Calling for Help from the Captain, also from all CANCERIAN men...
I am sure you are right that it is not over. But the more important thing is how are you going to handle this? The only thing you can control is your responses to his erratic and hurtful behavior. My best advice, don't add fuel to the fire. Respond calm and cool.
You are absolutely right, I regret replying in a hurtful way (I know that it was hurtful to him - although those responses would make me pause and just think). Why do you think it is still not over?
What bothers me is that there is a part of me STILL willing to give things a go and invest...but I doubt he would ever change and just be stable (and I am not asking for major changes I swear). Whenever we worked on some issues, others popped up...I'm just sick of the on/off thing...
Cancers have such a hard time letting go. In the beginning of my relationship with J, I felt so many things similar to what others in relationships with Cancers have felt. The off/on...the does he really even like me? How can he act like I don't exist? On and On.....I tried to break it off, but, he never really let me.
It was like, he would allow me to think that we were done...but..WHAM! Here he would come...right back. BC of that, it led to small conversations, which allowed both of us to learn more about each other. That also led me to here, to try and understand him better, BC honestly, he has been so hard for me to figure out on my own!! lol
I also started learning more about myself. And I knew, my behavior in our relationship had just as much impact as his. Honestly, I think we are just blessed that we are working out. It does have a lot to do with us, our efforts, our respect for each other, our distaste for drama, our need to be stable people, but....I think people have the ability to bring out the worst and best out of people. Figuring out how to accomplish that is the task.
I know they do, and what was painful is that it sometimes seemed that he would try to rekindle past flames when we weren't together, which is understandable and really his right, but it just sometimes feels like he doesn't really know what he wants...he wants to be with someone and to share and so forth, but also sometimes wonders whether the grass is greener on the other side and tries to pursue it...I understand he is inexperienced relatively in the gay world and might still be curious about it, and actually was willing to walk his hand through it (once the trust would have been established, I would have actually been OK with him trying to venture out and about, even sexually, even if that was hard for me, but my love is not selfish).
I agree that each time he came back I learned more, because he revealed another layer to me...each time he came back it was actually better in some ways, but the process of breaking up is just too painful and difficult for me, I know it is for him as well, but he was the one making the break ups (and then blames me and accuses me of doing it intentionally just to sleep about). I came here as well to understand him better, but I wonder if he ever put the same effort...
So did he actually break it off with you several times? How did you overcome the insecurity issues, how and why did you try to break it off, and how would he not let you?
What bothers me is that I KNOW he does love me, and he values and cherishes me, but I mean if you want to treat me as a possession, and they usually do take care of them, then why don't you do that to me? It just baffles me, he really needs to sit down with himself and sort his business out...I was willing to hold his hand while he does it, but I get the feeling that he doesn't really want to!!
No...he never broke it off with me. It was me. WOW!! How to explain how I came to learn about the issues...I guess I just realized that I love this man. A love that I have never experienced before. So, I did a lot of thinking, reading, watching him and his actions, etc.
I also think that, I was making more out of the issues then there really was. I think I was reading to much about cancer's and their pit falls, and the horror stories. Like I was waiting for him to act like everything I had read about, and was taking the small moments or his reluctance to communicate too deep. I just decided one day, that I love him, and I was going to quit sweating the small stuff, relax and just enjoy our time together.
About the break ups, I would tell him, ok..I am having an issue here, I need some space. he'd be like, OK...take all the time you need, I am not going anywhere...then the next day, he'd be like..I'm coming over! I was like WTF??? lol It hasn't even been 24 hours??? Is that all the time you think I needed? he was like yep!!It was kinda crazy.
The last time was the biggie though.....it was a bigger break, and we were both just miserable. That's all I can say. I was like, this is dumb!! So, I went to him and basically said..I am more miserable w/o you, then with you!! lol But, I know the misery when I am with you, is bc of my deep emotions and my need to push. Which is dumb, bc your actions have always shown me, faithfullness, love, protection and honesty. I said I was sorry, could he please forgive me and could we just enjoy one another? He said, that's all he has ever done (enjoy us) there was nothing to forgive....and he missed me. We've been amazing ever since. It's amazing the shift. he has opened up in a way to give me what I felt I was missing in the relationship. He is a solid, stand up guy who detests games. We have some boundaries, but yet we share everything.
I felt better when he felt better and vice a versa. We do not have the relationship dynamics that you do. I know that if we did, I would not be in this relationship. I think you hit the nail on the head that he may not want to change at all. Or if he does, he has no clue how to do it. So, what you do from here on out, is only up to you! You need to figure out if it is worth it. If it is, you have to go about things differently. And, if it isn't..you can walk away.
Well that's really sweet, I must say...I guess i am really tired...I usually go into relationships with people older than I am for the peace and less dramatic pace, but this is too much sometimes. I do know that he loves me, and probably was as faithful as he said (he said he was even in his mind), but the thing is that with numerous lies and different versions of the same story, and a weird interpretation of events from his side, makes it difficult for me to believe everything that's been said and done...
He sent me a song in my other birth language (which he does not fluently speak, but can manage with a few sentences and words), which was romantic, albeit a bit juvenile...I said thank you and emailed back asking if he was online (and I know that he was) but he didn't reply...I guess he wants to initiate something but wants me to do the work, but I just don't know if I want to go back to it...the cycle needs to break, the constant push/pull dance is too hectic and I just want a full commitment, no lies, no games, just be with each other and actually enjoy it!
Do you think that is possible with him? What does your instinct tell you?
Hmmm. It really depends I get mixed messages from him and so what I think changes, but I think I've got to put this one to rest. We had a weird exchange of messages last night...which he initiated...but then he backs off! LOL He has his wall very high and I cannot jkeep on melting it as usual...I told him to put himself in my shoes (regarding continuously finding a closed door), getting dumped, etc. and he was super defensive, brought up the fact that my ex (we are good friends, and it really ended before it actually ended...) anyway helped me buy groceries when the country snowed and everything was closed up...common friends managed to royally screw me over and communicate that and many hurtful things that I never said to him...needless to say, he's been activiating an intelligent network so to speak, gathering information from just about every person in town...i feel that everyone has ganged up against me and that I'm being severely judged for merely being human and having emotions...i guess he expected that I would just sit at home, mope and wait for him to come my way (which I actually pretty much did this time really, lol, except i wasn;'t waiting, i just slept, read, etc.)...
anyway he was very defensive and just wanted to quickly end things for good. texted me AGAIN after 2AM after he had said a short speech about how we need to move on and hope for the best in the future and so forth...he was like 'say your last word, since you always need to have it, so we can end this indefinitely'.
I didn't reply. he was too aggressive, too defensive and refuses to trust or believe in me. I sometimes feel he ever really loved or wanted me and is just a cruel, bitter, vindictive person.
I'm sorry if my tone was slightly aggressive, but this man, his games, side-stepping and general brat-like behavior (and most other cancerian men) just drives me nuts. It seems that they only see their pain, their problems and issues, and generally do not really care about how it makes others feel or what others need and feel...it really feels that they never grew out of their childhood, or adolescence, still have the angst, anxiety, insecurity, incertitude that come with that period of life, expect everyone to be as patient, babying and spoiling as their mothers were. I mean, we were not made and created just to make them happy, love them unconditionally, and then take their shi*t. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted - loving that man and assuming your duties as a partner was a lot of work...I had to basically do everything...even the break up itself, I had to force it out of him. It's shameful
I agree to this too
You not ready to be with him, understand this and move on.
I am not ready to be with him? I am sorry...but I think he is not ready to be with anyone...
Like you said Taurus7, he is back...we texted extensively last night,, which concluded with a weird, cool message of putting the past behind, moving on and looking forward to the future.
Today, i wake up to him saying he is miserable and sad without me...we continue to talk for a while, where I had to practically get a date out of him (he suggested it, but never gave a specific time or day) and was quite wishy washy about it. which bugs me to death...and I was upset because his dating profiles were online and i confronted him about that and him wanting to meet after his trip and me generally not ranking up high in priority. i felt he was nonchalant about it, and that is not a way to win me over. anyway, he called the whole thing off again...let's see.
VOC - I need to ask you permission for me to be my Taurus, truthful self with you. The reason I ask is bc so many times we are misunderstood. The truth is not always easy, pretty or feel good, but I really think my truthful perspective can help you either heal this relationship or be able to move on.
Please go ahead...by all means...
and i respond well to taurean moments of truth - most of my best friends are.
Well, this is a very dramatic and volatile relationship. I also do not think it is healthy for either one of you the way it stands now.
My biggest concern is this for you. Can you bring about the needed changes or can you break away from this and retain your mental health.
I understand how you feel, what you need from him, etc. I don't think texting is a good way to communicate those needs though. You cant hear tone or see a persons physical reaction.
I also don't think it's healthy for you to continually be a yo-yo on a string for him and I think you need to set some boundaries for yourself.
One time I did something that hurt J. Ok, I understand, but his response hurt me back. Of course that was his intentions but it was very early in our relationship. He acted like a baby. Made a snide comment then clammed up. It pissed me off. So, a few moments later, I told him with much conviction, that he would not be making snide comments to me. That I have been through too much stuff in my life for that. That if he could not talk to me like an adult, then don't bother. We've never had that issue again.
That is my point to you. Don't tolerate what is intolerable. That will only bring you harm emotionally.
that is exactly what I am doing now...and what I did the last time we broke up. I basically gave him an ultimatum, that it's either all or nothing, a full commitment or nothing. and the past week I have stood my ground firmly - the problem is that when I do so, he immediately hides away and gives up (hence I did not do that before). But I really did reach that point: either the necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship are there (trust, stability, openness, commitment, loyalty, honesty, etc.) or there is no relationship at all. that his actions and childishness have consequences that are equal in measure and opposite in direction: if he acts that way, I will react in a similar proportion in the opposite direction. that he needs to align his words with actions (I mean really - you say i'm worth so much, that you're miserable and sad without me, but you stay up until 2am on gay dating sites, rather than talk to me about the problem and focus on your relationship?! such disrespect).
it's just easier to do that than deal with another heartbreak, and even if it never works out at all, then fine, at least, I would have the time, space and energy to be able to find someone more suitable, or even stay on my own for a long while, focus on my career and just enjoy my life and freedom.
I know texting is not a good way...but how do you bring out such a person from their shell? he refused to even give me a date to see me...he is so afraid and terrified and insecure that he cannot look me in the way until he musters up the courage and the strength...deep down inside HE knows all of the horrible things he's done and put me through and KNOWS how much i dealt with to be with him, and that is why he wont give up. I just wish he stops being a kid and becomes a man, it is quite shameful and embarrassing that:
a) i am 23 years his junior and he acts like it's the other way around!
b) he ganged up half of the town against me - so I'm the villain and the victim, LOL
c) he is miserable without me, but his actions indicate otherwise.
I agree my friend! I would say if he texts you again, just say I would love to talk to you in person. If he cannot make that minimal commitment, I would say it is not worth it any longer. It's not like you are asking him for anything major. Just normal decency.
exactly...thank you...I told him that I only requested any basic ingredient that is ESSENTIAL not like a favor or a compromise...and yet he wants me to treat his ridiculous demands as god-given rights...he is so in his own world, so selfish that he cannot even realize or think of somebody besides himself. and yes, thank you, i am planning on doing just that. or just declining and saying that he has been given one too many chances and that he should make way for someone who deserves to be with me,.
I hope it all works out for you!
I don't necessarily mean this exact relationship. Not that I don't! lol It's just that everyone deserves to be happy. Whether that is with or w/o someone, so be it. But turmoil is draining.
I sent you an email....it's official old cancer friend hates me! At least I know...