Calling all cancers (HELP) (SOS) I need advice

  • We met in 2003 right after my divorce and became quick friends (ONLY) we got very close, I hadn't thought of him as more then that until he said he was going to seperate from his wife and wanted to get to know me better, (2004). I actually encourgaged him to work his marrige out for his children's sake, and refused to "date" him. He ultimately decided to end the marrige and approached me again after the divorce. I decided to give him a chance, I din't expect it to be this complicated.

    The first time we made love (2006) he said "I've been waiting for this since 2004" sometimes I tell him I wish we'd never become more then friends, the lines are so blury, we have cried together and shared secretes about our home lives, childhoods, and inner turmoil. When I try to leave him (and I have many times) he begs me to reconsider, says he never wants that to happen, even though he would understand. He's talked to me, thru tears saying he knows how it seems, but to look at him as an individual instead of "most guys".

    He has major issues with his mother (abuse) and I am the first african american woman he has dated (he says we don't like him) even though he is also african american. He says he feels no one has understood him as much as me, and our friendship is what will always keep us connected. He says he doesn't want to loose me.

    The things we've shared and been through together make this relationship way beyond casual, I can do casual thing, if that's all it was, I wouldn't be so confused. He gets jelous when i spend too much time talking to other male co-workers, especially when he's not "talking" to me. I don't know what he wants that's whats so confusing, we talk very intimately about everything, once he said he wanted to get married, both of us are divorced and I joked that we'd get married and not live together( I like my independence), that was when we didn't speak for weeks!

    We talk about everything but when it comes to our relationship he is only clear about what he doesn't want, and that's to loose me, but when he withdrawls it comes so suddenly I'm never sure what brings it on, sometimes its just 2 or 3 days once it was for weeks and one time when we fought it was for 3 months I know that I can't expect him to change, I don't want to change him I just want to find a way for us to communicate so that when he feels the need to pull away, I know what's going on.

    Post A Reply | Report Abuse

  • Hello, I am not a cancer, but I am in love with this guy who is. For a moment I thought this was the same guy. lol. My guy will invite me out and we have a great time and then he disappears for days, weeks and even months. When I confront him about his behavior, he either emails me back saying he is too busy or going through some tough times or just plain and simple ignores me. My guy was also married for several years and is divorced. Your guy sounds like he really loves you because you share a close bond, he gets jealous and he doesn't want to lose you. this is very promising, but maybe he has issues such as fear, jealousy, controlling, fear of falling in love again and getting hurt and as a result, it causes him to distance when things start getting too intense. this is the same thing that I am thinking about mine. For your cancer and mine, I think they get overwhelmed by that word relationship. These cancers love spending time with you and living the moment, and then they stay stuck in their cave. I don't know about you but when they finally come out they expect you to be waiting for them. By the time mine comes out of his cave, I am already so pissed off that I don't want to talk to him. I guess they want to be left alone when they pull away.. Good luck.

  • Well I am a Cancer and I know for me and most other cancers I know we always want a relationship, but were always worried about getting hurt so with each heart break it takes us more and more time. But when we do finally come around we do start to show you by being jealous and worried. When we withdraw its because we love you but we dont want to say hurtful things when we get angry so we just give it sometime and just assume you dont understand. the worse the situation the more time we need to think about it but if you call up after a couple of days were always willing to talk about it because the one thing that you always have on your side is that he loves you

  • My guy is Cancer and we are wonderful together and apart, we are strong communicators! And that my friends, is to key to any relationship...good sign or bad! (for compatibility sake!) We all need and want love, we all want to give it...but are we ready to actually receive it? ....Be patient. Love is.

  • I am a Gemini, however, I have many, many, cancers in my life, including a 22 year old daughter. Let me tell you raising her was a huge challenge. She would retreat and if anyone even tried to approach and coax her out of her room she would turn into Linda Blair and the person who was brave enough to go in would come out looking like they'd seen a ghost.

    It took a lot of tears, special talks, distant times, close times, times of catastrophe and times of shear joy, and I must say she turned out to be a person I am glad to claim as my daughter. I will try to give you some tips on what really goes on in their heads. Due to the fact that I am her mother I was able to really get into her head and try to help her sort stuff out.

    One final thing, I am a Gemini and we are not patient, so you can imagine how torturred I was when I could not get through to her.

    I hope this helps,

    I will call her Jill. Jill was very unpredictable if you happen to run into her at home right after school or at the end of her day you never knew what you were going to run into, lots of us in our house walked around on eggshells not wanting to rock her boat. One day I got home from work and she got home from school at the same time. she got out of her car first and instead of waiting for me to catch up to say hello and go in together she goes in the house and locks the front door, then locks herself up in her room. I get to the front door and practically break my hand because I just assumed she would leave it unlocked and just tried to open the door with force because I never in a million years would of guessed she locked it. We did make eye contact before she got to the door so I knew she knew I was right behind her. I was so ticked off, but I let myself cool down and unwind from work before I dealt with her.

    I went to her room and knocked on her door and called her name, she answered and she sounded annoyed. I went in and sat on her bed with her and gave her this little chat.

    I told her Cancer's are very special people because they are so deep and intricate, and because she is one of those very special people she had to try harder than the rest of us at existing in this crazy world. I went on for about 3 minutes with my speach and she just starred at me never saying anything or making any kind of facial expression. Then being the true Gemini that I am I came unglued (big mistake) and just started parenting her and telling her she is rude and that is completely unacceptable in our house. I used examples like, if one her aunts stopped in she would never come out of her room and say hello. That bedroom door was shut with her behind it 24/7, in her cave all nice and cozy.

    Then my husband comes home from work (Libra) and of coarse he wants balance and peace but want's nothing to do with dealing with her. He would always give me the pep talk and I would go into the dragons' lair again. Petrified I would knock on her door and call out her name now when she responded she sounded even more annoyed then the first time. I was brave and trying to save my daughter from a life full of lonliness because no one wanted anything to do with her. Her brother's and sisters thought she was a brat and told her that on a regular basis, and the one or two friends she had at school had seen this side of her enough times to know when it was safe to be around her and when it wasn't, and for some reason at home it she was never in a good mood or approachable.

    I entered the room and sat on her bed again, this time though I asked her to please join the conversation instead of just starring at me. I asked her do you understand why I am so upset with you and she replied no. So I explained how I felt when I knew she saw me pull up at the same time I did and she went in the house and locked the door!!! I tried to make her see how rude and uncaring that was. I was in her room for at least an hour when her eyes kind of glazed over and I knew she was done listening to me and anything else I said would fall on deaf ears. I told I loved her and when she has had a bad day or is just in a bad mood she should just tell me so I understand the solitude she craved so much. I left the room with absolutely no resolve to the situation, she always had a way of making me feel crazy and that she had done nothing wrong.

    I will end this long message and cut to the chase. It's who they are and you won't change them, they can change themselves as they are very powerful people, but very few of them want to. The like themselves and to he** with the rest of the world. As I stated earlier she is 22 years old now and is working and going to college full time. She has a very rigid schedule, she lives on her own but I know her routine from living with her, trust me it has not changed. She gets up showers, does her hair and make-up (which can take anywhere from 45 to 90 minutes), she will try on at least 3 or 4 different outfits until she finds the one that suits her for that day. She will go to the pantry grab a ganola bar and leave the house to go to work. She will eat her granola bar around 10:00 am, skip lunch, and eat a light dinner. Then she runs off to the gym before her night clases start. She works out for about 1 to t 1/2 hours everday, showers at the gym, goes to school, comes right home closes herself up in her house and studies until about midnight, then she goes to sleep and gets up the next day and does it all over again.

    The point here is, she is who she is, and for some reason that I cannot explain Cancer's are very private, complicated people. They will always retreat into their shells when things get uncomfortable for them. The good attributes with cancers are as follows:

    Honest, trustworthy, goal achievers, proud, and 99.9% of the time incredibly smart.

    I've learned to let my Cancer daughter be who she is, as long as she is happy and not hurting anyone else, it's really not any of my business. I must say though, I really don't think I could be in a committed, loving relationship with one.

  • Thank you so much for the imput and advice, and myveiwpoint I know exactly what you mean, that's how I use to deal with his withdrawels earlier on in the relationship and it only drove him further away for longer, he even accused me of not liking him and putting him down after we'd been seeing eachother for about a year. I was confused I just wanted a response/reaction. I was hurt and confused needing to talk it out, I may have said a cruel word or two hoping he would react emotionally and I'd get a glimps of what he was really thinking. I was just trying to understand and let him know how he came acrooss to me. I do understand that is just how he is. I guess I have to acknowlege that he has to put up with my sudden (outburst) which seem to come from no where but are rooted in all the patience that I have to extend to be understanding of how gentle he is. I was just (I guess) looking for a way for him to give me a heads up so that I don't worry (like I usually do) that this time he's gone for good, and I won't know when or why.

  • I feel the need to add that he doesn't usually disappear for weeks, that happend twice (usually 2 or 3 days) and once when whe had a fight and i let that gemini tounge do some real damage called him some names (coward, two face, ect) when said he would never talk to me again because of the name calling, I called him even worse names (out of hurt, anger, fear, and frustration) and we didn't speak for almost 3 months, but that was in 2007.

    I'm not concerend so much with how he feels about me, I've read what some of the other's deal with cancers (it kind of makes me feel lucky), I do understand that he needs solitude sometimes and I try not to let it rattle me, I am just looking for advice on a system or way that he can communicate with me that he needs some space. I was hoping some cancers or their partners can tell me methods they use to communicate that need in a away that they get what they need without stressing out the one who cares for them. And how do I bring up the conversation of my desire for a title when I've told him so many times that I wasn't into "titles" or looking for one, which was true at the time, but not true anymore.

  • Being a Gemini I used to have a quick tongue & could say very mean things when annoyed w

    my Cancer husband, As I aged I stop before I speak but I do know my husband is very smart,

    loyal & very forgiving especially with me. Sometimes my son & daughter don't understand

    him but at times- he can drive us crazy!. I will sight an ex. of his reaction when annoyed about

    a situation he has little or no control over. We were waiting for my husband to get food from a

    restaurant & he was very irritated due to the traffic & other minor things while on this errand.

    When he came home he did not eat & told us to eat & I suggested saving some for him for later.

    We were quite hungry & I told my family,who are grown-ups to eat, & Dad will eat something

    else later.. When he cooled down & wanted to eat I told him most of the food was gone. He

    seemed a little surprised but I wanted to show him we would follow his wishes about the food

    so maybe next time he would eat with us. It's not a common occurence with him but I feel he's

    being ridiculous & it's hard for us to understand this completely. Hope this helps.

  • Well it is not too difficult to know when your cancer needs space because they just retreat. Asking a cancer to be communicative and open about thier feelings is like asking a dog to give birth to a litter of kittens, it's never gonna happen. Over time Cancer's will make an effort if they really want to, but it is not something you can count on. The decision you have is how will you deal with them. Personally, I would not remain in any relationship with anyone I could not tell my souls story to, whether a spouse or a friend. I need communication and lots of it.

  • This post is deleted!

  • Myveiwpoint. I can and have told my soul stroy to this man, I've told him things I've never felt safe enough to tell anyone, including my ex husband (libra) when were in a marrige. He listens without judgement makes me feel accepted unconditionally. It's not a matter of my not being able to talk to him, it's about finding a way of letting him know he can talk to me, even when/if he thinks I won't like what he has to say...

  • Oh yeah anyone have any sudgestions of how i bring up wanting to make it official even though I've told him that I don't about 50 times over the past 3 years? ( I do now).

  • Hello, I am cancer, 20 July, woman. Being a cancer, I am sincere, trusted, honest (a must), responsible. loving, but when I get hurt I like to sit alone in a room, trying to reflect my life, and during that solitude time, and will try to comfort myself by communicating to the highest above, to God, I don't ask just want to speak with Him about everything. And after sitting for a while and bet there on my own world, I will go out and see the world in much better perspective. I think, there is a healing factor of being alone. I can figure out or reflects my purpose in life, and the meaning of life. Cancer people are easy to please, they don't like to hurt anyone but sometimes because of their straight-forward attitude they are not being rewarded for their honest to goodness comments instead they are being seen the other way. The negatives with cancer people are their moods, they are changing like the waves, and sensitiveness the cause of their changing moods. Otherwise, they want to protect, nurture and help all.

  • Usually, when I get my bad mood, it takes a day, but still I am around the house, but since I am a woman we might feel and have different moods and expressions. Usually, after my solitude time, I can talk and speak it out what went wrong, and what has happened to sort it out to take out the problem to the surface.

    If he doesn't do that you need to prepare yourself and leave him. Change is constant, and cancer people are like that.

  • This post is deleted!

  • Yes this too is true,

    But we do struggle at everything we strive for ~ doors always slams hard ~ & it hurts

    So true how most people are quick to make a judgemental comment or remark~

    I am outspoken & my words do come off sounding Harsh ~ i am straight on all levels ~~

    most Cancerians ( including Myself) look forward to stepping out ~ but fall back ~ to the same scenario ~ what i am trying to say is: blame the Cancerian ~ for they are always looking for trouble ~~~NOT ~ 😞

    being a Cancer sign has it's Downers~~ especially on the extreme sensitivity & empath ~~ two of the worst energies that no other Sign would ever accept Am I Right

  • This post is deleted!

  • How do i tell this man I am ready for a commited relationship when I've said many times titles are not important and I don't want to mess up what we have with the expectations that come from an "official"commited relationship. He's asked me a few time over the years and my feeling for him have changed my feelings about relationships. Should I tell him or should I wait for him to ask me again

  • As a cancer I can say that when I get mad or go in my little tiffs as my boyfriend calls them I just like to be left alone until I calm down. once I've thought about the situation at hand and relaxed I handle it with logic instead of overreacting. It doesn't take me months or weeks though. It might take a few hours or at the most a day before I get over it or work it out. It is hard for us to let others in especially if we've been hurt in the past.

  • If your ready then I suggest that you tell him. He may be scared to say something again since you've turned him down before. Good luck.

Log in to reply