Is there hope with this Cancer man?



  • My cancer "friend" and I met in January throught another friend. We discovered in conversation that we had gone to elementary school together until 3rd grade although we didn't remember each other as kids. I felt such a "home" connect with him (we both have moved several hours away from home). Later that night he fb friended me and so it began. I was in the process of leaving my husband, and he has been divorced for five years (she cheated on him). We talked nearly everyday by phone or text. Once I moved out, he was the guy who help me hang curtains and even bought me a tv for my new place. We saw each other as often as we could as both our schedules are crazy (he works nights, I am a student and work also). He told me from the beginning he couldn't date me because I am still married (waiting on the divorce to be final). I understood, but he still treated me like we were dating. When things became intimate, I couldn't handle it. I have been in a marriage with no intimacy for five years (none and I mean NONE). I loved being intimate with him, but I just couldn't help but feel so vulnerable and it scared me. I would do okay for a few days after and then become really emotional. He was always patient. Even the last time when I told him I just couldn't be intimate with him. Then, he text me asking for a pic of my boobs. I told him no that I didn't do that. He said ok. He had been telling me I just needed to relax and have fun and not make things so serious. I kept saying I needed to know I was special, and his response was that as long as we weren't sleeping with other people not to worry about being special. (I guess that means I was special to him)... So, in an effort to lighten up, I sent him a pic which he thanked me for. The next day I sext him and shared that I had a freaky side. I invited him over for the night but he had plans and couldn't come. The next day, we talked about it and he said he felt like I was trying to be something that I thought he wanted me to be rather than myself. He said that early on I had given him a number of people I had been with and when he told me I knew it wasn't my number (low). My number isn't terribly high, but I shared it with him and he just argued with me. He talks a lot and sometimes doesn't hear the things I say. He recapped the conversation and all the things he said I had said I did, but not the number. Anyway, I shared why I had been promiscuous in my 20s and he said it made me sound trashy. I told him I was, but I am not that girl anymore. I was lost for what to say. I think he thought I lied to him. I was hurt. I wouldn't do that AND he called me trashy. The conversation ended abruptly and we didn't talk for two days. I finally text him and told him I couldn't understand where the conversation went wrong. He asked me to call him. Our conversation went well, but he said again he can't date me because I am not divorced. I said I understand. He also said he wasn't sure he could date me at all at this point. When I asked why, he said I was just emotionally all over the place (I admit that I am. My marriage was abusive verbally and emotionally and I am picking up the pieces as best I can). He said I am beautiful even moreso on the inside than the outside, but he's not sure we will ever have a relationship. I don't know either, but he said you are the kind of girl I could settle down with. He tells me the next "relationship" he has will be the he spends the rest of his life with. I am struggling here. I am smitten with him. I am okay being his friend because I adore him and respect him and don't want to lose him. Our texts since then have been brief and today is my birthday and I haven't heard from him. He may have gone home to visit his family or just be busy and I may hear later. Basically, I am not ready for a relationship and I know it. I think he does to, but I don't want to lose him. Does he have feelings for me? Or was he just trying to get in my pants (a friend's opinion)? I miss our long talks and nightly texts, and I don't want to lose him. Help! How do I play this?



  • I did hear from him on my birthday. He called me and we talked a couple of hours. We both shared some very deep hurts we have had in our past, and he was just trying to make me laugh in that sweet way that he does. He does seem so far from me now though. I mean, he shares but he seems a little synical at this point. I definitely feel like I have been put in the "friend" category now. He doesn't text everyday anymore. I'm okay with being his friend for now, but I still want him to see this as something great down the road. I know we will be great together, but I guess I am scared that once he puts me in the "friends" category that I will never be more. Any thoughts?



  • I did hear from him on my birthday. He called me and we talked a couple of hours. We both shared some very deep hurts we have had in our past, and he was just trying to make me laugh in that sweet way that he does. He does seem so far from me now though. I mean, he shares but he seems a little synical at this point. I definitely feel like I have been put in the "friend" category now. He doesn't text everyday anymore. I'm okay with being his friend for now, but I still want him to see this as something great down the road. I know we will be great together, but I guess I am scared that once he puts me in the "friends" category that I will never be more. Any thoughts?



  • Yes I do feel this guy's interest in you was mostly sexually-based. He doesn't want to commit to you. Cancer men can become obsessed with finding a 'virginal' innocent partner, no matter how unrealistic that is, so that they can be the only sexual influence in their life.

    You need to break your pattern of being attracted to men who will hurt and use you. Many people find that the template for relationships that they got from their parents stays in their psyches until we become aware of it. Was your parent's relationship abusive or based on selfish desires? Do you see similarities in your own? Maybe you are trying to please a parent who ignored or mistreated you? You need to be aware of why this sort of guy attracts you before you restart your search for a more compatible partner. Dump this latest guy - he is a selfish user.



  • Thank you, Captain... Yes, my parents were very verbally abusive to each other. My father was cold and distant and my mother was VERY emotional and bounced from anger to hurt. I have spent my life trying to fix them and everyone I meet it seems. My heart is tender and gentle, and I want so desperately to be loved. I am working on myself for now and spending lots of time in prayer. I am trying to pull away from my cancer friend, but I still can't help but feel we are meant to be down the road. For now, though I am focusing on trying to reevaluate myself and why I keep repeating the same relationships. I am learning to love me, and I can't do that with my cancer friend around... He has been kind and encouraging during my divorce-a good friend. I have a gift for him. Should I give it to him?



  • No, I think he would take it as a sign of your wanting more from him.



  • Captain, I am taking time to work on me. I am not contacting him, and I don't know if I will respond if he contacts me.... I want him to know the real me. I am a strong Taurus woman but through this divorce, I have been nothing but mush. I hate it. lol. I am hoping by letting him go, he will realize what a wonderful treasure I am. He has said more than once that I am not like other women, and that as emotionally screwed up as I am, I am still the kind of woman he could marry. I need time to heal. I do realize that, and I want to be alone for now so that I can. I also want to be in love-real love-the kind that takes my breath. If it isn't him, I don't care. I just want to know that I won't have to live my life without knowing that great love that God meant for me. I have to admit, there is so much with us that is comfortable and good, and there is a part of me that thinks he could be my forever down the road. I would like that, but where we are now is only going ot crush us both. My heart can't take it. Captain, is my great love going to happen?



  • A great love happens when you are ready for it to happen, but I don't think you are yet. As you said, you have emotional issues to heal before you should even think about getting into another relationship. Work on your most important relationship for now - that of the one with yourself, your first great love - and just take it day-to-day, no worrying about the future.



  • I think take some time for yourself and heal and then you'll be ready for LOVE! This is what I am doing taking time out to heal myself and then I can be ready for the right person to show up.



  • Thanks, crazycap. I am just sick in my heart letting him go.One of my great faults is that I see the good in everyone. I weigh people based on that good and try to see the mistakes as just thier humanity. I am glad to be taking time for me, but I struggle so with losing him. For the things he has done wrong there are a million more he has done right. I miss him.



  • A thousand pretty words do not make up for one iota of abuse. Most abused people tell themselves (wrongly) that their abuser will change. They don't, because the abused person keeps on forgiving them and excusing and allowing their bad behaviour.


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