Calling for Help from the Captain, also from all CANCERIAN men...
I am not sure if you're aware of the relationship issues I've addressed a couple of times on this forum...do bear in mind that it was written with some biased attitude that naturally comes with retrospectively telling a story...in any case, here goes it:
I've been on/off with a guy who is 20 years my senior, we are both gay...there is some undeniable emotional/chemical bond that seems to be very tough to shake...we have worked through a lot of our issues and differences, but the underlying theme seems to be: trust, insecurity and fear. relationships are very difficult to sustain with these three in the middle, but I want to know if we can really work through things one last time or not...we have broken apart several times mostly due to an argument over a misunderstanding, we both have an issue with communication: he doesn't like to do it (typical cancerian) and I over do it (typical gemini). he is adamant that I will leave again (fear) and thinks I might cheat (because I am younger), and so he is not sure and still sort of keeps his options open (although he claims there is nothing there). He has his own view of things and really tells versions of each story...it fascinates me how he alters details and sees things really from a distorted view and lies without batting an eyelid (over silly things). But I feel that faithfulness is really in him and part of his core belief (and he affirmed this several times).
I am afraid that we have been beating a dead horse, but I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss him, how the chemistry we had in bed was fascinating (obviously lust is a big component here), and sometimes, when he is calm and collected, and when I am in my chirpy mood, things are just simply amazing - if only they could stay that way!
He is so insecure about my going back to my ex, that I love flirting (which is reasonable, as I did sleep around every time HE broke it off - but I really thought it was over for good). I really am not in an enviable position...to not be with someone you love, but also, deep down inside, you probably KNOW that it is too difficult and there has been too much hurt to make things happen and work out...
I cannot seem to get over him, and a big part of me doesn't want to get over him. We are both VERY similar in ways I never even imagined I'd find...he tells me things that I've never dreamed of someone saying "i'm faithful to you even in my mind", "you plan your life and I will adapt to it accordingly...if you have to move, etc. we will haev to make an executive decision, and you will be proud of how far I'm willing to go"
I think some of my mistakes were not giving him space...sometimes asking for too much too soon...giving him an ultimatum (especially the last time, but I just got too tired of the push/pull, on/off) sometimes not being understanding or sensitive towards his emotions...but I am willing to give things really one last shot...
He broke things off on Saturday and wrote him a lengthy text message asking if he wants to give it one last go...he replied NO, but it's nothing I haven't heard before...I don't know if he would come back or not frankly...I am at a point where I am just LOST, and CONFUSED. and I have never been here before...
Only time will mend this relationship and get it into a healthy state. Times of building trust by being faithful to each other - without no over-the-top flirting (which is not about anyone else but about your insecuritites about yourself) or going with another person. Your partner needs to see that you won't run off with the first person who looks your way after you two have had some disagreement. You must learn to hang in there and work through your problems and not turn to someone else or retreat into hurt isolation. Neither of you sounds as if you are really working hard at this relationship. If you really want it to survive, you have to be prepared to tough it out, not give up at the first hurdle.
Also communication is a two-way street. You prefer to talk and your partner prefers to feel how things are. You can't expect each other to give up your ways completely but you can teach each other how to learn other ways to communicate. Compromise is necessary here to overcome all the fears and insecurities you two have. By the way, you are not gay if you are sleeping with and attracted to someone of the opposite sex - you are bisexual. Just thinking you only prefer the same gender may lock you into a way of thinking or behaving that harms the relationship.
You need to be honest with each other over what you want from the relationship. And you need to make promises to each other about giving the other person what they need - and keeping those promises. You also need to be aware of and admit to the mistakes you have both made in this relationship. If you don't make changes to the way you two conduct this relationship, it will always be an on-again/off-again affair with no real depth, strength, or longevity.
Thank you Captain. i agree with all you said and actually used to think that way (not giving up at the first attempt, or first sign of finding someone else), but in the gay world sex is very easy to find, and I found myself being singled out for thinking this way in previous relationships - which is not fair for him. Basically, I acted on a learned behavior and didnt stay true to myself.
I agree we have a trust and communication issue and did look at solutions for both. I think we both want to work on things, but the problem is that sometimes he just shuts down completely and the previous on/off phases really chipped away at my energy levels, self esteem and trust and faith in him.
I did take a step backwards to evaluate how I feel about this person, if it's worth it, if I want to stay in it...although there are many things that make it imperfect (age difference, kids, etc.) i do feel that we are similar in ways that are actually scary. we have intense chemistry, and of course every relationship has ups/downs, but the ups were really good, and well, the downs were really bad, but i still believe that we can work through those issues out...
He may not realize that he does shut down or that his on-off phases hurt you. Have you talked to him about this issue?
I did address them, but he is adamant that I intentionally inflict the troubles and problems so he would break up, and then I would go about sleeping around with people, then go back to him...I've decided to withdraw from anything (online sites, Facebook, gay bars) indefinitely to prove that that was never my intention. Each time he broke it off, I thought it was over for good and just tried to heal my wounds with ways I thought would make sense to me. Surprisingly enough, I've found that withdrawing, focusing on myself and work, introspecting, researching about his behavior was a far better healer. I am not sure if he will come back again, but if he does (and I do hope that he would - despite all the work we both need to put in, and I'm not sure he would invest anymore) I need to find a way to break this vicious cycle.
Recently, i learned that this time, he is also adamant that I have cheated and have been flirting with other men behind his back (which could probably explain his strange behavior). also, he is adamant that I will go back to my ex (we were together for 6 years) and that in some way i am trying to force the dynamics of that relationship onto this one...
which is so weird to me:
a) i was almost miserable then (went through two depressions) with that ex, as he was not as romantic, sensitive, understanding as I would like him to be, plus the sex was rather bad.
b) i would NEVER cheat, even if I was flirtatious as a single person, to my loyalty and trust are of paramount importance, and i know how bad it feels to be cheated on, and would never do that to him.
c) if i am happy with him, why would i cheat or go to my ex? i am not a masochist. i do persevere however, and only give up (for good) if there is NOTHING else i can do and I have exahusted all chances, options and ways to keep the relationship. i am a keeper.
VOC, this is not about you or what you may or may not do. It's about your Cancerian's insecurities and lack of confidence in his own attractiveness. Until he deals with these issues of his, he will always doubt himself and as a consequence of that self-doubt, he will always doubt the person he is with. Like I said, only time will prove your faithfulness and devotion to him. So take care with your flirting - it may be harmless fun to you but to your partner, it's a sign that you are getting sick of him. You need to confront him about these insecurities and tell him that you cannot be married to someone who doesn't trust you. He has to work through his problems and a good motivator might be your unwillingness to marry him unless he does. Don't expect things to settle down and get better if you marry, either - they will actually get much worse so action must be taken before the wedding day arrives.
VOC - The Captain is giving you some huge insight. I know with my cancer guy, trust is a huge issue for him. I think that is why we have progressed so slow. Which is fine with me, I am in no hurry.
The one thing I have learned is to keep my words to a minimum, but allow my actions to speak for my feelings. By doing that, I have earned his trust. For any relationship to be successful, you have to have a strong foundation.
I hope you are doing well, allowing yourself time to think, process and settle yourself. I know how unsettling a relationship with a Cancer can be.
Thanks Captain and Taurus for both of your advice, i really appreciate it. Yes, I've been merely introspecting, reflecting and thinking for the past few weeks, luckily I have an excellent support system of great friends who have been there for me through this mess. There is no talk of marriage Captain, I doubt it would ever happen, and anyway, a civil union would suffice to me (I really am not the demanding type and understand that some men are not comfortable with gay marriage yet). I have realized that our relationship really lacked so many fundamentals, such as respect, honesty, loyalty and stability. I don't care what star sign is he - he is a man in his 40s, he really needs to figure out what he wants and needs before he starts jumping into relationships with people and dragging them down with HIS insecurities, HIS problems, HIS past, HIS imagined fears...i have a cancerian friend, one of my best friends, who was horrible in his relationships, but the guy actually took 2 years off from everything in the world to sort his own shi*t out, by introspecting and thinking, analyzing himself and coming to terms with his identity completely.
How can you ask someone to trust you, respect, love and be there for you if you are incapable of delivering those yourself? At least give me the beginning of the rope, meet me halfway, do something. His fickle attitude, general indifference, selfishness really bothers and hurts me. He too went out and 'searched' for alternatives and rekindled past flames...all I did was have empty, meaningless sex with people that I feel nothing for - i never betrayed him emotionally and just agreed to consensual sex with adults who just want to satisfy a biological need. there is no need to act childish, immature and coy about it.
Voc, to a water sign....the fact that you refer to sex as satisfying a biological need, would make me not deal with you whatsoever. I know with my head, that's an accurate statement, but my heart would think that you were a cheater, even if it was after a breakup. How easy it is to just jump in bed with someone...all the cancers I know, attach emotions to sex. (even if it was casual, there has to be something there). And they are crazy jealous...unreasonably so....just with flirting with someone...even if someone flirts with you in front of them and you don't reciprocate, you still catch hell. (I did and we weren't even intimate). So I can't imagine if a cancer is aware you slept around during breaks...that would be a war with him....total p. I. S. s. I. N g. Him off.
That was you still catch h.e.l.l.
I'm sorry if my tone was slightly aggressive, but this man, his games, side-stepping and general brat-like behavior (and most other cancerian men) just drives me nuts. It seems that they only see their pain, their problems and issues, and generally do not really care about how it makes others feel or what others need and feel...it really feels that they never grew out of their childhood, or adolescence, still have the angst, anxiety, insecurity, incertitude that come with that period of life, expect everyone to be as patient, babying and spoiling as their mothers were. I mean, we were not made and created just to make them happy, love them unconditionally, and then take their shi*t. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted - loving that man and assuming your duties as a partner was a lot of work...I had to basically do everything...even the break up itself, I had to force it out of him. It's shameful.
Oh I agree, they are h.e.a.v.e.n. and h.e.l.l. Wrapped into one package.
They blocked out the letterV! Does tarot.com think it is too close to the word V.A.G.I.N.A. Lol.........
Yeah, but I mean there are two things: logic and self control. I'm a Gemini, and let's say the typical Gemini type likes to be, hmmm, flighty? yeah, I controlled that, and a lot of other things, and not just for him, but because I know that these are things that one shouldn't be doing in relationships - get my drift? My point is that they expect everyone to alter their lives to adapt to theirs, to their emotions, their needs with total disregard to what I need, want or feel. It was just too much work and the payoff was low, i know I sound too practical and business-like almost with something that is matters of the heart, but at one point, you need to put your foot down and do something that is against your heart but good for your psyche, self esteem, career, life, etc. because obviously, he has NO intention to take ANY of those into consideration. you only have yourself - why lose it for someone? even if you get love, security, affection, etc. in return? I'd rather be alone forever but have my sanity intact quite frankly.
Yes I understand, I wish I wasn't so sensitive I am a Pisces sun with a Scorpio moon...I am pretty much f.u.c.k.e.d. You sound exhausted from your cancerian experience...you are being wise in ending it.
Hey, I'm sensitive as well...and very emotional...I mean my venus (love sign) is in cancer, need I say more? My moon is in scorpio, ascendant is taurus and pretty much my chart is loaded with water and earth signs...I have no clue why was I born in May, otherwise I wouldn't have had a whiff of air in my birth charts!
But there comes a point where you are just emotionally drained, when you've done all you can, given it your all, and the other party is not only closed off, but also unappreciative, unyielding, refuses to listen, cooperate or compromise...you need to take a step backwards to evaluate the whole situation objectively (I think that's where gemini kicks in) and beg the question: what is it that this person has that makes me a better person? What will I NOT find in anybody else, and is it worth all this trouble? does this relationship carry any of the values that I regard as essential? Do i see myself with the person after 2, 3 or 5 years? What is it that keeps me hanging?
And frankly, each passing day I find less and less positive replies to those questions. I am ending it from my part, and I expect him to come back frankly, he already started peeking out for security and safety...texting me today if I am safe and ok in this weather (heavy snow here), to which I responded, yes thanks for asking, then replying with a silly smile. As if he expected me to give him a cookie for just asking about me. the behavior cries out 14 year old teenage girl and not 48 year old man! it's cute sometimes and endearing, but it comes with a heavy negative side that is too much to bear sometimes. and you know what? I wouldn't be half as pissed off if he didn't change his mind on whether he loves, cares me or not every month or so! i wouldn't be this harsh if he at least remained consistent in just his feelings and thoughts...
The bottom line is: before you get into something, figure your stuff out. we all come with baggage in life, at least sort it out in neatly stacked piles before you commit to someone, it really does the two of you a huge favor. life is hard as it is, with so much uncertainty and pain and frustration, you need an environment that is safe, harmonious and just like a haven to escape to sometimes. why make things so complicated when they can be so simple and happy? I just wanted to come back home to somebody that I love, cook, watch TV, host friends and dinners, read our books, make breakfast, go for excursions, etc. together. it's such a simple aspiration, yet so difficult when you're with someone who is adamant that the world is against him, including you, when luck always betrays him, when he is saddled with so much issues and drama and baggage in his head.
Jeez, you can feel how frustrated i am by just reading! LOL
Voc.. i find that if you should cont'd to be with this emotional negative CM.. nothing will come out good even next few yrs down the road.. cos your CM seem unsure of what he wants since he did again texting you to show concern and he is definitely insecurity esp you keep on contacting others that made him even more backing off..try not to mention other guys infront of him for that is fatal mistake for his lack of confidence, only drive him into depression.
Well my CM told me tat "THe shell thingy only for show .. infact inside is full of hidden passion."
My piece of adivise, just leave him alone atm , cos he can't give you a definite ans .. just let him sort thing first..
I get what you're saying DEP, but the thing is that he also was looking for sex, and continues to do so...
Thanks for the advice Vircheery..
He sent me weird text messages on Thursday night (beginning of weekend), but I was asleep then and couldn't reply immediately...he checked on me again, but then grew nuts when I didn't reply, and assumed that I was out clubbing and hooking up...he was very possessive in the sense that it was almost NOT OK for me to go out, though he was obviously drunk. I was somewhat aggressive and said that he will regret one day what he has put me through and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, he became upset and angry and disrespectful. passive aggressive again. apparently (according to friends) he is keeping to himself, watching films and all the time on the dating sites, which amazes me. He changed his relationship status on FB to married (basically married to his couch and DVD player)...which I find is very immature, although funny, but childish...I am just sick of the childish games, even though he is sad about it and regrets it. I have a feeling this is not over yet...