Given up on love...



  • I've already shared some of the saga that I had recently gone through with my Cancerian...he's still sidestepping and in any case I've decided to call it quits from my end for good...and decided that I need a break from all-things relationship...for quite a while at least...

    A part of me just died with this 'relationship'...too much hurt, sacrifice, work, emotional turmoil, betrayals from common friends, people I've considered close, etc. a part of me just became more realistic, less idealistic, not putting the beloved on a pedestal, naively assuming the best in people, generally just treating humans as what they are and not what they ought to me...and respecting their humanness (which to me means: making mistakes, being selfish, being nice until their own interest is concerned, not being trust-worthy, being far more complex than what they appear to be...)...I no longer feel that one must, or needs to be with someone...Instead, I'm just enjoying my freedom (albeit I'm doing pretty regular things, but in my own time and leisure, I feel I am mine and not someone else's property...I feel more empowered, less relaxed, more inclined)...

    Anyway, the plan is to just stay closed off emotionally, focus on my work and career, travel and see the world, set an exit strategy from my current city, live in different countries, learn different languages and just see the world and live. A part of me is slightly concerned, 'but what if I don't find the one' and I tell myself that I will no longer lower my standards...either the one is really the one, or i'd rather just be alone...I know that I cannot help but give my all (eventually) in something, and I just want to do it for someone who really deserves it. and if that person doesn't come...then that's OK as well...I've come to terms with the fact that I may well be a loner, despite my extensive network of friends...I've always broken free from society's restriction, familial ties, relationship ties, etc. and felt generally better and happier alone (I just dont like the drama, and I know that I have high expectations)...

    It feels like a bittersweet conclusion. But i feel that this decision is more pragmatic, reliable and sustainable. I'd rather save up and work and advance in my career, rely on myself for my needs, quench my thirst and curiosity for the unknown, the other, the world, knowledge, etc. I've actually begun to find beauty in the despair of the song 'Constant Craving'...

    I just want to be comfortable, happy, safe and secure...the turmoils, drama and constant waxing and waning just took its toll on me. I feel 5 years older already. I just wanted to share this and wanted to know your thoughts...



  • U did mentioned part of you died but would you still think of him and would you still go back to him if eventually sum up the courage to seek you back ?



  • Awee ((hugs)) I am right there with you. I do not know your entire history, but know what you are going through. Us Cancers are known for sidestepping and I have caught myself doing it a number of times. Try not to close yourself off emotionally though because you may not be able to let that special someone in if they should happen along. Taking all that time and love and engergy you would put into a realtionship and giving it to yourself is not a bad thing, its the most complete feeling I have ever felt. When you love you it gives off an entire aura for others, I have found I do not NEED someone in my life, but when he shows up eventually, it will feel good knowing I am comfortable with me and not rely on him to make me happy.



  • hehe i doubt he would summon the courage to get back to me...continuous annoying cancer dance...but even if he would...it would never work out because im too closed up, protective, skeptical, hiding in my shell from everything and everyone and just not receptive...and he simply does not have the maturity, stamina, determination or courage and guts to melt the walls...he is too passive, scared, insecure, weak and afraid.



  • Well, me and cm took a yr playing hide seek .. now he is back and i back off again after one week of reconciliation .. cos i afraid i cannot handle another blow/shock..really too painstaking to another risk.. now am same situation liek you for his lack of insecurity really lame as an excuse to find a fling.