Blmoon, can you give me some advice...



  • SO many typos! Time for bed!



  • Blmoon,

    I get that I can be more aware of what is going on, but I still don't see if or how I could change things. I think what bothers me is that there are things that I think there are thing that should be out in the open, but I'm feel I'm not the one who is supposed to expose them. Like the whole thing with the little sister. It think it would be better for everyone if at least my grandmother (my father's mother), my other closer relatives and friends of my parents would know about it, but it seems my parents just don't want to deal with that. I suspect that many people know anyway, but pretend not to. All my friends know and I feel good about that, not that we talk about it much but at least I don't have to hide it. But for example when the little sister is here, sometimes my grandmother calls in skype to my mother and father and then she just leaves the room because obviously she knows that somehow she is a "secret". I personally think that is just completely messed up, but I also feel that it has to be my father who tells this to his mother, although I do not see that happening any time soon. Another example is that my parents are planning a vacation for the summer and want the whole family to go, but as my cousin and her girlfriend will be there too, I think they won't invite the little sister, because then they would obviously have to explain who she is. I'm not sure what the lesson for me is supposed to be or if I should actually do something different, but I do know that I would not like to spend my whole life pretending that things are different than what they really are.

    Can't wait to close this chapter and get moving, there has been enough introspection I think, I'd like to start DOING something already.

    Love,

    K.



  • You can't change things but you must learn from this that OTHER people can feel familiar and be like your parents and then you find yourself not speaking up or just being too submissive. THAT you can change by being aware of how we tend to repeat with others the dynamics of our relationship with our parents. We react as trained first but in awareness we can learn to recognize what we are doing and make a better choice. I think this visit is really a reinforcement of the changes you made last year. I feel before this visit ends you will speak up about something and cause a little drama but you won't care. And it will not last. I think the lesson is for you to be true to yourself. It's not like you go looking for conflict. But sometimes you do need for the sake of that pain in your neck to speak up and not passively participate in a dysfunction that you do not believe in. Your little secret sister is not just an opinion. Letting others have their opinions is one thing but she is a person with feelings and no doubt suffers some wounds over this situation. If you feel bad about that you need to make it right and reach out to her in loving ways. Speak your truth, it can make a difference to her to hear that you do not find your family's treatment of her acceptable by your standards and apologize for that.You do not need to make it an issue or a cause with you pushing to change everyone's behavior---you just need to behave in a way that is your moral choice. Sometimes by being passive you actually are supporting a behavior. Forget changing them but take responsibility for your own values and do the right thing. Be Karma thoughtful and an adult who makes their own decisions despite what others think. What do you want your sister to know about you? Right now it seems your family keeps a united front. You don't have to argue but you don't have to participate either.There is a middle ground. Having had enough is exactly the energy that gets you past this. I remember seeing your father surprising everyone awhile back


    did that show up? BLESSINGS!



  • Blmoon,

    I get what you are saying, but I don't really think I want to get more involved with this. I have already talked with my mother about how this whole secrecy thing is not a good idea and she agrees but doesn't have a good solution. Anyway, I'm pretty much a stranger to the little sister as we have only met for about 6-7 times. She mostly likes to keep contact with my mom, they get along very well and even now that my father is away they keep in contact and sometimes go out to lunch etc. The thing is that my father is working abroad and is traveling all the time and he plans to do that for at least for a few more years, so he will be here a few weeks in a year I think. I think that is why the little sister likes to keep contact with my mom, she is the next best connection to my father.

    I don't think there has been any surprise. The only thing new is that my father wanted us to go sailing with him for a week in the summer. At first only my mom and my cousin were supposed to go, but now it seems that my sister (older one) will go too with her boyfriend and so now they think that I should go too so it would be a kind of family vacation. I'm not sure I can go, I definitely have to be working by that time and I might not have time. It could be interesting though, the last vacation we had with the whole family was 15 years ago when we actually went to the same place (to the Crete island) where they want to go now, a strange coincidence.

    Love,

    K.



  • It is as if your father wants to recapture that togetherness, even if it is on his terms. Idealy, it would be satisfying if you could say you will consider going if your secret sister gets invited.. But that's just an idea. Right now you DO need to wrap up the lesson before you can move on. Spirit says I can not exactly solve this for you but they can advise you in the right direction. You ARE very good at analyzing things---a problem solver but it does require great solitude. I have a headache right now but can give you their advice real quik. Acknowledge ALL gut feelings by at least writing them down. Any little discomfort or irritation or unspoken questions you have . Journal that. Uncensored, so keep it hidden. Spirit keeps showing me a book called THE ARTIST'S WAY. I saw it yesterday as well. I need to go , if you can not look it up I will get the authors name later. My head is pounding. She wrote a series but that is the first. You will find it helpful right now. BLESSINGS! ps--JULIA CAMERON is her name! Someone gifted me years ago with that book during a similar challenge you are facing. The book is not just for artists. It's for people who have creative temperaments and are trying to succeed despite relationship challenges. It is very encouraging and wise---you will love it.



  • Blmoon,

    I hope your headache has passed and are feeling much better today!

    Thank you for the recommendation. I already started reading the book. I already love it, although I haven't gotten very far yet:) Good timing, I had just been pondering after going out on Friday that why am I so intimidated, kind of jealous but also inspired by very creative people. I first went to the concert of one of my favorite singers here and felt very inspired that someone can be so incredibly talented but also very down to earth and consistently make great music. And afterwards me and my friends went to a sort of a club/bar where I met one actor that I really like, he participates in a lot of different very cool projects, plays in theater, does stand-up comedy and host some shows. Well anyway, I met him only in the sense that one of my friends who knows him presented me to him and we exchanged a few words and that was it. But he has such a great energy that I cannot help but to envy him a bit.

    Love,

    K.



  • As a creator myself, I have always felt you have that quality! As you read the book others you will see that the qualities of creative successful people are not about painting or music or just art genres. Creative thinkers are innovators, problem solvers and have needs that in that book you can relate. It helps you see the gift you have that at times seems like you are negatively different than others because you sense you do not fit in. I know you will see yourself in that book. It even gets into relationship challenges! I'm so glad you got it as it indeed is timely! Good for you. I'm still a little low but feeling better. I hope you got to see that huge golden moon come up! BLESSINGS!

    PS--her books are so popular that many big companies have workshops around her advice. I had a college creative class use her book. I love just reading the inspirational quotes on every page. At the time I first got the book it mostly helped me deal with people who held me back---the crazy makers!



  • Hi Blmoon,

    Hope you starting to get your energy back. Seems like this February is not treating anyone well.

    I must admit that I have never identified myself as a creative person. Maybe because I have thought of creativity in a very narrow sense (creative=artistic), I have done a lot of reading about that in the last year and I understand that it is a wider concept. Still I have had trouble seeing how my (supposed) creativity is manifesting. Although, lately I think that I have discovered some aspects of it. For example, I can see how I enjoy cooking when I just go a bit crazy with it and mix and match things. Or now that I have helped my mother to redecorate the house and though of some decorating solutions to my sister’s new apartment, I really do love that and I have so many ideas flowing through my head, which reminded me how much I have enjoyed decorating my own last few apartments. But these are just nice to have hobbies. As for work, I don’t see yet how to connect the dots. Creative finance after all is not very appreciated☺. Although, now that I have gotten over the phase of actively hating my last jobs, I can see some aspects of that I also liked. And these were mostly related to having the freedom of coming up with new solutions or interpretations, or solving complex problems with my last boss (who I actually quite liked). BUT where do I go from here is still unclear. On some days I feel as if I’m on the verge of solving this puzzle and finally will be able to connect all the dots, but so far it’s still just a bit out of my reach. Today I woke up with a sentence repeating in my mind that “don’t do globally, what you hate doing locally” or something like that. Doesn’t make much sense yet. Funny think is that yesterday I went to a bookstore and stumbled on this Julie Cameron’s book, just one version of the book placed in a long row of random books, I didn’t even immediately realize it was the same book as it was translated and the name was changed a bit. I will finish it today probably, there’s a lot that I like about it but I’m still processing it a bit. I also love reading the quotes.

    Love,

    K.



  • Julia Cameron has a sequel called WALKING IN THIS WORLD.--the practical art of creativity. I should revisit both books myself! My latest dreams seem to be saying I'm having an "identity crisis" right now! I'm as human as you and sometimes we take for granted we have DO have abilities others would appreciate. It sounds like your intuition is saying farther is not always better. I remember my first posts to you saw you as being called to pump up your leadership abilitys and that you lacked self esteem in that area. Mostly that responsibility increases your fear of mistakes. Before I had a position of authority and responsibility I feared mistakes or worse got defensive and nervous if the boss had to criticise something. Often she came rolling through saw something that I could explain but bosses are busy and she would hurry out and I would think too much over it as if I had to defend myself. Later I realized it was no big deal, my boss was just being the boss and at times they leave their posts for a peak at what employees are doing and of course they sometimes walk into your space that one day out of many good days your space is having an off day. I realized that the boss has more things on her mind and doesn't even remember her comment. I learned to just sigh and do not get defensive. If there really is a problem you will be called to her office for a meeting. Once I stopped feeling bad about myself I started moving in leadership positions and once in THAT world I realized how leaders do NOT dwell on mistakes but deal with any damage and move on. They are very creative minded because leadership runs on vision and problem solving and not getting trapped in drama or guilt. I see you as going through a prep time right now for furthering your career options.Learning what you enjoy most and knowing your talents and MOSTLY recognizing the fears that hold you back. For me it was fear of mistakes. But I found in a good organization the leaders or bosses must see mistakes but do not dwell on them or get personal. I think life will bring you some practice in the near future.BLESSINGS!



  • Blmoon,

    I'd say that my biggest fear is not finding the job/organization/purpose I'd really love. Until I can feel excited about what I do, I really can't (or want) to lead anyone else either. I have been supervising other people on some projects in my previous jobs and every once in a while a young enthusiastic person in the beginning of their career asked me how they could develop more in the company and get opportunities to go abroad etc and I gave them some advice, but the truth is that if I'm not motivated myself and my heart is not in it, I can't motivate others either.

    Can be that it meant "farther is not better". Although, I came to the conclusion that the point was that it's more important WHAT I do than WHERE I do it. I have already tried to change the "where" instead of "what" a few times and it didn't really work out, after the initial excitement of being in a new place wears off I have realized that I'm still not where I want to be. And now again, I see the temptation of underestimating the importance of WHAT and focusing on WHERE. Its just that I find it far more easy to imagine all the exciting places where I could live, but figuring out what I should do that would excite me is much more difficult.

    I will see if I can find the sequel. It does seem a kind of book that should be read several times and different sections probably catch your attention depending on what are the issues that most matter to you at the moment. Maybe if you read it again you will find some new ideas that resonate with what you are struggling with at the moment.

    Love,

    K.



  • I wondered about that. If you were concentrating too much on where and I know you seem to get something out of going somewhere new and enjoy the unknown but I also know you have been feeling desperate. I am careful what I say when someone is desperate for work because often I feel as you said that one should follow their bliss rather than focus on money. I get a lot of angry reactions to that sometimes! As if I'm not getting their situation. But personal y I think at some point it is best to be who you are, and find your purpose. It's a reverse situation too for some who want more---the perfect job too early so they ignore a smaller opportunity they feel beneath them when really I can see where the lesser job has something to teach them that will get them to their dream job or purpose. Trust your gut . Since all last year was about knowing yourself and becoming aware of who you are and habits that hold you back, and you did well it seems that you will follow that progression. You really came far in understanding your habits in relationships and now you are taking that farther. You learned a lot about what you don't want! I do know you have a good connection with guidance and that's why I'm fond of you, you really do listen.And you do the work and even when you aren't too sure about change you will consider something even when it is outside your comfort zone. These are great leadership qualities. And people who are successful have these traits. I think you should make note of your self worth. two lists. One with your pluses and one with your minuses. Not as in a bad way but just in a this is who you are way. Obviously, if you need space, a job that puts you in a cramped room with too many people would not work. List what you need to be your best and as well make a dream list. Before I made it as a poet I really spent time with successful people and asked them questions to see if there really is a universal pattern of success---the journey. I did see a pattern. The stories were different but I found that everyone at one point faced failure and a crossroad time of almost giving up. They faced rejection. They faced choosing their bliss over financial security. And at some point once they did their finances got better. As if the universe does reward you when you follow your bliss.I think you just need a little more patience and your guides are very much leading you. Trust your insights----they are very good! Sometimes we do not know our bliss till we get there. Imagine never tasting chocolate and then you do and had no idea there was that bliss! BLESSINGS! PS....Continue to seek out people you admire. Ask them the silly questions that no one talks about.



  • Hi Blmoon,

    It has been a while, I hope things are going well. I wanted to pop in to wish you happy birthday! I hope you will have a lovely day and can take off some time for nurturing yourself.

    Love,

    K.



  • Thank you! I was just thinking of you....but no news is good news ; ). I have been having a testy time but often it is a good place to be just before positive new directions! Hope you are enjoying new adventures your self and feeling less "responsibility" . BLESSINGS!



  • Hi Blmoon,

    Well, actually no news is no news in my case. Still haven't found a job, which is frustrating, but I'm also a bit tired of complaining about it. On the positive side I have been exercising a lot and I feel good about being fit. Also started learning French (again), which at least is a positive distraction and just maybe might come handy some day.

    What do you mean by feeling less responsibility? In what area? I think the main responsibility I feel is getting my life back on track and not having to depend on other people so much. I really do need to feel more self-reliant.

    I hope you did something fun for your birthday and that positive new directions are opening up soon!

    Love,

    K.



  • I meant "responsibility" as in focusing all your energy on getting a job and forgetting to be patient and while waiting ENJOY your life. Which I see you are. You are being busy but not wastefully so....you are enjoying your busy. Often in the past you used other distractions to get you past restlessness.......distractions like men who keep you guessing and people drama. But right now instead of letting no job consume you you are dealing with that lull time of nothing happening to being constructively busy. I'm sure you have your low anxious days about the job thing but mostly you have control of your happiness. You are doing good and growing! I get that you should indeed be more self reliant about restlessness and boredom but navigate your new self towards new relationships....people you admire and are as well self reliant. I think you are doing that naturally just by choosing to be constructively busy.....it is raising your vibration. Spirit says the focus is your self esteem. As more worldly and constructive people cross your path and invite you in....feel you DO belong!. And mastering other languages is such a plus! Wise decision. As it stands right now most public relation jobs require English and Spanish. French is definitely the cherry on top. Education is never a waste. As long as you are surviving you are not failing and you are not running away. This phase of your life was and is still in progress and all about awareness and growing. Change is not easy, but you have done the work. I see that you are past the half way mark and the last phase will be relationships and networking. New people will be entering your life and it may feel awkward at first but ignore that as it will be new.....in a good way. You want to be around the people you wish to be....but in your own special way, sharing successful habits. You have a gift for discipline but in the past had no where to let it shine, to be appreciated. This is about to change. What led you astray in the past was a false sense of responsibility. It landed you with people who were irresponsible. Discipline and self esteem is your power right now and it really is taking you to were you need to be. BLESSINGS!



  • Hi Blmoon,

    I'm not sure how to navigate myself towards new relationships, though. The logical way would be through a new job, but that has not worked out so far. My social circle here is quite closed, my friends mostly prefer to have dinners at someone's place rather than go out somewhere, so I don't naturally meet many new people. I also live one a quite tight budget at the moment so I don't go out to party too much any more either.

    I see the discipline as something that gives me at least some sense of control over some areas of my life, so it keeps me more grounded. And of course there are low anxious days, but thankfully less then I have expected.

    Love,

    K.



  • You are in-between letting go and moving ahead into new relationships....this is expected. You keep your lone self busy during this phase and that is how it works. You close a door not knowing what's behind the next.....that is why not everyone easily makes a needed change. You will connect with others who are productive and love to learn by you following your interests. During my same phase you are in...I was in my late thirties through early forties and I socialized a lot but not the mindless partying of early years. I went through a transition period of being busy alone but out there among people....I joined dance......took classes....played music and did not at first make close relationships. I went to college without focus on a degree and just followed my interests. At some point I realized my not connecting deeply with another was part MY issue.....I loved interesting people but I realized I had a fear of getting too close and facing heartbreak or rejection....or what, as really I did not know what I feared, I just became aware how I pulled back. It took a loving wise older woman who did not let me pull away, and she opened a door to her world...which was always growing and full of possibility. I learned how to relax and try things. I met people through many ways and sometimes found myself with people I did not belong but it brought me closer to spotting my kind. I even made friends with people who DID hurt me.....but I got over it and learned how to spot those too.I was not using my psychic skills so much then as emotions still dominated. Then important people did slowly come into my life and once my kind connected my life truly went into fast forward and it's as if I was in a flow that felt destined. Do what you enjoy. Make personal goals and feel good about achievement. Keep joining others and do not expect to get a hit every time. Look up meet up .com groups in your area. Take a class. And if you find yourself in a group you do not like......take mental notes of why you felt not at home. I was seduced now and then by a group I thought looked shiny on the outside but learned a lot when my gut started feeling not so good about them. I learned it is important to have values that are sturdy. I felt bad about my choice yet it allowed me to get my priorities defined. THEN the real relationships came. I found that spiritual intention is important to me and in all walks of life those are my people. I also learned you can't be wishy washy about keeping company with those who can compromise your reputation. I do not mean this in a closed minded judgmental way. Do some fun and zany stuff that costs nothing or very little. Check the bookstore boards for invites to interesting groups. Or check the college calenders....they have plays and concerts and as well interesting group meetups. Some will be duds, some weird, some fun. Just persist. BLESSINGS!



  • Hi Blmoon,

    I can't say that I have been socializing much or joining any new groups, I had a few ideas but these would still cost more than I can afford at the moment. BUT I did go to a job interview today. I kind of decided on a whim to apply to one organization in my own country. I didn't even think that I would particularly like the job, as its not as big of a change as I wanted to make, but as I did some more research, it seems that it might have some benefits. They work on some very high level projects on EU level, so that might work out for me, as I want a more international job. Anyway, they are interviewing 6 people and 3 will get to the next round in a few weeks. I have a feeling that the HR person was very impressed with me, she said that I have a great CV and she even asked me if I would also consider working in other areas in their organization. The other person was the leader of the division I was applying to and she was a bit hard to read. She said that her main criteria for choosing a person to her team was compatibility with other team members, as it is a rather small team. She definitely thinks I'm more than competent for the position but I'm not sure if she will pick me. Any thoughts on that?

    I can't help but have mixed feelings about the possibility of staying here. I feel like I have put a lot of effort in doing everything to go somewhere abroad again, but it just hasn't worked out. Should I put that dream aside for now? Or do I just need a different strategy?

    Love,

    K.



  • How are you?!



  • Hi Blmoon,

    Well, I haven't heard anything back from the company I had the interview with, so I'm not too optimistic. I will apply to a few other places here, but in the summer everything is moving extra slow. I'm pretty stressed out about this situation, it's been a year now since I left Mexico and honestly I never imagined that it will take so long to find a new job, had I known that, maybe I would have been more cautious. I'm really not sure anymore that anything good will come out all of this, I think I just need to stop dreaming for now and take whatever job I can, I'm at the end of my rope with this situation. Sorry for whining but it is what it is.

    I hope that your wheel is finally going up after all the heath issues.

    Love,

    K.