Cancer female, Virgo male...so confused!
I see I'm not the only one confused by Virgo men! I'll try to keep this as short as possible, as some of the situations are very similar.
I met a Virgo man through an online dating site about two months ago. I initiated contact and we exchanged a couple of emails. Eventually, I got fed up with how slow the chats were (he would take days to answers a quick email) so I sent him an email with my number and told him if he was interested to call. He waited two days to call, but once he did, he called every day to chat. We eventually met up in person and we had a marvelous time! I started seeing him very regularly after, and we ended up sleeping together before we had actually had the "exclusivity" conversation. He promised me he wouldn't just leave after sex, and true to his word, he continued to date me and try to get to know me.
Abruptly, he stopped talking to me this weekend. Things were going ok (this week he became very distant but he was having troubles at work) but he hasn't replied to any of my messages in almost 3 nights. I've called and messaged once each day, and to this moment I haven't received word back. He told me he is very upfront and if he doesn't like a woman, he'll let her know and move on.
My last message, I confronted it head on and told him that if he doesn't want me around anymore, to just say so and I'll leave him alone. I still haven't received a reply, hours later. Should I just move on, or continue to wait for a response? I feel so hurt because I really showed (through actions) that I cared for him and he seemed to appreciate it and reciprocate the feelings. Why the detachment now? I'd greatly appreciate the help!
How long had you been dating? That is where the answer lies...do tell more.
We've been dating for a month now. It was very regular, we saw each other 4-5 days out of the week, he called me every day, texts galore...and now nothing. Last night, I sent him one final text, telling him I hoped he was okay and that if he didn't want me talking to him anymore to just let me know and I'll stop. I haven't received a reply yet, even though he has been online (I checked to see if he had logged in to the dating site where I met him). I'm completely confused and hurt. He treated me so well, and just the day before he was acting as if our relationship was on its way to something more serious.
I saw that you wrote in the other thread and I read more of what has been going on lately for you and I know that you are in a not so good place right now. But I'd like to give you some peace if that resonates with you...
First I want to say that in your dating situation if you are not comfortable not being exclusive with someone, it is better to say so. Do speak your mind, contrary to what you might think that actually makes you more desirable to a man. Also, having intimacy before you have at least exclusivity is also very risky for a woman precisely because we do get attached. I am dating a Virgo man now and it is one day at a time with him, we are exclusive and we are maybe growing towards something more committed but we both have such uncertainty around our lives that we are taking things r e a l l y slowly. Men tend to feel overwhelmed if the relationship gets too serious too quickly. They may promise you the stars and the moon but you should only believe their actions and at the same time allow for things to unfold at their own pace.
I have read about your situation and I do think there is something you can do but you need to be really centered to do it. In fact, I have been through the same exact scenario you are describing with the Virgo I am dating. It sounds like your Virgo had a lot going on and was indeed overwhelmed. Our worried selves go immediately into "he is seeing someone else mode" and when you imagine all of this, because the truth is you do not know this for a fact, you start creating ghosts and monsters for yourself and you end up believing it. I think you need to take him at face value when he says everything that has been going on. Now, I think you should allow some silence between the two of you. A good ten days to two weeks. If you are centered by then (that means not feeding any thoughts about him -only send him positive thoughts- not checking his FB, etc) and in a place where you are NOT ATTACHED to the outcome of things anymore, that means no expectations...Then you can do this:
-Do not call him or text him saying you want to see him as that will make him put his guard up. Just go see him, unannounced...I know, it is risky because you do not know what you will find or what reaction you will get, but it will be a positive reaction if you are not in a place of anxiety. Once you are there tell him that you realize that he was going through a lot and that you enjoyed spending time with him and that you miss having him in your life, or your truth, but the point is be supportive. And speak from your heart, tell your truth with NO EXPECTATIONS, I cannot emphasize that enough. You are there as a friend. Just open the door again and be willing to be patient!
If he doesn't want your friendship and communication with you will know too but you will be at peace with it. Be willing to really know him for him as a person. But do not have demands, get upset or put pressure, not even in subtle ways. Do not stay long either if you do this. Just tell your truth and leave. Either way you will feel better for it, you will have peace. Be sunny when you do this. If you are not ready do not do it as you will not speak fro a good place then...
I hope you are feeling better tonight.
Thank you so much for your advice! I was putting myself together again for a couple days, as sad and pathetic as it sounds, I was devastated by the whole situation. I invested too much in too short a time period, and it backfired in my face. It was awful...
I'm almost 100% convinced he switched me out for another woman; it's been 2 weeks since I last contacted him and told him my feelings (I kind of let my angry side explode a bit...but I kept it clean and straight to the facts) and he hasn't contacted me at all. His answers were so vague with me ("I'm not keeping you held up") that he made me feel like such an idiot for making me think he liked me, while at the same time telling me he didn't toy with my feelings ("I didn't play you or anything. I'm just having a difficult time right now"). However, he's been out with this girl most weekends since our last conversation, so I can't keep hope that he still has (or even had) feelings for me. Who just disappears like that?
I feel like I was just a plaything for him...and at this point I'm not even sure of what I would say if he were to contact me. It's all a mind game and it's definitely not what I signed up for, but I can't seem to stop thinking of him, despite attempts to get myself out there and date around again.
Thank you for letting me vent. I really wish I was brave and courageous enough to employ your advice. I'm terrified that I'll see him and he'll just...push me aside. It hurts so much...but knowing that there's a community like this and people like you that are willing to offer support is amazing! Thanks again! Blessings!
“I invested too much in too short a time period, and it backfired in my face. It was awful...”
Unfortunately, this is the risk we take when dating. You cannot go back and change it, but take it as a lesson learned and try not to repeat this behavior in the future. You gave too much of yourself (physically and emotionally) and did too much chasing. Allow the man to come to you and initiate (from the very beginning, you contacted him online, you gave him your number, you sent one last text, you are doing waaaaay too much). There are no circumstances in which you should be calling and messaging someone “everyday,” the communication should be reciprocal (especially when the calls and messages are being ignored and this early in the getting to know you stage).
His answers were so vague with me "I'm not keeping you held up" – this is not vague, he is telling you “we are not committed. I have never told you we were committed, you are free to do as you wish.”
"I didn't play you or anything” Were his actions cruel and inconsiderate? Yes, however did he really toy with your emotions if he never promised you anything or indicated that he wanted more than someone to hang out with?
Im sorry if this sounds harsh, I don’t intend to be. But sometimes when we are too close to a situation it clouds our judgment. V.i.r.g.o men are sloooooow anyway and like to keep their options open until they are 100% sure. Even then they will want to make sure that they are sure that they are 100% sure. I would not advise going to see him, that will likely just creep him out and make you look stalkerish. I think this is a good idea if you have some history with the person, but given the short nature of your interactions this will likely freak him out. Please if you haven’t already done so stop calling/texting/emailing this man!!!! Stop looking at his profile, in my opinion he is dating others and you should be to (when you’re ready of course). Let the creep continue to be a creep...with SOMEONE else. You did not make him this way (he was like that before you met him) and he will continue to be this way after you.
No worries, I didn't take it as you being harsh or mean! There were a couple things I should've clarified (for example, after I gave him my number, HE was the one doing the chasing...I never once called or texted him first except when he withdrew, and even then it was ONE call and ONE text a day for a period of two days before a week of non-communication and the final text) but the gist is true. He knew I cared for him more than he cared for me, and he took advantage.
About 20 minutes after I sent my "goodbye" text (which really, was just me telling him that I was hurt and I would've maintained a lot more respect for him if he had just told me he wanted a friends with benefits relationship), he assured me that wasn't it, he was just confused. The only reason I texted him all that was for my own benefit, to get it off my chest once and for all. When he wrote back, I texted him I didn't need excuses when his actions did all the explaining. I haven't spoken to him since (about three weeks)...no calls or texts. It hurts when I look at my phone and he hasn't called, but like you said, he can be a creep with someone else.
The only problem is I can't get him out of my head. I admittedly check his facebook sometimes...but I know it's wrong so I've banned myself from doing it these past couple days. I just feel broken hearted, he told me that I felt right to him...that he was just taking it slow but that he wanted more from us. And then he disappeared. I really wish I had made up the whole relationship in my head, I'd probably be over it by now. But he was so sincere, so gallant...I don't know if I could ever trust again. Yes, I only knew him for a month...but it felt like I had known him my whole life, and he seemingly reciprocated the feeling.
It gets a little better every day though :). I'm sure I'll be there soon...I apologize if I sound defensive! Honestly, I just felt I should expand a little more as my earlier comment sounded like I was delusional haha. Thank you for your advice...I love this forum, everyone is helpful! Blessings!