Just Lost



  • I thought I would be more active on this site, but I sort of fallen away. I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and keep switching from high to low, not knowing what to do next. As late as January, I had been talking to a couple of wonderful card readers about my situation in the tarot thread. Back then, I felt like I had renewed hope. Now, I'm lost again.

    I feel like I've hit a brick wall here. I've been told that I'll have to make some big decisions this year and that big things were going to happen, yet I've been batting back and and forth on what my final decisions should be, one in particular involving something that hasn't happened yet. Its really just something I hoped would happen as each year when I get a card reading I've been told it was going to happen. Its the only thing that hasn't in all the things that were predicted for me.

    I'm frustrated. This is something that's completely out of my hands, so no amount smiling and positive thinking will affect it. I'm tired of being told to be patient, tired of being told it'll happen, tired of stupid suggestions to make it happen (did several with no results), and tired of false promises. I'm ready to give up, though I know It'll make me miserable for the rest of my life. I JUST WANT TO BE SURE! I have enough to deal with without worrying about it, but its something I want so desperately.

    I don't want to do anything I'll end up regretting. I'm not stupid enough to ACT desperately, but my heart really hurts and sometimes I wonder if I really am doing something wrong. Did I do something to deserve loneliness?

    I'm just shooting this out there to see what would happen. Despite my sphere of friends and family rapidly growing this past year, don't have anyone to talk to. The one person I thought would be at least of some help I fear has forgotten me. Its interesting how having more people in one's life can have the opposite affect you think it would have. There are days were I feel completely empty.

    No one in particular, anybody who can give me something can reply.

    ~JoyLily~



  • What is it you are hoping for? And doing is much better than sitting around hoping.



  • Sorry for being vague. I wasn't thinking when I first posted. Its basically about love and not just a silly fling either. I don't sit around and hope, I know that doesn't do anything, but I do have the worst luck and am beginning to think my efforts are worthless. I've taken plenty of advice from others before. None of it is helping.

    I'm just wondering if I really should give up. I'm not that young anymore, and my chances are growing slimmer. This is someone who's never had a relationship though I have attracted a lot of creeps over the years. Its embarrassing to admit to friends and each time my family brings it up, it gets harder and harder to talk about. I had a rather embarrassing incident happen last December at a cousin's wedding. Some of them kept asking me if I've met someone yet, and I eventually got cornered. At the time, I thought it was a good thing (even though I ended up crying my eyes out) because one of my very outgoing cousins from another state offered to help me with my current situation and have me live with her. But after Christmas I haven't heard a peep out of her.

    I'm in a rather poor financial situation where I have just enough to pay for the necessities. The thing is, that and all my other issues don't hurt me as much as this one does. It would be nice to have someone to come home to.

    I have tried being more aggressive before (in a good way) but all I got was 'Sorry, I just started seeing someone else.' Any guy I found myself attracted to always winds up attached to someone else or uninterested. I don't even have to ask most of the time to find this out. This has happened consistently since high school and several times within the last few months alone. Its not like I'm shut up in my house all the time. I may not be the most outgoing like my cousin who seems to attract guys with no effort, but I do think I'm a pleasant person. The only ones interested are the ones who don't have any concept of personal space (yep, the creeps).

    I've talked with others about this on this site before. The encouragement has worn off. I thought eventually I would hit the mark if I kept my spirits up (I'm naturally very emotional). Guess not. I really do feel like I did something to deserve this.

    I'll probably contact my cousin one last time, and if I don't get an answer, I might have to give up on that too. I really don't understand it. We grew up together, so we're definitely not strangers, but I could live with it, if it doesn't pan out.

    I just want to know what its like to be loved in that special way. I'm getting sick of seeing others obtain what I can't.

    ~JoyLily~



  • OK, then we'd better start looking into reasons why you haven't attracted the right person into your life. Usually it's because there is some issue that needs to be dealt with in regard to your attitude to relationships and love. The fact that you are always attracted to guys who are taken indicates that deep down something is preventing you from wanting a mate who is free and able to commit to you. I am getting a sense from you that, as more and more time passes, you become more and more fearful about both not finding a partner AND finding one. It all seems like a huge monstrous thing that keeps growing bigger and more terrifying - the dating scene. Oh, if only Mr. Right would just knock on your door and save you from putting yourself out there! I am getting that this fear and trepidation radiates out from you and sends potential mates running for cover.

    OK, give me your full birthdate and I will see if there is anything else stopping you from finding romance. By the way, what sort of relationship do you have with your mother and father if you don't mind me asking?



  • My birthday is 7-21-1982. I was born at 10:47 am U.S. Central time, if that helps.

    My mother's been dead since 2008. She died about a week before my birthday of Grave's disease which affected her thyroid. We didn't know what had been causing all the changes in her body until two months before her death. She even had a heart attack while I was still in college and would suddenly get angry for no reason. However, we're very much alike. I look almost just like her and our personalities are pretty close though she's a scorpio.

    I haven't always gotten along with Dad. The last three and a half years have been pretty bad. Most of the time we're civil and manage to enjoy each others company, but we do live in the same house so we get on each others nerves. Mom always said we were both stubborn, but I know a lot of his issues come from his family, mainly his own mother. He doesn't know just how much he's become her. We're talking about a woman who's so manipulative, she came over on my birthday two years ago, thinking that I was by myself (everyone was home) then had the nerve to start an argument with Dad about the past while I got ready to go out. She has a tendency to play the victim (Dad as pulled this on me) and she tries to control him every chance she gets. This doesn’t work nowadays, but when he was younger, she treated him horribly and claimed everything that he earned or she’s given to him to be hers. This is what my sister calls being an Indian giver, where anything she gives you is still hers and expects a gift or some sort of compensation in return. Dad has shown this side of him many times before, but the only thing he hasn’t touched is what I actually earn, unless its to pay for something that I used or borrowed (groceries or gas for the car).

    I know I sound mean when I talk about my dad, but his issues do have a severe affect on our relationship. I’m also still trying to get over things I found out recently that he did to mom when they were younger. I got the most recent revelation from my sister a couple of months ago, and I remember it being one of the reasons why I sort of abandoned this forum because it was starting to affect my attempt to help someone else (I’m an amateur card reader myself).

    I don’t use my dad as a comparison. I know most guys are not like him, and both my sister and I try to do as much as we can outside the house when doing things with friends. We’ve both been trying to get better jobs and find other ways to make money, so we can get out eventually, a hard thing to do since we both have student loans on our heads. I’m kind of the mother of the house now, doing all the cooking and cleaning while sis works all the time (her debt is three times larger than mine). I remember Mom asking me if I wanted to stay with one of my aunts because of how much I butt heads with Dad, but I refused because I didn’t want to leave her unless it was on my own two feet. Several years later I’m still in the same stupid place but without her.

    This I don’t consider part of the problem because a lot of people I know are having to make the same sacrifices for financial reasons, but its frustrating. You’re not the first one who said I was hoping deep down I don’t find anyone because it scares me. I know its scary. I’ve known this the whole time, but I don’t let it stop me. I don’t understand how putting a smile on my face and being pleasant can repel people. The last two years I’ve been doing more outside the house with more people (having a little more money recently has helped), but nothing has come of it.

    I certainly wasn’t an introvert in college. I didn’t go everywhere and do everything, but I was out where I could meet plenty of people. I’ve even been in love before, but the guy just refused to see me that way and continued dating other girls, then one day did something that really hurt my feelings out of the blue (he was normally very sweet). He was probably the closest I ever had to a relationship. There have been others but bad timing and conveniently omitted information kept anything from happening.

    There’s an issue with moving in with my cousin. If I do it now, I won’t have any income. If I wait and see if a job opportunity comes up in her area, it might never happen. I want to go because I know it would put me in a different environment and maybe up my chances. In addition, I would like to start seriously pursuing the home business idea I’ve been thinking about for well over two years, but it takes time to build something like that up, even if its only to supplement what I’m doing now (sis and I are pretty crafty people). The readings I’ve been given the past couple of years have kept pushing me in that direction. I have all the things I need to start, but with other things on my mind, I can’t make myself move. I really need help making some decisions here. The one concerning love is the one that weighs most heavily on me. I feel like with each passing day I’m losing another opportunity.

    I guess last night I couldn’t really take it anymore. I’m spilling my guts out here to see if there is something that can be done.

    ~JoyLily~

    P.S. Joy is my mother’s name.



  • I forgot to mention that Mom died suddenly in our house just when we thought she was getting better. I had to watch Dad try to save her life while I was on the verge of hysterics. I think about that all the time and for a while had a fear of something similar happening before I got anywhere in my life since it turns out thyroid issues are very common in the family (I had myself checked out and am fine, except I found out something else that was affecting my health and weight in a similar fashion as what mom was dealing with at my age. I'm taking steps to deal with it right now.) It still kind of scares me. Mom was still rather young when she died and wasn't ready to go.

    ~JoyLily~



  • JoyLily, you do need to get out of that house, even though you Cancerians have so much trouble leaving your homes. You must make a new home for yourself elsewhere because you don't realise the extent that your parents have and still are influencing your life. You identify strongly with your mother and have developed a fear of meeting someone like your father, even though you consciously may tell yourself that other men are different. Subconsciously you don't want to get yourself into the same situation as your parents. Living in their home makes it very difficult for you to separate yourself as an individual and make objective decisions about your life. As long as you are there, your originality and creativity will be stifled and the home business you desire will not be possible. You have a deep need for material security that may also be keeping you tied to home and unwilling to risk it in the big bad outside world. But if you ever want your situation to change, you have to take a risk on making it on your own. Even if both your parents were no longer there, the memories of the house would still haunt and hinder you. You must overcome your fear of being different and dare to do the things that you know are right for you as an individual. You are a wonderful sweet nurturing person but you tend to only feel happy if other people feel good. So as long as you live with your unhappy father, you will never be content. Everyone has to live their own lives and deal with their own problems, even your dad, so don't feel guilty at wanting to leave him to manage on his own. In the solitude after you're gone, he may do some serious thinking about the things in himself he needs to change. At the moment he is probably subconsciously projecting onto you that he needs a woman around to care for him. He is a control freak, no matter how subtly he hides it. But we all can and should be responsible for ourselves - now it's time you were responsible for just yourself. Stop putting everyone's needs ahead of your own. You are not your mother so go out and find your own life!

    This need to face down your personal conflicts or problems and your sometimes overwhelming creative impulses will mark your lifepath, JoyLily. Yet your efforts to overcome your personal restrictions and your host of fears about the image you project to the world will not go unrewarded. Learning not to be so hard on yourself, to be unafraid of being alone, and to dwell less on what others think of you will be paramount to your success, as will developing a willingness to give your creative and emotional powers full expression. Once you 'break out' - and there are strong indications that you can and will do this - you will discover the joys of a more integrated sense of self and further identify and create images that give form to the more ephemeral aspects of the human experience. You must have the courage to look at your inner workings. Then you will see your great need to break away from all identification with your family (which doesn't mean breaking all ties or communication) and start a new life as an individual. Once you are living as your true self, you will attract people who are like you and who will love and support you. As long as you play the unauthentic role of 'someone else', you will never meet anyone that is compatible with the 'real' you. People subconsciously sense that you are not really 'you' at the moment and run away from someone who is wearing a mask.

    If you can afford it, try changing your appearance in some way with a makeover. (Do you have any beauty colleges in your area where they give free haircuts or beauty treatments to help train their staff?) A new look can make you feel like a new person and may give you the impetus you need to move on from the rut you are stuck in.



  • Just when I think I can do it, I falter. I never thought I would wind up stuck like this, but just thinking all about the complications that would involve moving out and possibly even giving up my job to do it in this tough economy really does put me off. This house really does tend to suck the life out of me to the point I can't seem to concentrate on anything.

    I never thought I would be putting out such a bad vibe. I guess that's why everything at the wedding happened the way it did. No matter how pleasant I am, people always seem to wonder if I'm okay.

    Moving would certainly create an uproar, and it does terrify me. Everybody will be asking what I'll be doing with myself, including my sister who supports moving in with my cousin but doesn't support the home business idea. I don't know why. I've done a good job helping her sell some of her stuff for the past month. I had to ask her to give me a refill on her business cards. I've yet to get that far, partly because of the push to get a regular job (sewing is more time consuming than the jewelry my sis does). I haven't told Dad of my cousin's offer, except for the part about doing something with her for my birthday this year.

    I don’t have anyone who would be completely supportive in what I really want to do. I don’t want to go through this alone. I love my cousin, but she does have a side to her that can be hard to handle. Our views on certain things are wildly different though she’s never attempted to argue with me on anything. We haven’t argued since we were little kids. I’d hate to push her back too hard and put strain on our good relationship.

    What I probably should’ve been asking all along instead dancing around worrying about romance is would my cousin actually accept me if I contact her again. She originally offered with no strings attached, no mention of even getting a job, like she wanted to yank me out of there and take me away on her next flight home. Would it even be a good idea to quit my job and just go for it? This is what I’m afraid will make everyone else upset. Dad is an expert on guilt trips.

    By the way, regarding my situation, I’ve been told before that I’m not my mother by others, including my cousin, in the same way you said it. Nobody had to be psychic to figure that one out, its too obvious even to me. I really want to change that.

    Everything’s tied into my longing for someone to love. I’ve failed at a lot of things in my life, and I don’t want to make another big mistake that’ll mess my life up even more (that’s were I get the feeling that I deserve what’s happened to me). I want to throw the fear away, I just don’t know how.

    ~JoyLily~



  • You have got to quit worrying about what people will think of you if you do the things you want to do, JoyLily. So what if no one else approves of you - you have to approve of yourself by doing the things that you know are right for you.

    And the person you most need to love at the moment is yourself. Do what's right by you. Ask your cousin again and this time sound like you mean it.



  • And things will happen for you when you are really sure and determined you want them. At the moment you have fears of a relationship being like your parents's situation so you deep down don't want to (and therefore do not suceed in) attractting a partner. And you are afraid to leave home for fear of loss of company and material security so you close yourself off to any opportunity to leave. If you really wanted to get out, a way would present itself.



  • Been thinking over what you said. I'm still trying to find the words to express my desires to everyone else. I honestly want to do this.

    I'm having a serious low right now, but I hope my head will be a little clearer soon. I need to lay out what I'm going to say to my cousin. She's the only way out right now.

    Right, now to get some sleep.

    ~JoyLily~



  • No, she's not the only way out and, if you really wanted to get out, another way would present itself. You must resolve your ambivalence about everything.



  • Hello again,

    I know its been three months, but I thought you should know what's been going on.

    I have been in contact with my cousin, though its been limited since we've both been incredibly busy. I myself have gone though some recent physical stress while trying to complete a sewing project for an event I was attending at the beginning of the month.

    I also want to tell you about a recent tarot and psychic reading I had done at the beginning of May and see what you think of it. I tried posting it for Astra Angel but haven't gotten a response yet.

    One woman who I go to every year at a Renaissance fair (and give updates to) gave me another tarot reading I thought was rather interesting. She pointed out that I was still in the middle of a spiritual journey but will soon be able to lay to rest certain issues from my past, and when that happens, I'll finally get to meet someone. There was still the business partner thing that also popped up the year before (and was still also interpreted as a family member which is why I keep thinking of my cousin) and again was told that this partnership would lead to a romantic one, as well as me becoming financially independent within the year. She also pointed out that there was a guardian angel. Not surprising, but I was happy to see it come up in some physical confirmation.

    There was also the part about going from a mere team player (which actually reminded me of my situation at work) into a leadership role. I really don't see myself as that kind of person as you probably already know. There was also a lot of creative energy around me she said was just bursting at the seams trying to get out, which I'll admit inspired me to keep working on my project.

    We talked a minute about what I could do to finally meet my soul mate. She told me to keep going to events where I can meet people with the same interests and to keep confident. And finally she suggested that I keep a dream journal and do something a few minutes every night to help me get focused (and perhaps come up with something relating to whatever religion I practice).

    This I haven't done yet since I was under intense pressure until recently, and I've just recovered from it. I’ve lost some weight, I haven't slept very well and worked a lot of hours the last couple of weeks, and even the couple of weeks leading up to the event was divided up between work and my project leaving little room for anything else. I was walking to work most days too. It wore me out. I’m also still having some nausea and am not sure where its coming from.

    Then later at the fair, I came across a psychic that didn't use tarot and thought it would be interesting to give it a try. I've never met with a psychic in person before and wanted to compare.

    She confirmed much of what the other woman said, but she also gave me some interesting details on what will probably happen. First she told me she picked up my loneliness and depression then pointed out some future events that will help bring that phase of my life to an end. She pointed out a trip that I would take very soon and even said I could just 'pack up and go' if I wanted, describing me as a very independent person and to not worry about Dad. I’ve been getting that same message on this board, but having someone say it to my face gave it some real weight.

    She also picked up my creative energy and told me a story about a man she knew that one day picked up a brush and started painting until he eventually made enough he could support his family. I took it as another sign that I should keep working on my sewing projects.

    Then she told me my cousin missed family terribly and really wanted me to come see her. The woman thought it would be a great idea if I came and live with her.

    Not even a week after these two readings I finally got to talking with my cousin again. We’ve only texted since she is hard to get a hold of, even her mom has to try a couple of times before getting an answer. She has a room mate now, but she suggested staying with her for a few weeks until I got a job. We got really excited about it and said we ought to look at flight plans! Of course, after that when everything got stressful we didn’t talk much. I did manage to ask her where to look for jobs and got a chance to say hi to her last week. Looks like the both of us have been extremely busy, and the plans we wanted to make are on hold right now. I was really hoping to use by paid vacation in July to go see her.

    I keep thinking of the partnership thing the tarot woman kept bringing up every year, and I just can’t help but wonder if it really is my cousin though everything is stalled right now. My cousin was the one that gushed over the purse I made for my self a couple years ago (made one just like it for my sis for graduation too), and she was really interested in my recent costume projects. She even sat with me and watched me make crocheted flowers during Christmas. The only real problem I have with her is getting her to talk with me face to face more about what to do. We usually only touch the subject during family gatherings. Getting her on the phone is almost impossible (though I’m determined to try this week since I’m not working much for once!) She is such a positive person, and I would really appreciate her input.

    You know, I had to fight Dad the whole time I was working on my project. Its sad to see him only complain about the space I was taking up (which he wasn’t really using) instead of being interested in what I was doing. Any interest he did show quickly degenerated into him lecturing me and asking me when I was going to be done. That project put an awful lot of stress on me not just because of the massive setbacks I’ve suffered (you should’ve seen what I did to the dress that went with the costume, I seriously thought I was going to die after that mistake!), but because of Dad’s constant complaining with no regard to the amount of time, money, and effort I was putting into this. I was still going to work, cooking and cleaning, and even entertaining family while all this was going on!

    Back to the psychic woman, the last two things she told me was I was going to meet someone three to four months from then (beginning of May), and that I should not be afraid to talk to him. Made me a bit nervous that I’ll suddenly be too shy around this guy (happens a lot around guys I like), but not as nervous as when she told me I wasn’t going to have a job for a while either. That was the last thing I needed, and that won’t look good for a guy looking for a decent relationship. Even if I went through with staying with my cousin for a while to look for a job and failed, I was going to rely on the store I work in now to rehire me (they LOVE rehiring former employees!). This woman simply said “you’re not going to have a job for a while.” That’s it. No mention of what I’ll be doing after that. At the time I was thinking that was because I’ll be in Florida. Doesn’t look that way now.

    Both her and the tarot woman indicated something significant in my relationship was supposed to happen around Thanksgiving or Christmas too. I didn’t know what they meant and at the time I just left it to remain a mystery, but now its bugging me. I want to know!

    Captain, you were very blunt with me the last time I posted here, and I appreciated that. Looking back now, I’m actually a little embarrassed. I was so down at the time and really should’ve just let myself calm down before begging for more help. I’m doing my best to set things in motion now, but so many roadblocks keep popping up. Have any suggestions? Anything I can do to get my mind focused like the tarot woman suggested? I’m really terrible at such things. I seem to be a very panicky person and sometimes just want to bury myself somewhere whenever I think of the meltdowns I’ve had. They seem so stupid afterwards.

    And if there’s anything you can tell me about what these two women said, I would appreciate that too!

    ~JoyLily~



  • So in three months, nothing much has changed, except that your situation has become even more intolerable. You desperately want to be in control of your life, yet your fear of moving out and being on your own keeps you stuck in the same situation. You always look to other people to save you - your cousin or some knight in shining armour - but the only person who can help you is YOU. You have to get yourself unstuck, even if it is only borrowing or putting a little money by each week to save up enough to get your own place. Your cousin's invitation is limited and risky. Since she already has a roommate, she would only tolerate your living with her for a few weeks (as she said) until you found a job. If you didn't immediately get one, things would turn awkward, even nasty, there. Your sister won't help either because she probably fears she would have to look after your father or arrange for his care if you moved out. But if you got a place in the same town, you could visit your father from time to time to check up on him while still retaining your independence. And you are not going to meet a life partner while stuck at home.

    So it's all up to you to get yourself out of a situation that is slowly chipping away at your willpower and self-esteem. There are no miracle lightning bolts of luck coming to you. You have to do the work yourself if you ever want to have a life and unleash your immense creativity, which is being stifled at the moment. Once you have your own place and space, your productivity and imagination can flow unchecked and uncriticized. Please don't let another three months go by without doing something to relieve your situation or you will truly become your mother, stuck at home with a critical miserable man for the rest of your life. Your father is never going to be grateful or honour you for your help and support. Accept that. Stop feeling responsible for and nurturing others for a while and nurture yourself before the stress kills you. Stop putting everyone else's needs before your own.


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