Need Scorpio Man Thoughts
Maybe this is more of a venting post - I posted my story a few weeks back...Dating a Scorpio guy (11/3) Merc: Scorpio, Mars: Sagittarius, Venus: Libra) I'm a Cancer (7/7) Merc: Cancer, Venus: Cancer, Mars: Virgo). Done my reading on Scorpios and find him to be very similar to his sign's characteristics, and I am very similar to my own. The chemistry between us is staggering. There seems to be an unspoken bond, or understanding between us. We have awesome talks, tons of affection, and even though we both struggle with stress and day to day sensitivity to emotion, we are at peace when we are together. I am highly sensitive to all emotion, and he is too, but you'll NEVER see it. I have to talk things to death (I know, annoying)
He has had a really bad few years, lots of physical and emotional pain (horriffic car accident/life loss)and he's basically starting his life over right now. I of course want to help him through the rough patches and see him happy again. I've known him for 3 months but we both feel like it's been forever. When we are together, I see the pain leave his eyes and I feel him relax. He doesn't smother me with romantic banter. When he does choose to let me in, or to be expressive, it knocks me off my feet. There is no boredom here - but I can't help but feel like he doesn't quite trust me yet.
I've read that Scorpios are mysterious, secretive, and deeply emotional, but that their actions speak louder than their words. Is this true? So far it doesn't feel like he's playing any games - his actions have been so sweet. I know when a Scorpio does fall, they fall hard. I'm beginning to see a few signs of protectiveness, tons of concern for my day to day well being, etc. I know there are deep feelings for me, but there aren't always words - whereas, I'm all about expressing what is on my mind, being a little romantic and making sure my feelings are known right when they are there in my mind/heart.
His actions speak volumes. Tender, physical affection, the gazes, the tones of voice, the amount of time we spend together, we laugh together like crazy, and I thrive on our deep but sometimes cryptic converstations. The past 3 weeks we've spent much more time together and I feel like we are more of a partnership than ever. I guess I'm just sensitive to the times he gets quiet. He went on an unexpected snowmobiling trip with his brother this weekend and I know I won't hear from him much. He does need this time away and I fully support that. I know he's struggling with a lot in his life right now, and I WANT to be there for him for it. When he needs space, I want to give it to him. He's battling with his feelings for me right now, a fear of losing control of his emotions, I know it and I see it.
How is the best way to handle him? Do I completely back off and be silent when he's quiet, or do I send him gentle reminders that I am here for him? I do not want to scare him off, but I tend to overanalyze everything and want to nuture this connection with him. He's told mutual friends of our that he can't believe we met when we did, and that he needs me now, that he needs a woman with my heart and personality in his life, he's never had this before - Of course he tells this to our friend, and not to me. Thoughts anyone? Thanks....
I so know your pain! Reread your own post----it's all about him. As if you can not trust HIM to preserve--work at ---nurture--fight for the relationship. You are doing all the worry and work. You have taken on all the responsability---sensing all his needs--his moods--pretty much communicating For him. That's not saying that that's wrong---relationships are a balance and each is unique and if it his his nature to not communicate well but leave it up to you to do that you have to be aware of what you can live with as I don't think you are getting your needs met. In a nutshell, as it stands the energy I get is that you need him more than he needs you---even if he does lie to himself the point is he is capable of turning it on and off and THAT is the part that leaves you never feeling safe enough to just be you---you start censuring yourself to meet his needs out of fear and that after awhile steals your power. Scorpios are magnetic--yummy people in general. You can't just trust the vibe between you when together---there has to be more. You know what committment looks like----there's a lot of yucky stuff that relationships must be strong enough to wether. It's like the difference between the romantic feely all emotion stage and the reality stage of actually being partners---arguing about bills---having a bad day and being crabby----saying what's really on your mind knowing he can take it because he loves you as much as you love him--you need each other--that's the bottom line--you have to each conciously need and fight for your relationship equally. I have been with a scorpio over 40 years and my best friends are usualy scorps and I had 2 scorpio sons. They are my favourite people and they do demand independance and abhor weakness in others. The evolved ones are very loyal but expect you to deal with the small stuff and when they are intensly involved with other things they can be very obliviouse and selabsorbed to all else. It really takes an independant woman to not feel neglected when they are "busy". My advice is to trust that he either needs you or not and live your life and stop micro managing the relationship--let it show it's truth---let it be tested. I think you love this man so much you are fearful of losing him and that is were women start losing there power as you start missing parts of your own life--put things on hold---make desicions with the intention of keeping him and that is work---I just keep hearing spirit say--she's working so hard! On a positive note you seem to have a good head to balance your heart---you are capable of standing back far enought to see your nature and analize. BUT scorpios can test even the most logical lovers as they have that kind of intense magnetism. They are usually wildly independant---absolutely hate being told what to do---are very guarded with their heart BUT heer's the secret contradiction----if they are wrong they absolutely expect a mate to be strong enough to stand up to them. In fact the mates who complain most about that famouse scorpio sting are the ones who have played doormat and a scorpio if they feel someone is being too weak will poke the bear---they react to weakness by bringing it to the light---they feel a wishy washy person with no backbone has it coming---it's their way of encouraging others to stand tall. It's a bad cycle once a couple gets in that toxic place were the more one gives too much the less the scorpio respects them and behaives even worse as if saying please stop me--don't you have boundries? It upsets their need for security if their mate does not have a strong sword to carry. Scorpios are aware they have such intense passion that they fear being out of control--they may not act like it but they do often get overwhelmed by their own intensity and fearlessness when emotions are triggered. They fear being under control and know in love they are vulnerable----that's why trust is so important to them so often early in the relationship scorpios do a lot of testing--I believe that's what your feeling---as if you are being tested and you want to pass. Best advice for dealing with scorpios is HONESTY--good or bad they can take it. In fact they are drawn to honesty so never censure your truth. They know it and as I said they will poke it out of you and lose respect. The other advice is to be fiercely independant---never burdon them with making them your whole life--they will either run or toture you for it. When a scorpio gets passionately involved with a project you need to have something equally important in your life to be busy with and yes give them space. BUT you also must be secure enough he needs you to call him on it when he does take TOO much for granted--if it's true he will get it as long as YOU stand firm. It's always best to speak up rather than play games or manipulate them---manipulating a scorpio usually backfires--they know when it's not real. Most woman go wrong when they try making a scorpio jelouse on purpose to get a reaction from them when they feel their scorpio is beingt too distantly cool---and are horrified at the cruelty that gets unleashed--and their scorpio not only stings them ruthlessly but never returns. The honest way--the truth they respect is when their woman is so independant and a good catch that they know she is out in the world being her best self and other men will be seeing what he sees and he knows he needs to treat her right when she says to him---I need some extra attention right now. Scorpios expect complete loyalty and can be possessive. The younger ones often look for that without EARNING it--so many younger men have to learn better--mature as they can be controling out of fear---the relationship is too much contradiction as they feel like even though by manipulating their mate they will ease their fear of her betraying himYET they can't deny their need to respect a mates strong sense of self. I get that your scorpio is at that very crossroads---he is being offered a change but can't quite give up the fear. You are right in sensing that. And truth is---you cannot do this for him---it is HIS choice to make---you have to let him make the effort to change. Young scorpios are often victim of their own power to dominate and get their way. Sometimes they need not to get thier impulsive way and that's really what they look for in a mate. Honesty honesty and strength. They feel secure with a woman who will not just codle them but will help protect them from themselves when they need to stop going down a wrong road. This often shows up as lots of life problems---money--legal---dramas. A good mate helps them see the difference between bad luck and bad choices. He's either ready for that or not. If you honestly see him making bad choices--his arguments will very very persuasive--they are the best at that! Keep your truth and express your fears and needs and when your needs are ignored he needs to know that you will not go without but will take care of yourself. I do not rely on my scorpio for many things
no he is not into deep conversations about feelings---he hates many things and situations I love ----I have friends to fill the missing places. When I was young I suffered needlessly expecting him to be all I needed. If they truelly love you they will be there when it truelly counts. My advice is he is ready for that shift in maturety and bravery---to be vulnerable and to trust a woman just might really have his back even if she has to kick him now and then into the right direction. Show more independance and less coddling. Do not let him make excuses for anything your gut tells you is another truth. Do less work--and let him need you more. Mostly, avoid the ego taking over. Only say what you realy mean. AND when you know your right and they have a tantrum---scorpios can be scary! But honesty always brings them back---give them room when they are having a tantrum---give them ALL the room they need---they mostly just need to cool off. That's why scorpio mates need to be strong---to deal with the intensity of their energy----it can either rock your world or burn down your house. They are not for the weak! BLESSINGS
Thanks Blmoon! Being a cancer I am such a nuturer. I see pain in anyone (not just men) and I will bend over backwards to help. This guy has been let down so many times and his foundations have been rattled more than once. We do connect on more levels than that mysterious "connection" I feel. Our spiritual faiths align, we handle issues fairly quickly, we problem solve together very well - so while I'm not pinning my hopes on a "till death do us part" life with him, family and relationships are important to me, and I do see healthy morals and foundations in him. But YOU are right - enough coddling. He is dying for a true partner and I know he sees it in me. He does need to work through many things - and I am still just far anough away to not let it kill me when he goes moody and silent - It's like I'm dealing with 2 people - one who is craving the bond we have, craving the surrender of his heart to someone that will take care of it, and one that is fighting it tooth and nail.
It's because of these struggles I see in him that I want to help - whether it be as a silent partner one day, to a loving yet constructive partner the next. The 'coddling' comes from the desire to let him see that I am not someone that's going to leave him high and dry. I want him to see that I am indeed loyal and trustworthy, because I AM. I don't want to make him jealous at all, but I do enjoy many of my own activities and friends - I don't want to pull a silent treatment/disappearing act on him either, to make him "see what he may lose". See where I struggle?
You are as strong minded as I picked up---you do know how to make sense of things. I get your delima---you do not want to manipulate but are aware of an unbalance of power. That's your healthy side getting that----loss of power manifests in many way--it can drive people to manipulate--be controlling but a good intuition says no I really don't want that---you want more of a balance and evidence that he is willing to be as brave as you in the vulnerability deptartment or you will lose respect for yourself and you can't change your nature to nurture--you manage it wisely---with a head to protect the heart from taking over. I'm glad you see that----nurture is my nature as well and in my scorpio relationship I balance that same issue of knowing when to not give too much. Trust yourself and always choose some distance for prospective. Give him room to grow but be clear and committed to your boundries and needs. You are ready but it's really his choice---that's like letting go but you can't avoid that test. He has to apreciate what you are offering him---to take that risk. Expect to feel tested. And you get it--no you can't pull a silent act on purpose--unless he does do something jerky---the silence must be natural---in being genuily busy when you feel you need some distance and perspective and yes time for him to miss you---there's nothing wrong in that. I go through times when my scorpio takes too much for granted---some happy distance does refresh things----sometimes a man--any man needs to see his woman from a distance to apreciate her all over again.
This is only a quick response because I'm running late for work, but I'm finding this a very good read as I've very recently split from my quite simply...brilliant cancerian girl. I'm a Scorpio and find much of what you say to be true, the harmony and bond seems to be telepathic!
I'll try and give you a more helpful response when I get home, I'm also seeking some advice on how to get back with my ex and if it could actually work if you could assist me?
Blmoon - Thank you so much - You get what I am trying to say. And I thought Cancers had a shell - This Scorp's shell is so tough and I feel a mushy, scared little guy inside. In our moments of complete openness, I see worlds of sensitivity and acute alignment with his own feelings - and a capacity to love and nuture as well. I have given him a lot so far - I've crocheted him a stocking cap (which I LOVE to do anyway), and we spend a lot of time together, I've given him advice, and I have called him out on a few iffy decisions, attitudes - I've stood up to him and looked him straight in the eye - He knows I'm strong.
He had custody of his daughter over NYE and just the three of us (I'd never met her) spent the weekend together. I was honored and flattered to be included in that circle. He truly is amazing and I don't want to hurt him, he doesn't deserve any more hurt. He keeps telling me to be patient, that I don't know "enough" about him yet - and sometimes when he thinks I can't hear him, he says little things like "I know what I have in you" and "you're mine". I went on a work trip to Mexico last week, and we stayed in touch over text. When I got home we got together with friends, and he ever so casually inquired about other guys down there....Like I had the DESIRE to meet anyone else!! LOL...I of course had to reassure him a few times....
Hi MrScorp! Thanks for replying - Absolutely would LOVE to hear your thoughts as a Scorp man, and I would love to hear the story of you and your Cancer girl - I'll check back later today!
Awesome! I'm on my lunch break now, so pushed for time again! I should be able to give you a proper response at about 7 tonight, not sure what time that would make it for you, but it's about 5 and a half hours.
Sounds good MrScorp! See you then.
Well, i've just read your opening post again Beary and it's actually very nice to read, slightly sad because of my current predicament but it's lovely to read all the same.
When he goes quiet I'd say the best thing you could do is accept that he will from time to time do this, but if you show some understanding of his mood swings and quiet behaviour and just be there for him then when he comes round he'll fall further for you. That might sound daunting but it's a world of extremes with this sign but yours has all the qualities to deal with it. Also Cancers get crabby and moody which you'll be aware of, so you'll be fine on this subject as he should be patient with you too. One thing to do is not question the mood's unless they go on for 2-3 days or so, which would imply an underlying problem perhaps.
By not questioning, your showing understanding and being understood is one of the hardest things for us to deal with. It really is.
The occasional reminder that your there for him would be good, but overdoing it would push him away because suspicion would kick in as to why your being overly affectionate...done something wrong, so feeling guilty etc...
The possessive nature can be overpowering to some, just take it easy on this front and don't see it as "YOU ARE MINE NOW...I OWN YOU!" It can come accross this way to some but it's all for love and nothing harmful or sinister. We want to love and be loved, loose ourselves in a relationship almost! The fact that he spends some time on his own is a really good thing because too much time together is potentially fatal, I have learned this!
You recieved an early reply!
Thanks Scorp! I now am at work - are you in the UK? Your time frame and your writing style remind me of a friend I have in the UK. I do appreciate your thoughts. It helps to get a man's perspective. Especially a Scorpio - now I feel like I need to ask you EVERY question I have about this guy! Currently my guy is on a snowmobiling trip with about 5 guys up North and in very limited cell range. Plus he forgot his cell charger at home and can never find the right one to purchase up North, so his phone is also probably dead. Ugh. Not sure exactly when he'll be back, but it should be today or tomorrow. So I haven't been able to chat with him since Friday. I struggle with the quietness. Since I am normally very expressive, I feel that others should be too - so why doesn't he always WANT to talk to me, cuz I always want to talk to him! (hypothetical) I know that's obviously not the right attitude to have, but when the needy part of me rears it's head, those are the things I think. I know that you guys value your freedom, and from my guy's past, I know he hasn't had a lot of freedom, so I do support him, but you know how when you first are getting to know someone you can't seem to get enough? This is a learning process. My past 2 relationships were with Pisces that had a tendency to be as clingy as me - something I soaked up - so this is a change of events for me!
I don't mind the "You're Mine" comments. I am able to read into that - He may never say "I Love You", and I don't want him to unless he means it, but I do interpret his statements as expressions of deep feeling. He's just that type - and I'm flattered by it. I just hope it's true.
Tell me about your situation?
No problem, talking about all of this i think helps me with my current feelings, even though im not talking about them...well, yet...
Yes, I am an Englishmen! I didn't actually look at your timeline, but i had to specify mine when i registered and the default was the pacific mean time. (I think it's called...typicall ignorant English eh! )
I just want to say to Blmoon, that reading your post's did really strike a chord with me and i felt some immediate relation to it. It's very hard being a scorpio sometimes, and others it's very nice and rewarding. 40 years with one! It scares me sometimes to think if i reach 40 that i wont have gone insane!
Ask away Beary, I want to help.
My immediate advice to give on the no contact situation is to stop panicking. Very easy to say i know and it is very hard to do, but a strong woman is what we'd like, and not someone who would get upset easily, it's nice to have been missed and thought about but we perciecve it as being 'weak' if someone can't keep themseleves occupied
One thing that did annoy me about my ex was her need to help everyone. That doesnt sound nice, but when this person who is in need has made a lot of mistakes before or has had your help more than once, i see it as a waste of time, and when i'm being made to wait or i'm being put out somehow it just rumbles away in my stomach. This is where the posessiveness comes in, i want her to put me first and make sure i'm ok. It's bad, but it's a flaw and we all have them.
He'll be back before you know it, you should find things to do so you can talk about what you got up to while he was gone so he's not just talking about how he got on. A big, slightly longer than normal hug would be a good welcome too, just dont go overboard on the 'i missed you'
I feel like im instructing you on how to do things, and i should stop that, it's your relationship and you need to know your other half and find him out for yourself. Take what i said, as hints.
With the talking side of things, i usually found that i wanted to just retire to me and my ex's own private place and just be quiet for a while and relax. My day's are usually quite full on and knowing that there's someone you can just cool off with is really nice. Use the bond of magical, telepathical, psychic togetherness! Just dip your foot in the water every now and again with conversation, if it's going well then carry on, but don't be scared about it, be honest like Blmoon said, this is KEY! Be open and upfront, he'll see you confiding in him as a real sign that you like him and trust him. Personal things are exactly that and if he's a good man he will not tell anyone and it will be between you. My girlfriend told me personal things and all i wanted to do was make them better, i'd move mountains to do so!
Well...when you can't get enough, you cancer's do seem to dive in and love someone very quickly and it's so sweet, me and my ex were exactly the same, just try and be patient with it, you don't want this stage to be over quickly, keep it fresh by doing your own thing too.
His statements are genuine, because basically he wouldnt've said them if they weren't. It's all part of the process of letting someone in. My ex told me that when we first started going out, i didn't fully trust her and often wouldn't offer to pay for the cinema or a meal etc... but i was trying to see if she was worthy enough for me to fall for her, because as said before, we fall hard. Once again, it's all for what I seem, and no doubt all other Scorpio's seem to be the right thing.
My situation is best found on another topic, i started in this section a few day's ago. I'd love to hear your thoughts too.
Here's the link... http://www.tarot.com/forum/topic.php?id=16832&replies=9
If that doesn't work its called 'This Particular Scorpio & Cancer Relationship'
Thanks again for the advice, and no, I don't perceive your thoughts as instruction, no worries, I do value them alot! I will certainly give them alot of weight. I have never been anything but honest with my guy. We have both told each other we are "open books", yet we don't ask many questions - I don't, mainly because I know of the pain in his past and I don't want to push into any guarded secrets or make him uncomfortable. He has asked me a few here and there, which I've answered happily, but in one little "discussion" we've had, he said, "You never tell me anything!". Well, trust me, I would tell him ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he wanted to know, if he asked, otherwise, I'm not a blurter, I can't sit there and talk ON AND ON about myself...I feel that that's superficial and a waste of someone else's time unless they truly want to know. It's not because I have anything to hide. Some of life's best lessons can be learned from someone who's been through it - whether it be skydiving or divorce, etc. So I am ALL for chatting - AND I am all for just being together in silence. That it one of the best feelings, not having to say anything at all, just being together. I feel we have that connection for sure.
I do enjoy many things - crafts, darts, movies, family, friends, activities, etc. So it's not as if I am bored at all. He knows that while he or I am away I am happily doing other things, for sure. I just have a mind that works a mile a minute and I am able to see everything from every angle - a true diplomat - and I sometimes have 2 devils on one shoulder whispering doubts, and just one angel reminding me of the good things he's said and done for me. UGH! Trust me, once I feel a true partnership and even ground, all these little naggy doubts/clingy stuff goes away. This is all part of me being "pulled" out my astrological shell, so to speak - trying to eliminate all doubt before jumping in, while not sabotaging the connection.
Let me take a look at your post - doing this in between work projects - one thing at a time they say!
I feel nothing but total endearment to you Beary! It's such a mental game that water signs seem to play.
Don't be afraid to step on his toes, if you do and you notice it, then just retreat slightly. I sometimes want to kick myself for not being more open with my ex! You sound like your doing a really good job by the way, my mind works overtime all the time as well and it sounds like his does too. All part of being one of these signs I guess, over thinking some of the time and putting too much thought into things. I was constantly 'scared' to speak my mind through fear of upsetting my fragile and sensitive ex-girlfriend. I say scared because I don't actually know what it was that prevented me from being myself! And myself was all she wanted!
It really does sound like you have nothing to worry about, these stages of letting someone in should be cherished I think, because they are the starting point of relationships and you'll no doubt remember them forever. When my ex told me about 'testing her' before I fell. I felt, so close to her because she noticed this change in me and it was because I let my guard down because i knew she was worth it.
Hello again! My apologies on the lateness of this reply - I got buried at work toward the end of the day and I HAD to nap when I got home - Had a massive headache. I realize that you are probably asleep so you'll see this in the morning.
I read through your post and Captain's reply, as well as the statements you've made about your relationship in response to my situation. Your ex does sound a lot like a Cancer! You were together for 2 years, you didn't live together (which isn't necessary, in my opinion, at that point) The underlying feeling I am getting from you is that she never really saw your true self. How much time did you spend together on average? Do you feel that you saw her hopes and dreams? Her faults, (aside of the giving/helping aspect, I'm afraid that's a very heavy part of a Cancer's spirit) her skeletons, etc? Did she see all of yours? Did you ever go through a major life trauma together? (loss of a family member, job loss, etc)
I ask these because above all in a partner, I value vulnerability. I am thoroughly honored when someone feels strong enough to show me their weaknesses. Don't get me wrong, I admire so many other characteristics as well, but the ONE thing that will certainly pull me out of my shell and strengthen the bond is when a partner shows me that they are not afraid to let me see that they are human, to let me see the "skeletons", As you mentioned in your other post to me, talking about the "personal stuff", made you want to make it all better for her. That's EXACTLY how I see things. Did you ever truly let her in that way, so she could want to make it all better for you?
I am talking a lot about myself right now, but this is how I'm trying to relate to her. I've felt my heart just soar with admiration when my guy even just gave me a LITTLE insight into his troubled past and his current stress. When I met him, I really had to steel my heart - I felt this instant connection to him, but I wasn't "looking" for anyone. I held him at arms length for a LONG time. He pursued and texted and we saw each other all the time....all it took was one night of him letting me in just a little to what was a nightmarish part of his life, for me to drop all guard and realize that he was trying to bring me into his life, that he trusted me with his pain somewhat. I ADORED THAT. While you, as a Scorpio, truly felt like you let her in, and I'm sure you did, my question is, was it enough?
We certainly do fancy romance, not necessarily the roses and candles hoopla all the time, but to me romance is the thoughts brought into words, something that not all folks (especially men?) are good at. But the little things - like a little note here or there, a game of 20 questions with a glass or 2 of wine, one little flower, or doing something that you HATE doing, just for her - shopping perhaps? But even more so, letting her in on some random thought that you would have normally kept to yourself. I'll explain why later.
We aren't as "sensitive" as you think. I believe that many Cancers, because of their desire to help others and nurture, are capable of being well rounded and open minded to different opinions and points of view (hence why I came to a website soliciting information and opinions from strangers) Unfortunately, we are also fiercely protective of our loved ones - when I read about how her "helpful nature" bothered you at times, for the reasons you stated - I can TOTALLY see your point of view. I see it from your point of view when it comes to someone I'm not directly close to - why keep helping someone that won't help themselves...But if you get in the way of one of my dear friends, or family members, watch out. No matter how many mistakes they have made, I will stand up for them - diplomatically of course! I don't know the details of your particular situation, but I can completely understand your frustration with it - just try to admire her loyalty, and see it as something that she would do for you as well, even tenfold!
So, my questions for you are these - I'm sure you're still thinking about her 24-7 (when you're not writing on Tarot.com, LOL). Have any of your opinions on the circumstances changed? It sounds like you've done some reflecting on yourself and errors you think you have made. Do you ultimately want her back? It sounds like you'll be seeing her again soon?
The reason why I asked about letting her in on a random thought is this. You mentioned to me that you don't think I have anything to worry about with my guy. We have such a great time together - I haven't laughed as much with anyone in my life to date. The other night, before he left town, we bundled up and went outside and just wallowed in the new snow (we got 6 inches of snow the other night) Then later, we both jumped into the snow on my friends balcony in bare feet. (Ouch) Again, being a Scorpio, he isn't outwardly mushy - but he took that one moment to hug me and tell me just how much fun he has with me, and thanked me. WOW. Another time, as I mentioned before, in the middle of another conversation, he just says, "I know you have no say in this, but I think you should know that you're mine." In a lighthearted tone, of course, but the meaning was felt all the same. When he chooses to let me in, or express his feelings, it's never subtle. It knocks me off my feet. It's creative and well timed and clever. (What I am struggling with is if it's true or not, but you and others have you've told me it is!) When I met him, he was shy, reserved, and didn't talk unless spoken to. Over the past 3 months I feel like while there is still a guarded Scoprio in the mix, we've come a long way - I worry that in 2 years for you, you still feel as if she hasn't seen your true colors. While you feel that you were open with her, like I mentioned above, maybe it wasn't enough? I say that because based on the "actions", of my guy - the affection, the humor, the dedication to seeing me often, etc. - In my mind, I believe he acts as though I am his, a future partner - potentially life long - BUT I don't know that, we haven't talked specifically about it. He talks of road trips, and a vacation house someday, but then he clams up for a few days. He behaves as if we've been together for years (sometimes), yet, he hasn't expressed those words to me. Maybe this whole time you've felt so dearly in love with your girl, but she hasn't been sure of your intentions, fully?
Ok, I rambled enough. I hope I didn't burn your eyes out with all this text. I am an open book so ask any question you want - maybe we should exchange emails or Facebook names or something so this thread doesn't get forever long? I don't know if there is a safe way to do that.... Anywho, let me know your thoughts!
Hello! That's ok. No problem, it's a good thing to be busy!
I think your right about her not seeing the true me. It takes me a very long time to be completely open with anyone, i'm terrified of being ridiculed or laughed at, and I'm hurt so easily too. If someone commented about something I had done, there's a good chance I wouldn't do it again even if I liked to do it.
The stupid thing, is that she wouldn't have done any of that, she wanted me to do more things, but i was scared to suggest them out of this fear I have.
On average we would spend 2-3 evenings together a week and most weekends together (Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday evening, then all Sunday if she wasn't revising)
I knew what she wanted to do with a lot of her life, I knew where she wanted to go and visit, what career she wanted and the whole house, marriage and kids subject. I liked all of that and I was very supportive to her, I tried to give her the confidence to go and get what she wanted.
I knew her faults and I took them all into consideration, sometimes arguments happened out of my frustration because some of them I felt she could overcome with my help but she was unwilling to try. However, I never forced the issue, I knew these were her problems and I wouldn't like someone forcing me to do something I didnt want to. I understand the wanting to help side, she wants to base her career around it, it just annoyed me the odd time. I usually found it to be a quality of her's to be honest.
She told me about her past mistakes and some of the things she was ashamed about, I got quite upset about some of the guys she'd been with, but partly because they are not worth a second of her time and also in ashamed to say it worried me and I did get jealous. I told her that it bothered me and she said that she'd like some space for a while, as I came across to be needy. This was after we were together for 9 months. After a few days, maybe a week, we were fine again, but maybe this was a permanent scar or one that would take some healing?
Onto my skeletons and the thing is...I don't actually have any.
I can't recall of any real mistakes I'd made, I didn't sleep around before we got together because it has to mean something for me, sex without the passion and connection would be uninteresting for me.
She knew that i had my hang ups. Like my shyness and introverted personality, but maybe this is the root cause of the problem...I don't have much life experience. Infact, she was my first serious relationship! Inexperience springs to mind then maybe?
Not having much of a history doesn't make me any better or any worse of a person though, just maybe not rounded enough? If inexperience is the main problem here, then I'll be pretty gutted because it's not something that i can change straight away, it seems like I'll have to go away and live my life without her.
Oh...the random thoughts I'd normally keep to myself. I did keep them to myself because of fear of humiliation.
I am dearly in love with her. I can't really fault her, apart from the shutting down she had decided to do, without saying anything to me. Maybe I would have been completely open with her then, it's very true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
Yes, I have done a lot of reflecting and I feel like I have learned a lot during this time, I am seeing her sometime this week, maybe tomorrow or thursday to collect my things I bought for 'our house' I don't know if it's right to start asking for us to try again? Once a write off, always a write off is the rule isn't it?
I feel like i'm tripping over my words now as I've been putting this together on and off all day at work!
It must be very long by now! My eyes are still fully intact, a little sore as I did shed a few tears earlier! If I haven't answered any of the above I apologise, ask again if you like, my head is just a bit all over the place right now.
I'm an open book too, so ask away. It's very good to talk about all this, so thank you. Maybe an exchange of e-mails would be good, because I fear the girl in question might stumble across this one day!
I'm thinking the same thing about the stumbling across - and I've had a major change in my situation as of this morning that I am really struggling to maintain my temper with right now. Why don't you shoot me an email at
Sorry Beary, I felt like I neglected a key issue somewhat.
This is the issue of her not feeling like she can be herself when she's out. Let her hair down etc...she said to me that she's only 30 and feels like she's twice that! This is my controlling self that does it, and because alcohol doesn't seem to have much of an effect, i don't know what to do?! Any thoughts on that?
I've been thinking about that issue as well, as your original post talked about that. I'm still trying to decipher her thoughts on that. How is she when you are alone at home?
I tried to send you an email just then, but im out at the moment and my iphone doesnt want to email apparently! I'll be home in 30 minutes, so you can email me about your current predicament now if you want.
Ok, sorry I don't want to push you on that one. I feel horrible about it though.
When were at home, she is much more relaxed and I'd like to think she is herself. Sometimes acts a bit crazy, doing stupid dances around and laughing, which I love her to do because she's happy doing it, but if I were to do that, she'd probably cringe!
You are too funny. You are not pushing me at all - I just wanted you to know that I hadn't forgotten that point, but that I was still noodling it around. Something like that isn't necessarily related to her sign - moreso her perception of herself. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes to think about what would prompt me to behave that way. Shoot me an email when you get home, I'll fill you in on what happened to me this morning! HA!