HOW I feel about him. Sometimes I get so annoyed or angry over little things - or maybe they're not so little? I don't know, but when I think about my future with him, like, whether I would marry him - for once in my life I cannot picture it at all whatsoever. He's such a good man but I get so frustrated over financial reasons, pet peeves and so on. Just recently I learned that an "old flame" that I tried to work things out with in my life twice is now in a relationship with someone. I don't even know the woman, yet she commented on a facebook status of his from back in 2009 that I had commented on, almost as a direct blow to me to make it obvious that they're together. At first it seemed so childish ad I kinda laughed to myself thinking.... really? Are you threatened by me for some reason, to the point where you feel the need to "poke" at me?? HA! Then it really started to bother me. It brought back old memories, like the pain I felt when things started to really go sour, up to when I finally had just "lost it" and moved on. What if's and maybe's started to fill my head and I kept thinking to myself, why am I wasting the energy to bother thinking about this?! Ugh I don't know. I don't even know what rought me back to this forum to say anything at all, I guess I'm just waiting for someone to feel a connection to me an feel compelled to give me an answer to this junk going on in my head. I feel withdrawn, like I don't have feelings at all anymore sometimes... like I'm on autopilot. I don't know what to do with my life at all at this point. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to just know what the hell I should be doing here on this earth and who the hell is out there for me if there's someone else even out there. Have I found him? Is this the life I'm supposed to have? What cards are being dealt for me out there? When am I ever going to have a clue?? I just don't know but I'm tired of feeling a fire burning inside and not knowing which direction the wind is blowing to spread it! SO confused. If anyone out there has some sort of insight or message for me, Im here. Again!
If this helps, my bday is February 13, 1984. Born in Passaic, NJ @ 12:41 am. He was born in Philadelphia, PA, March 5, 1983. Not sure what time.
And that's another thing! I was adopted and I've finally made the decision to try to find my biological mother and I have no idea whether that's a good idea or not. Is this something I should go through with? I'm a mess. I've been battling an identity crisis for years inside but to the outside world I'm such a unique person, if I were to tell someone that I know that sometimes I don't know who I am, they'd laugh at me and never take me seriously. I feel like I'm 2 different people in 1 body. I can't seem to make my mind up about anything, ever. :0( :0(
Actually, he may have been born in Trenton, NJ but I'm prettty sure it's Philly. Anything to say about someone that was in my life born September 12, 1982 in Philadelphia, PA? I was told by Joseph Tittle some time ago that I was going to meet a man in a bar with tattoos and a son and he saw marriage in the near future. That was 2-3 yeats ago. Perhaps this hasn't happened yet or I screwed up a path somewhere along the way? Wtf is wrong with me? lol. Hoping someone has an answer forme out there cuz I've been searching within for QUITE some time and i'm not coming up with ANYTHINNNNG :0(
watergirl18 last edited by
Hi Joyous -
There is a whole bunch of stuff swirling around you right now and it is all connected although you probably cannot see that from your perspective at the moment. There is also a lot of "gunk" around your heart chakra that needs to be cleared out. Old baggage - disappointments, hurts, even unresolved anger. It's actually all being brought to the surface right now which is why you feel so out of sorts. Soooooo,
First of all, I would put the issue of whether or not this is the right relationship for you on the shelf for the moment. Reason being - I think you have gotten yourself to a point where you are not able to receive. Which means that this could possibly be a great relationship for you, but you just can't open yourself up to it at the moment. So don't do anything drastic where he is concerned for right now.
Not being able to receive is connected to this past relationship. It is no coincidence that the facebook comment issue has come up at this time. Like I said - lots of stuff swirling around you that is bringing you to a certain place internally. Your past relationships - especially this recent ex - if you really give it some thought will have an underlying theme. My gut tells me that they all were emotionally unavailable in some way or just unavailable in an obvious way (other relationships or commitments). This last guy I remember you had a strong need to "fix" him - with the belief that if he would just allow you to fix/heal him then everything would be wonderful, right? If he would just ALLOW you to love him...ACCEPT your love... then he would be healed and he in turn could then be free and able to provide you with what you needed.
You tackled a big part of your growth and healing by realizing you had to walk away from him - something to give yourself a huge pat on the back for. And then comes along a man who treats you the way you should be treated. Only you are feeling emotionally blocked to be able to accept his love. This is telling you that there is something within you that needs to be healed. This ex you still think of was just a mirror of your wound and you were subconsciously reaching out to men that would magnify the wound so that it could be healed. At some deep level you do not feel worthy of love. So first that led you to seek out men who would not love you in return and now that you moved away from that you are unable to receive that love from another who is openly offering it to you.
So this inclination you have to seek out your birth mother is also another nudge in the healing direction for you. This feeling of not being worthy of love is connected to this issue of feeling abandoned or unloved by your mother. It makes no logical sense, but a child will think that it was because there was something wrong with them - something innately unloveable about them. Once again, this could be completely subconscious, but I think at some level you know this which is why you want to find her. I do think you should begin this search as it is part of the process of your healing. Regardless of whether there is a happy or unhappy reunion or even if you do not find her, it will lead you down the path of opening and healing this wound.
Hope this helps, sweetie.
Joyous - wow I could've written all that except the adoption part myself!!! Was your past guy a narcississt? They will really really mess with your reality. I love what Watergirl said - that we are just unable to receive and therefore can't judge the relationships we're in....
all of it, the financial the nit picks, etc. I have that after being with Mr. Lowkeyed and Nice from Mr. Charisma Big! .....
and I don't know what I feel either. I have love, but boy do I miss the drama, the in love, the sparks, the chemistry - the hatefullness and superiority, not so much, lol....
Anyway, I wish you love and luck on your path and wanted to say Hello! I have the same thing, a kind of shy introverted inner me and a very outgoing sunshiney outer me; it's weird, and I agree it goes back to childhood. And it really confuses my good friends, smile...
So just know that time will change things somehow - or not - and I believe you will know when to make a committment or a goal, and when the time is right you will!
(Hi, Watergirl - hope all is well and your life is back in order? if you see this - ((hugs))!)