Captain: Please help with any insight and reading
I would like insight on what I recently experienced. I'm married, my BD 9.13.74 and husband's is 1.15.74. I have been dealing with my husband's anger issues and possibly even borderline depression, along with issues with his parents and their passive-aggressive behavior for years. I could never put my finger on what the problem was because I always just dealt with his angry outburts and temper. His words have slowly disintegrated our love, but yet he tells me that it's me, my fault, etc. It's been very obvious after my second child was born, two years ago, that something has changed.
Around that time, at my daughter's school, I noticed a man. He and I seemed to be on the same schedule, so when I would help my daughter with her belongings, we'd be in the same room at times. I noted that I felt an energy from him when I'd see him. At times I felt him glancing at me. We never spoke, not even a hello. We'd pass each other in the hall and we'd make brief eye contact, and that was it.
What happened on January 12 changed me forever. I had been considering having another child and I prayed for a sign to either continue these thoughts or a sign to stop and accept my family as is, as my husband and I didn't agree. January 12 happened days after. This man and I passed each other and we made eye contact, this time for a much longer time, 8 seconds. Something hit me - I felt butterflies, lightheaded, breathless, shakey, chills. I felt the world stopped. I couldn't hear or see the people around us. It was like it was just us standing there. I saw a white light. I felt as if we both saw our souls. It was definitely more than just a look. It was intense, intimite, electric. I got in my car and thought, "What was that? Whatever that was almost knocked me over." I had to take a minute to catch my breath. I felt as if he saw into my heart. I can't explain the connection and it was really scary at first. I felt a high for weeks. I knew right away this was different, but we definitely shared something in that moment. Everything that has happened has been natural and not planned. I wonder if he felt it too.
I continued to see him in passing and our eyes always met. I keep telling myself that this is made up, but it seems as if it's not. I keep saying that I must be crazy, but little instances keep happening. A few weeks ago I was standing and he walked in, we made eye contact for four seconds as he was turned facing me completely. One day he was leaving talking on the phone and he waved to me, and it was just because I couldn't open my car so I had to walk on the side where he was. We haven't said a word to each other. It's been pure intense eye contact.
I noticed a sign: the number 12. The year 2012, this happened on January 12, the car I saw the other day had #12.
I feel as if this is an awakening to take a look at myself, my life, examine my feelings and my marriage and finally be strong. I know there are more people involved than just myself. I am realizing that there is a reason for everything in life and a reason why people come into our lives. Timing is everything. I'm not certain of his relationship status or his name. Whatever this moment was, it is a gift that I just cannot ignore. Maybe I'll have a chance to say hello to him soon. Maybe in time I will receive an answer as to the reasoning behind all of this.
I would greatly appreciate any insight on this situation!
You need to get your priorities straight. At the moment your main concern should be deciding what to do about your marriage. So put all thoughts of this other man out of your mind and find a solution. Deal with the present, not a possible future. Certainly having a baby is not a solution if your marriage has gone bad. That would just make things worse. It's like you are being attracted to someone else to 'distract' you from your difficult marriage and partner situation. Decide what to do there before anything else. Make a firm decision.