Seperated and not sure which way to turn



  • Hi

    I threw my husband out as we werent getting on; he has a personality disorder and he wants material things all the time. However; he is now seeking help and seems to be happily getting on with his life.

    We have 2 small children who I am now raising on my own.

    It was 2 months ago since I told him to leave; things had been bad for a while and I planned a get out clause.

    So here I am, in my get out clause; terribly lonely; missing him desperately; wondering have I made the decision; why we just couldn't communicate.? Why did he hurt me so bad that I had to call it a day?

    I have been very down for the past few years; which hasn't helped. He's been a support to me but he has also been a hindrance and his behaviour left something to be desired.

    We went for a day out with the kids yesterday and it was cut short after a bit of an argument.

    I tried to talk to him on the way home; but ended up getting all emotional. I told him previously that I didn't love him or find him attractive. That was then when I was angry. I seemed to have healed somewhat now. And I told him this.

    Maybe it's wrong to do this; but at the time I was badly hurting and have only been able to come to terms with my feelings. I also have my babies to consider; hence me asking him to go in the first place as their home had become like WW3.

    I have counselling booked for this week.

    He rang today to talk but I didn't want to; plus the kids were there.

    Not sure what to do; what to say; do we keep avoid discussing feelings?

    Any input would be gratefully received.

    Many thanks xxx



  • I am not a psychologist but I believe I read somewhere that these people are narcosistic. You have a lot of past pain that is going to be hard to just forget. I think it is very good that he is getting help. Maybe he will continue. Maybe you could discuss with your counselor how to deal w/the difficulties you have experienced w/him. Sounds like he knows he has a problem. That's a good start. Wish it could have been sooner--right. Is he is financial trouble.

    Tell him you are getting help as well. And the doors of communication may be hard at first, but that you would like to talk to him, as well. I think it's good that you are keeping your children away from conflicts. You were on a rollercoaster ride for a long time. Be good to yourself and try not to be hard on yourself. Dee



  • Thanks Dee, today I feel completely different; I feel like I maybe do not want to continue this vicious cycle. Yes he has some financial trouble and seems to "need" to reward himself with expensive items regularly.

    It certainly wasnt the way I should have or wanted to be treated.

    x



  • Hi.......even though I am somewhat hesitant to respond, I read your words and felt your pain. I sympathize with you-my daughter's father and I seperated when she was 18 months old. Why? For my own reasons, huge then, but petty now. We have remained friends for my daughter's sake, and as we have both grown as individuals over the years, we both have come to learn the most important lesson of all:

    : Put your children FIRST. Sacrifice what you must, but they must come FIRST, before your own needs and wants. You have a huge responsibility to give them the best you can, the best love you can, the best upbringing possible.

    If you and their father engage in WW3 constantly before them, think of how it is hurting them. It does, you know.

    This was why my daughter's father & I split; we never fought in front of her, but we were young and foolish and -

    -she lived happily with me after we split until the age of 4. That year I lost our home, and once I moved us, I suddenly realized we were not safe in our new home. Her father came to me, and putting my own needs aside, I honored his request that our daughter live with him. I had to get her out of our situation, immediately, and she moved in with him that very day.

    Now she is 12, still living with him, and he has become a great father, always placing her needs above his own.

    The point of my story is simply this; put your children first, keep their father in their lives, whatever his faults may be....they need him, as well as you.

    Today I am safe and in my daughter's life every day; it is amazing how close our bond is....she completely understands why she remains under her father's care, and loves me for the sacrifice I made for her when she was 4.

    Yet, to be honest, it took me years of crying, hurting, and worrying before I came to realize that my girl is safe, and happy. Now I know though, and togther we move forward into our future.

    Do what is best for your children, and everything else will fall into place. Have faith, and have patience. I wish you blessings and healing.



  • Thanks for your reply, my children do come first; I have come to realise he needs serious help; my children mean the world to me and I feel I was put on this earth to be a mum.

    I think me and him = trouble. He will never change; but how can I say that when he has a personality disorder. It is unlikely he will change; he was awful to me on Saturday and I hated him as much as I normally did when he started shouting and carrying on over a trivial thing.



  • He has a personality disorder, you say. Is he bipolar? Is it borderline personality disorder? You must remember, he is mentally ill, and without proper ongoing treatment...I have the feeling he is set off by anything/everything. Nothing is trivial, in truth, though to you it may seem so. To him, it is probably a huge matter, whatever it may be that sets him off. He most likely needs ongoing therapy and medication, depending on his disorder, and it sounds like he isn't getting it.

    You may want to suggest he seek such care, even if he doesn't want to hear it. Know I speak from experience; I, myself have bipolar and borderline personality disorder, with chronic depression and psychotic features - I am also on daily meds and see my doctor every month to 3 months. Today, I am stable, yet I know how out of control he must feel....without meds and treatment, I was a danger to myself, and to others. It takes time to find the right meds for each individual; it took 10 years to get me where I am today. Just know he is hurting inside, whether he admits it or not, and the reason he keeps buying things is that his spending is a symptom of his disorder. It sounds to me like he needs help, hun.

    If he won't accept help now, he will eventually. He will tire of his pain and the symptoms of his disorder. I pray he will - I know I did. Know that in time, he will grow and mature - but it takes time, and patience with him is key.

    Some men never do change, lol. I am preparing to leave my husband, as he is obsessed with addictions himself, to the point of denying himself-and me-of anything that feels good, natural or chemical. His denials include medicine and now sex, too. Thus I have come to realize that he has never grown one iota from the @$$&@!* he was when we met years ago. And then he was using drink and drugs. I believed his 2 years of sobriety without me had indeed changed him, as he claimed....and I now find myself in a sexless, empty "marriage". He changed, all right.

    Sometimes men do change, though. My daughter's father has changed dramatically, and for the better. So, take heart, dear, for you never know what the future may hold. If I were in your shoes, I would exercise patience with him, try to advise him to seek help for his disorder - for his children's sake, if not for his own - and remember to live in the now, the present, not the past. And do something for yourself, somehing special, just for you. After what you've been through, I believe you certainly deserve it.

    =^..^= Blessings.