You CAN be a complete person without a mate
You know how it goes in the books or movies - the demure little reed-thin heroine leans across and whispers breathlessly to the handsome muscular man standing beside her "You complete me!" How romantic, how dreamy, and what a load of old bollocks! That archaic notion is straight out of Hollywood - and a complete and utter myth.
If you are looking for a relationship to complete you or make you happy and fulfilled, boy are you barking up the wrong tree. You don't need anyone to make you a whole person - that is all within your own power and responsibility. It's so wrong to expect anyone else - lovers, family, friends, colleagues, children, pets - to provide you with everything you feel you are missing inside when you have it within you to heal or create everything you feel is lacking in your life. No one else is here to do the work for you of changing your life for the better. That is too much to ask of anyone else. As you discover how to be a whole and complete person within, you will live happily ever after with or without a partner. Oh yes!
So many of us feel a tremendous sense of relief when we meet someone we think we could be with forever. Oh, now all our troubles are over, we tell ourselves, from now on we will be happy and fulfilled for the rest of our lives. We can stop and rest because we have found someone who will fulfill all our needs and desires. This is what we were missing! We are no longer the odd one out amongst our friends and families. We are now normal, hitched up, no longer the dreaded 'single' person, or alone. Love. Soulmate. The One. Relationship. Marriage. Eternal Bliss. All is Well. Sigh!
But no - something is wrong. After the initial blind bliss has passed and reality sets in, we discover that something is still missing in our lives, and worse - our partners seem to expect us to fulfill and complete them, giving them everything they need to be happy. But, ah, weren't they supposed to do that for us?
Shock, horror! We discover we can still feel alone and unhappy and unfulfilled even when we are with someone. We bought into the myth of society portraying singlehood as some sort of a disease, rather than a perfectly fine state in itself. Because of this, singlehood for us became a topic associated with desperation. We ran ourselves ragged trying to find 'the One". We thought about it every day, every time we saw loving couples, watched a romantic movie, every time we saw or heard about our friends getting attached, every time we witnessed a wedding, and every time Valentine’s Day arrived. And sometimes in our desperation, we even settled for a partner far less than 'the One', so as not to be a social outcast or lonely.
We started getting into relationships for the sake of getting into one, rather than because of real, unconditional love. This desperation will lead us to one of two possible outcomes. The first, we attract and enter into 'suboptimal' relationships. We get together with people who are either not right for us, do not elevate us to become better people, or do not treat us with the level of respect we deserve, leading to constant unhappiness and eventual heartache. The second outcome is depression or disappointment when we cannot find the person of our dreams or when we break up with our previous partner. Neither leads to happiness or completion.
So what's a person to do? How can we achieve completeness on our own? Can we really do that?
Indeed yes! We must come to the realization that we've been looking at everything THE WRONG WAY! All the frustration, anticipation, and expectations around getting a relationship arise because we are just looking for a relationship to complete OURSELVES. We have been deferring aspects of our lives in order to find this wonderful often fictitious soulmate. We waste our time dreaming of having romantic dinners and getaways with our future lovemate, thinking how nice it would be to have someone special to buy presents for, and to be bought them in return, to walk together beside the beach or in the park, the envy of all around us...yadda, yadda, yadda - instead of living our lives to the fullest and making the best of it right now. This dreaming and pining only results in hidden tension, pressure, and anxiety about finding a life partner. The truth is, we are all already complete by ourselves. There is no need for our life partner to enter into our lives before great things can happen. We can already be doing them as and when we want to. Just because we are single doesn’t mean that we should be putting our lives on hold.
Instead of looking at a relationship as two halves forming a whole, it should be about two wholes forming a bigger union. When we release ourselves from our limiting perceptions, our views toward relationships totally change. We can stop pitching our expectations toward when we should get into a relationship and how it should be like. We can stop looking at relationships with a feeling of desperation. We can become grounded in ourselves, truly and perfectly happy in the state of singlehood.
Being ‘complete’ is a state that is all encompassing. It is beyond just ‘thinking’ that we are complete. It emanates from our thoughts, emotions, actions and behaviors. It means looking toward relationships to supplement us, rather than completing us. It means we start truly living life and stop being bothered by whether we are single or attached. Does this mean that we no longer want to be in a relationship? No, we do want to be in a relationship - it's just that our desire will stop being rooted in fear-based emotions and can become rooted in groundedness and love-based emotions. Fear-based emotions are those such as anxiety, ego, pride and fear. Having love-based emotions, such as true, authentic and unconditional love, willingness and courage, is the only real way to be happy. By loving ourselves first and foremost, and by dealing with and releasing our fears and issues, we complete ourselves.
How To Become Complete By Yourself by Celes
There are several thoughts people unknowingly adopt which result in an incomplete perception of themselves. Below are three guiding checkpoints in becoming a fully, complete person:
1. Love Yourself Unconditionally.
Do you love yourself fully and unequivocally?
Look at yourself in the mirror. Look at where you stand in your life currently. Look at everything about yourself and examine them thoroughly. Are there aspects of yourself which you dislike? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Is there anything that you wish is different about yourself? If there are, what are they? Write these down.
Next, examine yourself again in the same areas and look for the aspects which you like. What do you like about yourself? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Skillsets? Abilities? Beliefs? What have people complemented you on before? What were some of your greatest accomplishments that you are proud of? When were the times when you felt really proud of something you have done? Write them down.
Now, look at your dislikes and your likes. Realize that your dislikes are part of what contributed you to becoming the person you are today. Without them, the other parts of you which you like wouldn’t have existed. Love who you are right now, unconditionally. While you can work on addressing those dislikes and improving yourself, you need to start off from a point where you already unequivocally love who you are right now. Improving yourself will just make you love yourself even more.
2. Be Completely Happy By Yourself.
Are you happy being by yourself? Do you love spending time with yourself? If you are to find out that you are going to be by yourself for the rest of your life, will you be completely happy?
This is a second level check to the first point. If you already love yourself unconditionally, you will be completely happy by yourself. You won’t look toward someone else to complete you and make you happy. Don’t look toward a relationship as an end point where eternal happiness can be attained. Complete happiness is already possible and attainable right now, at this moment, by yourself. It is not conditional upon being in a relationship. In fact, many people are in relationships but are not happy, because these are suboptimal relationships that are rooted in fear-based emotions.
3. Live Life To The Fullest.
Are you living life to your fullest now, or are you deferring certain aspects of living till when you get into a relationship? Are you waiting for your special someone to come along before you can do X, Y, Z things? When you do that, you put off living till an arbitrary point in the future. There is no need to wait to get into a relationship before you can be completely happy. Think about what can you do today that will make you completely happy. What can you do with friends, family and people around you as you live life to the fullest? Do you want to go to a certain country? Want to have a certain gift for yourself? Go do them now or plan to get them done. Don’t defer it till you get into a relationship.
When you start seeing yourself as complete, getting into a relationship becomes something that is supplementary and will make you a fuller person, vs. a prerequisite to make you whole. Since you do not look toward having a relationship to complete yourself, your attitude toward love and relationship stops becoming rooted in fear and desperation. You stop looking at singlehood as an undesirable state.
You start becoming grounded. You start to know what you want and what’s truly right for you. You become full of self confidence, love and happiness. While you look toward being in a relationship someday, at the same time, you are perfectly happy being by yourself.
Truer words could not be said better.
I blame most of it on Disney, though.
I love reading your articles, so thank you for posting this!
Thank you for this posting Captain. Being happy by oneself is actually pretty fascinating because as the "experiencer" one can go deeper and deeper in different aspects whether it is emotional, spiritual, etc. That has been a lesson hard to learn for me but truly a great journey. Relationships are meant to enhance our lives and make us grow as individuals. Wonderful to read this tonight.
It's not only a partner either that we put our happiness on hold for - we are waiting until we are thinner, or richer, or smarter, or have more information, ...whatever, and then we think we will really live. But why wait?
Very sobering Captain. Thanks
Yep, sobering, encouraging and of practical use as always. Thank you.
Best belated birthday wishes to you Captain. May your year unfold with extraordinary beauty.
Thank you, Greenshoots, and the same to you!