Fell for hurt & newly divorced Taurus Man. Now what?
This will be long, but it's a story I'd love to read as a visitor. I'm looking for your advice, thoughts, suggestions, or the perspective a Taurus male, female or expert on them can offer that I don't have.
My Taurus Man is 41, I'm 43. He's less than a year from the anniversary of his painful & abrupt divorce and has no children, but he did give up his dogs to his ex & they were his children. I am almost finalized with my divorce, which is a blessing for me. I am ready for love as I was never in love to the man I married & his leaving did me a favor, now I can find the worthy love I've always wanted.
I met my Taurus on a dating site in Nov (2011). When I first came across his lengthy and wonderful profile about the kind of man he is from his POV, I thought he wrote it for me. After many fun & simple email exchanges, a few where he was forthcoming w/personal details about what led him to move to my state in October (1 month prior), our schedules lined up to meet for coffee in Dec.
My heart jolted in my chest when he walked thru the door. From the moment he sat down with me he grinned & never took his eyes off me again. It took 10 min of conversation & I knew he wanted to kiss me, but we sat there sharing basic information for over an hour till we both had to go. He was right behind me out the door and wanted to kiss me the second we were outside but I directed him to a more private spot near my truck. Without hesitation he took me in his arms & kissed me good & we parted grinning. I knew I was in trouble then. 30 min later I got an email saying how much he enjoyed meeting me, how sexy both I & my brain were to him & how he looked forward to seeing me again. I left w/my sons for xmas vacation days later. Thinking about that kiss was with me every night I lay down to sleep. I emailed him xmas eve w/a pic of the scenery where we were & merry xmas message. As he would prove to always be, he was immediately responsive, emailing back a short similar wish that ended with "Hurry Back!".
As soon I as I was back in town after the 12 day trip, I emailed him I was home & finally gave my cell number & he texted me 12 mins later. We caught up a bit on text, discussing schedules, & when I teased him about his upcoming work demands (he's an ER nurse), he responded, "I know... thought a lot about that kiss in the parking lot". Just like I had every night. We ended up agreeing to meet the next afternoon--he changed his routine & did this on short notice to meet me.
2nd meeting, same place. He arrived right after me & crossed the parking lot to me & took me in his arms without hesitation and kissed me good & hello. In the cafe, he stood as close behind me as possible, as if I were his, never let me pay for anything, offered me his coat when I was clearly cold, pulled his chair right up to mine when we sat down & took my hand in his as we started catching up. He was either holding my hand, my knee or leg, or trying to touch me in some way for the next 90 mins without ever taking his eyes off me. At one point I sat w/my face resting on my knee in my hand, gazing back at him w/full unwavering intensity & he did the same. When we left he wanted to kiss me again right away, but I had him get in my truck w/me where we made out for many minutes, him identifying w/the music I was playing, then culminating w/him sensually kissing the back on my hand as he held it before he left. A follow-up text minutes later w/how much he felt like a teenage making out in the parking lot, how much he looked forward to seeing more of me.
6 days & he texted me, asking me to breakfast in 4 days & then if I'd come back to his place. I agreed, but w/stipulation that I wasn't able/ready to have sex w/him yet. He was fine with that. Texted me a bit in between about him finding a place we'd eat & being impatient about seeing me. Met him that Monday morning, talked a lot more. Was starting to get more info on his past. I look nothing like any of his former loves. His wife & most recent post-divorce quick relationships all dark hair & eyes, curvy built, bigger bodied girls. I'm 5'10, blonde, blue eyes, strong built but more statuesque/proportional, long legs. Our chemistry & connection is always intense, comfortable, incredibly affectionate and physical. His eyes rarely leave mine & he's always trying to touch or be in contact with me and I welcome & love it. I am very open hearted, strong and fearless.
We spent 3 hours at his place, shared some personal disclosures, had lots of physical contact and making out but no sex, oral or otherwise, all clothes stayed on. He fell asleep in my arms for 45 mins.
My girlfriends told me I had to tell him how I felt, so 3 days later in a direct email, I did. I let him know very clearly how I felt when I first saw him, how vulnerable I feel when with him, how my body reacts so strongly to him, but most importantly, how further involvement w/him would mean more to me than just a hook-up or one-nighter. I told him I'm not afraid of intensity or chemistry. I said 'IF and when I see you again', giving him an out if he needed. His response a few hours later, sent on his phone while on a break at work, made me want him more. He said he saw me as a woman strong & comfortable in her sexuality & he respected my boundaries and looked forward to seeing me again & was willing to move at any pace I needed to set.
I replied how much I appreciated that & looked forward to seeing him, then I stood back, having researched Taurus men I knew about giving space. 6 days later, he sends me a text w/a pic of him having just filled in a tattoo on his arm. He asks me to come over in 4 mornings & take a nap w/him after my kids are at school & he's just come off a 12 hr ER shift. It's almost a repeat of before, catching up, lots of making out & snuggling, him coming down from a stressful night's work, letting me into his private world, he falls asleep in my arms again & I leave a while later. I was ready to be with him, so we set an overnight date for that upcoming weekend, 5 days later.
No contact till that day, I give him space in between, he texts to confirm we're still on early in the day. I arrive at his place at 2pm, he was ready for us to leave for lunch, but I was ready for HIM. We have a drink together, he's always standing in my arms or kissing me when we're in the same room. LOVE this guy. We finally come together & it's passionate. He takes me to lunch, before then picking up my keys w/pix of my boys on them, the first time he's looked into them. At lunch he asks about my children & stressful week (my sons have autism) & is an amazing active listener as I tell him about them. After lunch he takes a detour & drives me up to an overlook in the mountains where we get to watch the sunset. It's gorgeous. He asks on the drive back to his place about other luck I've had on the dating site. I say not much, not wanting to tell him yet I've lost interest in others.
We have sex again upon returning to his place, it's more intense. He's an aggressive, passionate lover in contrast to his gentle affectionate ways otherwise. He falls asleep for a couple hours, I get ready for us to go out for the evening & relax. I wake him later & we head out, he's always such a gentleman, always close to me, always kissing me or holding me. I'm hooked.
We have a ball, he takes me 2 a couple of his favorite haunts, I take him to 1 of mine. He puts his hand on my knee at the table, he discloses more about his ex-wife, but now I wish I'd asked so much more, it just didn't seem right to barrage him with questions on our first night. When I share that now I know I hadn't married b/c I was in love & ask him the same, he says, "Oh, I was in love with her." He shares a lot about the stresses of his life & death job. He is a deeply caring, sensitive but very strong hearted man.
Back at his place we've had lots to drink and still have amazing sex w/abandon on his sturdy kitchen counters & back in his bed & fall asleep together. In the middle of the night I have a bad feeling. I wake up & he's on the other side of the bed. He doesn't come near me for the rest of the night & I have fitful sleep. In the morning he gets right up, & when he comes back to the bedroom he's fully dressed from where we'd thrown our clothes in the kitchen. He lays down next to me on the bed, hands folded quietly on his chest. I am hungover but it hurts, something has changed. I get up to dress feeling like I'm now intruding. He makes us coffee & offers to make me breakfast but is out of stuff. He does come back into my arms in the kitchen again, then we sit opposite each other at his table & he asks me what's wrong after seeing my expression. I tentatively ask if it's OK that I'm here this morning, that he slept apart from me & then got up & dressed so quickly. He says beautifully & grinning, "You've got those women's wheels turning, don't you?" and makes me laugh. We talk a bit more & he says we should "do this again sometime", then i need to go anyway. Before I leave I tell him what I couldnt last night, that I said I hadn't too many other dates because I'd lost interest in others. He lights up with surprise. Then he walks me to my truck after starting it for me & carries my things. Kisses me goodbye & says he'll call me.
3 days later I send an email telling him how such a good night put a spring in my step & he responds immediately that he had a great time too. Then nothing. I send a short email 8 days after our night simply telling him I was having great memories of being with him, to encourage him if he needed it. For the first time, no response. Then he disappears. The following weekend he posts a comment on a new picture of my face I'd put on my dating profile, saying, "Love It!". I email him and tell him how much I enjoy him, how I have no agenda but think he's a good man w/a strong heart & I just want to get to know him better. I offer to cook him dinner, take him out, and especially express to him that i understand his need for space, that I'm happy to take things slow & respect his boundaries. No response till 5 days later.
I suddenly receive an email from him that tells me how much he liked my email to him, and that as much as he'd like to see me again, he's 'currently seeing someone'. Says it's in the early stages & doesn't want to screw it up but that w/his luck it could go sour & if it does he'll 'call me' (um, no you won't). Then makes a comment referencing how happy looking at his countertops makes him w/the memories. I'm stunned.
I'm not letting him get away that easily. I made it clear in my email before sex how vulnerable I was to him & how going forward would mean more than once with me. I have the opportunity so I drive to his house, knowing he'd be there. I just want him to have to see me. He's happy to see me when he opens the door, immediately moves to kiss me hello but I move so he can only get my cheek. He's more serious now & let's me in. I am very calm and warm, not angry or emotional in any way. I never cry or talk above a calm voice while I'm there. I tell him I know I made myself clear to him how I felt, that I gave him every opportunity not to go forward w/me, that I made it clear that it would mean more than sex to me. He looks very pained the entire time, but he listens & his eyes never leave me, he's never defensive, he just takes me in. He keeps moving closer to me, keeps motioning to touch me. When he tries to say that he thought we both knew it was just a 'casual relationship' he asks it almost in a question, as if he knows better. I was shaking my head before his sentence finished & say no, I know I made myself clear. I motion between us & say there's more here than that, isn't there? And he makes the barest nod of agreement & then there's nothing else to say. I stand to leave & he takes me in his arms again, hugging me long. At the door I say, "and no, I don't want you to call me if it doesn't work out. If it didn't mean enough to you the 1st time than I've no interest in being 2nd place." He turned away halfway thru my statement & couldn't look at me anymore. Then I leave.
That was a month ago. He's looked at my profile a few times, including on that day after I left. Thanks to the wonders of Facebook & public profiles, I was able to see many pix on the older feed of his page & then find a tag to his ex-wife, who he isn't FB friends w/anymore, and on her page were many old albums of their life together. They were clearly in love. She a Pisces, he a Taurus. Married not even 6 years, he told me she'd never wanted kids so he'd gotten a vasectomy (in his early 30's!) but he'd always thought he'd be a 'fun dad'. A year before my 1st coffee date with him his ex was still posting about wonderful gifts he got for her. Then somewhere between Jan & Apr of 2011, their marriage ended abruptly & within 3 mos after that he took a job all the way across the country as far away as he could be and moved here. At this point, I doubt it's even to the 1st anniversary of his divorce.
I am sure that he bailed on me. That he's still recovering from a fairly severe broken heart & was in no way ready for a connection of the magnitude we generated. He gave up any dreams of children for the woman he was in love with & then their marriage failed after less than 6 years. I have so many questions of what happened to them. Did she cheat? Were there too many difficulties & he gave up?
So now I feel bad having cut off my relationship with him, even though he chose to not pursue me. Until he heals, he can't give me what I need, but it doesn't feel right to not know him at all. I think about him everyday, sometimes so much I wish I could turn it off. I miss him and what I felt with him, it was like love heroin, and he is everything I crave in a man.
I've thought of emailing him & asking him to meet me for coffee, then advocating that we should be friends. But what I've read about Taurus needing loyalty and perseverance, but also loving independent strong women, I'm not sure what to do, if anything at all. I realize Taurus needs lots of time. My Tarot cards show repeatedly that he misses me and wants me to. He still checks in daily on the dating sites so whoever he's involved with isn't too serious, which I think is how he wants it & I don't blame him.
Maybe I should be patient & see if he comes back someday? Your thoughts if you've survived reading this marathon story. Thank you for any feedback, especially Tauruses or those that know them well.
Your Taurus man does like you, but I feel he is still very much in love with his ex-wife and subconsciously looking for her in every woman he meets. When they turn out not to be like her, he moves on.
Scarlett – I feel your pain and can relate to it personally. So much so that I decided not to date divorced males. I might consider one if he has been divorced for 10 years or so and even that is a slim maybe and it would take me a very long time to open up. My ex divorced male is 42 and also did not want to loose his wife, she left him for another man who she moved in with shortly after. We also had the same intensity, connection, everything; so strong you question how he could possibly let it go? You KNOW he felt it to right? Wrong, they feel nothing but a simple desire to make the pain and longing for the one who left to go away. Not to say he doesn’t/didn’t like you, I’m sure he does, but that “like” cannot compete with the emotional house cleaning he must do to be ready for anyone romantically.
He is not ready, for whatever reason; for you or anyone else and unfortunately he will keep repeating this sad behavior of connecting and letting go until he sorts himself out. Maybe later, maybe never.
“I've thought of emailing him & asking him to meet me for coffee, then advocating that we should be friends.” Please don’t do this, it will send him the message that what he did was ok and its not. He can and will reach out if he wants to. Your offer of friendship is just a way of keeping him in your life and will only prolong the pain.
“Maybe I should be patient & see if he comes back someday?” He may, mine did but it didn’t matter because he had not changed. Take this experience , learn what you can from it and please, for your sake; fight the desire to go back.
Thank you, Captain & Snowball, for your insightful replies. It's good to hear objective advice. Your perspective, Captain, was one I hadn't thought of & a great one, & thank you, Snowball, for telling me what I need to hear. You're very right. I know this, and the same conclusion was already resting with me, so the backup is helpful.
The connection that was there was like being given water when I didn't know I was dehydrated. It gives me something to look forward to finding again.
The more replies & perspectives to me the merrier! THANK YOU for reading my marathon writing!
Also, though this Taurus man SAYS he likes your strength and independence, what he really wants is a compliant partner who lets him take the lead and defers to him for protection, nurturing, and advice so that he can feel like a 'real' man. Someone who needs him to help them with their life. You can bet his ex-wife was a passive type in some way.
Ouch it hurts just reading it. All of us who have felt the power that you speak of understand the attraction and how fulfilling those connections can ...seem. Forget about the wife or why he's who he is... Bottom line. Men don't experience things the same. Physical union can be good/great but can be just... that. The hook heart/g spot connection we experiece is very different for men.A lot of men will say whatever you want to hear to get it. For a lot of women that's ok too but if you were clear w/ him & are not ok w/ his sudden distances and"his seeing someone else" to boot ?which he did not bother to mention to you.I would be so out of there! I highly recommend you take a leap back to get a different perspective. If you are so vulnerable I'd practice some behaviour modification, certain needs are hard to shut down I know but vulnerable needy woman are what the predator types look for, are drawn to. Charming passionate affectionate does not necessarily mean good intentioned guy. Let him do his own homework. I'd look to your own needs and ways to strengthen your self esteem. You had fun experienced Your sensual side (what You felt was You/Yours) Your capacity to feel connected, own it it's Yours. It's not his doing or because of him or something he gave you, he's just a catalyst. I apologize if I'm harsh. People who take advantage like that piss me off.Good luck dear.