Help with a depressive alcoholic cancer man please!

  • I could really do with some "expert" advice on how to deal with a man I love deeply but who is no more than a "contact". We met two years ago and it became very intense very quickly, mainly on his part. He used to bombard me with texts every day and even told me he loved me on the second meeting, which I laughed off at the time (too much drink, disbelief and embarrasment I guess). Things dwindled after a few weeks, but then neither of us seemed to be able to keep away, so it was on/off for quite a while. I must admit by this point I was the one doing the persuing, usually after too much to drink when I had the courage, and it always resulted in us "sleeping" together. Many times he told me it "wasn't going anywhere" (I believe the main reason for this is because I'm 13 years older than him) but I couldn't accept it as I felt the kind of connection with him that I've never felt with anyone in my life. Anyway, it all eventually came to a grinding halt when he told me he'd met someone and that I had to leave him alone, and although it hurt like mad, because I love him I did just that. Fast forward to a year later, and after thinking about him every single day, I decided to contact him on Xmas Eve. Wasn't expecting a reply, but I was amazed at what followed. We swapped texts for nearly three hours into the earlies of Xmas morning, with him being pleased that I'd contacted him and to "believe" it (as I didn't), me gushing away at how much he means to me (which he said meant a lot to him) and us arranging to meet on Xmas Day evening. Just before the time came to meet, he told me that he'd starting drinking (having given up for 2.5 months) and that it "wouldn't be good for him to see me". Whatever that means. Much guilt follows on my part (did he drink because he was going to see me). Anyway so I send a few texts telling him I'm there for him whenever he needs me (as a friend), and basically saying to throw whatever you like at me, I won't change how I feel. A couple of weeks later, I am BOMBARDED with texts in the middle of the night, demanding that I go and see him, first of all not in a sexual way but then of course it turned into that, how he couldn't wait etc. but I refused, saying if it means that much you'll wait, and I'll see you the next day or whenever. This went on for over 2 hours, it was pretty relentless. So we met two days later, round his house (5 mins) away, I was amazed how we just seemed to pick up where we left off, there was no awkwardness at all. We laughed and chatted he told me about how he's with AA and trying to get off coke, having counselling (for a few problems I already know about as he's confided in me a couple of times), talks about his family etc. then he takes me by the hand and leads me to a familar place and theres no need to say what happened.... we lay there joking and laughing for a while, then I had to leave, we said goodbye and that was that. I didn't dream for a million years I'd never see him again. Two days after, he texts me to say don't contact him anymore as he was trying to patch things up with his ex!!! Now I'm sorry to say but I wasn't going to just say "OK" after making contact after a year, so I ended up drunkenly texting him to say I love him and I always will, which he thinks I said because I'd had a few, but as I said back the truth comes out when you're drunk. Apparently so he says. Its all gotten a bit silly now as I've sent quite a few more to him, and the last contact we had was me (sober this time!) texting him to say I think he owes me an apology (he replied I'm sorry straight back) then me trying to push it and say "for what exactly", then him telling me to f*** off and he's in no mood for my games!! I replied the next day saying I think we need to clear the air, but he just said "we're good" which I'm sure we're not... so how do I go forward here? This is a man with no self worth (he's told me as much), doesn't believe that people actually care about him, fallen off the wagon, home alone (worse thing is its only 5 mins away) and now thinking that I didn't mean what I said when I soooo did. And apparently he's been referred for psychotherapy. I feel theres something between us and that I feel for him as I get what he's going through, he's told me he is alone with his problems and needs someone he can rely on and who's on his wavelength (i.e. me), I don't feel its right to give up, but I'm not sure what step to take next. I'm thinking of just knocking on his door and telling him straight that I really do love him, I want nothing in return, just for him to know I'm there in whatever shape or form he wants me. Or am I wasting my time? Help!!

  • Must add that during the first time we were seeing each other, it went on for about 6 months, but it was only ever casual, but I was constantly told how "nothing will ever come of us" and "its not going anywhere", which just made my self esteem take a bit of a nose-dive as I'm not the type for casual relationships.

  • I'm thinking of just knocking on his door and telling him straight that I really do love him, I want nothing in return, just for him to know I'm there in whatever shape or form he wants me. Or am I wasting my time? Help!!

    I think you must do this as it will help you ease your mind.

  • Thing is all I do is think, constantly. Never brave enough to do anything about it. It must come across as though I don't really mean it? And although he has seriously played games with me, I know he's "troubled" so I kind of make excuses for him all the time. Its really driving me crazy ... if I really believe there was nothing "there" I probably would have given up ages ago!!

  • Making excuses for someone is a dangerous position to put yourself in when someone refuses to communicate honestly. This isn't necessarily a cancer thing, it seems as though you have gotten the answer by your interactions that he does not care about your feelings. Move on with the quickness and really take a hard look at what you really want in a man and write it down. Revisit this list regularly and dont waiver from what you need. Know what you are looking for and never let anyone control or be your source for happiness. Good luck.!

  • It does seem pretty cut and dried and straightforward, and anyone in there right mind would just "leave it", but theres so much more than I've put on here. I know he had feelings for me at the beginning, I also know that he feels comfortable enough with me to "open" up about his worries and dreams, and I know that the drink and drugs is to cover up his feelings (in general) as he "can't handle the real world" (his words). And why would someone welcome you back after a year just to lose you again? Doesn't make sense to me! Unfortunately, I won't rest until I know that he seriously isn't interested, which at the moment I don't......

  • Plz, knock on that door!!

  • Lol you reckon?

  • Well, I drove to his house but it looked like he had company, so I left it..... until next time...

  • got an answer for everything huh? Though you let the 'looked like he had company' thing get to you... still never knocked on his door, did you?

  • HAhahahaahhaha!!!!

  • I wish I did have an answer for everything, but I wouldn't be here if I did!! No I didn't knock, I mean he could have had anyone in there. I've still got a teeny bit of pride left 😉

  • It's cool that you care about your state of health, I also do it. Besides, in the past one of my relatives had a serious addiction to alcohol. And, in this case, I would like to mention rehab in Birmingham which will help you find out more about the chronological stage of treatment and make an appointment for a consultation. This is really necessary for people who want to be responsible for their health.

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