Problem not starting relationships but maintaining them
I would like to know if there are other females out there having trouble maintaining relationships once they are in one. I personally do not have any trouble at all attracting men into my life and getting them interested, but I find it hard for me to maintain and "be" in a relationship after I pass the three to six month mark. I somehow find a way to sabotage things during this time. This is not something that happened before my divorce (because I was married!) or before I was married. I have been divorced for six years and I believe I have healed, but I am not sure if this can be pretty common for other people as well. I do not rush into a relationship, men go overboard and I put on the breaks, but I typically start or end up being in long distance relationships or, if they are near me, I start developing some anxiety around it after things reach a certain permanency...Anyone else out there with the same concerns? or comments?
Wow my relationships usually last an average of a few nights. I think you're doing pretty well if you can get them to last 6 months.
Thank you for responding...in your case, why do you think that is the case?
I wish I had an answer for you there, usually I'm overly picky and most guys drive me away.
mardepp - your post caught my attention because I am in a new relationship and some of your thoughts are similar to mine. I'm four years divorced. Had no interest at all in dating for the first year. Then got into 2 year relationship with an almost completely unavailable man. Had a reunion with an old flame from the past that lasted about three months (but he was conveniently 500 miles away), dated several guys and rejected nearly all of them after one date. Have had my new guy for just over a month now and I'm already "twitchy".
My issue is basically losing control of my freedom to live life the way I want. Maybe I'm selfish or maybe time and experience have killed my sense of romance, I'm honestly not sure. I don't mind having a man in my life, but I don't want to give up everything for one. I don't want to be told what to do or think or wear or anything else for that matter. I don't want to argue with anyone on a daily basis and I don't want to feel like I am missing out on things I want to do just to spend time hanging out with my guy or have him involved in everything I do. Since divorcing I run my own show and I've gotten used to that. Queen of my castle, lol. I guess it got pretty comfortable. Probably has everything to do with the reasons that I got divorced as well. Which was basically because I had none of those things that I just listed. Lived like a bird in a cage and I already know that I'll fly away (or sabotage things) if I have the slightest sense that a man wants more with me than I am ready to give at this time.
Like you, I believe I "healed" from divorce a long time ago. I was very ready to be divorced (was with my ex-husband for 16 years). My current issues are beyond that and I don't necessarily think I am wrong to feel the way I do. I just think it's going to take a very specific kind of personality to get along with me these days. Someone who values his own freedom (so that he can respect mine) and yet can still maintain a faithful relationship and be there when I really need him (which I would do as well) - but which is not necessarily ALL the time. Don't know if that's possible, but I'm not inclined to deal with anything more than that right now. So far my current guy seems okay with this, but things are pretty new so time will tell.
I also have three children, btw, between the ages of 11 and 16. I think this affects how much I am willing to put into relationships as well. Between my kids, their activities, and working full time I already have enough things vying for my attention. I need a man who isn't needy in a relationship because I'm already spread pretty thin here. Maybe you have a similar situation?
Anyway, just thought I'd put in my two cents since I can relate to what you are saying. I have a friend who likes to say, "when you are ready for it, it will all be there waiting for you". ("It" being whatever it is that you don't have in your life but maybe it's something you do want at some point). It sounds to me like you just aren't ready for a serious commitment. If you think that's a negative thing, then maybe you need to figure out why so that you can understand how to have a longer relationship. If you don't think that living without an exclusive relationship is a negative thing, then just accept that you aren't ready and enjoy your freedom!
Hi Jenever! I am glad you wrote, thank you for that. A lot to say in what you are writing because you really do sound like me, ha ha.I am busy during the day today but I will make time to write tonight because your post sparked a lot of thoughts...I have been reading the thread that you started on the Virgo man and it is interesting too because I am dating a Virgo guy and like you with your new person it just started a month ago also...More on that tonight! Have a great day!
Look forward to talking with you mardepp. Maybe we can help each other figure some things out - besides Virgo men please, lol. As you know I've been analyzing the enigmantic Virgo man for nearly three years now and never found any answers. I'll keep an eye out for your post since I am interested to hear more of your thoughts. We do seem to be in a similar stage right now.
Oh, wow! Jenever, so much to respond to. Well, I feel instant kinship for various reasons one of them the fact that you are a Cancerian! I love the Cancer sign (my ex husband and an ex boyfriend are both Cancers). I am as the picture shows a Saggie, hee hee.
Well, I think that I am ready for a relationship finally. I am at least trying to find that out at the moment. But your story and what you wrote is pretty carbon copy of mine (interesting). Since my divorce I had a couple of serious relationships and a reunion with the old flame too that lasted three months also! He was also in another country so yeah (he had broken my heart 20 years prior and return to try to do the same thing again!!)...I fell in love in 2010 with a Cancer man and he pushed for a strong commitment soon, including introducing me to his family, etc. And it fell apart once I gave him my heart. So I have been trying to be more reserved with the giving part, I find that guys can be head over heels in love with you and the next week they might get flaky, so now I believe that only time and actions will tell if they mean it or not. I had a couple of dating experiences this past year but I took a long time (a good three years ) to be by myself. So, now I feel that I have healed for the most part and that I am ready. But here is when it gets tricky (I know you are dating the Aries man, I saw your other post in the other thread)...Like you I value my independence and freedom and things have cost me dearly so I am cautious though not jaded...At the same time I crave a relationship in my life, but do not know if I am capable of that. I have always found a way to have long distance relationships...
Like you, I believe that it would take a special person to fit my circumstances for the same reasons you mentioned. I believe I may have found him, but all of a sudden I get scared, of being hurt, of getting too attached to the outcome of things, etc...
Also like you I started dating someone (Virgo man) a little over a month ago. I have never found Virgos interesting before...this guy has broken the mold for me on many respects...he has been amazing all this time, so caring and thoughtful and consistent. As my feelings for him grow, so do my insecurities...I start "expecting" certain things, I want them, and when they do not happen the way I envisioned them I feel let down...It was not like this until recently (having the expectations and certain anxiety attached to it)...Well, everything has been running super smooth until today. Today we got physical for the first time, and I was disappointed in myself because I did not feel ready and he felt he was not a good shepherd of that and that with this other responsibilities come into play. For me I felt like "ok, it is over, I managed to ruin everything already", and I do not want to think that way. We had a long conversation on the phone of two hours and a half and we are on the same page on a lot of things...it turns out he is getting twitchy too but it is a good thing because we want to keep growing with this. I will give you an example: he texted me two pictures last night and I didn't respond, because we had spoken on the phone already and I was doing other things. Today he said that he wondered if my feelings for him were the same as the ones he had for me based on the fact that I didn't reply his text...It is refreshing to speak with a guy and he tells me exactly what is on his mind, it fascinates me and it scares me because in being vulnerable there is a real chance of truly creating something momentous but at the same time the possibility of getting hurt is also there. And frankly I do not know what the answer is...We just agreed that if the expectations are not met here or there, we will talk about it and we will not hold that against each other...We both felt very subconscious today...it seems we got over it with the conversation, so we will see if things keep evolving or if they get stagnant.
I think I have conquered most of my insecurities, but I have a couple of remnants that I need to face. Perhaps that means I am not ready like you said, I must deal with that...perhaps it means that despite the fact that I am trying to look for excuses not to get involved I still am...
I saw in your other post that you got your Aries man a gift for Valentine's and he was not very demonstrative...I think guys do not react to gifts like we do, but i am sure he still appreciated it. I hope it is going well for you and him. I hope that we can conquer our inner demons!!
Well, we certainly have similar circumstances. I got intimate for the first time with my guy just two days ago. On one hand I felt that I could have waited much longer, on the other, I was curious about our compatibility that way. I didn't want to get months into things and find out that we were not compatible in all ways. Much harder to get out of things at that point. I think physical compatibility is just as important as everything else. I won't go TMI on you, but he was full of surprises and to be perfectly honest, I believe I may bore him eventually. Maybe I need to not be so serious, I don't know. But it has me thinking.
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Maybe I'm fishing for excuses myself. Since you read some of my thread you have some understanding of my last "relationship". Between that, and relationships through time, marriage and divorce, and the general predictability of how things go, I am not sure that I feel insecure about anything as much as I feel a sense of futility. Seems like relationships all run a similar course no matter how great things start out. It's so draining just thinking about the first time I find myself needing to have to "have a talk" about anything. The things you and your guy are discussing already - the unmet expectations. The start of an endless cycle of problem solving. How to stay out of that? That's what I want to figure out.
Is that inevitable or does it really reflect just one more wrong choice in a man/relationship? I am happy that Ariesman and I haven't reached a point of needing to sort anything out yet. Is this because we are still at a fairly casual stage or is this because I'm not investing myself emotionally? It was very difficult to find my balance after dealing with my Virgo. Like you, I would enjoy a close relationship in my life, but I will cut and run if any man messes with my emotions again. I'm not going to get into too many discussions before I just say, "forget this". Am I smarter now or am I just jaded?
So many questions, lol. For me the best answer still feels like just taking it slow and not rush to figure out what the relationship is supposed to look like. Sometimes that seems like half the problem - setting a target for what you want with someone and missing the point of just being with them right now. Certainly you want things to evolve and grow, but you are right - when the expectations start arising that's when things get tricky. Ariesman doesn't seem like he's in a rush for anything in particular, and he seems like he's pretty open with his thoughts and feelings...but people play games once they have decided what they want because it's human nature to try to get it.
I might have more thoughts, but it's late here and I need some sleep. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. So interesting that we have been on a similar path and it has brought us to a similar place - a place of uncertainty, lol.
Well have a good night sleep...I should do the same, but I am a night owl, so hard for me to go to bed early. I like what you wrote, so true...yes, I am becoming highly suspicious of things that require too much explaining or rationalizing, etc in a relationship...The old flame who came back for the long distance three months thing was like that...a master manipulator, analyzing every little thing that we would say or discuss and what it meant! Hopefully with Virgo guy things will not turn out this way.
You are right about finding out about the physical compatibility. It is so important, we really need all three aspects of the physical, the intellectual and the emotional planes to be compatible and it seems that the older we get and once you figure out how much life has cost you (in emotional terms) we are not so giving anymore and we are giving with lots of caution.
I do not believe you are jaded at all or you would not be seeing someone. There is probably scar tissue and you must be careful not to reopen those wounds. And we hopefully become smarter about giving and receiving, still with an open heart but not an indiscriminate heart. You are doing the right thing and putting yourself first. I think for us women, we should always look within and make sure that we are not being thrown out of our center and protect our intuition.
I understand about the sense of futility. It seems that if you get hurt after a divorce in a new relationship the hurt is magnified to so much more...we do heal, and I do believe that we have the capability to start anew. I have that thought too that no matter how great it starts it may get ruined...and I was thinking that today..."yes, I have been told these wonderful things by so and so and he was not being truthful so what are the signs this time for me to know that this person is being sincere?". I have learnt many lessons and it has gotten better yet still the greatest lesson in life for me has been to release all attachment from any outcomes of any sort. And this really applies to all aspects in life. And it is the hardest one to learn too.
Have a great Sunday!
usually it's the men that rushed into it, being assertive pursuing, and they are also the ones can't stand the intensity of commitment. and then I become anxious/ worried, that's when I usually dropped them. but I think they want me to drop them, because when they can't handle the intensity, they become bad tempered and avoiding me. Oh well kind of strange. if they can't handle commitment, they can just be honest about it and I'll let them go. rather than bickering and mocking me due their own frustrations LOL the only one who handles commitment well so far is a Cap I was married to for 11 yrs. We are separated now. He too was often emotional the longer time we spent together. But being away from each other he has found the truth of his feelings and he still loves me. I may, or may not, give him second chance. But regardless, my focus now is on relationship with myself. maybe the intensity is due to Scorpio dominant in my chart, or so many failures in relationship (7th house) is meant to happen so that I focus on my Self (1st house) which is where my North node (purpose in this life time) is.
Sorry it has taken me a while to reply. Your post had me thinking. I have experienced the same thing. Men usually go crazy about me in the first stages but then they lose interest just as quickly. I am dating someone now and I am changing many of the ways I did things before. In general, my mistake has been trusting what they tell me, which has nothing to do with what they may or may not show me and so I give back and I guess that kills the attraction. So now (and it is extremely hard for me) I practice letting him lead, initiate and do everything. And I do return his affection but it involves monitoring my behavior because I do have a tendency to overcompensate. He wants to spoil me and go the extra mile for me, so why not let him? I feel more at ease and the and the angst hasn't set in, but we will see how it continues...I am a big saboteur!! I am truly trying to learn to receive. Also, this is so fragile and new, it will only be nearly two months, so this is my most vulnerable time. He is a bundle of nerves on the other hand, and I would like to see him relax more because I do not know if it means he is not sure about me or that he is so excited that I am keeping him on his toes...We will see. Huge learning process...
Question, are you still in love with your ex? If you have not found your ideal relationship yet and you are not sure, then perhaps he is not the one you have to go back too. There is someone out there for you, whether it is your ex or someone new but we must conquer these things in ourselves first.
yes I am still in love with him and we are still friends. I am not looking for anyone new, or looking to reconcile with him.
right now my focus is on relationship with Self. I will not be successful in any committed relationship without successful relationship with Self anyway.
I am doing fine as far as friendship and romance. So that's where I will stay for now. No commitment with anyone until I am fully committed to Self, self development.
Later in the year, I will decide which man I will commit to. Funny thing is, that's exactly when divorce can be finalized, if I want divorce that is. Over here divorce is granted after 1 yr separation.
by the way hope the best for your relationship this time
I always find taking it slow and light is best way. maybe it's a good idea if you take it slow and light too. who gives who receives, just enjoy it. that way not too intense for him and no angst for you, well at least you keep it at bay LOL
I am going it slow and light until at least Fall. Give me time to know the new people and them to know me. Also give my Self time to heal. I am still in contact with stbx and he said if I find someone else he will not ruin it. I'll see what happens
Thank you for the good wishes! Yes, it is about taking it one step at a time, but that is the hardest lesson for me, because I thought I did that in the past and then at one point in the relationship the scale starts to tip and I end up doing more. It was hard for me at first but I am really sitting back and observing and I am truly enjoying it. I took time to be by myself and heal and conquer things about myself I did not like. It is like now I have an opportunity to put them into practice. I think that what you are doing is the best thing you can do for yourself and it will give peace and happiness and then decisions will happen naturally and be better for you. If something is meant to be the universe will find a way to make it happen...