Is it really over?- Cancer man
We are long distance, been together 27 months and we were engaged, we broke up before 6 months ago but he came back saying he couldn't live without me. I have had a lot of pressures lately in my life and over Christmas and NY I started going out more and socialising (he does it himself so I didn't think it would be a problem) but he became so jealous and insecure, he was draining the life out of me questioning my every move and the arguments lasted for days no matter how understanding I tried to be.
I ended up telling him I couldnt take anymore and cancelled my FB status, he said I had until morning to put it back, but I didn't. I tried talking things through with him but he just got so angry and abusive that I cut contact for 2 days, during this time he tried to contact me but I wasn't very responsive. But I missed him so much and told him I wanted to work things out
He agreed but since then he has been so closed off, he says he is terrified of getting hurt again so I have to tip toe around his moods and anger, My pain doesn't even seem to factor and if I mention that its all one sided, all me trying to fix things he says "Oh its all YOU YOU YOU!" He says he darent even call me baby anymore incase he ends up feeling a fool.
He used to be the sweetest most loving man I could wish for and I was supposed to be moving in April to be with him, we haven't seen each other in months and I asked him to get on a plane and come and sort this out, he said he wants to but he doesn't know if this can be fixed.
Today I finally told him to take some space and only talk to me when he has made a decision. Will he come back? I can't even describe the pain I am in right now, when we were together in person it was the happiest I have ever been in my life but in the beginning I pushed him away a lot and he says he still can't get over the hurt I caused him.
Can anyone give me some advice?
If you want it to be over, then dont do what you say you will do...
I dont understand? I don't want it to be over
I say continue to ignore and cut him off. let him have time to reflect on his actions, swallow this through, think it over...if he REALLY misses you and wants you...trust me, he'll come back crawling. Cancerian men come back when they're still in love and want you, and when they feel you're slipping away, they'll cling, usually. If he doesn't come back, then it's his loss and it just didn't work out...you may say 'I don't understand, because I dont have sufficient information' and that I'm being judgmental and harsh. but I've been there and I've done that - that's the only way he'll come back without you having to nurse his emotions and feelings (they can be soo self absorbed in their pain).
NeptunianDreams last edited by
I agree with victimofcancerian .. If he really likes you.. he will come back.. give it time.. don't sweat over it..
Thank you so much for your pearls of wisdom, they are such a comfort to me.
We spoke last night and there were some very heated words exchanged so we have gone to absolutely no contact. Despite this neither of us deleted each other from our social networking or IMs which strikes me as unusual because when he is truly angry he vanishes.
Everyone who knows him says he absolutely adores the ground I walk on and that he really did want to spend his life with me, when we first split last month he was even contacting my best friend telling her he was breaking down crying at work and having to try and keep himself composed, and that he honestly believed I had moved on and didn't care. He said I deserved a million times better than him and that I'd be better off without him. So I contacted him and said lets work it out but all I was met by is anger. When he finally agreed he didn't want it to be over I tried really hard to convince him we could make it work if we both invested in it and he just dragged his heels, pushed me away and made me suffer. I finally snapped and realised I would get nowhere trying to convince him.
So I agree that I need to stay well away and let him decide what he wants. Whats getting to me is I am suffering terribly right now die to health problems and a family tragedy and I need him more than ever. I am worried that even though I know we love each other, because we havent seen each other in so long, he will move on and really I need him right now more than ever. Sometimes I wonder if he lashes out because he feels helpless.
He was supposed to fly over and visit me this month but now he is saying he cant. I know it would have been the fix we needed, so I am angry firstly that I am having to cope with everything without him and secondly that him not coming over like he said is making me feel like he is willing to let our love die.
I want him to realise how crazy this all is and agree to come and work things out, but I agree my only hopw is to give him space. I'm making sure not to appear visible on my IMs and am not making updates online, I want him to truly see what its like to live without any communication.
I know that right now, all I can do is work on me, and getting back on my feet. I had a reading from Watergirl and she said this is a battle of egos, that he wants the upper hand and I must self nurture, I also think that is very good advice. One minute I feel very strong and tell myself great, I can focus purely on me and just let go, make myself happy, the next I think about all the good times between us (I can't do anything without being reminded of him) and I lose it, I'm just a complete mess. Its very helpful being able to talk about it here and gain some perspective from people who can see the situation from the outside. I'm very grateful for that.
i'm sorry to hear..I know it's difficult and you really need your love to be beside you, but he really needs time to realize that he needs you too...he probably 'knows' it but hasn't realized it yet...it takes time and he needs to think it over and see how his life is different without you in the picture. hang in there...and drop the ego...i always say 'never let your pride interfere with your happiness' it can be such a destructive force sometimes - but it is good when someone is mistreating you, to keep you in check from losing yourself basically.
Having said all that, i really find long distance all too difficult...i guess i haev a negative reaction to it because my parents had one (and they're still together) but life is just too short to waste it being in love with someone who lives miles away...when you can spend every moment (not exactly, but you get my point) with that person.
I understand, a lot of people don't get why we would want to do long distance, but the connection and love between us was so strong that we were desperate to make it happen. I was supposed to be moving there for good two months from now, we went through a lengthy and expensive immigration process to be together.
This is so much harder for me than the average break up, not just because of how much I love him but because I had geared my whole life towards the move, it feels like I'm gonna have to re build my whole world from scratch now, and when I am already going through very painful experiences as it is, it just seems like I have a mountain to climb.
I'm on day two of no contact, he is appearing on his IMs and for some reason is hiding his FB status's from me, they are nothing I couldn't see, just updates about his band, I wonder why he is doing that, maybe because I haven't updated anything.
He joined this band last summer and I felt a bit intimidated because they have an attractive female singer that he spends a lot of time with, he didn't have as much time for me because of the band, he said it wasnt that but just that he was tired of us fighting, but so was I. He tells me not to worry about her because she has a boy friend and is not his type but she has written some flirty stuff on his FB, I made a comment about it and she apologised and deleted them. He gets so jealous of any male in my life, but he finds it a huge hassle if I ever do, he doesn't seem to see that I am really hurting at all, he only thinks about his own pain, every single thing he is upset about I can recall him doing to me at some stage, sometimes worse, I don't know how to get through to him so I stopped trying.
Do you think a Cancer man will stand his ground and not return if he thinks it isn't working even if he loves the woman?
I want him to apologise and show compassion for my hurt too, and agree to do whatever it takes to fix this, he always did in the past, he says he is tired of fighting for me and he always has, and I should have had patience and let him heal and come close in his own time, but I was just having to accept the crumbs off his table, nurse his hurts and handle his aggression with nothing much of the same back, I couldn't do it without losing my confidence so I stopped.
Hmmmm...you're not giving us the full picture frankly.
What caused all this pain? what has he done in the past to make amends? what is the full story here?
It seems the guy is very afraid, insecure, unsure, although he does love you. I think you should try to comfort him but at the same time, address your concerns adn be vocal with them - try to connect them to him, use this technique: This topic matters to me, as it has been bothering me for a while, and I am worried that if it continues, it will leave a heavy burden and cause me to be unhappy in the future, so I'd rather address it right now and solve it today. this approach shows that you're emotionally invested in the long term, you want to work things out with him, you both want to be happy. Tie your needs to the relationship, its general prosperity, you and his happiness...let me know if it works!
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Is it really over?- Cancerman
NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
It is not over at all!
hey thank you for all the replies. my cancer man has been in contact every day. he tells me he still loves me and wants to talk and see if we can work things out but he says he has closed down emotionally. I had some pretty serious abandonment issues in the first year we were dating and I pushed him away a lot. he tells me he is now terrified of getting hurt again. So we agreed to talk, at first I found it hard I accused him of stringing me along or liking someone else, and he closed off even more. now I have relaxed. I find he is most responsive to me when I don't act needy. I asked him if he was just not in to me anymore and he said just the fact that he is still Herr despite feeling emotionallly cripled says more about his feelings than I could ever understand. he says he forgives me but forgetting is harder, that he feels we deserve a chance but also that he can't make any promises because he doesn't know what its gonna take for him to be able to open up again. He says if I can't handle this he will have to be understanding but he would really like more time. He really did used to treat me like a princess there was nothing he wouldn't do to prove his love and his heart was wide open, so I find this very hard. when we fought in the past he would go distant like this for a day or two but then bounce back, this is like an extreme version of that. still, he continues to contact me, he doesn't seem interested in anyone else afterall. I think he is being truthful. I tried leaving him alone in the beginning but that didn't help.
Has anyone else found themselves in a situation like this? what should I do to bring his barriers down again?
if it helps he has a Virgo moon, mercury and Venus in gemini, and mars and rising in Libra.
I am cancer sun moon and mercury, Venus in gemini, and mars and rising in Libra.
I love him so much and I have been doing a lot of work on my issues. I'm even having psychotherapy. I cannot imagine a future without him. I can't forgive myself for messing up the greatest relationship I ever had. I just want to fix this.
Fix yourself instead of him. Hard to fix others end up bad for you. Concentrate on you and fix your issues before involving anyone else in your life then you can love and be loved and all is well. Find something to nurture coz you feel like a nurturer, perhaps nurture yourself? Instead of others.
vircheery last edited by
Ladyunlucky.. find that title should be stated by your CM instead of you ..
i think he is very uncertain of you becos you keep on snapping away ..
hopefully you can realise its not too late to reviving this relationship ..
do not wait till one day when there a damage done which cannot be restore anymore that is far worst than anything by then you will be regret .. CM will literally seeks love else where when he bgin left out at cold for too long..
Hey, We are not back together but we have agreed to start over from the beginning. He says he still loves me but started to feel like nothing he did was enough for me. He's started to contact me a lot more and we have had some good heart to hearts. He says he can't promise what the future holds for us but he believes we are moving in the right dire tion again. I'm taking it slow with him and focusing on therapy for my abandonment issues. i have seen such an improvement since i just calmed down and stopped getting overly emotional with him. you are absolutely right. These changes have to stick or I will lose him forever. Thankfully he didn't start looking elsewhere, he was devastated too. I feel very lucky to have such a loving and loyal guy in my life.
Thank you for the advice
Sorry but are you nuts? Its over. Finished You have done enough damage to the guy that he doesnt want you anymore. Stop stalking him, stop contacting him, stop everything you are doing to him.
excuse me? did you read my post? its him contacting me.
and ps: this is a guy who wouldn't do ANYTHING he didn't want to do. he is initiating the contact and wants to start over from the beginning. HOW, from that did you get that he doesn't want me??