How much is enough?

  • Paddi.....I am thinking about you non stop!!

  • Paddi my love - first of all, in this thread and this thread alone, I feel the need to speak to you in a language that I don't even know....

    He is only hiding behind the workaholic facade.....I know you know this......he despises failure......yet he is failing terribly......I do not believe he realizes this yet, but he needs to.

  • Paddifluff - How often I have read the advise, "schedule time for your mate". I think if you can get him to commit to an evening or a chunk of time every week, for example, every Thursday from 5-9 pm, he has an "appointment" - with his family or even just with his girls so that Mom can get a break. There shouldn't be any issue with scheduling appointments around one night a week. It's totally normal for people to say, "Thursday won't work, I already have an appointment, let's look at Friday instead". If you can convince him to try it, then maybe getting started that could just be relaxing time so that he finds it pleasant (you know, don't put any demands on him like, cook the girls dinner, give them baths and get them to bed - I'll see you in three hours) and who knows...maybe he would start to look forward to the break from his jobs.

    I know how tough it is. My ex worked a full-time job with a commute and then part of the year he did work at home as well for extra income. We didn't need more money. He had a very good job. But it is him, and the experience of growing up in a family of 8, and they always had to watch the money. This drives him to this day. He will never have enough money and so I eventually had enough. Like you, I felt like I did everything at home (3 kids) and he was alienating me and the children. It's not easy working full-time myself now, and I have the kids 50% of the time (but still see them for activities in between). But at least I don't live in resentment and unhappiness because of working so hard and getting no appreciation for it. Of course his complaint was the same, he felt he was working so hard to take care of us and wasn't appreciated for it.

    The tension between us got unbearable and the hostility grew. I left as much to force him to have to spend time with his kids as for me to get away from the growing rage of the situation. After we divorced I was very worried at first about him neglecting the kids when he had them, and it took some time, and I believe it was very stressful for him coping with his work and kids, but things fell into place eventually. He will never be a warm fuzzy guy to the kids, but I really believe they have a deeper relationship with him than they would have had if I had still been in the picture. He passed everything off on me with the kids to the point he had no solid relationships with them (and then criticized me if they weren't growing up meeting his expectations - but that's another story).

    "Normal" is different for everyone. If you have to ask the question, then whether this is "normal" or not, it's not feeling happy to you. Wishing you the best Paddifluff. Hang in there and try to work things out before the resentment gets too deep.

  • Jenever7 ....welcome..I have read some of your post and I can tell that you are so sincere, hinest and real!! Best to you!

  • Thank you Taurus7 for the compliment. All I can say is I keep trying, lol. Wishing all good things for you too!

  • T7 I am on gmail if you want to have a chat off the board, paddifluff at.

    Jenever thank you so much for your advice, everything you write is the same for me down to criticism about the kids. I have tried the appointment scheduling and sometimes it works. I too think if we divorced he would have to make time for the kids every 2 weeks. Kind of radical though.

    Thank you again!

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