Lonely, lost, let down, and crying.

  • I've just signed upto this forum.. never registered before, even though I signed upto Tarot dot com years ago to get readings and advice for past relationships. I'm an Aquarian, 17/2/67. Last year, I met someone by chance. Kinda gave up on relationships after the heratbreak and the last serious relationship I was in with the guy ending his life. So it put me off after that, kinda went on this massive guilt trip, needed time on my own to find myself again. So I meet this guy, find out he's 17 years younger than me so didn't take it too seriously at first. My thoughts kept telling me (he's too young, you've got a so only a year older) We exchanged numbers and he started texting me straight after. He's a scorpio 17/11. Told me he's had it with younger girls cos they messed him up, cheated on him, played him, hurt him. Said he wanted someone more mature, someone he could settle down with. I gradually started to fall in love with him. Decided to get rid of that logical Aquarian thought process, to open up and to go with my feelings, so I did. I had a tough time with my kids over him. My middle daughter at 18 couldn't accept it at first, thought it was wrong of me to even contemplate goin out with someone that age, even though it didnt bother either of us, felt so right. I had to put up with trouble for a while off the kids, took a bit of time for them to come to terms with him moving in a few months later. But we worked it out. His mum and dad slowly came round to me being their youngest sons girlfriend. Started getting invited round for tea, dinners. Got engaged on my birthday. All the while though, I had niggling doubts that he'd been upto stuff behind my back. He started to get sneaky with stuff. His behaviour changed after a while. I caught him upstairs on the pc one evening, said he was washing his hair, when I got to the top of the stairs, he flew up like he'd seen a ghost, knew then that he was upto something. Went out with s Scorpio once before, he was seeing someone else behind my back too, I was the last one to find out, so yeah, I always had that in my head, wondering if he was going to do the same to me. Tried not to let the insecurities spoil things with us, because of the past. A month before he met me, he'd been seeing this girl, he told me she was with someone else, said that he'd finished it with her because she wouldn't leave this guy for him. I let it go, didn't think anything else of it. I used to be a private investigator (Aquarian again, needing to know everything all of the time!) So yeah, when I started having those niggling doubts about what he was upto, I started checking the pc for clues. Found out he'd been talking to her on msn while I was at work. Last month, I went on her myspace page, saw a comment; If only things with a certain someone could be different, how drastic things can change in a year. I knew who she was speaking of. Then I started to ask him if he'd been in touch with her. He used to leave his phone anywhere he left it when we first met, now suddenly he was turning it off before he went to bed at night. We always ended up arguing over the same things, because whenever I asked him about my suspicions, he denied everything, I never got the answers that I was looking for, it never went away. Final straw was last week, when he kept his phone in his pocket all the time. Tried to talk to him again, and he just went to bed. I smashed a few things out of sheer frustration, packed his bags. Mailed him yesterday and told him WHY I didn't trust him, that he'd brought out the insecurities in me, because of how he'd been and the sneakin around with him. So he went yesterday after work. Went to my friends so I wasn't in when he came home for his stuff, couldn't face him. He replied to my mail and admitted everything. Now and I wish I hadn't have found out, the truth hurts more than not knowing. And all the time, I can see the ex's mood go from heartbroken, to happy, and I just wanna die right now. Can't eat, sleep, think, I'm useless. Trying so hard to be strong, cos after what he's done, I wanna HATE him with the passion that I had how I loved him. Says he's heartbroken like me, was on his facebook at his mum and dads last night though. Says he doesn't want me not to be in his life and that the thought of not seeing me would be unbearable and that we had so much of an impact on each other. Said that we'd just go back to arguing if we ever did get back together, but the arguing was just because I knew all along, and he didn't have the balls to tell me, didn't have the guts to say, yeah, I went behind your back. Dunno if he'd seen her while he was with me, guess I'll never know, guess I don't want to know. He said that if he did something that he was unaware of, it'd just start again. How can you be unaware of what you're doing or how you're being? Scorpios. One is never enough. They thrive on secrets, lies, they long for something that they can't have. I never looked at anyone else, never. Thought he was my soulmate. Think after this I'll never love anyone ever again, too scared at getting my heart ripped out again. Always happens to me! He wanted to come for his things today, but I can't face him. I'm a mess. Trying to get myself together. Maybe I should say all this to him, but then why bother with putting anything else into it, when this is how its turned out. I've gotta go

  • I'm so sorry missymichelle and i know it hurts too much to be able to see tomorrow right now but you will in time.

    So you let your guard down and fell for someone its not a crime! you are human and you need love as much as anyone else on the planet. You have to stop punnishing yourself for what happend before. Fate deals a funny hand but its also a map and all the roads on that map are ours we choose which direction we take.

    Its not always about being wrong or right about our choice but about what we gain from the experience, this experience you have just been through does not make you a failure and dont let anyone say i told you so because no one is perfect.

    Let me know how you are. x

  • Damn girl >_< thats some heavy stuff you've gone through. But, I have to agree with shadowplay. Even though some of the things you go through in life hurt, they make you what you are today. And someday, you might be thankful that you went through all of the terrible things you did so that when more painful things came along, you were able to deal with them better. If you really did have a big impact on eachother 😃 the best thing you can do is try to be on decent terms, and then possibly friends again in the future. Things like this can't be rushed. Healing can take a long time. And trust me when I say you will fall in love again. You may not want to, you may reject it with all your being, but it will happen. 😃 Love is too great a thing to waste. Trust me, love as many times as you can in your lifetime ^^ in the end, the good tends to override the bad. I know your hurting right now, but it'll pass 😃 it always does. Just do whatever it takes to keep yourself happy, no matter what it is. And don't forget that your not alone, your family will most likely be more than willing to help you through this.

  • Okay so here's the scoop. Please don't tell me that a person you met month's ago has enough power over you to totally allow yourself to forget your own self worth. Come one you exisited long before this kid came along. You had likes, dislikes, happiness, sadness, good days, bad days, that's just life. You have to go back to a mental place where you were before you met him and you will be whole again. Please try to date people close to your age. Getting hooked up with people that are so much younger will always, always, break your heart.

  • Hi, Well that is a big age difference but what happened can happen at any age. So ya'll got engaged--right. Sounds like all along you had suspicions. I wouldn't get paranoid and don't expect to fall in love and get engaged. My advice is to get to know whomever you decide to date. This past Fall I met someone who started talking marriage just a couple of months into the relationship. That went against my better judgment. It's better to trust your judgment and instincts. Anyway, after 7 months, all kinds of skeletons came out of the closet. One big one named Margaret. Let me tell you, that's a story all by itself. Just look at it as a learning experience that hopefully won't repeat itself. Don't get discouraged. Love makes us vulnerable and childlike. You have to learn, grow and kind of let the adult take over. You have to kinda draw on your sense of humor too.

    Aren't you glad it happened before a marriage.

  • Sorry I just came back, was a bit of a heavy day yesterday and ended up with my son coming to see me (who walked away when I chose the ex) Phone was constantly ringing and you were right TheMightyPoptart, about the family 🙂 He mailed me yesterday, seemed as if he'd got it all planned out, talking of changing his address, sorting bills and such like. Said he never cheated on me and when I read that, I did think it was just all in my head, panicked thinking 'oh no what have I done?! I've lost the best thing to ever happen to me and all because of MY insecurities! Started to believe him for a moment. I knew him so well, knew that he'd be back on his myspace when he'd gone, and low and behold, when I searched his name, there he was. New page, talking of the trial and tribulations of the past year, saying he was BACK. Didn't really bother me too much bein honest, was hurt when I saw his mood reading sad, because of me. I mailed him back and said sorry for what had happened, cried again. Then I check out the page of his ex, she was online, so was he, ripped me up cos I knew they were talking, then when I looked on his page again, there she was, on his friends page. Reckon he did that for my benefit, simply to let me know that he could do what he liked. I realised after that, that I'd pushed them back together in the end. Telling him what she'd put on her myspace the month before about wishing things could have been different, that's when he got back to her. Me, I brought the outcome to all of this. I felt as if I'd had a knife stuck in me, a knife slowly being twisted in my heart. That was all I needed, the quick fix to 'get over him'. Break ups are never easy, like to think of myself of a higher ended Aquarian and to expect people to treat me how I treat them, never happens though. I mailed him, told him it was over and that I couldn''t stay in touch with him as a friend. Thats the trouble with me, when someones done me an injustice, be it whoever, mainly past partners, I can't forget the hurt that they put me through, so I don't dwell on it, I just move on. Was my mums birthday yesterday and I didn't even know till last night 😞 my head had been so busy with all of this, I was reminded by my friend so rang her to wish her a belated one but she understands what's going off, was fine with it. So I've got the task today of getting all of his stuff together, boxing memories up of him ready for tomorrow for when he comes for it. I've realised that all I was to him was a surrogate mum in the end, and I shouldn't have even gotten into a relationship with him, cos all I was, was a distraction from the last one, a rebound job. I mailed him the link to this page last night, probably just to let him know of how I was feeling while he was busy getting his new life back together and that places like this exist, and that you don't need to go on social networking sites to meet friends. When people such as yourself come along and give me answers and advice like you have, never even knowing any of you, complete strangers, says alot. Thank you 🙂 I'm glad it's happened now, don't want to say too much, but my life could have been so different this year if an event had turned out the way I thought it was going.... glad it didn't prove right cos I'd have been left in even more mess than I find myself now. My best friend died a few years ago, cancer, was quick. She's been to see me lately, when things with us weren't good, told me to be 'careful', and I should have listened to her too, all the time, the signs were right there in front of me, but I was too blind to it all and too scared to make the change, cos I didn't want to believe it. Wanted to do a reading with my cards but had so many blocks in front of me lately. Currently suing my ex employers for unfair dismissal, lost my job a few months ago, been putting so much energy into that aswell as everything else. If anyone could do me a reading on the outcome of that, be nice to know, I've got the outcome to this matter now so. Mondays the start of my life again. Just to thank you for the kind words when I needed some answers, thank you, means alot 🙂 xxxxxxx

  • Hi out there in "cyberland" whoever may read my post. I DO understand VERY, VERY well MissyMichelle's post though coming from quite a different perspective. My STILL not yet ex & I have been split up for not quite 10 years & the divorce has been pending for close to eight. At any rate, I had some rather significant events occur in my life & had to return to my parents' home to stay with them some years after severely breaking my leg. I returned to my STILL not yet ex & my home & had sunken into such a severe depression & stopped taking my meds & was only self medicating myself using booze. At any rate, I ended up getting busted DUI in FL & having to call my parents' to come bail me out of jail b/c my STILL not yet ex wouldn't take my calls. He was obviously otherwise occupied with the wife of the husband of some "friends" of OURS. Suffice it to say that I had been stuck living with my miserably "anal retentive" parents for almost 4 years. I couldn't go out, couldn't have a cocktail, couldn't do anything. This all the while is occurring while I am surfing the web for men with whom to have sex though it had to be at unusual times due to my screwed up living situation. Okay, so I met this guy & he told me that he loved me within a week, told me he'd marry within two weeks & we had moved in together within three months. He actually told me that we WERE "soul mates," but with my having become sooo cynical about the institution of marriage & the complete "committed relationship" thing, I thought he was full of it to put it bluntly. He was wonderful!!!! I knew that I DID love him but didn't trust my feelings for him. Absolutely EVERYTHING was wonderful with us. We seldom argued other than how badly he would trash out the kitchen whenever he cooked (& he DID love to cook!!!!) & how he wouldn't pick up after himself, but that was quite alright with me. Our arguments were rare & very, very mild though I did "go off" on him one tme & I apologized up & down about it shortly thereafter. Okay, this past New Year's Day, 2009m we went from where we were living, about an hour +/- from my parents' home to have New Year's Dinner with them. We had been there for less than 15 minutes, I'm guessing, & I noticed that he was not around. I looked for him & found him outside & he did NOT look right. I asked him if he was okay & he just shook his head. My Dad then came out & I told him something is wrong with MY Paul. We got him inside & on a bed, gave him an answer & within 15 minutes, he was gone. When I write "gone," I mean dead, gone, not with me anymore. I am sooo daggum lonely. I am unemployed & awaiting a ruling from the judge in my disability hearing from an almost fatal car accident I had almost 30 years ago. I am SOOOOO lonely. The only company I REALLY have is the TV & what few "friends" with whom I will actually chat now. I do NOT feel like explaining this garbage to anyone. I have TRIED ooooohhhh sooo hard to explain it to my parents umpteen times & they TRY but are unable to comprehend my loss. They only make excuses about why I shouldn't be feeling so depressed & how I should be doing this, that or whatever. I am on meds though I don't like to be, but they do seem to help me to some degree. I just feel soooo lonely & do NOT know what to do with myself at this point. I have begun to TRY to get myself back into shape though I don't really want to do so. I merely do it to appease my parents as they ARE the ones that are totally & completely supporting me in every way. I have read astrological readings time after time after time & can find nothing to help me other than knowing that MY Paul believed that we were & ALWAYS have been TRUE "soul mates" & that due to that fact, that we would always be connected in whatever lifetime. I am only 44 (I'm sure some of you may think "o-o-o-old" while others may thing "young!!!) & do NOT wanna be on this horrible place most people call earth. Nothing could even lure me to ever want to be here. I want to be with MY Paul, no matter anything. We had something very, very, very special that I have never EVER experienced with anyone in my life before now & I want it back. I do NOT understand why he had to go. I feel like he was "taken" at the wrong time. Something or someone screwed up somewhere. We had just found a home to purchase, we had a wedding date set, we had talked about getting some dogs as we were both very, very into dogs. We just couldn't have them in the apartment where we lived. I am at a complete loss as to where to even THINK about getting on with my life.

    Hence, missymichelle, I DO know exactly where you are at this point. I HAVE been there more than once in my mere 44 years on this horrible place called "earth." I just feel that we are each at different ends of the spectrum from each other. I need some severe help & have begun seeing my "counselor"/"therapist" on a weekly basis again.

    I appreciate any & all advice ANYONE can give me in getting past this AWFUL time in my life, & missy michelle, I have been where you are & I do KNOW the pain & also KNOW that it WILL get better with time. It just doesn't feel that way, i.e., the way my ex has done, did & continues to do me these past 8-9 years, it still hurts like you know what. I DID love him, I DO still love him though quite differently, I assure you, & I KNOW I WILL always love him b/c I learned sooo much from him, some good AND some bad, but it HAS made me a much, much better person today.

    I am just horribly, horribly worried that I WILL meet someone else & will forget MY Paul & I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER want that to occur. We DID have something very special & I have known extremely few people that had that type of "connection" like us.

    Alright, I am unable to access the web very often; therefore, anyone that wishes to contact me & I sincerely hope that some of you will b/c I need as much help as I can get & I'm not getting it from my family, please DO contact me using barneybutt at that hot mailing site. Thanks to ANYONE that reads my "tirade" of whining or venting or whatever you want to call it. I sincerely appreciate it.

    Also, one last thing: missymichelle, I KNOW things will improve for you. I KNOW. I just want someone to tell me that things WILL get better for me also. :((

    Cyndi in AL

  • Gives Cyndi a hug from Paul and one from me too. You never think that people are in the same situation as you hey? Never think that anyone can hurt as much as you are right now, because they're not YOU, not in the same situation as you, couldn't even contemplate knowing what you're feeling. Life. For all of its good and for all of its bad, it's supposed to stand there as a lesson to us all, in whatever way it does, and whatever happens, it's supposed to be our lifes lesson. You live, learn, learn when you live, upto the point of when you're taking your last breath in. I could cry for you honey. You were lucky enough to meet the ONE, that we all search for in our lifetime. I was so tuned into my ex, that we both said it, both read what each other was thinking sometimes, spoke the same words at the same time. I'd had dreams of him before we met, and he said the same. So yeah, I thought he was the ONE. Everything that I ever wanted in that special person at first, he had it all. And now I've lost all that, he says he's lost it all because of his own stupidity, mine too, for giving too much and for loving too much. The age gap crept in and that was my insecurity in the end. His exes were young party animal rock chicks and I wasn't so young. Hated having photos took with him. He liked to photograph himself, was always preening himself in a mirror. Glam rock star wannabe, eyeliner and hair to match. Bought him his first guitar for xmas, tried to encourage him to play it but weird things have been happening at my house, I have people here, deceased friends, light anomolies, orbs on photographs, weird things happening. He hasn't been on his guitar since his amp just came on one night on its own and woke him up with the buzzing. Think it scared him to go on it here. Always wanted him to make it in a band, but then I changed my mind when I realised how a rock stars life is, the attention from groupies, him being a scorpio. Too much temptation even for him. I'll never know now if he was the ONE, guess my future's gonna be the judge of that one. Though I aint looking for anyone, won't be for a long time after this. I've had my self esteem taken from me, not just by him, but by myself, because I didn't live upto the standards of his glamour puss exes, wasn't eye candy enough, wasn't young enough.

    Your Paul was trying to protect you my love. He didn't know he was going until he was outside. He's with you all of the time 🙂 ALWAYS. I have a bit of a gift with seeing and hearing spirit. Used to go to energy meetings years ago with other clairvoyants, kinda honed in ever since then and trained it to help me. Had a bit of a lapse from it all though because of all of the blocks that have been in my way lately. He only loved YOU. You and no one else. I'm so sorry that you lost your love too. It hurts doesn't it? Hurts like nothing else on this planet. But people have helped me already on here, just by giving me some words of comfort, when I felt like death myself. And don't think that you're 'whining' girl, you're just HUMAN, like the rest of us 😉 If we weren't human, life would be a pretty dull place! I go to my friends grave sometimes, when I need to feel close to her, and I look around and see the gravstones just sticking up outta the ground, and I'm like, 'What's life all about?' I've had so much stuffing knocked out of me lately, so much self worth has gone. Losing my job when I wasn't expecting it didn't help. Getting the sack for injuring your shoulder whilst lifting something heavy at work isn't fair. But I'm onto it right now! If there's an injustice, I put it right, cos that's who I am 🙂 You can mail me too if you want. If it helps you. Message me and I'll send it to you chick. We're all here together ya know! Just think of Paul and what he'd want you to do right now. He wants you to LIVE!! He also wants you to love again someday, cos he knows that whoever you do meet down here, you and him had something so good, he knows that you'll always keep him in that special place in your heart, he's with you now, under lock and key ;)) Love yourself for who you are Cyndi. Love yourself!

    Things when they're bad. They seem that they can't get better, but they do! You're at the crossroads now, you just need to know which way is forward. It's there! Ya can see it!

    Thanks for the words my love, things will get better for me I know. I've beat myself up, but then my ex had feelings too when we first met, and it doesn't matter how much I want to get back at him, (cos that's what you do when you've been betrayed and lied to) at the end of the day, it's time to forgive and let go. I still love him. But he knows. When we were good we were GOOD! But things in life happen for a reason, I believe that too. Don't stop believin!

    I've gotta make a start packing some stuff... gonna hurt, but gotta get on with it.

    In my thoughts

    Shell xxxxx

  • Missy Michelle, Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. Hearts get broken, people lie and cheat, its all part of the game of life and sometimes it sucks! Life can change for the better or the worse without notice. I could talk about men and what they like, THE CHASE, and many others things they like but you made a mistake............so have I and many others. Your remark "This always happens to me" Wrong.........it happens too many. I have given up on trying to figure out the formula of life and all its ups and downs, I am 59 and have lived a good life and a horrible one. I don't try to get even with people who have betrayed me, I figure they will have their own hell to deal with. I lost my oldest and dearest friend to breast cancer.......miss her everyday. My ex-hubby married my best friend right after I moved out..........I have had to deal with many emotions and thoughts. I cannot believe I ended up in this situation but I have had to get over the shock of it all and deal with the reality of losing my job and trying so hard to find another. My ex-best friend was a Cancer and had her moon in scorpio.......everyone in astrology has nothing but good things to say about this sign.......she also slept with my first hubby.........who knows........People lie and thats the truth. Double Capricorn

  • Ya I know what your going through I too am going through basicly the same thing there is this girl that I LOVE very much I'm 57 she's 26 an her Bday is the day after mine01/18/1983(hers ) an she thinks that she can controll me an what I do. week-end befor last I just needed some space , so I just took off for 2 1/2 days to get away an when I called her it was where are you an when I told her Who You there with an I said no one I just needed to get away. now she won't even call me ,or answer her phone when I callan I hav to go into the Hospital next week for two things an It would be nice If she was there with me but ,,,,,,,,, I know Ineed to get a Life or get on with mine!!!

  • Ya I know what your going through I too am going through basicly the same thing there is this girl that I LOVE very much I'm 57 she's 26 an her Bday is the day after mine01/18/1983(hers ) an she thinks that she can controll me an what I do. week-end befor last I just needed some space , so I just took off for 2 1/2 days to get away an when I called her it was where are you an when I told her Who You there with an I said no one I just needed to get away. now she won't even call me ,or answer her phone when I callan I hav to go into the Hospital next week for two things an It would be nice If she was there with me but ,,,,,,,,, I know Ineed to get a Life or get on with mine!!!

  • Moondreams I have to agree with you. Everything that happens to us helps us to evolve. If you learn from the hard times you will move out of it. I you don't then your going to keep doing it until you change. Notice I said YOU. People treat you the way you allow them to. If you allow yourself to be a doormate then that's what you will attract.

  • Just got down from the loft and sat covered in bloody dust!! Had a few things to get down. Didn't realise I'd set such a discussion off with my initial post..... just shows you that you're not alone hey!? I've got so many things going through my mind at the moment, things are still raw... tried so hard today, tried to focus as best as I can on what I need to do. Broke down in the bedroom when I was emptying drawers earlier, wasn't too bad at first, then it just grabbed hold of me again, the realisation of it all. Seeing his clothes, silly dress up hats, his fez! God I bawled. Kept having flashbacks of when it was fun...then I realised that I was doing the 'right' thing at the end of the day. I can't go through anymore pain, so that's keeping me going. Mailed him and told him that I had the right to react how I did, cos I'm human. Letting out emotions isn't a bad thing. If you keep things bottled up, it just makes you ill inside. I've always let my feelings show, cos I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have. Was raised on domestic violence as a child, used to write in a diary a lot, every night when I went to bed, didn't get any harm from it then, still don't now. Communication is everything! You need to be able to communicate, otherwise whats the point? It kinda dried up with us near the end. I wanted to clear things up, but now I know that it was his fear of this now, stopping him, that's why he never had the heart to tell me, plus he didn't want to break my heart by telling me everything. I'm forgiving already. My mate down the road, I always used to tell her of this guy that she was seeing. 2 years she'd been seeing him, and he still wouldn't commit to her, he was married, had kids and he wouldn't leave the wife for her. Used to have her at my house every day in floods of tears, felt so sorry for her. Tried to give her an outsiders perspective on things, as I saw it. Told her that if he wasn't going to commit to her now, he never would, and that he was just using her, he had the best of both worlds really. All I could do was give advice, and she's had no end of it, not just off me, but off all of her other friends too. The arguing with us the past few months, always had me saying sorry to him, as if it was my fault for the flare ups. Guess it was, I own up to that. yet I knew that I was going to end up like my friend down the road if I wasn't careful, going round in circles, when I didn't want that. If I'd have continued to apologise, tell him not to leave me, that it'd never happen again, cos he'd already said that he was off if it ever did, I found myself doing the exact same thing as my friend. Because I was so scared of never having him in my life anymore. You're right, I was going to end up a 'doormat' if I hadn't have said that's it to all of this. There had to be an outcome, one way or another. I've thought long and hard about the future, wondering if we'd ever be able to be friends again, still too soon to tell I guess. Tried to stay friends with some of my other exes, but it's never the same, so maybe I'm best just believing in my usual theory of moving on. He was desperate and still trying to take it all in when he said that we couldn't bare not having each other in each others life before, I felt that. I loved him with all of my heart. Yet he's 'moved on' already. My heads all over the place again today. One minute I'm UP, then I'm :-(((( Guess this is what they call the 'healing process'.

    Moondream: First I'm sorry to hear about you losing your friend 😞 I miss mine too. Cancers a horrible word, I hate it. Was unsure of my health for a brief period this year... but thank whoever, I was okay. Friends that go when they shouldn't have, never go too far. I've got my friends picture in a frame now, just so I can see her when I need some guidance. As far as the LIFES A BITCH goes, yeah, you're right. Men love the CHASE, they like to be the HUNTER. Women, girls that aren't available, they like the challenge of the hard to get breed. I just can't believe that this ex of his could suddenly come forward when she wasn't happy in her life, and start reminiscing about when she was with him, when he was with me?!! They're the kind of girls they go for. So I'm letting him get on with it. My family are my concern now. My kids. I've been beating myself up over that, not thinking of their feelings when I decided to get into a relationship with him. Soon as my son hears that we've split, he gets in touch! I was a mess yesterday, seeing my son again, if it wasn't hard enough with the feelings that I've gone through the last few days, how much more could I take in a day?. Know that my exes mum is comforting 'her boy' now, cos that's what mums do. Know that he didnt mention my son to his mum and dad because of the age thing, I'm getting to understand so much already. I had something weird happen earlier. My mobile rang, didn't recognise the number so was a bit oo eerrr, answered it, and this girls voice is like 'Hi is that you Michelle? It's Karman, Dans old girlfriend' Not seen her in years, she was a lovely lass, we got on great. Thought my son had said something to her about what's happened. Then she rang me on the house phone and said, I had a wierd dream about you last night, I could see you all upset and crying in it, so I thought that I'd give you a ring to see if you're alright... Then I had to tell her whats happened, and just ended up crying again. Know its spirits sending messages.

    Steve101: I'm sorry you're going through the same pain and not knowing. Capricorns are quite set in their ways, not in a bad way, just practically. It was the other way around with me and my bloke, with the age I mean. Surprised it's her being the contolling one really. I realised that that's how I ended up with my chap, even though I'm not a controlling person by trait. The lack of trust, the age gap, his rock n roll lifestyle, what he was accustomed to before he met me, it slowly dwindled, we just used to end up staying home everynight really, having drinks at home, parties sometimes, watching tv. Not exactly safe around here as it is with the chav youth culture going off :-s But it became groundhog with us. We got in a rut. Money worries. Me losing my job. So many factors that brought the outcome of me and him. So even though I'd never excuse him or let him off the hook for what he did, I can see a bit clearer now. Some times, we need a break to get our heads together, need to be able to think without interruptions. I hope she gets in touch with you soon, and I hope she realises how shes being. Don't let what's happened in my tragedy happen in your relationship. It's always best to get it all out, and be strong, nomatter what the outcome. I was open with my feelings, but women usually are, men tend to keep emotions inside. If they show them, they're classed as 'weak'. I saw my ex cry once, and that didn't make him any less of a man. I loved him more for that. Just wished that he'd been a bit more open about his feelings in the first place. But like I said, he was scared that if I found out, this would happen, so I can't blame him for that now. People keep telling me to stop beating myself up when I haven't done anything wrong. You should be the same. Good health to you too :))

  • Hi All, I feel ya. Hey capricorn! Ima capricorn/cancer moon. Venus & mars in aquarius...And im n loooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvve! Very unexpected...gave up on it aft my hubby of 22yrs. passed 9/18/07.(colon/liv cancer) He was a scorpio 2; I think a double one...10/27/63 n 2day would be our 24th anniv. Feels so strange b/c I spent the night @ the beach w/ my new LeoChango: 7/31/62(he says '67?). I think he's concerned I'll think he's old...I just know he's my SoulMate! The connection is like the others described...so deeply spiritual--I didn't even have a physical attraction except w/his eyes. OMG! the sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I want 2 have his baby/ies(he was a twin an I'd like another set...@43. My eldest is 24-

  • Hi cindy

    you have experienced a loss but you have also exprienced love in its full glory. I know it must be so hard for you just now. You do have to move on and live your life you know. You may not feel like doing it just yet but you know deep down that you are a nice person and I am sure your parents love you you have no idea what it is like not to have them around. I feel as at the momment you are grieving really badly and unsure and uncertain of your future that is totally understandable because you had made plans for your future and they were taken away from you and you were left alone. You will move on but not straight away and it all takes time to get over a lost one.

    Be hapy in the thought you had a good man that loved you very much. My thoughts are with you. A

  • Hi Everyone! This is so cool that we can swap stories of what we have been through or going through at this time! It helps so much to get a different view point! To everyone that has lost a loved one either a spouse, family member or dear friend, just remember they love you and they are still around you and they want the best for you! They are ok, and they don't want you to fall! One day you will be joined together again! Until then we have to climb this mountain of life and get all we can out of it! Live Learn and Love!

    And as for relationships, I believe the biggest factor is "RESPECT" you have to respect yourself and your partner! If someone is trying to control you or lie or whatever, you know it is wrong! You need to move on and find someone else! Unless you enjoy the "Drama". Some people do. You get what you ask for. And don't lower your standards just because you are lonely! I have so many friends that just jump at the first attention they get and it always ends up bad in the end once they really figure out what is going on! Be grown up, take your time, have fun enjoying eachothers company! I know we "especially women" always second guess ourselves and think that we can change them and work it out. But that is not right, you cannot change anyone or expect them to because you want them to! You except them as they are or get out of the relationship. The one thing that is important is to find someone on the same wavelength as you are, a person that is way younger is not on the same page. No matter what they say, they still have a lot of growing to do! They may make you happy and feel young again but so does friends! A relationship when you are older is a serious thing, our hearts are tired and fragile. There comes a time when enough is enough and we don't want to play games anymore. Take your time and make sure you look in the right places, there are plenty of good people out there!

  • Morning! My sleep patterns are a bit hay wire at the moment and this is the longest I've slept in, slept on the couch for the past 4 nights, can't face sleeping upstairs...went to my daughters last night and had drinks there, can't rightly remember coming home!? Know the taxi was booked for 1.. I started to drink halfway through the relationship a bit more than I should, know it was just me trying to blot everything out because of what was happening. So I'd have a bottle of wine some nights, let it all come pouring out. The devils poison. Had a bottle last night too and now I'm recovering with a bit of a fuzzy head :s

    Annevenus: I've been thinking about Cindy too. Hope she's okay. Soulmates (sighs) It's so hard when someone so close leaves, in whatever way they go. The power of those feelings that bonded you together, how they can get hold of you mentally and make you not want to carry on because you knew. Cindy has at least had the strength to make the first move by reaching out to someone and not being scared to open up and bare her soul, that's always the first step. I'm not one for believing in god. My Aquarian thinking takes me past that notion and I seek higher knowledge into what put us all here, but I never preach my theories on people, people are allowed to think what they want, believe what they want. Some peoples lives are tested in cruel ways, almost as if they were only put on this earth to suffer becauase of the crap hand that fate dealt them, but making changes yourself can alter that path and now I think, It's as good or as bad as you want it to be. Positive attracts positive. If you're down, smile, smile through all of the adversity and the hurt. Used to get called Lil Miss Sunshine when I was a kid, always smiled on the outside so that people would never know what was happening on the inside. Kismet. Two people that had been together before, sometime, someplace. Finding them again is more than a blessing. Losing them is unfortunate. Life can be so cruel to some. I've always been tested through my life, everythings always been a struggle. But I'm STILL here! Cindy, everythings going to get better for you. This is a TEST, and getting through it is what you need to do. If your counselling doesn't work for you, get to a cyber cafe or something and come back here. Gaining other peoples insights and experiences is proof that you're not alone!

    Sherri126: You hit the nail on the head what you said about respecting yourself. The age gap with us was an issue in the end. Never thought it would be at the beginning. Maybe that's how he made me feel in the end, because of the things I'd found out. Knowing that he'd done what he'd done, just stripped me of any dignity that I had left. Told me last year that his ex had issues and she was highly strung, so if he want's that back in his life, he's not moved on from it at all, must enjoy the drama of it all. Was drama enough here for long enough too. Always said that he didn't like the arguments yet it was through him being deceiptful that they started in the first place. When we first met, we were out one night, and these guys came over chatting to us, when my fella went to the gents room, one of them started playing footsie under the table with me, started staring into my eyes saying 'You look mighty mighty fine'. I was like 'wtf??' I told my bloke that he'd tried it on with me. Then that same night I get a text off my ex 'hey chick hows ya doin?' Didn't reply, he was a chronic depressive and dragged me to the lowest pits of hell when I was with him earlier on that year. I called time on that relationship too. I'm steering clear of relationships for a while. Thinking of going back to college and doing a Journalism course, used to write for my local paper, kind of miss getting out there and reporting. Was told yesterday that I can walk around with my head held high with all of this seeing as I didn't break any commitment vows.

    I've got him coming up tonight for his stuff....gonna have to go and get some more packing done, there's that much stuff, and now my room looks bare and empty. Can feel that emotional wave bellowing up again..... best go, love and light to all. Sorry if there's some posts I've not answered, got so much to remember right now!!

  • There is not much i can say to you cindy that has not already been said by MissyMichelle.

    We have all been hurt and will continue in some small or large way to do so it is part of life and learning sometimes there just is no answers all of our experiences no matter how different are there for a reason i feel you are surounded by love but need to take down your fortress brick by brick and let it in learn to love yourself too you deserve better and it has to start with you.

    As for you MissyMichelle I'm proud of you. Sound as though your using that wonderful Aquarian energy to cut through the ropes and move on.

    I am sending some reiki healing to you both you both have many spirits surounding you at this time some that are not known to you ask for their help and guidence.

    One more thing...

    cindy you need to go to a place special to you and paul he's in your dreams but you are too upset to listen to what he has to say - get that dog you wanted or go and help out at the local dogs home the help will be appriciated and your love of dogs will bring you together closer as they too are the most faithful and loving of all domestic animals, i know i have one!

    please dont be afraid to move on you are not leaving him behind but you cannot live in the shadows.

    The support on here is fantastic i am so pleased i found this, such compassion in a place where all are strangers gives me great hope and i salute all on here.

    Love and light to all xxxxx

    Love and light

  • Missy Michelle: Every relationship starts out so perfect because we are so tuned into the happiness this person gives us. Just remember every one has a negative side, and if your dealing with someone that has not grown up yet mentally or spiritually then it always falls in the end. It is finding the same person on your wavelength that grows the same time you do that makes for a lasting relationship. Do not stop all options of a relationship at anytime, just keep them at arms length until you test them. You have to protect yourself. There are to many men out there that will tell you anything to get what they want. But when you show them that you respect yourself by making them work for your attention or love then they see you are no fool! And will move on to another victim they can sponge off of. Demand respect from all people in your life! These people are a test in your life to help you grow. Yes, it sucks, cause all you want is so simple to give! How hard is it to love and respect someone? Not hard at all in my eyes. But these people are lost and they have no clue what they are doing, they get kicks off hurting someones heart because it boosts there ego. Men are all ego! You have to find one that the ego is not so big! Is honest with himself and knows what he wants in life. Make that quest, set your standards high because you deserve someone that will treat you right! Go back to school, follow your passion and who knows, maybe you will meet someone in class that has the same views as you! It happens all the time! Good luck to you, stay strong and let go of the baggage with no problem. He is not worth your tears if he lies and plays games behind your back., yes you had good times together, but there are many more out there for you to look forward to that will be lasting! Be happy you are packing up and getting rid of the garbage you don't need in your life! Instead of trying to please other people and not hurt there feelings, why don't you stop and ask yourself "WHAT ABOUT ME?? "WHAT DO I WANT IN LIFE"? Put yourself first, not other people cause life is to short and 70% of them don't know what they are doing anyways!

  • Hey I'm back for a bit. Just got in wet through from visiting my mums, took her some flowers up to make up for forgetting her birthday. Got bloody soaked walking back home, it's slinging it down this way out.

    Before I reply to my new friends who are absolutely wonderful for being like this at a time when I need it, I've made a decision, don't know if its the right one yet or not, but I've gone and done something. I mailed him today and told him I wanted us to stay friends. Sounds like me falling again I know. We had some precious moments when things were good between us. I agree that the age thing didn't help. Yet even though he was 24, he always acted more like a 44 year old most of the time, he was very old fashioned in his outlook, had had a good decent upbringing, strong support from his family. He liked his boys toys like Marvel comics and action figures, collected them, liked to play the joker at parties telling his jokes. Gotten to know that he had very good morals most of the time, suppose that's why I was so hurt when I found out the truth. I always used to question that when he was being sneaky. I used to think of the Scorpio in him, then dismiss it because of the decent fella I thought he was. He didn't do porn magazines or anything, so again, I trusted him because I knew that men that don't get a buzz out of porn, are a one off these days!! Yet now when I think about it, he's a Scorpio. My friend gave me a book last night to help me a bit trying to cheer me up more than anything. How to spot a B*stard by their star signs. Read some of it at the daughters last night, was revealing to say the least! Know it's just a light hearted satirical read on the negative traits more than the positives, but it did make me think.... Knowing that he was coming through and I didn't want anymore upset, even though I knew I would be when I saw him again. So I mailed him this morning, told him that I wanted to keep things amicable and that I didn't want this making me bitter, even if it sounds as if I have been the past few days, some of the mails that I've sent in, harsh words when I've wanted him to know just how much he's hurt me. He's been very decent about things, says that the impacts been made, and friends we shall be. I dunno if it'll work... as I said, I don't usually do friends with exes, yet the Aquarian in me tells me that friends matter most. I text my freind and told her that we were staying friends, she replied: It's hard to ignore someone you loved so much.

    People have been texting me all day to tell me to be strong as they knew he was calling for his things. His dad brought him in his workvan. Told him that I felt awful seeing his dad having to put his things back in the van again, like it was my fault. Didn't know how I'd be when I saw him. He's took most of his stuff but there's still some things here that he couldn't get in so maybe his dad'll have to make another journey at some point later on I dunno... before we split, when I was working, we got a small loan, didn't think we'd end up breaking up like this and didn't think that I'd be losing my job either... we bought a new tv, suite, had the garden done. He's paying the loan as its in his name. So the tv and suite are rightly his.. he asked me if I wanted to have one of the settees, doesn't want to leave me without anything to sit on.. told him to take the tv as we have a spare one upstairs. His dad loaded the van up and said 'All the best Michelle', that made me cry again saying goodbye to him. They're decent folk. Made me feel welcome and slowly came around to the age gap with me when he told them I was 17 years older than him. Bought me and my daughter presents for Xmas, included us in the family. He told me that his mum was getting on his back, saying that I'm not going to sort the bills out that's in his name, told him I wouldn't do that, it's not me, I'm above all of that. That hurt. But I know that she's loathing me right now, she's a mum, and I've hurt her son. I've been the same with my son when he got hurt from an ex, so I know exactly how she's feeling about me at the moment. He said that he'd have a word with her later, even though he's told her I'm not like that anyway. I dunno, it's all just a mess. Would have been our 1 year anniversary next Sunday, we were supposed to be going to the coast for the week with my daughters and my daughters boyfriend. Though he said that we couldn't have afforded it anyway, plus my daughter and boyfriend have got a new house so its lucky for them in a way as they now have bills to pay. Told my daughter that we're staying friends for now, she said that she's glad that we are. Told my parents the same too. Now and everyones telling me to just 'be careful', like what my best friend told me a few months ago. Know they're just looking out for me. Know everyone is. I think once I get past the hurt stage, I'll start to make more sense of things as far as the friends bit goes. He said we'd be friends forever but I dunno how long forever will be right now. I forgive all too easily, yet I never forget. Got the memory of an elephant.

    Shadowplay: Thanks for the encouragement, you don't know how much that means. I haven't been sleeping too good lately, up at 4/5 in a morning for the past 5 days, so thanks, I'll accept some Reiki from you, could do with some 🙂 I've really wanted to tap into spirits these past few days but too many blocks. Do you know who some of them are? I've been getting names, just didn't know them. I wish my grandad would come visit me again. He used to come to me a few years ago. Passed a message onto my mum from him once, told her that she had to make amends with her brother as it was upsetting my nan (whos also passed). I know there's alot of love for me in the spirit world. Alot. I've been looking for a clairvoyant friend of mine who I used to do energy meetings with but don't know where she is at the moment. Would love to start the energy groups up with her again. She told me that I had the gift. Just need the training really. I've got a pamphlet on the Rainbow Bridge and how to start the meetings, so I'm thinking about it. Thinking forward 🙂 Thanks so much for your post, and everyone else too. I don't need to see anyone on here, can feel you all :)) Love n light to you too! PS. I miss my cat!

    Sherri263: You know what makes em tick hun and you've had your fair share of pain from men too by the sounds of it, lost love as much as me. We were on the same wavelength most of the time, everything we did, we did it as one. We found out that we'd been in the same places at the same time, even before we'd met. I had a dream once about being in a woods somewhere, I saw his face in the dream. Then one day we were talking, and he told me that he'd done a love spell, then it turned out that he'd had the same dream as me and I was the face in his too. I know I should be hard as iron now, but the hurt and the memories are still strong. He's going to be hurting a bit too now I suppose, having to unpack everything and see things that I'd bought him. Memories. I know things with us in that sense are finished now. No more love. No going back. I couldn't go back, always wondering if it's going to happen again. The trust has gone, so no, there's never going to be any going back, we both know that. He put up with so much hassle in the beginning, due to my kids being like they were, but he stood by me through it all. He could have walked away after a while as it got so bad at one point. But he stayed, and that's when I knew in the beginning, he did love me. I had a health thing going on in January. Thought I was pregnant! I know, at my age, and after being steralised for 14 years. I had all of the signs, my belly swelled up, even my daughter said that I looked pregnant. He didn't have any kids, his parents didn't have grandchildren either, so I was kind of hoping that I was. He helped out on days when I wasn't feeling great, shopping, cooking, just generally being there for me. When my friend had cancer, her stomach swelled up, she looked pregnant too. 2 months later, she was gone. I'd done pregnancy tests and they all came back negative, so for a few weeks, I went through the hell of wondering if fate was going to take me the same way. Went for a scan, he came with me to hold my hand, and turned out that it was just a small fibroid, no baby. Could tell he was disappointed, so was I. Relieved, but disappointed. I'm not trying to defend him. Just trying to let you see that it wasn't all bad. Was the last few months that got me most. Yes, he should have been honest and told me when I'd approached him about it all. Instead of leading me up the garden path like he did, hiding things, especially when they were as serious as they were. But then he shouldn't have even done them in the first place, then I would have trusted him 100% instead of 98%, 90%, 70%, 50% 10% and 0% near to the end. Told him he's lost a good woman. That I'm too giving and good. He wants someone who can live upto his mark at the end of the day. I'm concentrating on me from now on hun. I've got so much more that I want to do in life! Paint! Sell my work! Get successful again. Get me back some of my self esteem 🙂 Thanks for your good advice chick, I feel it from you too 😉 xxxxxxxxx

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