Cancer question ( what do they want)!!!

  • If you are a cancer or know about them, help me understand. I have been "dating" off and on a cancer for 3 years. When things are good they are very good then he just disapears. Early in the relationship I thought he didn't like me or something, but he'll reapear and act confused that I would assume such a thing he tells me I'm gorgeous , intelligent, blah blah then disapears again we work together so I see him at work and we hug and talk as usual, but he won't accept my calls sometimes for weeks! I"ve tried to let him know he's safe and it's ok if he wants to end things, but he says he loves me and he always has this problem. Being a gem I know how it is to flip flop, and I've tried let him know that to me it's ok if he needs space, as long as I know what is going on in his mind. Any advice?

  • Hi, I think he should play by the rules that you would expect from any serious relationship. I don't mean to sound blunt but this appears to be a casual relationship so you can expect more of the same. I don't want to dis anyone or relationship but if you are looking for something more tangible, might try looking elsewhere. I view this sign as being a bit immature. And if you go by astrology, this isn't the best pair-up. Gemini is a communicator.

  • Thanks Dalia, I wish it were that simple. We met in 2003 right after my divorce and became quick friends (ONLY) we got very close, I hadn't thought of him as more then that until he said he was going to seperate from his wife and wanted to get to know me better, (2004). I actually encourgaged him to work his marrige out for his children's sake, and refused to "date" him. He ultimately decided to end the marrige and approached me again after the divorce. I decided to give him a chance, I din't expect it to be this complicated.

    The first time we made love (2006) he said "I've been waiting for this since 2004" sometimes I tell him I wish we'd never become more then friends, the lines are so blury, we have cried together and shared secretes about our home lives, childhoods, and inner turmoil. When I try to leave him (and I have many times) he begs me to reconsider, says he never wants that to happen, even though he would understand. He's talked to me, thru tears saying he knows how it seems, but to look at him as an individual instead of "most guys".

    He has major issues with his mother and I am the first african american woman he has dated (he says we don't like him) even though he is also african american. He says he feels no one has understood him as much as me, and our friendship is what will always keep us connected. He says he doesn't want to loose me. Our relationship is no secret at work althogh it began as one,but after about a year other's caught on, including one co-worker who really has a thing for him and now despises me after she tried to get closer to him and he told her he didn't want to hurt me. I saw him talking alone with her and got jelous, after that, if he is speaking with her and I come around he walks right over to me so that I'm secure "nothing is going on with them" ( she cried on the shoulder of a blabber mouth sag, said they were never intimate, but that she loved him and I didn't).

    The things we've shared and been through together make this relationship way beyond casual, I can do casual thing, if that's all it was, I wouldn't be so confused. He gets jelous when i spend too much time talking to other male co-workers, especially when he's not "talking" to me. I don't know what he wants that's whats so confusing, we talk very intimately about everything, once he said he wanted to get married, both of us are divorced and I joked that we'd get married and not live together( I like my independence), that was when we didn't speak for weeks!

    We talk about everything but when it comes to our relationship he is only clear about what he doesn't want, and that's to loose me, but i do fear you are correct in the fact that I can't expect him to change, I don't want to change him I just want to find a way for us to communicate so that when he feels the need to pull away, I know what's going on.

  • you know that movie hes just not that into you. well i found one thing incredibly true if they want you they will do anything to make sure they get you. i watch my single friend get played by guys all the time and the same few... they come around feed her stuff make her feel good about herself and the way he feels about her and then they just oops my phone is shut off or other crap and then they come right back around and "give it" to her again. men sometimes pick up on a womens weakness, yours is possibly that you are forgiving him to easily.

    as far as im concernd the leaving you hanging for weeks at a time is not ok. if you are in a relationship your daily life is usually involved its what builds and makes the relationship.

    you said he has kids and an ex wife so my question is.. is he involved with his kids while not with you?

    my bf is a cancer and ima tell you he never see's nesecary to tell me his plans he will say hay im leaving work now..... three hours later he still isnt home im thinking what the hell happened..i finally call... he says.. what are you mad im not already there.. dont get mad... i stoped a few places on the way... its like well dam inform me. cancers dont feel the need to do that im a sag.. i let him know when im on my way if i stoped and where im heading next. its about the consideration of others and i think cancers are not good at this.

    and i also wanna say hog wash to all the compatibility stuff cause just about everything says a sag and acancer wont work..... we are so happy to be together the relationship is very close he values me and i value him and its not about what your sign says you can or cant do, its about what you want to make happen...

    if you have know this guy for so long im sure you know most of the weakness of a cancer... insecure and homebodies... maybe this has something to do with the disapearence..

    only you can find out what he wants and if he wants it with you... maybe thats some where to start... dont approach him with your wants and needs and concerns.. ask him those questions...

  • He has 5 children and spends every weekend with them I've met 2 of his daughters, one who I've wanted to meet scince I met him, because he says she reminds me of him because she's a singer/songwritter like me, and he sent his son to my son's summer program so we could see how they react to oneanother. His children think of me as daddy's friend, but I don't want to introduce anyone to my son without some type of "title" because I don't want to confuse him when he get older with mommies "friends".

    I feel the need to add that he doesn't usually disappear for weeks, that happend twice (usually 2 or 3 days) and once when whe had a fight and i let that gemini tounge do some real damage called him some names (coward, two face, ect) when said he would never talk to me again because of the name calling, I called him even worse names (out of hurt, anger, fear, and frustration) and we didn't speak for almost 3 months, but that was in 2007.

    I'm not concerend so much with how he feels about me, I've read what some of the other's deal with cancers (it kind of makes me feel lucky), I do understand that he needs solitude sometimes and I try not to let it rattle me, I am just looking for advice on a system or way that he can communicate with me that he needs some space. I was hoping some cancers or their partners can tell me methods they use to communicate that need in a away that they get what they need without stressing out the one who cares for them. And how do I bring up the conversation of my desire for a title when I've told him so many times that I wasn't into "titles" or looking for one, which was true at the time, but not true anymore.

  • Oh yeah the funny thing sagigal, is we have reversed charts so althogh he is a cancer he has lots if gemini and aries in his chart, I am a gemini but have lots of taurus and cancer in my chart, so I'M the homebody, he acutally likes to go out more then me, I'm happy to just lay up and watch movies at home, he is the one who always sudgest us getting out and about.

    and you're right in that anyone can be compatible with anyone, some connections just take more compromise and understanding, but if the person is worth it and you love them you should go for it, and if it doesn't work out remember the good times!!!

  • I'm a Cancer male and I love Saggitarius women! I was with one for 3 and a half years. She could always make me smile. There was never a gloomy day when I was with her. I miss that. These women keep us on our toes and make us laugh , alot! At least mine did and I loved her for that.

  • oh how sweeeeet!!! reminds me of why I love my cancer

  • true that, us cancer men are like flowers with out rays of sunshine and rain we wilt....if given we thrive and bloom and make everyone smile ...

  • Cancer men need to be extroverted and be with you, but they do need time to be introverted. Time alone, time with the kids, just down time. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their internal mechanisms. Imagine beinga sponge, and soaking up everything, good and bad, all around you all the time non-stop. It's painful! So, give him a break, cut him some slack when he needs time to re-charge. That's usually al it is.

    Holding everyone to the same standards is not making use of astrology, or growing spiritually. It's a nice idea, but we don't hold Fire and Air signs to the same standards, so... gotta cut the man some slack. You'll have to get used to the patterns of interaction and all that, and then retreat... bu if he's worth it, you'll grow into it. A Cancer will cut you slack when you inadvertently cut us to the quick without meaning to. We know you don;t really mean it.

    Wishing you the best with your guy!

  • You have a healthy attitude sexygem, because it truly doesn’t work when we try to change others to meet our expectations.

    Part of the problem with letting someone know they need some personal time is, having to explain why. What works for me and my Cancer is if and when he needs to withdraw, I make him feel safe. I don’t question him because I know he’ll tell me about it when he’s ready and if it’s nothing other than just having some down time then really, there’s nothing to tell. When he says he isn’t in the mood to “socialize”, I tell him it isn’t a problem and I don’t get angry nor do I make him feel guilty about it because that would only cause him to retreat further. Then, if I feel like it I will make my own plans. I have found that the more space he is given, the less he actually needs to take.

    In the early stages of the relationship it’s harder because the trust isn’t there yet, but as you move into the longer term you learn to ride with the tide. It sounds like you’re already past that initial phase, so you could just start off by telling him that you don’t have a problem with him retreating, you would just like to be kept in the loop when he does. Personally, I need my own time to recharge, so it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to before that trust was established. The dynamics of each relationship is different, but if you can somehow reassure him that he is safe when he needs to take time for himself, the two of you can establish your pattern of how you communicate it.

  • I dont think Gemini's and Cancers are compatible. I keep reading on here that Cancers distance themselves a lot in relationships. I thought I posted abt this last nite, but apparently not to U. I am a Cancer and I do distance myself, but I usually break it off with the person first. I guess outside of dating relationships, I do that with family and close friends too. I think it's this uneasiness like "If I stay here where it's comfortable, what if I miss out on something better?" Then eventually I come to my senses and realize I would prefer the comfort zone, but then it could be too late. Trust me, I feel guilty when I can see the pain on someone's face who I am hurting, but sometimes choose to ignore it. U may really love this man, but I dont know how else to advise U, since I am as guilty as him.

  • He Is probaley cheating with someone else because that's the type of things they do. I been dating a cancer man 5years and he is also my child father (cancer man) They are so insecure and when it comes to love its never enough they need more love and security and more and more and they pick up on bad hibits and its hard for them to leave people alone....But if you would like to understand him you can go to ( But as I kno scopion women are the best sign for them. But beside scopion I will have to say virgo, pisece and turus.

  • Well the only thing I can say abotu Cancer men are they are immature. My ex is cancer always spouting how they want a family and blah blah blah. Im a sag and and Sag's adn Cancer are volitile mix on teh charts. Man when we fought we were out for blood. Sag's are known for the blunt talk and Cancers can't take it. They like to play mind games and emotional tug of war and that ISN'T HEALTHY FOR ANYONE.

    My cancer did the same. When I told him Iw as pregnant he disappeared. Didn't support me at all and caused a lot fo stress. I ended up losing the baby. he shut down again and was ONLY THINKING OF HIMSELF AND HOW IT WAS EFFECTING HIS FEELING never did he once ask to go to my appointments or ask to support me and our child.

    I also had a female cancer friend. She was in a relationship with my best friend for 5 yeaers and played the same emotional tug or war and back and fourth. They play a lot of mind games and they always want you to admit they are right and that you hurt them and that you shoudl bow down to them because god forbid you woudl hurt their feelings but they NEVER take yours into account.

    Just my personal opinion, I would steer clear of a man like that. You are better than that and you shoudl be with someone you don't have to guess how he feels about you on a daily basis.

    BUT that is just my opinion. I know everyone is different but this sign seems to show a lot of immaturity and they try to make it all about them. They can be very selfish. When you anger they exopect you to tell to be happy and pretend there is nothing goign on but dang when they are unhappy the whole world has to stop and surround it around them and they expect you to wait on them for their answers.

    It's a nerve racking situation and nobody needs to deal with that. Figure out what you want and then make your decesion. But if it's been three years and there has been no talk of a real relationship move on and find someone better.

    Best of luck to you honey!

  • interesting topic here i must say i'm a cancer and all have a valid point of what your saying. For myself deal with a lot of emotional feelings being a crab. and at times i have to take a break from me and the feelings i have to deal with. It ain't easy. cancers are very sensitive at times and we tend to take things personal. But Self awareness is the key.Being responsible for oneself is also the key to. When i tend to get overwhelmed by life's daily grind it can be hard on us.But that's still no reason to be inconsiderate to others. I will tell my friends and lovers that i need some alone time to sort out what i'm feeling. and be patient with me cause i'm still work in progress.

  • Hmmm yes i see a lot of me in the retreating side of cancer when things get a bit too much but i also have a saggitarian moon which is very freedom loving a bit of the opposite to cancer.

    I have to say it sure makes things difficult in my relationships, so i'm staying single now and having a good long rest from it all.

    I have yet to find someone who can deal with my cancer sensitivity and my blunt saggitarian, maybe one day.

  • I just can't accept the notion of not caring or being able to love someone because an astrology book says we're not compatible. Astrology is an aide to understanding difficulties and similarities my best matches leo, libra, aqu. I've dated them and it didn't work out, and even if this relationship doesn't work out I will not judge anyone as unworthy of my affection until they prove themselves as that. To attempt to explain how I have connected with other water and earth signs even though I "not suppose to" I have a chart heavy with taurus and cancer. Again I feel that love is blind to its limitations age, color, religion, astrology, ect. You feel what you feel, who you feel it for.

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  • MY Dad & my son both Gems~ i lived all my life with a one sided His way & only his way attitude ~ basically i survived my own insanity ~ by brainwashing myself~ that once was old enough to marry & the first man to looked my way ~~ would sweep me off my feet ~~ mmmmm

    well he wan't the first man & i knew that ~

    My True Soul man~ my partner my lover my companion my all my everthing .... yaaaaa ~ he did sweep me off my feet ~~& mind you i was not complaining ~ The Stars & Universe knew exactly what they were planning ~~~ So here I am complainning about how Stubborn Tarus men are.... Gems are that much more difficut !!

    i have one of my own my (( son )) i learned to align my energies with his ~ i often had to bite my tongue just to keep the peace~~~ as long as he has his space & he does as he pleases He's a charmer & a really sweet & gentle carismatic personality likes socialize ~ a magnet for chit chat.... lol Ooh Yes

  • I am a Cancer woman. I know that we Cancers live in an emotional world and sometimes we just have to take a step back and sort out all our feelings. We can be easily overwhelmed and confused with our emotional overload and when a Cancer is dealing with a lot of emotional situations at the same time, we tend to withdraw- not always physically but emotionally. Sometimes we try to distance ourselves by distracting ourselves with what may seem to others to be callous frivolity.

    We can be very sensitive and insecure and if you verbally blast, denegrate or demean a Cancer, we will withdraw and become even more distant and it will take a long time to earn back the trust and be forgiven for the hurt you caused. We may say you are forgiven, but we will test you to the limit after that kind of emotional betrayal. And yes, we do see name calling and the denegration of our integrity as emotional betrayal.

    Cancers need someone who is patient and will wait until we can sort out our feelings and then express them. If you push too hard, we simply withdraw, and if you hurt us, we simply turn away and leave for a while - we need time to decide if we want to stay or not because we need to figure out if it is just a fluke or if this is what it is always going to be like and if we can deal with that on a long term basis.

    Words hurt us but it is actions that will bring us back and it will take a lot of convincing because once we give our hearts - it stays given and if you hurt us - we tend to remain hurt. We are so loyal we need to know that our loyalty and love won't be taken for granted and we tend to stay in relationships far longer than what is healthy. We need constant reassurance especially if we have been burned before. Once bitten, twice shy for most - for Cancers- multiply that by 10.

    It sounds to me that your Cancer man was going through some hard emotional times and as Cancers don't like to hurt people, being very sensitive themselves, it is difficult for him to deal with not hurting his ex-wife and children while still having to deal with your relationship and needs. We like to make clean breaks but his situation does not allow that. He has 5 children and he has to deal with all their emotions too.

    Cancers are also very idealistic and we believe in an unrealistic fantastical perfection of love and tend to have to lower our expectations to meet reality. That is when Cancers tend to withdraw for no apparent reason, we are trying to decide what we can and can't live with/without when it comes to love. We do evaluate the quality of our relationships on a pro and con basis. As long as the Pros outweigh the cons, we will stay. Once they get out of whack with our expectations, we will stay longer hoping things will change - then if they don't - our departure is abrupt and we do not tend to look back but wash our hands clean because it is difficult for a Cancer to have to deal with negative fall out esp. if they feel they did all they could to make it work. Cancers feel the failure of a relationship very hard because they put so much emotional energy into them.

    We also need the security that our SO will allow us the time to sort out our feelings and then listen and take us seriously and maybe even try to help with whatever is wrong but don't presume to know what a Cancer needs - when we figure it out - we will tell you. When we tell you and you don't act accordingly, don't expect a Cancer to want to stick around. It is like a slap in the face to Cancers when you ask us what we want, make us wade through our emotional oceans, narrow down the findings, then verbalize what we need and then have you just ignore it. Most things Cancers ask for are symbolic - it may seem small and insignificant but it usually represents a bigger issue. If your Cancer says that buying a flower or picking up a cup of his favorite ice cream each week is important - it is not the flower or ice cream that is important - it is the fact you listened, remembered, cared enough to act on it, showed you value his/her feelings and you have validated their trust in you. Phew! All on a simple flower/cup of ice cream!

    So when we finally figure out what it is we need, we require our SOs to encourage us and reassure us that they will be there if we fall. We need to know our SO can be counted on. This is a lot to ask of someone but these are the minimum requirements for a Cancer. Most people will never meet the ideal for a Cancer and so the Cancer will never be completely happy but if you are gentle, patient, understanding and caring - your Cancer will be yours forever despite occassional withdrawals.

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