Help Cancerian man behaviour very confusing?!

  • A few years ago I started seeing a cancer guy who was a couple of years older than me, it all started as non committed and just dating really, before I even realized it we had been seeing each other for 6 months and it all of a sudden dawned on me that I loved him. It was weird in a sudden hit over the back of the head type thing. Anyway although I was really happy most of the time he did use to mess me around quite a bit regarding cancellations of dates etc but that was really the only problem and being so disorganised myself ('im a capricorn by the way!) i felt hyprocritical complaining about that behaviour.

    We went to a gig together and we were really close and he spent the whole evening holding me which was perfect. Then he ignores me for days and I eventually get a message from him saying his 'friend' told me I'm seeing someone else and he doesn't want to look like an idiot so he wants to not see me 'for a while '.

    My instinct told me that in cowardice he had created that excuse knowing full well i would not accept being accused of something i hadn't done. But it worked and I was heart broken .

    In a defiant attempt to make myself get over it I stupidly leapt in to a relationship with a Leo man who I'd known since we were kids I was happy but my conscience niggled at me constantly telling me I still loved the Cancer guy, 3 years went by and I'd managed to quieten the voice but it took 2 years to get that far and even then i knew i was lying to myself it didn't help me when cancer guy sent me a message saying he missed me being around. And again when my grandparents were killed he managed to pick my writing out of the paper froma photo of a letter i wrote. My leo man rang him and warned him off (jealous type).

    I had a baby with Leo man unplanned but obviously was meant to happen for me and a year on we broke up.

    (Sorry this is so long whinded but need to explain!)

    Anyway soon after me and Leo have broken up Cancer guy sends me a message and we start chatting, just idle chit chat nothing really personal up until he says he's sorry to hear that me and leo have split up and says it looks like his relationship is going down the pan as he's moved out of thier shared home back with his parents and she's also pregnant and being difficult.

    We continue to chat about life in general, baby stuff, work etc eventually he invites me to come with him and some other people to a festival and so I think why not as my mind is leaping on this chance to see him when I've been trying to surpress it all that time.

    I went and we spent all of the first day talking he didnt spend time with anyone else even though his friends were all there he just wanted to spend time alone with me, it felt as comfortable as it always did but we never discussed the reason why it ended before until late in the evening ,although we'd had a drink by now neither of us were drunk . We stayed up until 5am talking and he told me how he realized last time how much he'd missed me what a mistake he made and how he was gutted when he found out I'd moved on and when he realised I'd had a baby he thought that was it because I'd probably get married to leo. He said for months he wanted to text me or call me and he said he wouldnt stop going on about it to his best mate until his best mate said to him to either call me or get over it. He said that his reason for doin what he did was because he realised how happy he was and thought it would have to all go wrong (typical cancer pessamism) so in sparing any hurt from the apparent impending problems he broke it off. And again said was biggest mistake he ever made and apologised for being an idiot.

    All weekend he went everywhere i went even when it was shopping he still wanted to be around me and we'd never spent time just doing ordinary things before as it had always been gigs and parties (was a student when we were first together) he wouldnt let me carry a thing and when he realised that i wasn't myself ( got extremely dehydrated) he looked after me making sure i drank plenty of water and got me food etc which was a caring side i'd never seen before I fell harder than before, all of the old feelings had come rushing back the second i actually saw him on the previous day.

    That night things went further than intended and the next day we all went home he dropped me back and we saw each other once after that when we took my daughter to the park for the afternoon and again we talked. (sorry nearly there!) we arranged to go to the beach that weekend only he never called to meet me, a week went by with not a word from him or an apology for not calling to cancel the beach trip and eventually he tells me he went to visit his dad in ireland and his phone broke....likely story anyway he continues to say he wouldnt dream of messing me around again especially not with everything i've been through (its a very long and complicated story) and not when I've got a baby and he so doesnt want to ruin things and it might not seem like it but i mean a lot to him.

    Then i never hear from him that was a month ago not a word not a call nothing, he is added on my facebook he's online all the time he still doesnt talk to me so is definately ignoring me as you can expect I'm not only now feeling very confused but also heartbroken yet again I don't understand how he opens up to me and as soon as you try to get close he just retreats back the most hurtful part is that i gave him loads of opportunities to say if he wasn't interested and I also told him outright on both occasions i saw him that I'm not going to be messed around this time and he assured me he wanted to see me and he would never hurt me again because he learned his lesson last time and he cares about me too much to do so.

    Can someone please give me some advice I just don't understand why he would do this to me again? I don't understand why he opens up and acts so caring and then completely ignores me this is very frustrating because even if nothing was going to come of it anyway I feel like I need him to give me a reason so that i can get closure I dont know how I'm going to move forward after it took so long last time I don't even dare think about that weekend as other than knowing what a fantastic time I had I feel used and utterly stupid.

    As i mentioned earier Im a Capricorn x

  • “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein

    I’m not saying you’re insane 🙂 but if your response didn’t produce a favorable response the first time, then change how you react to a similar situation the next time. From what you said, it sounded like your reaction the first time around was somewhat passive in that you just let it go and moved on (maybe you shortened your story?). You’ve talked to him about what happened, so you should understand him a little better now.

    Do you know what this means “not when I've got a baby and he so doesn’t want to ruin things and it might not seem like it but i mean a lot to him”?

    Have you tried to contact him and he’s ignoring you or are you waiting for him to call you?

  • Hi, This has happened to me regarding someone that I cared for. If you care about someone chances are you are going to want to believe them. They have to live under the same guidelines as everyone else. If it smells like a rat, it probably is. He most definitely has led you to believe in something other than his true intentions. He sounds pretty messed up and probably doesn't know what he wants.

    My advice is to end this relationship.

  • he said he wouldnt mess me around this time because he knows that ive been through a lot of problems and he didnt want to cause another one he thought that upsetting me over nothing would be unfair to my daughter hence him saying he didnt want things to be like that this time he also told me that even if i didnt think he was that interested (because he didnt contact me for a couple of weeks) that I meant a lot to him of course i believed that because he had told me at the festival that he couldnt get over our split before as he realised he felt a lot more than he'd expected.

  • *forgot to mention yes i have tried to contact him a couple of times but to no avail so yes he is definately ignoring me and i refuse to send him any more messages as i am in no way going to make myself look desperate plus i know it sounds stupid but i really don't want him to know how much i'm hurt by all this.

  • From what you have described, I think he felt things were moving much faster than what he was comfortable with. He broke it off the first time because he realized how happy he was and thought it would all go wrong. And now because he doesn’t want to cause you any more problems by upsetting you, he breaks it off again. He jumped in both times and let his emotions take him away. The expectations on him are set high and imo, he doesn’t want to hurt you but he needs to slow it down. It’s a lot of pressure to never disappoint another person that we care about, especially if he knows there’s always going to be that possibility that he will.

    Your story resonates with me because we were both given the opportunity to get back what we lost. So if you want him, go after what you want. But you have to really want him because you will hurt him if you decide you don’t, especially after he has already given you his heart. This is coming from an Aries moon/venus btw lol. If I know someone has feelings for me but is afraid, I would have no problems stepping up (I don’t play games). You are the only one that understands the dynamics of your relationship and what actions you’re comfortable with taking. It has nothing to do with looking desperate.

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