Captain



  • Captain, you seem inundated with requests for your insight.

    I read the forum a couple of times a week and invariably come away with some useful wisdom, which I can apply to my own life in one way or another. My difficulties are certainly not exceptional. But I'd value your feedback please if you want to give it. Not that I haven't had advice! I have. I just still don't have any clarity. I think I read recently that in the Dao there are no choices; when the moment to act arrives it's perfectly clear. So maybe I don't need advice. Maybe I'd just be glad to think it through. You'll do what you think is appropriate.

    Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by trying to do the right thing and by the plethora of opinions of what constitutes the right thing. I'm left feeling like a coward for doing nothing and worse a selfish coward for remaining in a comfortable relationship (with the father of my two daughters) whilst at the same time knowing that that course of action (remaining faithful - in body if not spirit and in the relationship) would be regarded as appropriate in many peoples view. Maybe it is? Our children seem pretty well.

    You've read for me before (a couple of years ago?). It went something like this - should I stay with my lovely partner or pursue a relationship with another man I adore? Your reply was that the first would be better as a friend, although he has valuable teaching for me and the second, better as a colleague, however, if we got over our differences the second potential relationship could have benefits beyond our relationship. (I hope I haven't misrepresented what you said, it's a while since I read it. (me 26/1/74, partner 08/09/73, friend 11/07/52, daughter 15/10/97, daughter 27/09/01). In October I asked Watergirl whether I should stay or go (not mentioning my daughters or my friend) her reply was "Go!"

    I respect what you said recently (somewhere) that it's inappropriate to go from one significant relationship to another. And I've been working to become financially independent so that money isn't a factor behind any decision I make. Realistically, I'm a way off being able to support myself and children financially, but if I was in a terrible relationship I'd just leave. But I'm not. We're kind and pretty honest with each other. We don't have much in common, but care about each others well-being a lot.

    Over the last five years I've passed through complete infatuation and obsession over my friend to a much calmer love. I've had several periods where I have opted for no contact for months and more recently (last time was last year for six months) that made things easier. It didn't make me think my partner and I should stay together, but it was less stressful than coping with regularly stoked desire for someone else.

    I do too much divination, not finding it easy to let go of the idea of having a relationship with my friend. I read recently (you again I think) that reading for myself can skew the answer. So I'm left with a feeling of not knowing what is real and what is fantasy. Last week an I Ching reading talked about the incredibly positive potential of the relationship with my friend (I'm tempted to bore you with quotes, but won't) but then also that I am blocked (and I don't think it's talking about my partner somehow).

    Yesterday, I had the feeling that there wasn't going to be anything between us after all and that for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had blown the potential relationship out of all proportion.

    Captain, you'll see from these ramblings why I mostly come to the forum to read. I'm one of many trying to find the right way through life. It's not big, it's not clever. I would just welcome some guidance. Where should I put my attention to find the answers please?

    By the way, I have been experimenting with tipping my head to the right to access my higher self (you again I think - starting to feel like a disciple or a stalker). I had wonderfully clear messages about treating someone, but nothing at all clear about myself.

    I haven't read everything, but I read that you've been having a challenging time with your mother and your family. I hope you are finding your way through. It must be weighty being someone who works hard to make a situation better, watching your mother taking no action to help herself. I wish you both the best.

    Thanks for reading. Not because I think you should (it's fine if you don't) but because, I observe, that you probably will. I hope it's good for you. Is it good for you?

    Greenshoots



  • It's good for me, thanks! 🙂 And yes things are working much better for me. I realize now I should not expect anyone to change just because I think I know what's best for them, even if they choose to keep on harming themselves.

    The main thing that comes to my mind when reading your post is that you are trying to decide a situation that involves three adults and two children on your own. You have struggled over the issue of whether to go or stay for such a long time with no result or decision. That's because you have to involve everyone in the discussion, if not the result. You need to be honest with everyone and they with you. It will take a lot of courage but you need to close this issue once and for all. Talk honestly with your partner and your friend. Make them be honest with you about how and what they want their life to be - with you or without you. And you must tell them what you want. This is not an issue that can be resolved by yourself alone until you know all the facts - and until you discuss this with everyone, you won't know the whole truth of what they are feeling. You have to be brave and honest - it's the only way really to resolve this once and for all. A third path might even come out fo all this - for you and your daughters to go on alone but whatever happens, you have to do what is right and authentic for you.



  • Captain, thank you. Even though I've felt exposed since posting, I'm very grateful for your time and willingness to share. I have little doubt that it will be my daughters and I together, in fact it's what I've been working towards for while, knowing that if anything is meant to come together with my friend it will - if not, it won't! I'm not sure what happened earlier in the week. I got bound up in myself for a moment and couldn't see where I was going. Thanks for loosening those bonds.

    I'm looking for a home, somewhere to act as a gentle transition, where my daughters can easily spend time with their dad or me. Maybe now isn't the moment to leave the city. All in good time and the time to lovingly bring this phase of my relationship to an end, has come. It's not going feel ok. Thanks again.

    I'm glad you've found some peace in your relationship with your mother. And I'm glad all your support of others nourishes you.

    What am I doing in doors! The sun has been shining all day .... enough of this cowering in the shadows.

    Love.



  • Good luck to you and let me know how you go. 🙂



  • Thank you.


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