Taurus women - tell me what you think about this
My friend is married to a Taurus for 12 years now. They married very young because she got pregnant (she was 18, he 20 - he believes she "set him up" to marry her by getting pregnant). He says he wants to divorce her because over the years they have grown apart, they argue all the time, she won't go out because they don't like to do the same things, she doesn't like his friends, she gives him an icy reception when he comes home from work, she's indifferent about intimacy, she likes to do things with her family - doesn't like to do things with his, and he claims she generally alienates him and sits in the bedroom watching T.V. when he's home.
Now, I have access to her facebook profile since she has it set to "public" profile. In her information she talks about him only once, but describes her husband as her "soulmate, best friend, most handsome and hardworking man she knows, and the love of her life". (Although I will say that she rarely mentions him otherwise, has no photos of him or even any of her four children. What she does talk most about is God or simply about what she is doing for the day.)Huh??? What's going on here? Is she protecting a public image of her marriage because she doesn't want anyone to know they have problems or is she delusional? Astrologically they are supposed to be a perfect pair - Taurus woman and Virgo man. I just don't get it and I am wondering what would be on a Taurus woman's mind to be such a contradiction. (I told him what she said about him in her profile, thinking that it might make him look at their relationship differently - he said all it does is make him feel worse - like sticking a knife in his heart because it is so far from the truth.) Any thoughts on what's going on with this woman?
You are only getting the viewpoint from your "virgo" friend ....also, I know Taurus women who put up with lots of things just to stay with their partner and are too stubborn to let go...even if they have different hobbies. An ex girlfriend (Taurus) of my husband once announced to him when they got back from a 2 week break in Las Vegas that she'll never go on holiday with him again and then was surprised when they split up a month later...stating that he was the love of her life (they went out only for 6 months)....she told me so herself years ago when I first met him (they had split up!) Alot of married women use facebook to chat about their lives & hobbies....so not having photos of the kids or talking more about her marriage isn't strange. I feel sorry for her actually....4 kids is not a mistake....your virgo friend maybe exaggerating a little. Reading between the lines ...I think you're not helping either...your virgo man should be spending more time with her and rekindling their flagging relationship instead of bitching about her to you. He is not worth the effort....sounds like "my wife doesn't understand me" syndrome when in fact she understands him 110%.
Sorry if I sound harsh Jenever, didn't mean to...but he hasn't left her yet, has he?!
I'm a Taurus women, and I have to agree strongly with rnrchick. I left my first husband (Aquarius) after 20 years because I wanted my freedom back (the kids were high school and college ages). I met and married my second husband (Scorpio) less than a year later. We were happily in love and tolerant of each other for over sixteen years until a heart attack took my whole world away. When it's real, it's solid and written in stone, and I'd fight anyone till the end of time for him...~jsmith1
Rnrchick - I told him he needed to work things out with her and his attitude is that there is nothing left to work out. He is honest and says he will always feel love for her as the mother of his children, and he had hoped that they could work it out, claims that he tried (he's not a jerk no matter what it looks like on the surface) but she just doesn't budge. So now he's just biding his time until he can improve his financial position or the oldest two kids turn 18. In fact I spend very little time with him, I see him maybe once in a month chat maybe once a week on-line. He would seem to have ample time to deal with her and their marital issues on a daily basis - if THEY so choose. In asking this question I really wasn't looking for how it relates to me - that's a different subject. No matter what my dealings with this man are, he is empty inside and tied in a relationship that causes him pain. If Taurus understands him 110% then she surely knows this as well, and yet she persists in putting up a "front" that everything is wonderful. I'm wondering if she believes that everything is wonderful or is this all a farce.
From what I'm hearing from you Janny, my first reaction is that she may be doing the same thing - just biding her time until she is better situated to leave. You left your man after 20 years to regain your freedom. The implication is that you waited. Why did you wait, and did you put up a front to the world that your life was perfect during all that time as well? You may have more in common with this woman than you think?
what she's posting on a public profile is really not your business to interpret. Come on, who's going to post on Facebook that their marriage sucks? Leave it alone. This is her life.
Kierstenp, there's no reason to get snarly, this is all academic as far as I'm concerned. Btw, I'm on facebook, I know the deal and that she has the option to make her profile private (most of us do keep ours private) so she willingly opens herself up to anyone's viewing and interpretation of her life. Normally it would make no difference what I thought about it, other than the contrast to what I am hearing as "the real situation".
As far as "this is her life - leave it alone"....well, a big chunk of her life is having a big impact on mine at this particular time. I'd like to better understand why she can't keep her "chunk" situated in her life, that's all.
I've been thinking of your situation over the weekend and I can understand where you both are coming from (you & Taurus)....it must be frustrating for you, she is your rival and she's fighting her corner as she feels fit. By all means read her facebook if you wish...whether she has been sincere or not, it has ruffled your feathers! Beware...you shouldn't have mentioned her facebook to Mr Aquarius....I know you were trying to point out her "insincerity" or "disillusionment" to him but it can really backfire. You may come over as being very catty and at the end of the day, she's still his wife, he loved her once and he may start to question your sincerity. If you really want Mr Aquarius in your life, you are going to have to take a back seat, be smiley and not comment on his wife's actions, behaviour etc. Just be there for him and hopefully you can prove that you are a wonderful alternative to what he has experienced in the last 12 years. I'm sorry to say though Jenever that they have 4 kids together and Ms Taurus is going to feature heavily in your life whether you both like it or not ...something you are going to have to learn to tolerate or let free and pursue pastures anew.
oops I meant Mr Virgo..not Mr Aquarius.
rnrchick - thank you for your introspection - how very nice of you to care. You know, strange as this may sound, I don't actually see her as a rival. I see both she and her husband as a very sad situation, having lived through a similar marriage myself. I was fortunate that my husband makes enough money we could afford to get divorced. My Virgo man does not (it's a sure thing that I am no gold-digger here, lol, I really care about him with all my heart). But I understand the depths of emptiness one can experience in the illusion of a happy marriage. I'd find it very hard to believe that she really believes her husband is still that "best friend and soul mate" she once had assuming that my Virgo is telling the truth about her personality. In fact when he first told me what their relationship was like I suggested that she sounded clinically depressed and he should urge her to get counseling - that in fact it might bring them back together if she has some mental health issues that can be resolved. (He volunteered to talk about her, btw, I didn't ask, although I did feel I deserved to know some of their situation given all the lies he'd put me through - see next paragraph - an answer to: was he just a player or did he really have legitimate grounds for lying his way into my world and creating a relationship between us?)
As for the facebook thing, I only ever mentioned it once to Virgo and that was because it was part of a little "investigation" I did that revealed that he had lied about who he is and his whole background. Check my thread "Heart of a Virgo Man" for some details on that - the whole story is too long to tell, but in a nutshell, met him on-line, seemed legit initially - my intuition took over because of a couple of things, and I did a little checking - by what can only be desribed as an act of Divine intervention I discovered the truth about him - strangely what we have going on between us is strong enough that we were actually able to calmly talk through the whys and wherefores of his deception - and here we remain six months later.
In any case, I never mention her facebook, I never disparage her, I never tell him to leave her. I mentioned what she said about him because I thought perhaps it would move him to reevaluate how he perceived her. (I don't want him if he is uncertain about his feelings - I thought I might be giving him a little push back towards her. That's when he said that hearing what she wrote was just "sticking a knife in his heart" because it was so far from the truth. The only other comment I did make was that I was kind of hoping to learn that they hated each other so that I didn't suddenly feel like a home-wrecker, but even he conceded that he could never hate her; "she's a good mother, she tries....but". If anything, having seen her facebook has pushed me towards ending things with him a couple of times because I worry that he/they aren't trying hard enough to patch up their marriage. He insists that it's too far gone, but there she is proclaiming him to be the love of her life. I have no wish to cause this woman pain, and in my mind I don't feel like I'm the one at fault here, that her husband is, but then again my "enabling" him is not helping matters. I check her page from time to time - to keep things in perspective - not out of maliciousness or spying - but to keep her "human" in my heart. She's a mom, with kids the same age as mine, who bakes cookies and goes to soccer games and has a marriage that is dysfunctional. She is no different than I am, and her marriage is just where I was two years ago. I can't hate her or wish her ill.
The other thing I learned from her profile though is that she is a deeply religious woman, and I am a deeply spiritual woman (although we come from different camps - she clearly prays to God for answers and solutions - I simply ask God to let his love work through me and guide me to the right path). But it so fascinates me to think of God getting "prayers" from both of us over the same man, lol. So I decided to ask God instead to answer her prayers however He needs to and simply give me the strength to accept her, and the situation with her husband and I in such a way that I don't get hurt, that I don't cause hurt, and that I can accept the outcome no matter what it is. The answer that came into my heart is pretty much just what you described - just be me and don't get drawn into burdens that are not my own. Their situation is not for me to work out.
I have to say though, that your suggestions are uncanny given that that's pretty much the position I am now taking towards him myself. As much as my "heart" sometimes cries "I want him and I want him NOW", that's not the deal here, and would never be the foundation for a solid relationship if this whole thing isn't given the time it deserves to play out how it needs to.
You know the whole reason he was attracted to me was because of who I am. As I say, we met online, chatted for hours before we ever met. I was actually very resistant because of our age difference (he is younger than I) so really felt no compulsion to sugar-coat anything I said to him. He got me no holds barred....and he was crazy about me, lol. Then when we met, it was incredible. Just like we'd always known each other, we are like twins in our general demeanor, interests, outlook, even some wierd little quirks. I don't normally go for the whole "soul mate" thing, but this has to be as close as I've ever come. Even he just describes us as "we just feel right together".
But rnrchick you nailed it - the big thing is that I AM what his wife is not. There was a point about a month ago that I started getting witchy because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of our relationship, wanted to know for sure where I stood, was ready to end it all. To which he responded that I was creating my own unhappiness by "jumping to conclusions, speculating with no facts and generally just getting worked up over nothing". That he was just taking care of life like always, that he thought about me always, and that when we're apart he assumed that I was just taking care of my life as well. That he wasn't with anyone else and assumed I wasn't either. He pointed out that he was weary of me distrusting him (on top of all the stresses he faces with his family already) and always waiting for him to "run off" and that he was emphatically NOT running anywhere. He just said quite simply, "you need to accept that my heart is in this".
So I processed this, and all of a sudden it became crystal clear. It's just like you said, he has looked to me as his "safe haven", the one who is everything his wife is not. My being witchy, and needy and demanding are not at all what I want between us, or in any relationship for that matter. I never want to feel that that's the kind of negative effort it takes to keep a relationship pulled together. It's not what he wants either, because that's what he's got and worse. (She's apparently a controlling and critical wife as well - always keeping an eye on what he's up to. I suspect that's because her Taurus intuition told her long ago that he's not a man to be trusted within their marriage.) He has described me before as being "perfect", so I just figured if I were perfect without ever having tried to be anything else to him, then it makes sense to just relax, quit thinking about any of it, and just be myself.
So, I now take the high road, and resist any impulse to go negative on all of this, told him that going forward I am trusting him because I simply can't go on with things if I don't trust him (what is there between us anyway if there is no trust?) I told him at the point he said, "his heart was in this" that I am now giving him the respect to believe that he is a man of his word and giving him the space to prove himself trustworthy. Meanwhile I have been nothing but sensitive, understanding and have actually been much more open about how I really feel about our relationship. I held back a lot to protect myself out of fear of having my feelings rejected. But again, what is that but distrust? If I can't trust him with my feelings then that's no good either.
So I just keep going for it, and you know what I've been getting in return? Sure you do.....we get what we give! It's amazing, we're in a whole new space here just because I let go of trying to analyze things between us, or speculate or anticipate a future that neither one of us can really predict right now. I give him love and support and kindness, and I get love and support and kindness in return. It's beautiful, even though we can't be together the bond now grows and we're just going to continue to go through this together for a while and see what happens. If he feels he wants to back off at any point and try to mend the relationship with his wife, I now know that I can even support him in that (even though I would be sad) but because I do care about his happiness, and even if we end up being only friends, I think that he will always continue to care about me as well.
I know this is generally a bad situation on the surface - straight out lies and adultry if you want to go right to the point, so I commend your sense of compassion rnrchick for seeing the human aspects of it as well. Thanks for your support.
Hi, well I think that it sounds like an unfortunate situation and if they are both truly unhappy I feel for them as well as for their children...I do think, though, and I know that he is your friend so I don't mean any disrespect here, but you have to remember your hearing one side of a two-sided story and I am a firm believer that it takes "two to tango" when it comes to relationships...so I'm not saying he is being dishonest in anyway, but that odds are you haven't heard everything and somehow I think if you were friends with her too, you would probably be hearing some different tales...if you know what I mean. I tell you, I am friends with a couple that split up and when I spoke to her versus him...totally different stories and each was very believable!! So, again keep that in mind. I think you should be there for him as a friend, but be careful to get too involved in this situation..it isn't really a friends place to do that anyway, just lend an ear to listen and all the things that good friends should do.
I hear you ksq, I've learned from experience never to take sides on relationship issues,even with my closest friends, because once the tide turns, as it so often does, then next thing you know YOU are the "bad guy" for saying rotten things about that person's partner. Nope, when my friend says bad things about his wife I never agree or disagree, if I offer anything, it's impartial suggestions, such as some counseling for his wife (or maybe even him, lol) to figure out what's going on. Mostly I just say, "oh really".
I went through some very bitter times before and during my divorce and I pride myself on the fact that I never put down my ex with anyone other than my immediate family and two of my closest friends. Other than that, all I had to say publicly is, "he's a good man, but we have grown apart over the years". There is nothing to be gained for anyone by exacerbating the pain of my friends situation and the potential pain that may be forthcoming. Especially when there are children involved. The last thing I'd want to find out is that my children had heard people disparage me or their father as a result of malicious gossip, they love us both even if we don't love each other. To this day though, my ex-husband and I have two completely different versions of what went wrong in our marriage, and I don't think that will ever change. That's why we couldn't reconcile - we had evolved into such completely different perspectives on life we couldn't agree on anything anymore.
I'm afraid my friend is the very picture of what my ex and I went through (based on what he describes - as you point out one side of the story - but a side that I relate to because it parallels my experience). Constant bickering over seemingly small issues. Taking stabs at each other over pointless matters. His wife alienates him. (I did this as well - sort of a punishment to my husband. I suspect my friend finds his own ways of punishing his wife as well). My marriage counselor said that while all of this looks like anger, it's really borne out of hurt (he stated that there is no such thing as "anger" - that anger is always grounded in hurt). A great big hurt that builds up when emotional needs go unmet and then we find all sorts of little ways (episodes) to get even with our partner. It's "fixable" but it's a very tough road depending on how long it's been playing out in the relationship. Marriage counselors apparently even have an average for how long this goes on in a relationship before everything finally blows - six years. That's a lot of damage to repair, and as the counselor pointed out, by the time couples land in his office, it's too late, most don't make it. By that time their points of view are solidly polarized.
For what it's worth, I'd love to hear his wife's version of the story so that I had the complete picture. But I'm betting it goes something like: "he's always working he's never around, when he is he does nothing but criticize, I take care of four kids and I'm doing the best I can, he doesn't appreciate me, nothing I do is ever good enough....and on and on."
Meanwhile he says, "she doesn't appreciate how hard I work for her so she can be home with the kids, she's home all day so how come the house is such a mess, I want some intimacy but she's always too tired, she's always negative, demanding and nagging, I feel suffocated, I'm doing the best I can...and on and on." As I say...I've been there, lol. Kind of makes it easier to stay on the sidelines actually - it wasn't fun the first round, don't need to go through it again.
Sorry so long, you kind of set me off on a retrospective tangent here, lol.
Thanks Jenever....my viewpoint is really that I've been in similar situations before ....I was cheated on by my Virgo ex...then my male "friend" (a virgo) was having an on off situation with his wife, I was virtually a shoulder to cry on and different from his wife but he wouldn't get off that fence ..... I met my now hubby who had a live in girlfriend (Taurus) at the time and I had to stand back and watch their relationship crumble naturally before I agreed to date him despite being crazy about him. She hanged on with all her might!!!
Interesting what the marriage guidance said re 6 yrs before a marriage finally blows....my first marriage broke up because he was having an affair, I caught him and chucked him out straight off BUT looking back things were not quite hunky dory 5/6 yrs prior that when I found out I was pregnant & my then husband booked me in to have an abortion because he wasn't interested in kids...this was no 3 & we had been married 10 years or so then ! I looked at him differently then and I refused to have an abortion....but I wasn't really happy from that point.and obviously nor was he!!! (He since went on to have another with his mistress though, ironically born on the same day as my 3rd son's birthday! spooky or what!)
I totally agree with you about the wife's perspective....I'm sure I've used those lines too in the past!!!! I agree...stay on the sidelines at present, safer all round and happier....if its meant to be it will be...
Hi, I think it's good that he has someone to talk to. Kinda sounds like this woman needs an escape, maybe something to identify with. Talking about God, to me, is good. I wonder if this guy goes to church with her.
I would suggest counseling for both. If I had to read between the lines, I would say that there is some reason why this lady is keeping her distance. Don't want to delve into that. I get a feeling that she is a spiritual person.
A friend can only help so much. Some things are meant for professionals.
Hi Dalia, He does not go to church with her, and it sounds like despite her apparent strong connection to God, she doesn't either at this time..."church shopping" as he described it. The children go with their Grandma to church. A strange situation I guess, but nice that the children are getting spritual nourishment in spite of their parents. He actually is very spiritual and talks freely about God and feels God's presence in his life, but like myself, can't find a connection in traditional church philosophies because of the hypocrisy and dogmatic thinking that offer him nothing (I attend a Progressive Christian church for the same reasons).
Meanwhile his wife (based on what he says) believes firmly in the Bible, Jesus Christ as the only answer and the interpretations of the Church as the place to find those answers. (Given her "church shopping" one could speculate that she's finding no fulfillment or answers there either.) Ahh but anyway, when two people's spiritual souls are in such disharmony I'm not sure what can become of things. As you say, some things are best left to professionals - that one is in God's hands! Lol. Thanks for your thoughts Dalia.
I know this is an old post, but after reading some other post by this Jenever person, I've concluded she's a douche who cheated with a Taurus girls husband and is trying to justify it with what is probably a one sided story by this Virgo man to get what he wants or straight out lies. If she is cold towards him, its probably because she intuitively knows she's a cheater. Why wouldnt she then bide her time, especially if he is a good provider and father. Get off her Facebook page and go seek counselling for your obvious lack of morals and respect for the institute of marriage...thats what I think.