I realize you are very busy and that sometimes we all ask too much of you and your gift, but if you have the time and energy I could use some help.
I seem to have slipped back alittle and I am not sure why as on the surface things are going fine.
I have alot of people at work, co workers and customers who seem to really like me and take the time to tell me so every day.
When I walk in our out of the store I am followed by a everyone saying hello or goodbye to me and it is kinda funny.
I am trying to keep myself busy and have been working on my garden and my home when I have the time, but when my mind is quiet all these things jump in and make me sad.
I need a new fence, my house needs paint inside and out, my carpets are old, my car is older and for the first time in my life I worry about money every day.
Add that to my broken heart and I struggle so much.
Ron came out on Tys birthday and took him to breakfast, and gave him a little money for a gift. he also gave
Trev some as he ignored his birthday in December.
I asked the boys how he was and they said it wasn't my business anymore and they didn't want to tell me. That hurt.
Ron hasn' t replied tp my lawyer since the call last month so nothing has moved forward with that either.
I feel like I am lost in limbo and can't do anything about it.
Can you tell me anything I can do to fix all this.
I know you said the end was coming and that he would have health problems, but nothing has happened.
You aren't near him enough to really know his health---what he is ignoring will come to crises and that sting from your boys---that was Ron's doing but it will pass--he just told them "things' that would lessen their pain of the truth. Like you have in the past--your sons at times cling to ideas and excuses that will feel better than the harsh reality. Ron's explaination of his neglect and not being there more was that things are too hostle and strained between you and him and he can be very manipulative and pretty much painted a picture that told them that it was because you two don't get along he just stays away---how really tough it is and how he doesn't want any fighting yadda yadda yadda. So he fed that demon in the boys that still harbors great anger at this situation and how they express the brunt of it your way because your the one there. Believe me it will wear off so forgive your boys---the truth is they are not dumb--they will know what they know--he will disapoint them again and again--and if you take the high road and resist venting about Ron in any way around them you will come out ahead. They are very devastated by his abandonment and feel the personal rejection---it was easy to feel the momentary lie he painted that his walking away somhow was about you but really----once they are away from him again awhile and using their head they know he's making excuses. Specially when they see that you are not in some big fighting mode and you are no way keeping them apart. Thing is---at some point all Ron is doing is setting them up for a big anger outburst once they feel had---just like you do after you fall for that sweet side ----they feel just like you do after trusting him. He told them not to to tell you anything because you two are in court and you will use it against him---he gave them one big sob story and untied himself with them which was seductive. It felt good for your boys but honestly? You are their foundation--their true protection and reality is reality. I haven't answered in awhile because truth is that your personal down and out feelings are really universal right now--WE ALL have struggled January specially and into Feb. Many of us have revisted old past hurts and had nervouse issues--fears and money worries--more than usual. The thing with your lawyer is really in your hands but solving it will take a desicion and finding some money. I'm assuming your family is not able to help? Write your lawyer a letter telling him--THE FACTS. Leave out emotions. The facts are?
I am grateful for your time and your generouse offer to handle my divorce. I know it was out of loyalty to my family. Thank you! I'm afraid now several years in that maybe this generouse gesture has worn thin and perhaps your expectation was of something more agreeable between Ron and I. Considering Ron's abandonment of the marriage and his moving on to another relationship I too expected he would be more agreeable to a divorce. I know you are a very busy man and time is money and going to court on my behalf maybe is not what you expected. You have always encouraged me to skip the emotions and just deal with the reality. So here I am right now ready to put an end to this and asking you to please advise me realisticaly so we can both get on with our lives. I'm sure you are tired of dealing with this. Ron is never going to voluntarily agree to anything. Why would he? I need to take him to court. If this freebie is holding me back please tell me now. I know it's not personal if you can not afford to be so generouse. I need to know if I should bite the bullit, beg borrow and find the money it will take to pay a lawyer what he deserves to fight for me and get this divorce.
Respectfully and with much apreceation for your time---NANCY.
Send it and when you get your answer---the desicion is made and at least you will not be on hold. Either the lawyer will breathe a sigh and refer you to another lawyer or he will get off the fence and get it done already--a priority as if paid for. I know you are wondering why Spirit won't just TELL YOU how this will work---it's because empowerment has been the foundation of this journey and it's for YOU to not be helpless or trapped---to find your way out. You can expect guidence and encouragement but it's up to you to make the bold move---even if it's not what you WANT to do---but it's what you need to do---the universe does back you up though when you make that move. All around spirit has been sending messages that---people are out there to help you--the world really is a friend for you to receive---let go of those holding you back. Demand more--expect more. You do not have to settle. BLESSINGS!
I read this on the Oprah site---Deepek Chopra answers questions--it's a great reading place! They give permission to share but I deleted her name anyway. Her question made me think of you!
Each week, spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra responds to Oprah.com users' questions with enlightening advice to help them live their best lives. The circumstances are different but the fear is similiar. And I thought how some of his advice--you have been already workig hard at. I just liked his view about court---the entitlement to get what YOU DO deserve!
Q: I found out my husband was having an affair with his young secretary. When he finally admitted it, we decided to try to work it out. We went to counseling and tried lots of things. It always seemed like something was wrong; he never seemed truly sorry. After eight months, I found out he was contacting her again. I made him leave the house, and we told our shocked kids that we were getting a divorce. It was a shock to everyone who thought we were a happy couple.
Now he has moved on. I am left to keep things going for the kids. He swoops in every other weekend for Daddy fun time. I am a mess mourning my marriage and my life! How do I move on? Why is it so unfair? I am a stay-at-home mom, having left my job 11 years ago. Now I have to hope my ex will give us enough money to survive. Where do I find strength in this horrible event?
— Audubon, Pennsylvania
The telling sentence in your letter is the hope that your straying husband will give you enough money to survive. I'm afraid this bespeaks some deep dependency issues on your part. Having clung to him before, you want to cling to him even now. This man cheated and betrayed you; he has abandoned his responsibilities as a father and no doubt is thrilled with himself for getting away with it.
If you haven't turned to the courts for redress, I can't imagine why. Stop wishing. Stop waiting for him to be generous. You must grow out of your tendency to feel like a child and stand up for yourself as an adult. Such a move may be painful. You will certainly feel the role doesn't quite fit. But until you take steps to claim what is rightfully yours, how can you reclaim your life?
I'd also urge you to find a mature, stable person who will serve as a sounding board and hopefully more. You need guidance, because at present there is a hole in your self that your husband used to fill. Eventually you must fill it with your own strength and sense of worth. But that's asking too much in your present vulnerable state. Let's see if you can fill the hole temporarily with another person's strength. Until you find such a person, keep looking. There is a way out of this difficult situation, but I fear you won't find it alone, so don't force yourself to.
Thank you for your reply as always. This one is hard for me because I guess I just wanted to hear something good and instead I get more hard news.
I agree about my lawyer and was thinking of asking him how much money he would need to become a bull dog for me and get this done.
He has done alot of work and knows more about this case than I could even imagine and I am affraid to get less than the amounts he says he can get for me.
Here in California it is a pretty simple figure with Rons income and mine, but John has tried to get Ron to agree to a higher amount since he has no lawyer and still has some amount of guilt about me and the boys.
Ron doies continue to give me more than he has to for now and we are geting by, but if that changes too much I am affraid I might loose my house.
I would survive that but it would break my already broken heart.
I have spoken to 3 other lawyers who all start out with some big amount and then go down alot once you pay them.
OK---now you have said it out loud. It IS what it is. I'm not trying to bum you out but at the same time I am not going to lie and when you get impatient lose faith the REALITY is that you made this choice. And you need to be either behind it and let it go OR go in a different direction. If you know already that the amount is cut and dry than RON obviously knows this too. Right? So then it's a waiting game--who is going to give and really Nancy which is worse--this waiting or the dealing with the outcome? Get clear about that. I have cheered you on with every positive aspect of your choice in going to court. Either get the attitude that you are in fight mode and can last or change course--this wanting the gamble then whining about it is a waste of energy and I get your feelings and like you but really no one likes to hear the same complaint--DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Obviously THERE is a possability of getting your way and that I believe--if you went to court as the court system is not fair at all but often depends on who has a lawyer and who doesn't because we as the people do not know how to navigate the system. So, make a desicion then stick with it and I believe that is a VERY GOOD idea to follow the lead of my letter suggestion and lay the facts on the table with your lawyer---ask him already, say nothing personal, but if I came up with some court cash fighting money would this move things along--or should I have patience and let it drag out.? And from my end--I see no guilt on Ron's part at all! A lot of denial maybe. I think in the beginning your lawyer got a false impression of Ron--Ron lied and your lawyer made his initial case plan on that assumption---but he is not the first one to be surprised by the Ron who says one thing but does something else. I do see a divorce but I also see it being forced on him by YOU. Also you must understand that your advice has always been in reference to getting that divorce but really there are other aspects you should be focused on. Get past your fear. If you are not willing to fight with risk---if you want something less risky then you must accept the less control. You can't have it both ways. If he is already paying more than the state allows then what is it you really want?--be clear with your intentions. Is your house underwater? mortgaged beyound worth? You must learn to let go if that is the case--if it is part of your past and his reckless money issues and your helplessness trust issue that did that damage---maybe it's time to let that "bad boy" go. Stop living in the past. Houses are just houses--evcen to us who get attached to A HOME. What I'm trying to poke out of you here is INTENTION. What does this divorce and his alimony really represent to you? If he can't pay the extra to save your house and that house is over mortgaged then hand that burdon over to him--if there is no way to sell that house and come out ahead so you can start clean and fresh somewhere new and affordable FOR YOU than hand that ball and chain over to him---you your self complained how much that house needs and how it's weighing on you. What is your intention? To have him make it all right? To fix his mistake? Some things can't be fixed. Really. The universe is telling you--nancy you must fix this one. If you love this house too much than you must figure out how to keep it--YOU. Sometimes one must start fresh. What is your true intention? Write it down and make a game plan and except that choice--no whining. If you are intent on keeping your house and gambling on getting extra from Ron to keep it then stick with it. The truth is that I really think you still want him to fix this mess but honestly---even if you get your divorce and his money where you want it to support you that is not going to FEEL any more secure because you can't sqeeze water from a rock and it does not garuntee you can count on it. He can still pay late and stay out of trouble. Most states give them at least 3 months befor taking their driver's liscence or other penalty. And--if he gets cancer or has a heart attack--or stroke---or loses his job all he has to do is file a change of income and your support will be dropped. SO, I know I told you this way back that your best plan would include a backup of full responsability on your part--overwhelming as that is if you really can't handle the ups and downs of relying on Ron's support than you have TO NOT rely on Ron. I know I told you long ago that if you really wanted peace you would figure out a way to do it alone. Scary as that is at least you would be making your own choices. My advice is to ask yourself, what if you get the divorce next week and with the promised support payment and Ron suffered some terrible event and the money stopped--just stopped and there was nothing you could do about it WHAT would you go back and change about your divorce agreement? I would think you would wish you had gotten rid of any extra expensese that were his mess to begin with. Getting this support amount does not garuntee your future if your future is depending on that amount. You have to have a back up plan---for once in your life--do not put all your eggs in the RON basket---open your eyes and see that this is what got you in this predicament to begin with---expecting Ron to take care of you. Ron is not going to take care of you. Forget how many times he promised---actions not words. If you could really really accept that then you can make a realistic plan. Are you afraid of screwing up worse than Ron? Honestly, you would be fine on your own--no it would not be easy but it would be in your control. I really get that your last post spoke from a place of fear. Depending on your state of fear you see all the roadblocks then other days when you feel powerfull you see all the things in your favour----so for me it's like being a private pep rally for you. So, nothing personal but I feel your pain but unless it's about some new event I'm very tired of hearing about your divorce. Yes you will get your divorce and but it will not fall in your lap---YOU will force the outcome. Once you get clear on your true intention---weigh that intention with realistic what ifs and find the most realistic outcome you can manage than you'll know what to do. Start with the truth of want and need---and why? I can tell you that getting that money number will not last. So, consider that. If you honestly can not live as is on your own you need a backup plan. Spirit's last very loud chorus---DO NOT RELY ON RON. If he left you with a big financial burdon, concentrait on dumping that fast any legal way you can while you still have the chance. Make sure you have his social security benefits going to you if that state allows. Get some financial counseling before the divorce---so you come out ahead. Have you considered bankruptcy? You need a fresh start and if he can't give that to you you need to get it for yourself. His life is on a downhill pattern. I have never seen anything different than that. HUGS and please do not take my honesty personal---just following my own good advice of honest boundries and you are wearing me out with this tail chasing dog of a divorce! BLESSINGS!
WEll once again you are right. I can handle it all by myself if I have to. It wont be easy, but I can do it.
I will not loose my house iI do have equity in it and an apartment in this area cost about the same as my payments, plus I get a write off on my taxes.
I guess the reason I want the divorce so bad is he does not deserve to be married to me anymore.
I want him to pay and to suffer and to hate4 all the horrible things he did to me and his beautiful kids. I want to be told that he had no f-ing right to walk away and live a good life without us, I want him to pay until he dies.
I don't believe he gives a rats ass about me or the boys anymore and I don't think he ever will, so yes I want a divorce, but I don'[t need it.
I just thought nit might be nice if someday I get the chance to meet a special man again, that I am not still married, and I had hoped that it might bring me some peace, so I could stop wishing he would try to save it before it is too late.
I just wanted to add that I was affraid of the oney factor, but paid my bills without his help and I am still ahead.
I will have to give up a few things, even cancelled my hair appontment for tommorrow, but if I am careful I will be okay.
My mom has alot of money if I was in need, and if Ron dies I get a alrge life insurance policy.
I have never in my life had to care for myself, let alone me and the boys, but I can do it.
I am sorry if I whine, its just you are the only person I let see my fears, everyne else thinks I am okay.
I didn't mean to sound harsh in the last post, but I guess figuring out all this money stuff made me realize that I guess I just want him to pay.
I know that is wrong, but that is how I feel.
I deserve to live a nice life, hell I deserved to have a man who didn't cheat on me and leave me alone like he did, but life just isn't like that for me.
I really do love him and don't want his health to suffer, but it is out of my hands now.
YOU GO GIRL!!!
Sorry for the cold water in the face---but that's what real friends do. You are right to feel all those feelings and sometimes you tend to hold them in and they translate into helplessness and feeling stuck and hurt. Where it's much more productive to just scream them out there. And believe me, when the right man comes along Ron will not be able to touch that. Now that you have changed your energy expect to hear some news from Ron or your lawyer--the energy is moving again. And next time you speak to your lawyer ask him how safe Ron's life insurance policy is because if you are not the one paying the premiums he could surprise you. His health wake-up call can help him if he chooses---depends on how much he ignores---the denial thing. You will be fine! BLESSINGS!
I hear "baby" news coming---not sure how close.