What's with his non-answer? Anyone...blmoon, shuabby, captain, others?



  • My best friend and I have been at odds for several months now, for so many confusing reasons. We have taken some time apart. He hurt me very deeply and I very much want to forgive him, whether to just move on from our relationship and leave it behind, or pick up where we left off.

    I reached out last weekend and it ended up not going very well (admittedly, I lost my cool...) at the end of it, when we'd calmed down, I simply asked him point-blank to tell me whether or not he even wanted my friendship, so that if he didn't I could cut my losses and move on, take my love elsewhere, but he did not give me a direct answer. He just told me to leave him alone, which I have done, and I also want to be alone for awhile longer as well.

    Aside from the obvious message (we both definitely need more time apart) why didn't he give me an answer? I gave him the opportunity to tell me to eff off forever. I am torn. I am hurt and know of course the best course of action is just to leave it alone for real, indefinitely, this time...but it still perplexes me.

    ...my question is: what is his beef? Part of the reason we have been at odds is because our friendship went beyond platonic and we were/are both confused by it because we are/were such good friends. Is he still caught in that? Does he actually want me in his life? Does he actually still care about me? Is he hoping for more, or less? I just want to know - I graduate in December and move away in January; should I reserve a spot for him on the guest list for my graduation/going away party? 😉

    Thank you!



  • tooaloor

    He told you to leave him alone. What meaning does that have for you? Which one of you wanted this friendship to turn into a love affair? The structure changed and that in itself was either going to make you both happy or feel a bit strange as to how to proceed.

    Out of honor of the friendship you shared he did not tell you to f off. Time is needed to sort out feelings and not say Love Me Or Leave Me.

    Yes you can reserve a spot on the list for graduation /going away party for him. Do not place high expectations on him through. You will move forward once you have moved and meet many new friends and love interest will be there before you know it. I feel you are an outward person and have inate charm. You have many wonderful adventures ahead of you and I see you on a boat in the ocean this summer really loving it with new friends. Say La Ve

    Shuabby



  • Him telling me to leave him alone just confuses me now- I don't know what it means to me, because our relationship has been at a standstill, and (as I told him) I've been doing this alone. In the past I learned it just meant to let him cool off, but we have been on significantly more dangerous territory, and he has flip-flopped several times on the matters at hand. On the other hand, he is younger than I and a bit immature for his age, so I feel that his "leave me alone!" tantrums are more of a cry for attention or help sometimes.

    In terms of the romance; he was the one who initiated advances--minor at first, but increasingly more serious. I reciprocated them for a long time, willingly, but at first unsure if it was just him being affectionate and open, then they suddenly turned and got even more serious (he asked me for months to move to his town - in a whole other time zone) and out of my own fears I dropped the ball. I instantly regretted it and offered him olive branches, apologies, and time, in hopes he will understand one day I truly did not mean to hurt him by saying no.

    "Love me or leave me" - admittedly, when the tough gets going, I go with it. When I decide to let someone go, no matter how much I love them, it is nearly impossible for them to get back in, should they choose to come back. If they do, my relationship with them is never the same, so I usually disappear again. Once bitten, twice shy I suppose, especially with those I trust. The romantic feelings are something that have diminished quite a bit, but not entirely - so I struggle with letting something go that might actually be right, and becoming the "one that got away" when I move. Of course, it's all complicated by the fact that he is my FRIEND first and I have very few friends I can truly count on; he is one of them and obviously he's not available right now.

    I, too, have become aware that once I move, I will really start an exciting new life and I know he won't be part of that one anymore. But I don't want to spend the rest of this year hoping, wishing, and praying we just might maybe make up and reconcile before I move...at the same time I don't want to cut him out if he is actually working on his own issues with our relationship rather than ignoring it. I CAN be patient, and I AM forgiving, but it's hard if I don't know whether I should be.

    Thank you so much! This made me feel better, and aligned with a few of my own gut feelings, and sorted out a couple that I couldn't really figure out.



  • I'll do a general tarot reading for you...will be back.



  • I think its best to concentrate on friendship with this guy and sort things out. Him telling you he needs time alone is exactly that time alone without anyone interference from anyone including you and everyone else this does not mean that he wants to cut you out of his life completely, it means that he needs time to think about things and when he does come back he'll be ready to start a friendship or if it grows into a relationship then that as well but first he needs time to rethink things over and needs to do this by himself alone without anyone being involved so he can think things through and to make sure hes ready within himself that he is sure he wants this, I mean I get that he wants this but does he really? this is what he has to realise for himself and be ready for a possible relationship. I mean I know its all well to say you really want to be in a relationship but do you really? Do you understand the implications of such a thing? I doesnt feel confident within himself for such a thing as a relationship needs to get that back to then be able to give back to you. Hence hiding away sorting things out so he can then come back and be in a possible relationship. That is what I think he is trying to do.

    Also why not think of friendship and make that solid as? Before even considering a relationship? Build solid friendship then if it goes toward a relationship then go with it, seems you both got caught up in the heat of the moment and didnt stopto think about this, also both need to have lives of their own will you be happy with that? Will you be happy with him dating other ppl whilst being in a friendship with him? Alot of questions to consider before cutting him out of your life forever.



  • I feel he doesnt feel confident within himself for such a thing*



  • The non-answer just tells me he really needs think over things and get himself ready for a relationship. Fuck you spend tie with a person then they think they own you? Sorry but relationship arent like that. Also will you be happy with him as he is? and theres alot of other things which I really dont think you two a suited to one another but as friendship yes takes alot of pressure of the both of you but then again does it? Wondering whether or not to jump in or stay away. What do you think?



  • Also maybe if you can or want go out for drinks and discuss this with him sometime?



  • @Daliolite: wow, thanks! 😄

    @crazycap: Specifically, he didn't say "leave me alone; I need time," because he would never ever say that. I asked him for some kind of indication as an answer to my question; that we could work on fixing our friendship at a later time but just to know if he wanted to; or instead if he had to think about it or if I got no response, then I would assume the answer was no. His response was simply "you can stop talking to me now."

    As for the implications of a relationship with him...we are both very painfully aware of what they are, and why we both fumbled for so long. He's gay and I am lesbian so it was very hard for us to even admit we had any attraction to each other. We did not meet with any intention of anything besides friendship, things just happened. And our friendship is intense and amazing. I don't trust easily, I don't love easily, and he earned both in a very very short span of time.

    He has a lot of control issues; he's a fantastic manipulator. He accused me of "wanting to be more than friends" but to be honest, he is the one that pursued me and he is very controlling; I am very passive.

    Over the weekend when he and I were fighting, I did think long and hard about whether or not I do still accept him as he is. It has been one of the things I am proud of and satisfied with; for as many struggles as we face, I still wouldn't change him. I had to stop and re-evaluate but I did ask myself the same question, and after truly thinking it over I realized that despite our conflict I do still love him as he is.

    Like I mentioned before, yes there is still a bit of romantic feeling left for him but it isn't as strong as it was. We already live far apart right now (we both have the same hometown, just different schools) and I will be moving VERY far away in January, so a relationship, if he wanted one, just isn't practical. I just miss my friend...so very much.

    I wish we could just go grab a beer and talk it over but like I said, we're far apart right now. Also he is a cancer, and doesn't "talk"easily or at all. Whenever he confesses something to me, he puts way too much effort into negating it later ("I was drunk; I was high; I lied..." and then later he will lie about not meaning it when he claimed to have lied/been under the influence earlier. It's a sick cycle).



  • wow, i couldnt have ended your story any better! you lesbian, and he is gay no wonder your relationship is different. hate to tell you this but there is no future so what are you expecting? a kid to cement your relationship? get over it and move on he is not going to change and nei ther are you. one thing I can tell you about g a y men tend to sleep around a lot. if you are as passive as you say you arethat is not a good sign dear one. hopefully you will get away from him and I pray you will see the truth, there is no future here, it is what it is, open your eyes and clean up your behavior, and by that I do not mean stop being a le sbian that is not goign to happen, but youare confusing yourself further by labeling yourself as a l* esbian.

    now it's questionable if you are l *esbian and he is g a y. what has really happen? you both are now labeled "B i s e x u a l.

    life is about lessons, and no one is punishing you but you are just torturting yourself by insisting he come forward with his thoughts, that is NOT going to happen, time for you to be realistic and quit dreaming of the possibilities, it's not a movie but real life.

    HF



  • HF, thank you for your comment. I am aware of the things I need to move past from. I am not deluded; I am confused and want to make sure that if I walk away, it won't be in vain. I cannot help that I care about him, nor can I help whether or not he cares about me, but I can gather information to help me decide what to do about it, because in the end I want things to be okay and to no longer suffer for this. That is however, far easier said than done.

    No, I do not want a child with him. I do not want children period, and not with him either. We only copulated once and it was the worst I've ever had (another reason why a romantic relationship is fruitless, haha). We were both quite surprised by how little we enjoyed it.

    My expectation is to continue the friendship we have underneath all the other confusion.

    That being said, I feel there are some things about your comment, separate from the topic at hand, I would like to respond to:

    About how gay men sleep around, I feel that is a very inappropriate comment to make. That is a stereotype, and very hurtful. A person's sex drive has little to do with their orientation.

    As for "labeling" me "bi" - that is another thing I disagree with. Only a heterosexual person who was fortunate enough to know their sexuality from the beginning would make a comment like that. Sexuality is NOT black and white, it is not static, and usually labels are restrictive rather than liberating, yet a necessary evil. Just because there is one kind of attraction or compatibility between two people does not mean they are compatible in other ways. Also, a person's "label" on their sexual identity is solely up to that person, and no one else. Yes, I have had sex with a male. I hated it, and he did too, but I love that person dearly besides. That does not, by any means, make me bi. In fact it strengthens my lesbian identity, in my opinion.



  • I apologize if I sounded judgmental as I was only tring to point out the obvious problem here is your s e x u a l orientation. not that you are this or that, you want to experientment and that is risky, you are naive to believe that g a y s and or l e s bians do not sleep aropund.. and was not meant to be hurtful towards you but rather stating it to be a lifestyle. I have a sibling that is l e s bian and a few girflfriends and there is sim pl y NO confusion with their preferences. if you slip back and forth between the two you are confusing yourself further. take responsibltity for yourself and not become immeshed is some weird mind games that only involves s e x. too bad you cant turn back the clock and reestablish what you two had. you both chose to cross the line, and and no going back, so now what?

    the best you can do now is to lay low, and leave things be for now.maybe later on you two will have a chance to 'talk' but now he is deciding on waht to do and has regrets now because he knows he can't hold you back you need to move on. you say you are passive and he is aggressive which means what? that he wins and makes all the decisioins for you and you have no mind of your own? that is bad for you and good for him.

    HF



  • and the fact you only copulated 'once' sounds like it should not have been a big deal, it was, and it happened and pretend it did not happen, and 'once' is all it can take to break or cement a relationship .



  • you 'can't pretend' it did not happen, and 'once' is enough



  • It's funny you mentioned crossing the line - a few months ago I put my foot down about his insistence that this whole situation was my fault, and that is exactly what I told him. We both chose to and agreed to do the things we did. He is the one who tells me to forget about it when he continually brings it up - and even went and bragged about it at a party of all our mutual friends (and I didn't find out about this until months later). It's not so much I pretend it didn't happen as it is water under the bridge - our friendship should be able to withstand something like that, it has survived worse 😞

    About the passive and aggression - you're absolutely right, he makes all the decisions. Usually in my relationships (of all kinds) I am the one charge, but we learned that it worked better this way. Unfortunately he has only recently learned that while I am passive, I will assert when I've had enough of something, put my foot down and stand up for myself. I choose my battles wisely, so when I stand up and fight for something, people quickly learn it's pretty serious. It's one thing I am pretty proud of myself for the past few months, when he and I go at it - he didn't expect me to say: "I'm walking out if you have nothing to give me in return for everything I've given you, that you asked for."

    But now I'm standing in the doorway, not sure whether to stay or go, hoping it doesn't hit me in the @$$ either way.



  • I hope you donot contact him, he is expecting you to break down and just pick up where you left off. there is some type of plan he has, and doe snot look you are gonna like it, but rather oppose him, althought you could end up back in his domain again, but it won't change. this is where you have a chance to release yourself, and yet you are waiting on him to make this decision. you are free to leave anytime it won't be better but rather you two have come to an awkward place and this is it.

    if he bragged about your liason to your mutual friends i would question his loyalty to you and out of respect he never should have blabbed about your private moments. what a dud head and you know that woas out of line.

    move on, save yourself from a blood bath. you have better opportunities with out than with him and yes it's your choice. you do have free will, by god use it!!



  • **liaison



  • I definitely will not contact him. The only reason I reached out to him last week was because he'd contacted me.

    It's funny that he'd want to just pick up where we left off, considering he left me at a horrible point in our friendship that started this to begin with - all the fighting/power struggle anyway.

    Plan? What kind of plan would he have? I don't put it past him to have one, I just can't imagine he'd think up one that involved (or deliberately excluded) me in any way.

    I know I have the choice to leave. I'm just struggling with making it. I'm too forgiving. It takes me awhile to make up my mind, but once I do, believe me, it will be made.



  • and about him bragging to our friends...yeah, I realized right away it makes him look just as much, if not more, a fool than I. I'm out to the same people, and he is as well.



  • 'I wish we could just go grab a beer and talk it over'

    Maybe thats what you both need to do so you can figure out what you both need to do with this situation.

    Theres something between you both, thats obvious, guess its up to both of you whether or not you are going to find out what that something is?

    Also whether a two ppl are gay doesnt mean they cant have a fulfilling relationship, you both need to learn lessons here, be honest with each other and things will be clear.

    Goodluck!


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