The next couple weeks?
Hello all...back again, oh yes.
The past few weeks have been quite trying for me emotionally and mentally. Kind thanks to the Captain for somehow finally getting a light to click on upstairs for me, I have started dealing with root issues in my share of my relationship with a close friend of mine, for my own benefit in the future.
However, the next couple of weeks are quite a huge question mark for me. I'm having financial troubles at the moment and was originally scheduled to attend a weeks' training out of town, but now I don't think it will happen. In addition, the friend I have been so distraught over is going to head home (here) soon, as we are both wrapping up exams for the term.
This may be too specific, but does anyone see what may happen in the next couple of weeks before i start summer classes? I would very much like to see my friend, just to hang out and catch up, and set aside personal issues for another time. But I also still hope I can attend this training session. Does anyone see/feel either event occurring at all? Definitely exhausted emotionally and both would be welcome reprieve from the past few weeks.
I feel like your money problems stem from a deep subconscious belief that you don't deserve prosperity, that it would be greedy of you to have more than others. If you work through this 'dammed-up" attitude, money will then flow naturally to you.
Your freind will feel some tension and distance towards you so it might be better for you to put all your energy into the training session, since he would only make you feel more emotionally drained. Can you ask someone for help regarding this training? Someone perhaps in the company? Or pay the session back over time?
I do admittedly have a hard time taking up financial opportunities - it is simply something that doesn't appeal to me. I often feel guilty whether or not tight budget months are my fault - this month it happened to be both a combo of unexpected expenses and poor planning (miscalculated my budget).
I hate to state the obvious and whine, but this is so unfair with my friend. It's just unfair, period, for both of us. These issues have been going on for months now and I feel sick that all this time has been wasted because of our own insecurities. I struggle, daily, between the thought of waiting things out or cutting him off for good, all the while I am trying to work through my own issues, and on top of that, trying to make myself forget about the whole thing which is of course impossible.
After your help with the photo a couple weeks back, I sent him a brief email, apologizing for my unruly behavior when we had a big fight before, and that i just wanted to put everything behind us and move forward. I didn't expect a response, because it didn't really call for one. Waiting, walking away, or doing something, nothing seems to work. How did I manage to hurt him so badly?
and about the training - I don't think there is any help for it. Overall we are talking a hefty expense (travel, lodging, fuel, etc) and the company I have to do it for made it very clear that it is my expense, not theirs. Plus I have to be registered by tomorrow to get in - and the person that has the access to register me is unable to do so--they are out of town conducting another training of their own, lol.
What exactly do you want from your friend? You talk about friendship but I feel you want much much more. And he senses this but cannot give you what you want.
Can you borrow the money for the training from family, friends, or a bank - and pay it back over time?
To be honest, I want affirmation. At one point, for a long, long time, he was the one who wanted more, when I resisted--not that I didn't want it, but resisted going for it, for the sake of our friendship. For months, he hounded me about moving to his town, was the one to initiate all of our physical intimacy, most of our emotional intimacy, and point-blank asked for very deep trust from me, that I finally relented and gave him. At the same time last year, we both encountered things that shook our insecurities a bit and since then things have been on a steady decline. I don't have any ability to be in a relationship, and I am far too excited about my future on the west coast that I know he wants no permanent part of, and honestly I have not envisioned anyone else taking part in but myself.
However, he tends to blur lines between lovers and friends. I am not the only friend of his this has happened to. The very same woman that "replaced" me races double-time down the exact same path I did, and I already see they are going to crash and burn, and it pains me because while I do have a bias against her, I obviously know how it feels for that to happen and I don't want either of them to get hurt, because I also know how much they benefit each other, much like he and I did/do/whatever.
He has addressed the "more than friends" issue with me, once, but would not speak on his behalf. He blamed me for it happening, when I didn't even want it to, and gave him exactly what he wanted before.
Five people have died and there have been three near-misses in my life in the past three years. I have a huge fear of abandonment and while it is usually dormant, it has been rearing its ugly head and I feel completely abandoned by him in addition to all these other things, because of his stonewalling, when he promised me he would be there for me, and asked the same of me. While I fear abandonment, he fears intimacy and deals with it through risky behaviors - drugs, mostly. While it is a possibility that exists whether we are on good terms or bad, I am terrified that something will happen to him unexpectedly, and too many people have left or nearly left before we ever had a chance to reconcile.
I just want to know that he would still be there for me, as I would be for him. I just want to put these months behind us and go forward, just pick up where we left off, act like it never happened - and if he doesn't want that, then I wish he could just own up and be a man and tell me. I have been in his shoes - I am usually the one who pulls away - and I don't want to overwhelm him, because I don't feel he even understands the depth of what he does. I just want my friend back.
Ugh, I hate being so wordy.
As for the training - I received a surprise email today saying I was registered for the course, and fortunately the invoice for it won't arrive til later in the month, when I won't have any problem handling the bill. That relieves about a third of the burden, but I still have to figure out the rest of the trip. I'm crafty - it'll all work out.
You are asking more of this person than he has to give, more than he should have to give you. You need to find the affirmation you need within yourself. You need to approve of and be there for yourself - you aren't really seeking an outside realtionship with anyone else, but a healthy one with yourself. You need to put this guy who cannot give you what you want and need out of your life and focus on becoming whole and healed. Sorry to be blunt, but this is not how real friends behave towards each other. There should not be this much pain or grief. Is this guy perhaps merely a representation of all the people who have hurt or rejected you in this life and to whom you are trying to prove that you are lovable or worthy? Prove it to yourself first.