Mother Daughter Relationship Nightmare

  • Hello all, I am new to this so forgive me if I am going about this the wrong way or something, but I was hoping someone could offer advice on my relationship with my mother. There is a long long long long history of anger and bitterness between us. As a teen life in my house was BAD. Now I am 27 years old and I live on my own. I try to avoid speaking to my mother as much as I can without severing the relationship completely. However, whenever I talk to her I end up walking away feeling down and depressed. It would be hard for me to give ALL the details here, but here is an overview. My mother is an alocholic and she can become very VERY vocal about her opinions, abusive and even agressive if you dare cross her or express an opinion that she does not jive with. She does not agree with anything I have done in my entire life, and Im pretty sure that if you ask her, she wouldn't be able to tell you a single thing I have accomplished that she is proud of. I have gone so far as to tell her (calmly) that I will not speak to her if all she will do is put me down and speak negatively, but naturally this was met wit agression. So, where is the right place to draw the line? Her negativity is harsh enough that it has at times pushed me deep into depression. Granted there are other sources for my depression as well but she sure doesn't help. There seems to be nothing I can do to please her or even have a civil conversation. Is it possible to sever your relationship with your own mother for good? Or is ot better to just accept what she has to say with a deaf ear? Thanks in advance for any well everyone!!!

  • Okay, so here's the scoop. Your scenario is very common. This is the best way to handle it, I think. We do not have to love or like our parents, but, we do have to honor them and all that means is make sure they have a roof over their heads and food on the table. After that, you are not required to even speak to her. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, allow her to come into your life and mess with your head. I have dealt with many, many, many, drinkers in my life. Stay away from her, she is on a self destructive path and you can't help her, so help yourself. Remember it does not matter what she thinks of you, or whether or not she is proud of you. The only way your mother can reconcile her own life is to put you (and other) people down, this way she can justify her own behavior. Alchoholism is a disease and she is the only one who can cure herself. I have this problem with my mother-in-law, and it's terrible. I so feel your pain. My husband and I do not give into her rants anymore, we used to, but we are done and our lives are 100% better. We make sure she has everything she needs to be comfortable and that's it. Allowing parents to stay in our lives is a privledge not a requirement. They have to earn our trust. I hope this helps you.

  • marielle 25 I feel your pain in your words. as myviewpoint states your mother is sick she needs help. she will not benifit from it unless she wants help though. I suggest you write her a letter and send it to her explaining that you feel hurt, confused and angry that you are without the parental support every young woman deserves. Put it all in writing and let her know you think she needs help and that you will help her if she decides she wants to stop drinking and being destructive to your life because you apparently love her as much as you hate her. if she chooses to remain the same then you can walk away knowing you made a sincere effort to help her. You do not have to be abused by anyone. you seem like a kind and responsible person despite her hurtful behavior. Dont allow her or anyone else in your life to treat youu without respect. Children of alcholics tend to seek out alcholics in life they have the need to protect and fix other people. be careful of this. AAA has a program for family of alcholics called alinon it will give you great insite into no being an anabler and also give you a sense of not being alon e in this terrible hopeless feeling. you should try a few meetings and see if it helps you heal some of your wounds. I wish you peace and love in your life. Know you are not alone I am the daughter of an alcholic and I married one. It is not your fault and you can justifiably walk away. Write that letter today so you can get it off your chest and start the proccess of healing for yourself and hopefully for her. I dont know if you have other siblings but they should write her letters also and maybe she will see how bad she has become to her family and want to seek help. dont besurprised if she is angry with you she will hear what you feel and for the first time not interupt you and attack you so you can get it on the table. dont write anything you want to take back just the truth you will feel so much better after you know she read it. I hope you realize the ball is in her table to end relationship and you dont have to feel guilty anymore as the effort was made and the ball was passed to her...Best wishes to you and your Mom

  • Thanks for your responses guys. This actually really helps alot. I have a boyfriend whom I live with and he is very supportive and listens to me when I want to talk (or just cry ha ha!) but it's not really enough because I know he is only listening. He doesn't have the same issues that I do so (his mom is the best) it is great hear that someone else gets where I am coming from and to know that I am not totally insane! Like I really can't explain how messed up my head is from growing up with my family...there is so much pain and bitterness and bad memories that I can't resolve because my family will not participate or even listen to me. My psychologist suggested I ask my mother to come with me to sessions but when I told her I was seeing a psychologist she got really angry at me ("why would you waste your money on that?" is what she said, "What do you have to be depressed about?") so I didn't even bother to ask if she would like to come with me. And I feel that after reaching out so many times to point out the problem and trying to help but only getting anger in return, I really don't want to try anymore. I feel that the situation is hopeless. I love both of my parents obviously. I never grew up wanting material things but emotionally my family does not even exist! I can't share my problems with them or look to them for emotional support. It just isn't there.

  • Oh and PS I forgot to add, Myviewpoint, you said not to allow my mom to come into my life and mess it up. Well, my mom (when she is sober) is under the dilusion that our mother-daughter relationship is healthy. However, I feel very differently of course, so here is the issue. My boyfriend of 3 years whom I live with has only met my family once, and my family has never been to our house (we live in the country about 1/2 hr away). She is pestering me to have them over for a visit, but I really don't want to. On one hand I know it seems as if I am avoiding the inevitable, but I quite enjoy having my house as a sanctuary that my mother has not pentrated. And I know that if I let he she will criticize everything and see things she does not approve of and I will never hear the end of it all. Plus, I raelly don't even want them to know where my house IS, because then they could pop in any time...not a pleasant thought. But it's hard to come up with a reply when my parents say 'Don't you think it's weird that you've been living out there for 2 1/2 years and your family has never even seen your home?' So should I have them over? What do you think? Thanks again for any replies.

  • Oh and also to Myviewpoint, if you dont mind sharing, how did you finally draw the line with your mother-in-law?

  • Do Not let anyone from your family to enter your safehouse. If they ask, "Don't you think it's weird that we have not beent to your house in 2 1/2 years?" I would say tell them the truth, that is your segway to deliver the knews that they all so need to hear. That you are done with dealing with the self destructive behavior they exhibit. Don't be afraid and let an opportunity go like that without explaining how you feel. I especially would not let them to close to your love relationship, protect it with your life. Drinkers like to know they have the power to come in and turn our worlds upside down. Remember what I told you in the first post. Just because they are our parents does not mean we have to love or even like them, remember that it's very, very, very, important to protect yourself, your relationship, and the safety of your home that you and your boyfriend so carefully built.

    Now, onto how I handled my mother-in-law. First of all let me tell you a few of the things that have happened with her. New Years eve, two years ago. My husband and I were there (her house) late because of the holiday. We usually make sure we get the heck out of there before cocktail hour! Anyway, it must have been around 9:00 pm when my mother-in-law all sauced up told me that my hair looked terrible and that I should really consider changing the color becuse the whole Indian look does not work for me. I thought my husband was going to lose his mind, he is protective of me, so he intervened and said, "Mom stop it! Mary's hair is beautiful." Then she put her hand up to her son and said, "Let me say what I have to say!", and so for the next 20 minutes she went on and on repeating the same things over and over again regarding my hair.

    Then we had some relatives (on my husband's side of the family) come to visit us. They were staying at our house so mom had to come over to visit. She was really upset about it because that meant she could not drink. The last thing she needs is a DUI, so out of the kindness of our hearts my husband and I extended an invitation to her to spend the night, she accepted, which really surprised me. When the day came for the festivities mom did her usually drinking and a little extra. That was my que to excuse myself and go to bed, so did the other female that was visiting it was only around 8:30 at night, but we were not going to hang around to see what catastrophe mom would brew. Well, thank God we did go to bed because mom outdid herself that night. There were 3 people still up, my husband (her son), my brother in law (her son in law), and my mother. Well the boys had alot of catching up to do so they kind of hung together, not ignoring her at all, but just talking and laughing with my mother-in-law in the same room. She was not excluded at all. All of sudden out of the blue she stands up, puts her hands on her hips and starts screaming, "I WANT TO GO HOME, NOW. My husband and brother in law are both very low keyed and were shocked at her ranting. They did everything they could to try to convince her to stay, but she kept yelling she wanted to go home. Well now they were in a pickle because both of the men had been drinking and not in any condition to drive her home (30 minutes away) finally after an excrutiating hour the decision to call a taxi was decided on as the best course of action. Off she went. She never mentioned what happened that night and likes to say she does not remember things after she has been drinking, which is a huge untruth.

    After that last incident, we were all done with mom and her antics, so we just stopped being available to her. Talking with her would never work because she is in so much denial about how bad her drinking really is. She could never just stop drinking, she would need detox first.

    We simply excluded her from our lives anytime after 5:00 pm. That's when she really gets smashed. If she calls and invites us for dinner we politely say no, but lunch is good. It is really frustrating her because she likes expensive restaurants and lots of champagne. She can't understand why we won't go out at night with her, but of course she really does understand or she would ask us why we won't participate in night time activities. She does not want to hear the answer. We are respectful of her, we simply do not allow her past the boundries we have set up to protect our household. We have never had a direct discussion with her about it because it would not do any good.

    I hope this helps you, write me back and tell me what you think.

  • Hi I am replying to your post. I also have a mother who drinks all the time and puts me down when she is drunk. She puts me down when she is not drunk. My family as a whole does the same so I can feel you pain in so many ways. I can not do anything right in the eyes of my family. I am using my husbands name but my name is Jessica and I married and asian indian. My family most of all my mom can not stand it because he is not white. I did not marry for skin color only for love and my husband is the best thing to ever happen to me. We have 2 girls and 1 on the way. I was told at the age of 13 that I would never have kids because I was hit by a car and spent 4 months in a coma. Any way my mom is very negative in everything. I am 31 and it took my 31st birthday to finally say I am done if she can not treat me the way I should be treated them I am done untill she can understand and learn why this happened. My kids do not need to be around this and I do not want my husband or myself around this. And as was said before that when inviting mother etc to your home she will find everything to put down that is true. My mom and sister and her 3 kids were almost on the street I took them in and she put everything down. .She put my kitchen the way she wanted and told me to get out and I told her mom you know I took you in so you did not get put on the street if you can not treat my home and me with respect I want you out. So she no longer said that but I had a freezer full of food and was pregnant at that time with my 4 year old my mom ate all my food and did not make sure me and my family ate what was ours to begine with. My mom is very stingy also. She has something you can go hungry she does not care. Before I met my husband i was 19 and my mom lived accross from the place I lived. I went to her because I had not food and ask her mom can I have food I do not have any and she told me know it was not her job to give me food . I told her I would have been able to get food if she did not take my money from me and she said to hell with you little bitch so for 3 weeks I starved because of her. I will never let my kids or anyone go thru that. I had a very hard life also so I know how it is. If this help please let me know just cut all ties with her wait for her to come to you. I hope I did not upset you and did give a little help.

  • Ohhh my goodness. Thank you guys sooooo much for sharing your experiences with me. There is not enough words to say how good it makes me feel just to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this kind of twisted madness!!! Thank you thank you! As I was reading your experiences I actually laughed out loud, not because they are actually funny of course but because they resonated so much with waht I feel and what I have experienced. It was one of those laugh or cry situations I guess. My mother has been an alcoholic my entire life, and I could probably overlaod the system here recounting all the bad memories I have. The pain is so deep and so intense for me. I have spent my entire life wishing I could make her feel what she makes me feel, but I know it is no use. She loves to play head games. I think that deep down she gets some twisted pleasure out of it. Hearing your stories makes me feel that perhaps I can get some control over this situation so that my feelings for her don't have to poison my entire life, and that if I do tell her the truth I can take her reaction knowing that I am right for telling her waht I feel and not cave in with guilt. It is really terrible to feel this way about a parent. And although my father doesn't drink he is a hardcore enabler for my mother, to the point that he protects her from hearing the truth, discouraging me from telling her how I feel, and it only adds to her denial. I feel pity for him really, he is a wonderful man, but if he wants to portect my mother I guess that is his choice. I think it is totally crazy myself, but he is his own person too. But if he wants to protect her then he cant be close to me I guess, and after numerous attempts of trying to reach out to both my parents I really feel there is nothing more that I can do. I wish so badly I could tell her so many things but really there is no point now I know. It would only make more of a mess. For example...I hope this is not oversharing, but, I was molested as a child by a boy on our street. I was really young so I dont have really clear memories of it. I was four and the boy was young as well, I think he was fifteen or sixteen. When I finally told my mom what was going on she told me that I was making it up and nothing ever happened, so the incidents continued for a while. Finally the boy stopped coming around me and left me alone. I don't ever know what happened to him. I wish so bad that I could tell her now as an adult that i wasn't making it up, how much I really hate her for not doing anything about it, but I know it would probably only do me harm. I have wished for so long that there was a way to make her see how awfully her negativity has impacted my life, all the way from that terrible experience as a child up to the present: as far as my boyfriend goes she really has nothing good to say about him, or about our lives in general. She says that neither one of us is an "adult" because we don't have careers taht she approves of (my boyfriend is a musician, and when he isn't away with his band he works at a music store) and I am a manager at a coffee shop. When we first got together she said to me, you can't be with a man like that. He doesn't make any money with waht he does, and he wont get you anywhere in life. It made me so angry that I told her quite frankly that I thought she was a petty shallow b____. I just can't take her crap anymore. I also remember as a teen telling her that I was suicidal (I was). In return she ranted on and on about how I was a selfish brat and that if I didn't appreciate the life she had given me then I could go live somewhere else. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts today. It hurts that I cant open up to my family about it. But I have a very understanding boyfriend and a best friend as well who has been my friend for many years and is very supportive. Thank God I have spoken to all of you guys. Before now I always had this self-doubt telling me that all the bad things she has said to me were right at least partially and that I had no right to kick her out of my life, since she is my mom. But I am really fed up. Her self-destruction has destroyed enough of me. Thanks again you guys for sharing. It really means the world to me. Please feel free to keep writing. It has really cheered me up. Peace and love.

    PS -forgivre me if Im slow replying, I dont have the net at home so I can write on work time only....eeeep!

  • Okay, I have a few more minutes so I just wanted to add a little more -- Myviewpoint, I soooooo get what you mean by 'cocktail hour". As I said before, as a teen my life at home was really really awful. I was very depressed and really hated my life. My mom was an early starter - usually she would start to drink before I got home from school and do herself in by nine or ten. Before I was old enough to go out on my own after school I would come home, suffer through supper times (even now meals with my family are sometimes awful. There have been countless meals where my mom has been so drunk taht she can hardly sit in her chair nevermind get her fork to her mouth, but no one is allowed to say anything so we just ignore her) and at night I would sit alone in my room and hope she didn't decide to come in and rant and rave at me about whatever. Now even though I don't live at home it is still much the same. I know better than to answer the phone after 6 PM for sure. But if I don't my mother often calls back again and again. I can tell my the frequency of phone calls how drunk she is (the more she drinks the more persistent she becomes!). Just last night I got in the shower around &. I haerd the house phone ring and then my cell phone right after so I guessed it was probably her. After I got out of the shower I checked my cell. She had phoned 4 times in 20 minutes. I didn't bother to call her back. By the time I went to bed that night, I had missed 12 phone calls on my cell, and at least 4 on the home phone (We don't have a caller display, so Im not %100 sure). So when you said cocktail hour, I really laughed. Like I said earlier, not cause it's funny - it's anything but, as Im sure you well know.

  • Oh and PPS (sorry I am a cronic re-post-er ha ha. I always think of more after I hit submit!) to sweetlady, noooooo way did you upset me! I really thikn this is great. Not to sound like some overdramatic diva chick, but this has seriously meant the world to me. Even just the way you said, "I had a hard life too" made me feel soooo good. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but, like I said before my mom really loves her manipulative guilt trip head games, and all my life I have been made to feel that anything I did was basically wrong. I didn't understand it before, and now as an adult (with the help of a therapist) I can now look back and see that she was really giving me this treatment whenever something came up that she did not like or want to me feeling depressed, not wanting to go to school because I was afraid of the other kids, or my horrible experience as a child. So even as an adult I had a hard time allowing myself to say, Yes, I did have a traumatic childhood. Hearing someone else acknowledge my pain felt so great. Because I was always told that expressing hurt over something was just me looking for attention and basically, to suck it up and get a life. So no way did you upset me! Like I said, I think this is great. O and PS Also to sweetlady, what happened with your mom? (If you don't mind sharing) Do you speak to her at all now? How long did you have to keep her in your house. I don't know what I would do if I had to take my mom in. I tihnk I would just die.

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